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Paul92

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  1. I see what you're saying. I just can't see this shifting or me feeling more at ease with it. Maybe I will. I don't know. I don't know whether I even had this sick fantasy about her. I can't remember. I was speaking to her today and trying to explain my ocd and she said she understands confessing things isn't helpful. She's done a bit of research on it. But I just think yes, but, you don't know what I would have to confess, potentially.
  2. Hmmm. I don't know. I just feel like I might have thought about it with her. And if I did, she'd just be disgusted about it.
  3. Thanks for your reply. But the fantasy was really messed up. And I feel as though if she knew I was into that stuff then she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Though I'm really past all that now. And I can't work out if I even did think of her like that. Am I a bad person if I just let it go?
  4. So everything seemed to be going great with the girl I'm seeing. Then last night I remember I used to have some really weird and messed up sexual fantasies. And I could determine whether I had thought about her back then doing this. I can't really remember but something tells me I must have at some point. I never thought we'd get together so I probably thought I might as well imagine this messed up fantasy, as I always found her attractive. But I don't know. And now I feel like she needs to know. To make a decision on who I really am. It's a really messed up fantasy but it's not something I think about anymore. But I did for a while. Like it's really quite disturbing I guess. It's going to play on my mind all day. Is it just payback for being messed up? I'd never want her to carry it out or anything, ever. And a part of me thinks I didn't think of her. But I can't remember.
  5. Trying my best buddy, thanks But yeh, you're right - it's insatiable. Yes - doing my best not. Thankfully I have a busy weekend with plenty of distractions. This forum means the world to me, I really can't thank you enough for your support.
  6. I see what you mean. Thanks. Struggling a bit today. Where do thoughts come from? Are we just robots? Really struggling. I feel shocking.
  7. Yes, that makes sense and I agree. I just seem to be questioning everything. Why do I like coffee? It's not 'me' liking coffee, rather a neuron in the big bag of grey flesh in this thing we called a head haha. Googling, thinking over and over, trying to reason, chatting to spiritualists, watching Youtube videos on neuroscience all day - it's all clearly obsessional behaviour. I mean, I guess the guys who work in neuroscience don't panic about it. Only, as you probably know, when you are in the middle of it, you really can't see a way out of it. I'd love to hear from anyone who managed to get past a similar theme.
  8. I'm trying my best. I've stopped going on the spirituality forums. I find myself ruminating a lot. However this is a tonne of evidence to suggest that there is no Self. As in, there is no 'you' pulling the strings in your head. You're just an ongoing chemical reaction. It just terrifies me and takes all the romance and magic out of life. I don't know. I know though, you are right, there are probably thousands upon thousands of individuals who debate these things but file it away and get on with their lives in the meantime. It is constantly on my mind and I find it incredibly depressing and upsetting. Doing my best to stay busy.
  9. Just realised there is a large thread already active on a similar subject. Sorry. I just came onto the forum in a bit of a panic without really looking.
  10. Hi everyone, Just struggling a bit today so I felt like I needed to post just get a few opinions. I will try and keep this as brief as possible. However, as I sit here now, I am in a bit of a panic and starting to feel like I am sliding back to how I felt back in March/April this year. Some of you might remember that I had a few existential worries back then. What makes us, 'us'? Are my loved ones real and do they have free will? Are we all just chemical reactions? Are we just products of random brain activity that is ultimately hard wired to survive and multiple above everything else? Can you think a thought, before you have thought it? Where does it all come from? These questions always seem to come about when I grow close to someone in my life. And I feel over the last few months I have really grown close to someone. I went through a rough time earlier this year, so did she, and here we are. We have come together out of all that darkness and I really treasure her. However, my mind just can't help but debate, is she real? Is 'she' pulling her own strings, or is she just a robot. We all have a sense of self, but is it just an illusion? I've started obsessing quite a bit today. It happens when I am alone. Googling. Debating free will with people. Looking at the matter of consciousness. Started posting on spirituality forums again. Watching documentaries on near death experiences and out of body experiences. Just trying to find an answer. I know this probably isn't going to come. Earlier this year, I tried to take my own life. That is how back it got and I can't bear to go back there. But to think that people might not be real, just chemicals interacting, hardwired over millenia, just takes the romance and magic out of life. For sure, we don't know for certain what a 'thought' is, do we? Is the mind the soul? I actually turned to Christianity for a while, wanting to believe we are souls in bodies, but I don't know. I just need an opinion as to whether anyone else has ever had these kind of worries and what they did to get past them? Is it OCD or something else? Is it just a case of not engaging and keeping occupied? Thanks.
  11. @dksea Sorry for not getting back to you buddy. Really appreciate you taking the time to write that out to me. I just thought I would give it a couple of days and see how I felt. For sure, it has faded a lot, but I anticipate that something else will pop up eventually. To be honest, since around Wednesday my old existential worries about free will etc have come back a bit. Just trying to stay occupied and not get involved.I spent all day Thursday just reading about free will and trying to find evidence that we do have it. It was seriously all day. I know that can't be good.
  12. Hey, I know exactly how you feel. Know you aren't alone. When you are in the trenches with it, it will drive you crazy. Just try and sit with it and it does fade.
  13. Sorry, it's just hard. I really think like I've done something wrong to her. Like I know it's ridiculous but I why did I have those thoughts? I guess I can see its ridiculous and not my real belief, but what if it was for a moment? I feel like I've really done something wrong. Trying my best to not think about it but when it pops into my mind my heart sinks.
  14. So she messaged me a few times last night when I was asleep saying that she missed me. I think she was a bit drunk haha. But my mind is in overdrive today. Like how can I be friends with her after thinking that stuff. I have moments of real panic and disgust. I feel really like hopeless. I have moments where I feel like I can just write it off as a weird train of thought. But then I don't know if it is and I feel like I have to understand why I was thinking it and exactly what I thought. I mean if I thought to myself that maybe there is a side to her that found her brother attractive at that time or something or like she has some secret thing for him. If I actually thought that then that would be terrible.
  15. Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean. And for the last few weeks, anything weird that came into my head I'd just be like, well that was weird, and move on. But with this it seems to have gotten stuck. And I keep thinking how disgusted she would be if she knew I'd wondered about something like that. Like she sent me snapchat saying "lads collecting firewood while I drink wine" or something like that. Her bro has his shirt off and my brain just created a scenario like where she secretly had thoughts about him. And I just can't let it go. I have moments of clarity and I realise it's all ridiculous but I feel like I have done something unforgivable. She honestly means the world to me and I know for a fact like it is all a weird fabrication in my head that I can't explain. I just feel like I have betrayed her or something and she is the last person on earth I ever want to betray. I seriously would die for that girl, I adore her. And I mean that in purely a friendship way. Maybe my brain is just a bit stuck and it will pass eventually, like OCD usually does and I will chalk it up as nonsense. I hope so. If I lose her as a friend then I will be lost.
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