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MRDT

Bulletin Board User
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Everything posted by MRDT

  1. so very strange that this should come up whilst eating something I shouldnt have been, aware it was the wrong time and out of context. My eating is really disordered and it really bothers me and affects my health. I am very very compulsive with chocolate and cookies and cake, and i skip meals in order to be hungry for later - replacing meals with diet coke or redbull. I binge on chocalte or cakes till I am really bloated and ill for the next day or two. I have panick attacks in supermarkers just not knowing what to buy and eventually just come home with junk and live off that - the healthiest i get is cold cuts and mustard in a wrap. I sometimes ever fear eating or mealtimes. And I dread the evenings because I know I am going to be either craving, or feeling sick. Luckilly i have a wonderful wife who does the shopping and cooking most of the time, and she is very health conscious. But we both travel a lot and i am often home alone. So that's my experience. It's torture.
  2. Mad nonsensical thoughts ..... i relate to that. And I also relate to shouting in a supermarket. I shout expletives at my OCD at least two or three times a day if not more, normally at home but sometimes in public places. My thoughts are so ludicrous, irrational and frightening and when I believe them I go into meltdown and rituals and mumblings and mutterings. And when I fight them I shout loud swear words. But SOMETIMES, on a good day, in fact mostly, I can recognise them for what they are and just move on......
  3. thanks Annabel - not until today have I realised that I have suffered from exactly this for 30 years. My Goodness I have had some miserable lunchtimes in the sandwich shops. But I thought it was just me being overly precious. Now I see its just another arm to this horrific illness that I had not even associated with it; so I can try to apply the "just a thought?" to it.
  4. For me, i really try not to listen to anyone who tells me not to take meds. Particularly because I am in a 12 Step Fellowship, and some people there preach against taking meds. I have never ever been able to get my horrific OCD into any kind of check without meds, and I am currently on 3 different kinds. Although not all specifically for OCD, the main one (fluoxetine) most definitely IS, and it really does help - although even with the meds, the OCD is still so bloody powerful as to be painful and debilitating at times. Arg. BUT back to the meds, I have a strict rule of leaving it to the professionals, in my case a psychiatrist who understands addiction and 12 step fellowships.
  5. I am experiencing exactly the same thing. It's SO painful. I actually had about 4 really good weeks (my psychiatrist had increased my dose of fluoxetine) but then everything came back with a bang and was worse than ever. It was like it was fighting back. So I went to see him last week and he upped the dose again. Now I am on the highest possible dose. Things have kind of calmed down again but this morning I had a massive event. Apparently it's circumstantial and I can react accordingly to things going on externally. It literally drives me mad, and is so depressing. After I had the event this morning I was SO depressed. So you are not alone.
  6. I spent a long time, a good few years, worrying about the same thing. I know that I was tested when I was 16 when the OCD first really set it. Eventually it went away (and was obviously replaced by something else!) - and it does return sometimes. I ofter wonder if some of the thoughts I get are really parananoia, in which case I then go back to "actually I must be a paranoid schizophrenic) ... the thing is that those thoughts used to terrify me, and now they are just thoughts. The very word "schrizophrenia" can give me a rush of fear - but I have to remember that even if I was, there is equally good treatment for that. So I totally relate to what you are saying. And feeling. And thinking. But that's the key - its just a thought; there is no evidence. Listen to the prof, not your thoughts!! If you can. I hope this helps.
