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kirby42

Bulletin Board User
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Everything posted by kirby42

  1. I understand what you're saying but I find it so hard to let go. I feel people who don't really know me would hate me if they knew what's going on in my head.
  2. About 5-6 years ago something happened which I still think a lot about. It creates a lot of guilt and depression in my mind. It was probably the catalyst for a lot of my depression and OCD. I would say that there was maybe a year since it happened where I managed to break free from thinking about it. For the past several months it's been on my mind a lot. Certain numbers, dates and places trigger memories of it. I've talked to people about it and they tell me not to worry. But I just can't stop thinking and beating myself up about it. Help?
  3. I have pure O, I'd that term is okay to use. Because of my social setting, I am totally surrounded everyday by things which are central to the themes that bother me, objects, people, locations. Nothing bad has ever happened. I've never lost control. I seriously doubt that anything bad ever will happen. I prove it all wrong again and again, just by living my life. Yet thoughts persist and I'm stuck in a loop. I often think what would happen if I did this, what would people think of me for having these thoughts, how would my life be different if I didn't have this. I'm stuck. Please share some advice.
  4. Not talking about big strategies or theories, but what are the little things that help you deal with this? I love sports, working out helps raise my spirits and I like the "tired" feeling afterwards.
  5. That's good advice, thank you. If I can effectively deal with this, then my life will be amazing.
  6. Thanks for replying. I just feel worried that I'll never get better than I currently am. I honestly feel my life would be perfect if not for this. It's like a heavy weight I'll need to carry for the rest of my life.
  7. Going through a mixed few weeks. My anxiety is in check but I have an overriding feeling of depression. On the outside I am fine, people say they're envious of me for things that I can do and things I've achieved. But inside I feel the ever constant presence of dark thoughts. It makes me think that I'll never truly be happy. Is this truly what the rest of my life will be like? Being alive bit not really living? I feel numb and that I'm just going through the motions.
  8. It's hard but I'll try. A therapist said that I just shouldn't give the feeling the time of day and eventually it'll subside. It makes my stomach sink just thinking about it.
  9. Thank you for your advice. I've always tried to live a good person and there's only about one event that really tears me up. It was five years ago and I've tried so hard to live a good life since then, and I have. The guilt fuels my depression and anxiety. I've thought about it almost every day since last November and I worry how others would judge me if they knew. My family, close friends and doctors know about it. They say I'm too hard on myself and that no one remembers or thinks about it except me. But I can't let it go. I hate myself.
  10. Just wanted to write a little update saying that I had a good week. I kept busy with work and friends, lots of exposure, controlled rumination well, mainly from just staying busy and trying not to get too worked up about the thoughts. Mindfulness meditation helped a lot with this. One thing that really bothers me though is guilt from my past. I feel like a terrible person. It creates huge anxiety and makes me depressed. How can I deal with it?
  11. Any ideas folks? Trying to get a game plan going for this working week.
  12. Today was quite a busy day out and about in the city. I had lots of intrusive thoughts on a variety of topics and I simply tried to observe them as thoughts. I didn't react to them, tried not to judge them. They didn't create much anxiety. I also tried to stop ruminating about past thoughts/events by diverting my attention onto other things. One thing that I tried doing was welcoming the thoughts to come at me full force, agreeing with them and exploring them. For example... *TRIGGER WARNING* I see someone on a train platform. A thought can come "I could push them on front of the train". Then I say to myself "Yeah and I'm gonna laugh my head off like a maniac and film the whole thing on my phone". Is this a bad approach to take? I'm just trying to take some power away from the thoughts so that I can get on with my life.
  13. Hi Lily! Have you tried mindfulness meditation? There's some good apps out there to get you started. It's good for helping you realise that thoughts aren't the problem, your reaction to them is.
  14. Ohhh I have lots of plans. I don't think I'm going to be suffering from this forever. I'm going to go back to uni, find a nice paying job, get married, have kids, live in a nice apartment, continue doing sports and learning languages, watch football with my friends on Saturdays. Those are all my plans for now!
