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Petal

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  1. Thanks so much great analogy and a comfort x
  2. I am an intelligent, caring and rational person whose made a career supporting the vulnerable. I do not suffer delusions and can distinguish reality from false memory. I know if something has happened or not! I couldn’t do the job I do if not I would never confess to something I have not done. So why oh why do I wake every morning with the same sudden thought I’ve done this awful thing, it’s all consuming...and so distressing it triggers depression. Im trying really hard not to mention to my other half that the thoughts are there again. I’m looking out the window on this beautiful sunny day and I have so much to be thankful for. If I do have a break from thoughts and life’s good as a result it’s like my brain goes right you’ve got nothing to worry about let’s find something. Im after quick fire coping techniques upon waking please?
  3. Trying to find evidence is a compulsion. The more you look the more it will seem real. You can’t find true solid evidence of something that hasn’t happened so no point! As it’s not there your ocd brain will fictiously come up with evidence. Remember just because you can imagine details of an event doesn’t mean it’s real! I feel your distress currently suffering myself, go outside feel the sun on your face and distract- thinking of you
  4. I suffer similarly and it’s all a load of rubbish, you haven’t caused harm. You wouldn’t be making this a problem if there was one as you wouldn’t need to because others would be presenting it to you . A little coping advice don’t try to recall or ruminate exact events as this allows brain to exaggerate truth make more of the facts than is necessary, when ruminating you attach meaning/ significance to the facts which is like a big fat steak 🥩 dinner to ocd. Also when there’s alcohol involved there’s a huge risk of increased self doubt as when you present the facts to yourself your brain will go but what if I can’t remember..? What if noone saw..? What if my alcohol causes me to do so..? I heard a phrase once in response to What ifs.... I find it useful WHAT IF.... NOTHING? finishing the end of what ifs in this way Doesnt then allow for compulsions / distress so Ocd starts to die and let’s face it we all want to kill it xx
  5. I have a worry about cheating and I got into bed yesterday pm and led there thinking of all the nights out where a fear has arisen morning after. Usually a trigger so for example got drunk, being flirty, comments that stand out! I went through some examples with my partner including facts of one night where I naively agreed to go out for a bite to eat with someone I had supported at work - I’ve posted and if I recall on another occasion perhaps a kiss on cheek (this one over 12 months a go). I HAD to know from my partner that if I ever made a mistake in future I.e was unfaithful ( I have absolutely no intent, he and my step children are everything) that he would believe me!!! I worry that he would dismiss it as my obsession BUT I need to know he wouldn’t do that if it was true. It would be my hope we would discuss it and deal with the reality if I did ever cheat as yes it’s my fear but I have acted care free and a bit overly flirty on a night out before - NOT whilst I’ve been with partner this time. I’m sure he would believe me had I done anything or in the future. Even though I have fears/obsessions I’m trustworthy and would never intently hurt him. Can someone (NOT REASSURE) talk me through my behaviour yesterday please?
  6. I feel really sad, feel like I’m dragging my partner down with me and cry weekly at present
  7. Handy CBT is about adapting behaviours to best cope with your thoughts I.e. intrusive thought appears, don’t behave by responding, behave through distraction and letting it pass by not reacting. True PB I think we know deep down the logic as all on this forum have a logical brain as well as an Ocd brain, we know it’s not logical I.e what we’re convincing ourselves has happened and deep down we know it’s not true that we have acted on the intrusions hence why they are labelled false memories however that doesn’t stops the distress or overwhelming feeling that it’s real. When I’m in panic I try to use my coping mechanism. Whats bugging me at the moment is that I have had these thoughts especially in light of everything dear to me I.e loved ones, incl children and my career xxx
  8. Sharing my thoughts is this ocd or just irresponsibility? I sent this to my friend who is a nhs 111 call operator: Hey mate I don’t want to hog up another 111 line but I need to know whether M and I need to self isolate? We are fine kids are fine (they live with us 50% of the time and their mum 50’%). We saw them last night. Yet their mum has symptoms which came on this morning. Kids were back with her when she developed the symptoms so they are all in 14 day quarantine. Do we need to now stay in as we had contact with the kids and If so how long? Xxx HER REPLY... No if no symptoms fine only when you do self isolate but ideally everyone should be staying in but no need to self isolate yet xx I WENT OUT TODAY AND NOW IN MY HEAD (IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT ME) HOWEVER IF A MOP PERSON IVE SEEN / COME INTO CONTACT WITH GETS SERIOUSLY ILL OR DIES ITS MY FAULT AS I KNEW KIDS WERE SELF ISOLATING 😢☹️😵
