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Petal

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  1. You would have seen my post in the last few weeks related to telling myself I’ve done something awful to a baby.. feels real but I know ocd and how it works. My partner knows about my thoughts and despite this he trusts me and we’ve talked about having a baby. Im step mum to his two boys, look after my sisters babies every fortnight and work in child protection. I love children and have always wanted to be a mum. I’ve got a huge heart and a lot of love to give 💕 I’m also the richest woman in the world as ive finally met someone who I can envisage fathering my child. Its becoming real this having a baby yet I’m plagued with doubt.. should I go ahead in light of what I tell myself I’ve done.. my ocd theme is sexual harm/abuse, my biggest fear to cause this. I tell myself I’ve abused 😭
  2. The checking by repeating action. ive also confessed to partner about the itch and he says you did nothing wrong, Just like picking your nose just another body part. It’s one of these things people do but don’t talk about. That’s reassurance seeking too another compulsion. why do the thoughts have to involve my babies??? I feel so strong this urge to confess I’ve hurt the baby it feels that real. But then other side of brain says how can you confess to something you haven’t done!!
  3. My biggest love and treasure is my two nephews, gorgeous gorgeous boys and I love them so very much. I put them before anything in life. I have looked after the 3 year old since my sister returned to work and am now doing the same with the youngest who is 1! I was looking after the baby sat on sofa, while he was crawling on the floor, playing with his toys. He is into everything so he was busy exploring his environment, learning. I had an annoying itch so relieved it by putting hand down my knickers. Fingers in body part as was uncomfortable. Nothing sexual at all, rather had an itch. This has now triggered an awful fear that I’ve done something inappropriate in the presence of child. ‘I fingered my xxx.’ I remember after I itched panicking and left it an hour and did it again to check it was ok? To recreate the moment, noticed baby wasn’t aware! Baby wouldn’t have known anything or noticed I had hand down my trousers to itch, lasted a brief few seconds. However this has now manifest itself as pure panic and transferred to telling self perhaps it wasn’t me I did it to but the baby? And it feels more real believable as I know I did put my fingers down my knickers so an intimate body part was touched albeit mine. But then I’m having self doubt creep in, telling me it was baby. In the past I’ve told self I’ve done awful things, I know deep down these things are rubbish and whilst I got a feeling it’s true in past, this feels different as it’s 10x worse as had hands in knickers. I have woken up every morning with this panic ever since the itch. And feel incredibly scared 😱
  4. Well? I really don’t want to go into another week with this...? I can’t do it to him my guy.. it’s his nans funeral this week too!
  5. I woke up this morning following a weird sexual dream, I just batted it off as that and haven’t thought anymore about it. Had an early night, no excitement or drinking! But why didn’t I get that, or wasn’t 💯 sure of that when I had the same last Sunday when I woke up with (not sure if it was a dream or thought re having been fing£@d on night out with partner). Do you think it was because the alcohol was there so a doubt? I woke up with the dizziness etc. But could that have been the effects of dehydration, hangover causing confusion. I’m dead set that last night was a dream just wish I had that certainty that last week was too? And cause I haven’t with that I’m questioning when more if it happened?
  6. Distraction, distraction, distraction! Start you’re birthday with a nice coffee and breakfast followed by a walk! Get away from flat even if just a couple of hours so you can’t clean. Sit with anxiety that it’s not being done, don’t think about it, focus mind on what you’re doing I.e walking, take each step, look around, savour the taste of your breakfast. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you deserve it to be happy 😃
  7. Thank you sweetheart. i haven’t had an official medical OCD diagnosis but during therapy a couple of years ago this was discovered. At the end of the therapy the scores for the OCD test were less so the therapist said that I hadn’t the symptoms any longer. Obvs a successful therapy bout. Now I’m thinking well if it was cured is this now even OCD??? I’m really distressed. Youve really helped me this week and I have not despite my desperation mentioned the again? Went to best friends house weds who we were out with and even resisted checking with her. Although she had mentioned previously no point asking me anything about sat night, can’t remember anything - drink hey!!!
  8. I’m feeling really really low today
  9. A bit wobbly but better with the distraction... I haven’t discussed it with partner again though. This is sooo ridiculous as I know the difference between nonsense and reality. You have been so supportive GBG THANK YOU
  10. I’m going to watch a programme and stop analysing, could you check in with me in an hour, brain is wired??? im so lucky to have my partner he’s absolutely incredible, therefore I’m putting his needs before mine he doesn’t need this rubbish. For me to tell him again my thought
  11. I am honestly dwelling on the thought that I’ve been...I want to say it but don’t want to be too graphic (think finger and backside), and I’ve cheated in this way. It’s sooo disgusting.The thought was there as soon as I woke up, I can’t for certain say it was a dream, (think so) or random thought but I’m sure it could NOT have happened. When I told partner what I’m thinking he said ‘it wasn’t me’
  12. Thanks GBG, I’ve just done the recycling and made a cup of tea instead. Sometimes I think he’s better off without me who wants a partner who has the thought they’ve ...... If he said to me I just had the thought I fing£&-: a girl in a club last night I’d be like what!!!.. he’s good as gold though, I then think he must think I’m mental etc l etc ..who tells themselves this stuff
  13. He’s building some furniture in back room in a taking all my energy not to go in
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