  15. Definitely. I recovered before. For the best part of two years I was loving life. It's hard, but doable.
  16. Just gotta push through and disregard the thoughts.
  17. Annnnnddddd just as I write that, I'm feeling bad and anxious again. This is gonna be tough.
  18. Ten days ago ago I hit a low that I hadn't been at in a long time. Since that time I went back to home country for work related issues and I'm staying with my parents for a few days. I met up with my old cbt therapist today and I left feeling quite positive. He said we all have intrusive thoughts and he even shared with me some of his. He said being socially isolated in a foreign country isn't doing me any favours so I'm considering moving home for good to be close to my family. Though I haven't decided for sure yet, I like the city I live in. I'm practicing mindfulness and trying to do exercise more regularly. With regards rumination I was told that I should keep busy as possible with real life. Even a 20 minute period where I sit and stare at the wall can be detrimental. Idle time is dangerous time. I need to recognize when it's happening and focus on something else. The same thing applies for feeling bad about mistakes that I made long ago. I just have to not give it the time or space in my mind. Though I'm worried that this could be thought suppression, a big no-no. Rumination is definitely my biggest problem. I ruminate into depression. I've changed my medication a bit and I hope that this will help. I'm also gonna try to read less on ocd. I can spend ages a day googling for some secret answer, or I can Google my way into compulsions. On paper it all looks fairly straightforward. If anyone has any tips, warnings, support, please write
  19. I reckon I spend up to an hour a day reading about ocd, be it in forums, YouTube, whatever. While it's nice to know I'm not alone, this can't be helpful in overcoming obsessive thinking, can it? Also, I've read a lot recently about how wanting the thoughts to be gone, imagining life without them etc. only serves to feed them. I need to accept them, even invite them into my mind. Is this correct?
  20. Does anyone else find that they are way worse in the morning? I feel anxious when I wake up and tend to stay in bed for a long time reading about ocd before I get up. Also, I live alone and quite far away. I am quite isolated at times. Does anyone else live alone and how do you deal with it?
  21. In what way have real life events affected your OCD and mental health? When I was a kid i always had "quirks", like arranging everything evenly, making sure that I always looked in a mirror when I passed one etc. None of these ever caused me any anxiety or problems. When I was 21 I accidentally landed myself in a bad situation. I got out as soon as I realised what was going on. This experience was very traumatic for me and I had to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. It was the trigger for my intrusive thoughts and depression which I still have now. I feel extreme guilt about it, even though family, friends and doctors tell me that I'm being silly and overreacting. They told me that i never set out to do anything bad and that I got out when I realised what was happening. Nonetheless, I think about that day a lot, almost everyday. I feel awful about it. I don't live in a very good area. Last summer I saw a man get stabbed and I've seen three dead bodies on the street in the last two years. There are people who I used to know but haven't spoken to in years in jail for some very serious crimes. But none of this bothers me. I feel desensitized. I want more than anything to be normal and free of these thoughts. I have so much I want to do in life.
  22. I went through a period of about 14 months where I would've "recovered". I had intrusive thoughts quite a lot but I managed them well, just ignored them and continued with my day. I remember several occasions where I thought to myself, "remember that time two years ago when I had constant terrible thoughts and needed therapy? God that was a dark time... what's for dinner?" I even quit antidepressants cos I felt so good. Rumination is the biggest problem for me. When I don't ruminate I feel pretty good. For me, it was the frequency of the intrusive thoughts/images which affected me more so than the content. I would often think "it's not normal to have these thoughts all the time." Having maybe one a day is manageable. What my issue is, is ruminating on the thoughts and the past and that's a real kicker. I've been going through a relapse since last November and the past week has been especially difficult. What keeps me going is the knowledge that I've had good times in the past and that maybe they can return in the future.
  23. I went through CBT before and I found it helpful. Though these days I feel like I'm back at square one. I have a book called "Stop Obsessing"and I also have "CBT for Dummies". I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety and still feel very depressed. What's massively bothering me even more so than the content of the thoughts themselves, is just the fat that they are present so often and that I don't feel "normal" because of them. I feel people would hate me if they knew what was going on in my head. Last night I saw some homeless guys and I thought "that will be me in a few years after I do something horrible and go to prison and then get out". In the country I live in, homelessness is basically a death sentence because of the cold.
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