hejsa

Hi everyone. I'm 21 and have been dealing with OCD on and off since I was about 14, and I got a significant 'flareup' three months ago. This flareup just made me realize I need to get treatment so I have bought several books on mindfulness, CBT, ERP and OCD that have been helping a lot. (Been meaning to see a therapist but it hasn't happened yet. It will happen soon) The books and reading have done wonders already, I have not had a panic attack in a couple of weeks and was having them every night and just felt uncomfortable in general. I am learning a lot about ERP and look forward to doing it in therapy; I have done it on my own but still feel I need help. Recently I feel light anxiety only, which sounds good theoretically, but it worried me a bit last night when I was spiked and did not feel panic like I used to. I learned this is a backdoor spike? My brain has habituated itself to most of the obsessive thoughts, and since that is the case, it tells me that they're true since I'm not crying and shaking and nauseated in response to the 'obsessions'. It's like the panic attacks are now my way of 'knowing' I don't want my OCD obsession to be true..so when my brain treats them like it should, it doesn't feel right. An example is that I was very worried and wanted to check my old broken laptop because OCD told me I downloaded illegal material without knowing, and whenevr I was on the computer or my phone I was very worried that I would come across a bad site or link. But suddenly it does not worry so much, so my brain says "You want to download that, you want to click bad links, etc." Um no? Why would my worst fear become a desire in just a few days? Ugh. I am hoping this is a sign that I am getting over it, but I do not know how to approach this. Does anyone have any tips or links to resources about this? Thanks for reading.

Hi! I'm also 18, and new here as well. To answer your last question, I have been experiencing a lot of OCD too for awhile. I'm familiar with your feelings of being out of control, and I don't think you (or anyone else with OCD) should go to an asylum. It's so scary to have these thoughts, but I think professionals these days seem understanding. Just wanted to let you know that I relate to you!