changemynametosomething

first of all: i love the quote at the end. second: i get your frustration about beeing home, im kind of fighting the same thing, but another obsessions. and its awefull when its awefull. my only tip is to try to refocuse anyways, and try to not do compulsions. i dont know if you do any? i dont have anything better to say, im trying my best to recovver myself, but i wish you all the best, at least.

im really bad at things when it comes to forums like this, i never know what to write, and when i do, i always feel like an outsider and that i dont get the connection others get. im just not good at it. (i do have adhd too, and i think this is one of the reasons)? but i feel so alone at times when dealing with this and this meant really much for me.?

you guys!!!!!! thank you so much, this means so much for me!

ive been doing really really great for a week, and now i feel im gonna fall back again. i think i should think of it as taking things in stages. ten steps forward, four back. two steps forward. two back. five forward, two back. and so on. and that its ok to fall back a little when progressing. it takes time. i dont think this is what you are asking, just rambaling here?

ive been doing so amazingly good this last week. ive come so long in my recovery, and feel im on the right path. i need to be pushing forward, and i feel that this is the point where i might be tombelling down the rabbit hole again. or keep pushing forward. this is all i can write right now, i dont know how to put it. maybe some of you is able to read between the lines here, if not, i really get why i dont get an answer, i dident even write a question.

i was thinking: i guess they locked me out, and made it seem like the hole site was Down xD and then: uhm, no. xD

i live in norway, but i hope i will be able to see it when its released. i guess you will post about it when it is:)

this is so cool! maybe somebody asked you already, but is this a documentery sorth of movie, or not?

had to remove this?

read this bruces. here is your answer. im not gonna use more time here unless you are really willing to do this, because its.. pointless.

i really wish i could make you know what i know about this topic, and make you guys see this in another light, but i dont know if its any point of me explaining. other than: forget happy. aim for something else.

forget happiness for a second. and try to read the other things i wrote to you.

you missunderstand what happiness is.

No. i and i can tell you why. your brain is a machine. it needs to be occupied with something. it doesent matter what, it have to be occupied. right now, all you are occuping it with, is life/death-tourmenting things. if you didnt occupied it with that, it would go blank. its not possible. it doesent exist. what you need to do is to change focus. and do it to extremes.

its because you misunderstand what the issue really is. you are talking about "happy." there is no such thing as just beeing happy. and its not the shiny bright thing as you think it is. its not like people on the streets are just wandering around beeing happy at all times. they are just at a normal state, and now and then things happen wich makes them sad or happy, confused, realived, surprised, and so on. some of them even feel the same things as you are. you are not alone. you wish for something that doesent exist. when it comes to the things that tourments you, there are things you can do, but its not gonna be easy. i could give you some advice on where to start, if you are willing to try something else. im just not gonna sit here and write these long posts if its not worth it.

ok, so if i write something you could do, you would consider trying it? really try it?

i could give you some tips, but is it any point for me to do so?

bruces, i can already tell you some things about you that you might even not see yourself. first: you are a really reflected person. so much that it causes problems for you, but still, this is a very positive thing in it self. second: what you are going trough, and been trough, is one of the most brutal things a human beeing can go trough. you are trying to deal something that most people will never even dare to deal with. that makes you one of the toughest people in the world. you are trying and trying and trying and trying, you are fighting like hell, that makes you- a fighter. you are obiously and offcourse feeling aweful and its driving you crazy, that makes you- a normal human beeing. so to summon this up for you: you are reflected, tough, a fighter, and you are normal. how is this not a person you would like to be? off course do you feel terrible for trying to figure this out, you are one of very few that have the guts to try to do so, but now you have done that, you are done.

seeing yourself in another light? may i ask what you dont like about yourself?

how about.. changing the way you feel about yourself instead?

i pulled 100 kg (200 lb) for four repetitions at squats in the gym today! (im a girl) and i did it after a night with panick, and while being so angry and sad, but i just said, fk it, lets try i accept the fact that i had a setback on everything today, and im going to pause all of my ocd and troubles to tomorrow, because i have not slept much, im not doing this to myself today. im worth more. im not gonna go in my old footsteps after my setback today, im gonna accept that i can fail at times, and that thats ok. i will not see it as failure, but a minor fail just today. and accepting that is a part of going in the right direction. funny story, after my little meltdown i accidently walked passed a mirror, my hole face was black from makeup everywhere, and my hair was like standing right up, i had to laugh at that? i did something similar in a mental hospital some years ago, i was alone in my room, and managed to clog the toalett. didnt know what to do, so i was just standing there with a broom, trying to sqoush it down the toalett, and while doing it, i got a look at myself in the mirror. i was like: yeah, isnt this just rock bottom? i laughed so much at myself?

bruces, you are just in the deep ocean because you try to make sense of something you cant. its ok. anybody else would go insaine if they did what you do now. so you are just as anybody else.

they do at times bruces, and they get so owerwhelmed that they want to throw up, and they dismiss it or do something else. and other people dont even think about it at all, it can actually be just a coincident, they just never had the time/ they where bissy doing something else. the point is: the one "meaning" you can tell yourself is that your mind is not buildt to make sense of it.

to comfort you a bit: anybody who would do the same as you do now, would freak out eventually. If people- anyone- put themselfs under the pressure of being able to see any meaning in the galaxy- life- oblivion- the mystery of it all- they would go crazy. its not possible for any human to understand the things you are trying to understand at the moment. nobody- and i mean nobody- would be able to handle that. there is no meaning to anything, and there is meaning to everything. you see. its like trying to understand the universe, our brain is not capable to understand things like that. so what you are trying to understand and get a meaning from right now- your brain is not even close to be able to get any sense from it. thats why its so confusing to you.

had a HUGE setback on the relationship issue yesterday/this morning, and it causes me a lot of distress and anxiety. its only cause i put to much pressure on myself, and im taking on to much. i feel im having a nervous breakdown at the moment. i think its mainly because things where about to get better, and when the setback came, it was like falling down from a clip. i really want to let this day pass, make the best of it, and be moving forward. i know its gonna be alright, i just feel panicky and helpless at the moment. when it comes to the ocd part im also moving forward. so things are actually moving at the right direction, but i dont feel like it at the moment. thank you guys for reading this, i could really need some support and good words right now, maybe somebody can see the positive side of all of this and remind me- im a little twisted up at the momen