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Paul92

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  1. @dksea Thanks for your posts but you might be missing my overarching points which are the ones spouted by people such as Eckhart Tolle and his MILLIONS of followers. The thing is, a lot of it makes sense, but at the same time it is VERY scary and hard to accept. The idea of who you think YOU is is an illusion. A story that you tell yourself, which isn't real. Our sense of self is an illusion. We are events not people (as individual absolute entities like we think we are). We have developed a sense of self that is an illusion. Which is basically what Buddhism is all about. The ego. Which is why we suffer. We think bad things are happening to US, when ultimately, the US is an illusion. Does this make sense? So when I'm hugging my loved ones, I'm hugging a bag of particles that thinks it is something that it isn't. THAT is terrifying and takes absolutely all the colour out of my life. From day one, we are conditioned to believe we are individuals. We are like this, we are like that. Tolle and others say we think we are seperate from the universe, but we are the universe. However, he also says he was a spiritual healer. They believe in channeling, being able to change things with your thoughts etc. I absolutely don't believe in any of that. They say that animals don't have an ego or a sense of self, but I am not totally convinced by that. If a human was born in a forest and never came into contact with anyone else, assuming it could somehow feed itself, surely it would grow up with a sense of self? Maybe science has actually shown us that we are not who we think we are. This is horrible. I was to invest myself in genuine other people. Absolute entities, but we aren't. We're just a mental construct, can anyone not see that? I feel horrendous this afternoon. I don't know if it is the pill or whatever but I feel completely hopeless. The girl I was seeing has said she wants to be alone to figure out who she is.
  2. Thanks for that. I really can't eat anything, I feel so sick and nervous. I don't think I've ever felt as low in my entire life.
  3. Thanks for the support. My anxiety is just through the roof again. I feel so sick. Don't think that is the pills just how I am at the minute.
  4. Thanks for that. Well nothing major has happened thus far. Just feeling incredibly anxious today. Can't eat or function for it. I never used to be like this.
  5. Hi I can relate to this. I've been seeing a girl for around 10 weeks or so. We went official and then she said it was too soon. Which I understand. And then we've not spoken for a couple of days for one reason or another. The not talking and wanting to sort the situation out is making me really anxious. Coupled with my OCD worries, it's a hard time! Try not to overthink things. I know its hard and I'm bad for it. Sometimes you've got to just keep things at arms length... Your mind will always go to worst case scenario when it's not forced to go that way.
  6. Just taken my first ever Sertraline tablet 50mg. It really really took some courage and now I'm worrying a little about what reaction I'm going to have. Trying to stay calm. I had to give it a try at least, didn't I? Scary because I live alone. Perhaps I need to get out of the house in case I have a strange reaction..
  7. That's so true, I have to admit. I was actually thinking earlier I wish I could just go back to worrying about the end of the universe!
  8. It's a matter of trust, I guess. Use the forums if you trust the people here will only tell you what needs to be done to aid your recovery. And I do trust many on here. The helped I've received over the years has been incredible. I had another account before this one, and have been posting since late 2012. The techniques we are told to utilise do work. They have so many times for me. However, when it has come to existential issues, I've really struggled even when I've tried to use those same techniques. And I get scared that it isn't OCD issue. But again, I will trust. I've nothing to lose. This evening I've not googled anything and tried to just focus on other things. I've never felt anxiety like this.
  9. I went out last night and made a total dick of myself. I've been seeing a girl, then we started going out and I think she got worried it was all too soon. She was out last night and I went to see if I could see her. We was getting on fine. But I was just sat crying a lot of the night and started overthinking things, and she's really done nothing wrong. I was talking with a guy who I work with her suffers with depression and he says he sits wondering at night what is the point if we all die etc. He doesn't have OCD. He seems fine to be fair, he functions okay. I've got the radio on and brought a guitar downstairs... Smooth Radio, actually. Which makes me blub my eyes out in the current state.
  10. Thanks for that, Roy (I think that's your name). You've always been a great source of help for me and others. And I know how frustrating it must be for you to keep coming here and see me going round in circles. Please don't give up on me, I feel so alone. You know I trust you guys. I have had solipsism obsessions. I was genuinely scared that everyone and everything was just in my mind. I did the same things.. but then I stopped and now it doesn't bother me one bit today and I can see it is total nonsense. Just this time it seems much more difficult because of the popularity of such ideas that there is no us. People like Eckhart Tolle and other spiritual gurus. But I do not subscribe to any woo. I don't believe in psychics, the spirit, God, spiritual healing etc. I just don't. But like I say, the whole thing about what makes us 'us' scares me. All I want is to be an individual who can just exist and spend my time here with other nice people and have a good time. But I want them to be real. Not just an illusion. THAT is what is worrying me. I'm trying to stay occupied. First step is stopping Googling and going on englightenment forums etc.
  11. I just forced myself up to tidy my house.. I've eaten half a pot noodle all day. I can't face anything. Is this normal? I finished tidying the house... now nothing. Trying to stay occupied... but I can't escape the thoughts about how we're not individuals etc.. Trying not to Google or anything. Here we go again.
  12. There are other people online who look to be in the same trouble. It's as if we can't accept that life is an illusion and there is no 'you'. I'm taking the Sertraline in the morning. I have to give it a shot. I can't go on like this. All I have done today is lay shaking and vomiting because of my anxiety. I'm trying to calm down but I can't. If I have a drink all I think is well I'm event.. Particles replacing particles...
  13. It's hard. Has anyone ever just felt completely numb? And completely and utterly hopeless?
  14. I'm in such a dark place. I feel really detached from everything. I don't know whats real. I can't even get out of bed.
  15. Sorry guys. I'm on a night out and I just keeping thinking that we're not individuals and it is all an illusion. This girl Ive been seeing, I love her more than anyone will ever know, but I just keep thinking she's an illusion. It's absolutely heartbreaking
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