lonely mum

I do when things get bad. I also know when it’s going to happen now so try to distract myself. For me it started when I had to take my second back to hospital for a check up, so it’s not always ocd related but once it starts the breathing gets difficult to control so I try to use distraction if I can try to prevent it. Hope you’re feeling better x

I actually get panic attacks now from the anxiety. I get dizzy, breathless, can’t see clearly and at have sensation of pins and needles all over. I’ve had dreams of my fears and woke up feeling scared/startled. Tk cr and speak to a doctor to discuss.

That’s amazing!!

Thank you for your replies. I have tried to get help externally but the professionals feel u need to sort out my domestic abuse past in order to move forward. I’m looking at a long waiting list again. I’ve managed to go to a mother and child group with my SIL so it’s helped having someone else there but when I come back home then it’s just me and my thoughts again.

This is a nice positive post. I also hate how much time I miss out on with my children because of this.

I hate to step out my house because of my contamination issues and in case I have to deal with it again, not like I don’t have to in the house but there’s so much more to do when it’s from outside, but I hate it when people don’t keep their distance in my space. It’s the same thing with having to call people into my home- I don’t want to. I don’t have any friends now but also I’m having to clean after relatives leave. Now my washing machines broken and I don’t want to call an engineer in case he is into funny business that I’m so afraid of.

Just from another perspective, my second child has a congenital heart defect. I had a serious hard time trying to figure out what I must have done during pregnancy to have cause this but I was told it’s nothing I did. Then my third has a global delay who isn’t walking or talking at nearly 2.5yrs. I tried so hard to pin point where I could have gone wrong and would be awake at just watching all the videos to see what happened. Nothing could tell me the answer. The only thing I could do was let go and move forward with them and be in the now. I had to or I wasn’t even being here to look after them. Take care of yourself x

Im a mum and I’m sorry you’re going through this. One thing about OCD I know is hat it attack’s the things we love. I know you really love your children and thus the guilt you’re feeling but let me tell you, you are a wonderful and caring parent and your children will be fine.

Thanks for your input guys. I’ll read an digest them properly as soon as I can. This episode has got me shaking today, which has never happened before. I’ve got a nervous shake!

Thanks guys. I’ve tried seeking professional help but to no avail. I’m currently in waiting list to talk about my past An then I don’t know what they are going to do. I don’t think I’ll fall ill or catch something, it’s just a repulsive feeling of it being disgusting/bad/dirty. I guess the thought of people doing sexual acts in groups also I’m finding this linked to being immoral an therefore any residue is also evil/bad...I’m not sure?!! (Apologies to anyone into this thing). I’ve been thinking about it all An I’m putting my thoughts down here. I actually picked up the trousers yesterday An even touched the stain to prove to myself it’s not what I’m thinking but instead I freaked out- reassured my self from the texture that it is sperm. I even soaked a small patch an tried rubbing it with paper which again didn’t help as the mark wasn’t transferring an actually only gave a small yellowish stain. I threw the trousers away.

This is getting really bad for me now. I have started to avoid going out the house. I prefer to stay in because if we go out as a family i am hyperactive of what i think is sperm marks/stains and im worried about my children touching it or coming in contact with it. I am married to a good man who has good hygiene habits and because he is my husband I am not afraid of his fluids. However, I dont go out the house unless I have to go to appointments. My youngest has a load of medical issues and the times he has a busy week of appointments, i am exhausted and I think most of it is because of my issues. Since everything i see has to be sperm marks and in my head people carry out sexual activities outdoors and in parks an I cant even visit a park with my children. However, i try to let them go with their dad and this doesn't help me either. My son had sat in a shopping trolley today with his dad and came back home with a yellow stain on his trousers. My husband thinks he must have done this whilst eating at home but I know he didn't eat anything that would cause this. In my mind i have decided that someone had jerked off overnight in the car park by the trolleys and this is now on my son's clothing. I obviously didn't spot this till later in the day so the contamination has spread in the house. I dont know what to do or how to act! i have tried getting help but the counselling service want me to speak about my previous abusive relationship with a domestic violence team (im on a waiting list and not sure how it will help as it was 20yrs ago). In the meantime, things are getting worse because staying in doesn't help either!