  9. If you take action and cause the harm!!! Thoughts don’t mean anything I promise - I need to take own advice as it’s so easy to think what sort of person has these thoughts? What does that say about me? Am I safe? Should I be doing my job? having my relationship? What if people knew my thoughts? Should I confess the thoughts??? Why can’t I be like those without these thoughts? You get the drift. All the questions, micro analysing, self doubt does is increase your anxiety and cause depression when it’s bad enough having troubling thoughts or telling self you’ve caused harm when you haven’t
  10. You’re a wonderful person cub rather distressed by this awful doubting disorder. You really helped me today in response to a post I wrote, what you said was so accurate and insightful and you did this when at a very low place today yourself. Hence I say how wonderful you are... you’ve got a lot of insight and warmth to give others. Try if you can to turn that warmth and insight towards yourself, I can certainly recognise it, you should too. Sounds like you’re an amazing, daughter, sister and Aunty too 💕💓
  11. Thank you so very much cub I could cry as you’re right. I was only playing, I was in control at the time even though it was fast! I did trust myself so felt care free.. I’ve never made a child cry or cause harm EVER in my life, I love too deeply. I’ m wondering whether had the comment not been made I would be feeling less distress now. But it’s my fault. I’m trying to clean the kitchen to distract
  12. I quickly accelerated through a car park, no one in the car park. The whole event Lasted between 30 seconds to a minute. Not minimising it just stating facts Re what happened. At the time thought it was a bit of a fun, let’s joke leave daddy in car park, drive off. Kids laughing. I drive away as daddy stood having his vape not particularly fast! I couldn’t get out where I drove away So I turned back around - daddy got in as eldest boy age 13 said ‘dad get in’ which he did - it’s like GTA get away scene in a computer game. It’s at that point I drove extremely fast (turbo kicked in) around a corner, rows of cars either side and then straight ahead for a few seconds exiting the car park. I didn’t immediately register that was a stupid thing to do (although I know it is) until very close after the speeding when I was driving normally home. Eldest boy made a comment re consequences if there was a little kid in car park at the time - you get my drift. HE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. His comment to me was like a BOMB going off!!! Rather than accept yes that was stupid don’t do it again, learn... I’m in agony. At least the only consequence is my feeling though and NO Harm. I’m in bits now, IN SHOCK, SHOOK up and DEVESTATED. I explained to my partner my feeling and the trigger so he took eldest boy aside (don’t know what he said) but the boy said to me he was sorry for his comment ( but it was my fault)!! I said to him I worry and obsess about things but I felt I was in control, reassurance I guess. He’s fine!. Rather than have that the end of it; here is a list of my my doubts/obsessions/ dwelling and thought patterns during the last 15 hours... 1. What if I killed a child who was walking through the car park???? 2. What if I scared my step kids??? - ( don’t think I did as they were happy, laughing) 3. I know there are police bays in that car park, what if police get hold of cctv and see the event? 4. Will I get police knock on my door and arrest me for driving without due care or attention? 6. I work for the police will I lose my job? 7. Should I even work for the police having done this? Especially in child protection?? 8. I’m irresponsible, stupid and bad person - who does that with children in the car. 9. What would have happened if i was arrested at the time? Impact on me and the kids. 10. I WASN'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DRUNK and I will swear to the ends of the earth re that fact as I was driving!! I had a small amount of alcohol. Now questioning that very small amount, could it be ? What if? But I don’t need to but it’s where my heads at. 11. What if one of the kids says to his mum ‘’ petal drove through the car park really really fast and it was fun? And the eldest says ‘’ I told her there could have been a little kid there and it would be run over.’’ 12. Will I get an angry message from their mum??? Can anyone give me any practical actions to take as to what I do with all this??? In my head I’m thinking tell my Sister/Dad? Talk to my partner about it? thanks P
  13. Thinking of you Nikki. I also struggle in a Similar way, I don’t have an officiaL ocd diagnosis but prev therapist assessed me on this scale. All the symptoms are present in fact extremely rife at present I.e. false memory, rumination, anxiety, reassurance seeking etc, If i had to face what you have to Nikki would I face more severe consequences as I haven’t officially been diagnosed by a psychiatrist?
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