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fightoffyourdemons

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Everything posted by fightoffyourdemons

  1. Thank you again, very helpful. In terms of it not mattering (and I'm not being awkward here, just curious), what would your stance be on say, the following example: What if someone who I hated (and hated me) had been the creator of the game or had written the song? Would it still be the same? Are there levels of separating the art from the creator? At the moment I'm thinking it is tarnished because I am imagining that the people behind it think badly of it (although I know in reality they know nothing about me or if I'm even listening to it/playing at all!). I did take the advice on board and started playing a new game of Fallout and am still playing now. It was hard at first, but feels like coming home slightly. I get so much comfort from the game, why shouldn't I play it? I have a lot of Fallout merch (even a subtle tattoo) and as my girlfriend said to me "I can't think of anyone who deserves to get joy from this MORE than you". I suppose I'm still battling the validation for playing the game, wanting to share it with others and then also not being 100% sure that I have never reached out to someone involved in the game, or that someone connected to the game has been hassled by me separately by my manic emails. Much like this message ha...No pressure to reply.
  2. Thank you very much for your long and kind reply, it's appreciated (and for the FO reference!). Thank you for sharing your story too and I'm sorry to hear you went through that. It is reassuring to know that you can get things back. I appreciate that I'm possibly doing the classic OCD thing of picking holes in help from someone, but my main issue is around the fact that the people behind the music/game, may think less of me due to something I actually HAVE done - i.e. I reached out (or may have reached out) and that could have had an impact. The feelings you describe though seem very familiar, and is a reminder for me to go back to that way of thinking when I battle intrusive thoughts. I'm struggling here that this is an intrusive action almost! Re. the pure-o, that's a very valid point too. Thank you.
  3. Hi there, apologies for the delay, thank you for your reply. Yes, writing it out was therapeutic in a way. Thanks also for your words, they are appreciated. Hopefully any interactions I did have haven't tarnished it too much. I do have other interests, but I know my OCD will self-sabotage them too, and there are always main things I come back to. My favourite band of all time (who I know I reached out to obsessively) and my favourite game of all time (which I can't remember if I reached out to or not), which I would like as my rock and miss.
  4. Hi all, I hope you’re keeping safe and well in this crazy world we are finding ourselves in. I apologise in advance if this is quite a long message. I also appreciate it that it may well come across as asking for reassurance, but I’m not sure where else to go. I’m hoping by just writing about it will help, but if in any way this post, or any replies I am kind enough to receive help me reclaim what I have lost, well, that would just be an amazing feat. For a brief bit of background on myself, I am male, 32, and suffer from Pure-O, borderline personality disorder and on-and-off depression. Growing up, I would always feel that I didn’t fit in, or that I wasn’t cool enough, or that I was undeserving of happiness or nice things. Because of this I would always try too hard, be super over the top or just ask for reassurance in a huge way. Because my world and my head were a very lonely place, I would seek comfort in worlds that I could escape in and these would provide me with places to feel safe, content, accepted. These ‘worlds’ would typically be music and computer games. I became absolutely OBSESSED with music from a young age, seeking solace in music, the bands, the songwriters and the lyricists. My teenage years are nothing but a blur of music, reading into words and feeling their pain and like I belonged. It wasn’t particularly healthy I know, but it got me through. A few years ago, I completely ruined my experience with music by getting an obsession into my head that I couldn’t listen to these bands unless I had made contact with the artists, spoke with them and effectively received their permission to listen to them. This validation and longing seemed vital to me, even though I had listened to the music for years. It became an obsession and after months of reaching out to them on social media etc, I had worked myself into such a frenzy that I was completely unable to listen to my childhood bands anymore. Some artists responded to me in a positive way, others ignored me completely, others were angry and blocked me. I understand that completely. I became obsessed and would sometimes send 10-15 messages, apologising for hassling them, effectively pouring my heart out, telling them my problems, asking for permission to listen to them. I managed to ruin so many bands, that I can't listen to them anymore. It sounds trivial, but it was my lifeline and I miss it so much. Because music built my formative years, I feel as though I've lost a bit of my childhood. I have conceded that I will never get that back and I have lost it forever. That is heartbreaking but it is what it is. Art is such a personal thing, that I can't help but feel that if the artist hates me, then I can't listen to their music or relate to them. The real thing which is now breaking my heart and making me very unhappy, is the fact I am slowly ruining my other passion and escapism - video games. I know that it is a trait of my conditions to sabotage things