  7. Hi everyone, thanks for the nice welcomes. I have had a good week with regards to OCD. It's been a REALLY **** week with work and personal stuff, I got very very badly let down by someone I had been working with for 6 months. I also got assaulted by someone I should really not have been assaulted by - in what was meant to be a safe place. It was horrific. Also recently, someone I was close to committed suicide. All of these things, normally, would have been the MOST MASSIVE TRIGGERS but for the most part I was OK. The observation process is really helping. I still get the thoughts (a lot less though) but am able to walk away from them most of the time (which is so so so much better than it was). So - **** week outside, good week inside! Thanks again for the welcome. :-)
  8. Dude (yes I really said that) - I developed OCD when I was 14 and it was absolutely chronic from the start and I totally relate to everything you say. I was never properly honest about it - so to see you are being honest is just so awesome. Save yourself the years I had to suffer this; you are so lucky that treatment is out there - as long as you are totally honest about ALL the thoughts and rituals, no matter how hideous and embarrassing - or FRIGHTENING, you will be OK. I have the most horrendous and frightening thoughts. I finally shared them with my psychiatrist this week and he didn't even blink. i still have the thoughts but am slowly able to take the power out of them. I still have the feelings but I am slowly doing the same. A thought is just a thought and I don't have to believe it. Hang in there and keep getting better. Take the help thats out there and BE HONEST. You sound like a wonderful person to me. Matt
  9. .... I'm an Alcoholic. AND I suffer from severe OCD. And have done since I was 14. I have been sober for 8 years, and I am finally treating the OCD head on with the help of an awesome Psychiatrist, Fluoxetine, and my loving wife. I am reading a great manual (recommended by this site). And I will probably get some CBT sometime soon. My OCD has absolutely ravaged my life for the last 32 years. I cannot believe its been that long. I would say that my OCD has been "manageable", in that I have lived a reasonably normal life (with the exception of being a screaming alcoholic). I was misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar and have been on bi-polar meds for quite a long tie. My 'manageable" i mean I have managed to keep it hidden from most people except my wife. But inside I have been in pieces for so much of the time. Sometimes unable to get up, move, get dressed - literally ritual after ritual after ritual, muttering things, then telling myself to @@@@ off in the mirror. And that's just the first 10 minutes. Needles and syringes everywhere and in anything to ***** me, food contaminated, seats on public transport, pavements, invisible specks of poison being thrown at me by passers by, hand contact with anyone petrifying ..... the list goes on and on ... And that's before the magical thinking - the curses on things, on me, on my clothes, the terrible things that could happen, the menace out there that wants to get me if I wear those socks, etc .... ad infinitum. And the thoughts that I am the worst person in the world capable of doing the most terrible things. It's SO VERY TIRING. But now the fluoxetine is kicking in, I would say I am 80-90% better and determined to get this under control. Its only the really big stuff that gets me now; If I can walk away and leave it for 5 seconds the anxiety subsides. I went to the park just now with my dog and I was able to not only pick up his ball, I was able to pick it up from a puddle (that normally would have been contaminated and full of needles or germs). That's progress. I am so pleased to be hear and to have slowly moved out of the hideous, monstrous whirlwind. Hi everyone. Matt
  10. I don't know what de-realising is; but if its what it sounds like, i get it too. Being totally completely and utterly detached from where I am, like nothing is real, my voice sounds very strange in my head, other people's voices sound incredibly strange, I feel like I want to have a panic attack and just run away, I think I am going to die in that very moment. Is that what it is? In which case you are not alone. Just going back to the alcohol thing; I would never preach to someone that they are an alkie and i wasn't suggesting you were! Its great you have decided to stop for while, hopefully you can chill out a bit. But you did mention "withdrawals" in a previous post. Just be aware that cutting back on alcohol if you are used to drinking a lot, definitely has some nasty symptoms. One of which, unfortunately, is anxiety. If you have been alcohol dependent at all it can't be really uncomfortable. If they are severe you need to see a doctor. Does any of that make any sense? Matt
  11. HI Lucy - I am totally new to this forum but your post really struck me. I am a recovering alcoholic, with severe OCD, which is now beginning to subside (with meds and a psychiatrist and my loving wife). Back in my youth, I used alcohol as an anaesthetic to my OCD, and this continued well into my 30's; alcohol was the solution to everything and i knew that if I had 2 or 3 drinks the fears / obsessions / compulsions would subside for a while. I havent had a drink for 8 years, I am a full on member AA and I can tell you that life without alcohol is not only OK - its much much much better. And the OCD is treatable since there is no alcohol in my system to confuse things. I have been totally honest with my psychiatrist; I was previously misdiagnosed as bi-polar, but now we are focusing JUST on the OCD which has plagued me since I was 14 (I am now 46). So my suggestion is - dont worry too much. If you think you might have a problem, go to AA where you will be welcomed with open arms. If you dont have a problem, then dont worry - you could soon get used to not drinking - a day at a time! PS - if you are on meds, alcohol does mess with them ..... Best. Matt
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