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Paul92

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  1. It's so hard. She knows about my OCD. I was talking with her on Friday night and while I didn't exactly confess, I told her about how I worry about what I was thinking when I say things etc. She said she didn't really care, and that actions are what matters. But obviously I see those things as actions. So there's been a couple more instances that are worrying me. I play in a band and last night I played a gig. There was a couple of girls in the front row. I play guitar. And I kept worrying that I was showing off and trying to impress them. But when you're on stage you naturally put on a bit of an act and show off a little (though I'm really not a show off) and I couldnt concentrate. Obviously these women were attractive and they were right in front of me. I felt like I caught myself actually showing off to them a couple of times and I feel awful. I kept thinking of my girlfriend and it made my heart sink because we'd had such a lovely day together. Keep questioning if I loved her as much as I say I do, would I be showing off and putting a bit of an act for other girls. But I know I love her, I've no desire to cheat on her and never would, I know that for a fact
  2. I know what you mean about not being able to breath in properly.Have a look for a book by Claire Weekes called 'Self-help for your nerves' - it helped me a tonne when I was younger and had a lot of physical anxiety symptoms. I went from having panic attacks constantly and being a nervous wreck to having years of not really having any physical symptoms of anxiety. It's only recently with this particular set of worries that the nervousness and weird feeling have come back. Waking up in a morning feeling nervous etc. But I'm going back to that book. Deep breathing exercises really help. Breathe in as much as you can, hold it for a while and then let it out really slowly. I put my hand over my mouth so it doesn't let it come out quickly haha. All the time just relaxing all your muscles in your body. Do it over and over again and it really helps after a while.
  3. @malina Thanks Malina. Thanks for your support, I do appreciate it. I'll try and heed your words. It's really been in overdrive today. Questioning literally everything if I have to talk to another woman. Questioning how I'm walking as I pass someone. Literally everything. I get what you are saying. I might have just had a random moment that really holds no significance because, ultimately, I know what my actual feelings are...
  4. Trust me I've been there with other things. Let it go and go about your day as normal. Your mind will get bored of it and you'll see how silly you are being. I know how hard it is, but that is what will work for you. This is so insignificant.
  5. You know this just your OCD. Don't engage with thinking about it and you'll see how silly it is We all have mind farts, as I call them. Issue is you're thinking they're significant.
  6. @OCDhavenobrain But I remember panicking straight away, so I must have said it with the wrong thought in my head. It's weird because for months and months, especially since I met my GF, I never saw her friend other than as like a sister. But when she said her boyfriend was lucky to have her, I think I said I know in a way to sort of pull her boyfriend down for my own benefit. But I have zero interest in being with her? So why did I think what I did? I won't confess anything tonight, but I don't see how I won't feel as anything but a fraud.
  7. Yes, in my only other actually relationship when I was 18-20. OCD started when I was around 19 - I'm nearly 27 now. I would have to confess all kinds of things, from finding someone in the street attractive, to sexual fantasies and any sort of thought that I considered bad. I can see how some of things are silly. But I am struggling to see how this one is silly. I'm at work so not been able to think too much about it but I have a real nervousness in my stomach. I am spending the weekend with my GF and will be seeing her tonight. In the time I have been seeing her, we have spent some amazing weekends together. Usually I would actually be really excited to see her. I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. If I just act normal it is going to drive me nuts because I feel as though I am getting away with doing something wrong. I know that I only said two words: "I know" - I'm just worried about what my thoughts and intentions were when I said it. And I still don't see how it doesn't matter!!
  8. Sorry. I really am. I'm sick of this. Its just hard when you feel you might have wronged someone you hold so dear. I'd never do it consciously.
  9. How can I change it apart from telling her what I think I did so she knows who I am. Just don't see how I can carry on as normal if I did something unfaithful. It's killing me. Never want to hurt her.
  10. @PolarBear Struggling to see right now how it would be considered insignificant to say something with odd intentions to her best friend. My only explanation would be that I genuinely didn't realise what I was doing/thinking, because I would not consciously do it. @OCDhavenobrain Yes, I do feel a need to confess. But if I did, Id lose one of the best things that has happened to me for years. People say I havent done anything wrong, but if I did what I fear, I dont see how it is insignificant. Its betrayal, its disgusting and I dont deserve her after everything shes been through.
  11. Phil, I promise you, I have been there. Put everything you've got into not engaging. No Googling. Do not engage. Chalk it up as silliness. Hit it head on. It'll make you anxious in the short to medium term, but I promise it will get better. Be brave. Recognise you have a mental illness, which is fine. We are all here telling you how to feel better. So why not give it a try. I know it is hard. Remember I was freaking out about solipsism? I went through hell for a few days. But I didnt Google and carried on with my work as normal. I felt awful, truly. But today, sat here now, I couldn't care less about it! I promise you it does work. Youre a brave man for seeking help, grab the bull of your own life by the horns and tell yourself you will do what you need to do.
  12. @PolarBear But what if I DID do what I fear and then just realised what I'd said? Why is it insignificant if I actually did what I fear? How can I look her in the eye? What makes it okay to move on like I didnt do anything? Promise Im not being aggressive, just genuine questions, PolarBear. Yes, I do keep replaying it in my head. Sometimes I think I was thinking back to when we talked about how he gets away with murder, and then other times I am certain like I said it to pull her boyfriend down for my own benefit. If I did the latter, I can't live with myself and I can't really explain it other than just forgetting my new circumstances and some part of my brain latching on to her kindness and friendliness she shows me. Did I just make a weird mistake? Like a lapse in concentration? But if I was fully thinking and aware of everything, I wouldn't ever say anything Id consider unfair to my GF, ever. Clearly. Just worried she would never believe me that I am absolutely telling the truth and I could understand that.
  13. Can you just break it down to me how it is OCD? How can I live with myself? One of my other mates says it doesnt matter. He just says who do you like and who are you with. I said clearly my girlfriend. But I feel like I had a weird moment... and Im not even 100% that I did. I had this in my last relationship and I didnt confess but it just stayed with me for ages and made my life hell, so this will just be the same. It doesnt get better
  14. I'm going to have to tell her aren't I? To clean to slate. I don't even know for certain what I did. I was talking to one of my mates and they said 'only you know what I meant'. It just feels like I said it like I meant something by it which is why I panicked straight away. She deserves to know doesn't she? I feel really sick. I just want to talk to someone. My friends don't understand. Why did I do it?
  15. Never really had checking OCD that severely, which makes me wonder whether I have OCD. I have occasionally been worried that I have left a heater on at work and sometimes been worried ive hit someone in the car and driven round a few times. I think the way to get past it, Phil, is to really try not engage in the checking. Put everything you can into it.
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