Im so grateful for coming across this thread. I have contamination OCD too and just recently (finally) I had an 'interview' with a psychologist who told me that because of the current issues in my life my contamination OCD has flared up but that there is no point in doing exposures because the root cause of my OCD needs to be dealt with. I started having OCD a little while after coming out of an abusive relationship, abuse in every way possible and I have never spoke of it. She wants me to speak to a domestic violence therapis/professional about what i went through then and only then to deal with the exposures and whatever else. My be this is what you mean also Snowbear about dealing with the actual issue?

Ok thank you.

I’ve seen the dogging images and then people have commented about this happening there and it’s a load of people! So still in my mind it’s highly likely? Funny thing is I had same issue with urine and managed to get over it with the ‘so what’ attitude but with sperm I’m finding it more squeamish and difficult.

Honestly, most times I wonder why can’t people see what I see or that they just aren’t looking, because they go about their busy lives. I think a lot of the times these things just happen to me and also, because I’m aware of these things happening I realise what I’m seeing or notice it more than others. That’s why I don’t always know if it’s OCD or if it’s real, because most people don’t think about it and ignorance is bliss.

It was white splatters! Yes my brain is hyper but I felt so strongly that I was correct because the place did look bad?! Should I be thinking that ‘even if it was...so what??’

Faulty thinking, that. But, i was right! i didnt know until today this park was a hot spot so what should I think?

Hi Snowbear. Thank you for your response. I didn't realize that its the 'initial misinterpreation' that was my issue so I will definitely try the approach you have given me ie that the marks could be anything. However, I am not sure how in this situation I am putting two and two together? there is evidence of the activities going on as listed on these dogging sites. Also, normally the park is not as filthy as it was today, normally I wouldn't think anything of the floor as i have been to this park on numerous times but today it really was horrid.

Thanks. For me, I need to know how a normal person would behave. Because the lines get fuzzy. I’m not going to ask for info/details of why it is/isn’t what I’m thinking but if a normal person wouldn’t care then I at least know it is OCD and I can try to live with the feelings. It’s still there in my head and made me feel like a lump of jelly but I know it’s OCD and I really didn’t know it this time.

I’m not looking for reassurance but I guess I do want to know if it’s OCD or not because I don’t always know. I try to trust my instinct to tell me and what I saw told me it was contamination so how would a ‘normal’ person behave?

I am trying to get therapy but it’s a long waiting list. Why do you say it’s in my head and not real? Please explain because I KNOW that this site is used as a dogging hot spot. I wish I knew before I went! The stains made me question it!

Gosh I’m going crazy and I hate myself right now! I can feel the fear and panic rising in me and my whole world spinning around. This is so difficult and I have to speak about it because there’s no other help! I don’t go out often but today I took the kids to a water park to feed the ducks since the weather is just about getting better. Whilst there the ground was so mucky with bird poo and a load of white stains. Theres loads of ducks and geese there and they all come out the water/pond for some food. But i was wearing long trousers which touched the ground- I felt my shoe step on the hem and it rugged so I instantly thought of the dirty ground. My issues with contamination OCD, specifically related to sperm is very much still there. I thought the ground has sperm. I came home and searched if that park was a ‘dogging’ spot and it turns out to be so. I’m in a panic about what my clothes has come home with and the children’s shoes and that they were touching the railings there. How is do I cope? What do I do? It’s not just in my head. This is there!!

I get like this too. Sometimes I just don't know how to react An then start overthinking.

Thank you PolarBear an Irregular for your replies. It's much appreciated.

I obviously want to wear it - I even touched my face when I took it out the washing machine because I could sense my fear and wanted to just be 'normal' An keep going but now I'm feeling a lot worse. To top it off I opened a new box of kids storage boxes - 3 inside each other and the middle one is so filthy- it's like got all these stains like grease and even the handles mucky! My daughter had opened them because I'd told her too, having avoided using them for ages and now I'm thinking what have I done?!