that I love, and although I deal with that every day, there are some things I cannot get past. I look for connections in things and ways that some things and products are linked. If I feel I have ruined a certain game for myself, I then can't play another game by the same company, or who uses the same voice actor. It's crazy, because I know most game studios have 100s of people working for them, and there isn't one person who is the creator (unlike perhaps a songwriter), but I can't help it. The main reason and game for my sadness is the game Fallout (and the other games in the series). The 4 recent Fallout games have been such a source of happiness, relaxation and therapy for me, but I feel as though I can't play them anymore. The reason for this is ridiculous. I saw an article about a fan reaching out to the creators, saying how much the game meant to them. They received a nice response. I also then read awful tweets some other people sent the creators, slagging off the games. Up until this point I had never reached out to the creators because I didn't want anything to jeopardise anything for me. At this point, seeing these other conversations triggered me, and I felt I had to validate the fact that I deserved to play the games by reaching out. At this point, I was also talking to some people who ran a Fallout podcast (unofficial), who I spoke to in a nice way, and I also had a massive case of the flu (this was a couple of years ago). I was tempted to reach out to the creators to say how much the game has changed my life, how much I needed it etc. But I don't think I did. But I honestly cannot remember if I did or not, because at that time, I was blindly firing off 10's of messages a day sometimes to things which I loved. To be clear, I was never rude, or offensive to people. But I just must have seemed absolutely mental to them. I can't remember if I reached out to anyone connected to Fallout or not, but I remember worrying that something had someone ruined it. I remember that feeling so clearly. I then put the game down and couldn't play it any more. I miss it so much. I have been wanting to play it again recently, to have that escapism, that joy, but I just can't. It feels so invalid. Which I know doesn't make sense, but I just can't explain it. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this, and I'm sorry for going on. But I just can't seem to beat this. I appreciate given the current climate this may seem trivial. But these things are my rock, they are what have stopped me from self-harm in the past, or given me a reason to be alive during my darkest times. Thank you for listening x
  5. Yeah crazy right?! It’s been overwhelming to wake up to that, thank you. And you’re right - I know that 363.5 days of the year usually. It’s been a while since my last CBT, so your last bit there is a welcome reminder. Thank you very much.
  6. Just to add, that should have read * “I suppose I did have a minor crush”
  7. Hey there, I apologise for putting this on people ok Christmas Eve, but I’m feeling at such a low ebb and I don’t know where else to turn. I can’t figure out if this is asking for reassurance for OCD or not but I think the fact I’m even questioning it suggests I know the answer. I will try to keep this brief..I promise. Sometimes bullet pointing makes things easier for me, and probably less painful to both type (and for you to read!). Essentially: Male 31 Diagnosed with OCD at 5 Diagnosed with BPD at 25 History of ROCD, extreme guilt worries, self-harm Am in a long-term relationship As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts on here, guilt and relationship struggles have been a lifetime problem for me. As has been ruining everything that is important to me: relationships, friendships, music, birthdays etc. Relationships and guilt has always been the mainstay though - avoiding eye contact with females, not talking to them etc etc for fear of falling in love. I build walls which are stressful and counter helpful to life and I have always tried to avoid this and ‘live in the moment’z Over the past year, my girlfriend of 3 years and I have had quite a few issues, which thankfully we have made it through and we’re looking forward to Christmas and a new start. Our relationship has often been turbulent, mainly due to me and my mental health struggles - but she has her own too (although is far more together than I). She lost her father to suicide when she was 17 which still cuts deep. Throughout it all though, we have had mutual respect, an understanding of our issues and a willingness to accept the differences and we realise what we have is special and worth fighting for. This summer we very nearly broke up, things were very rocky, she nearly moved out etc etc. When this happened, I let my ‘OCD walls’ around females down somewhat, because I felt “**** it, we may be breaking up and I have enough stress anyway”. It was strangely liberating and I honestly thought we were going to break up, so all this other stuff didn’t seem worth it. Now we are better, I suppose I am in a kind of diluted ‘half-way house’ between the two - almost I suppose a healthy state. I’m committed, I don’t cheat, but I don’t run away from females. I will talk to a pretty girl at work. A small part of me will enjoy it when they talk to me. I’ve heard this is normal. That’s all it is. I just let it happen. A few months ago, I suffered a bit of a crisis where I thought I was developing a small crush on someone at work (I posted about it on here), and I let it pass. I didn’t act of course. I guess it worried me because it felt like an ‘actual’ occurrence rather than an OCD one. I suppose I didn’t have a minor crush, but almost entirely based on physical appearances and the fact I had had relationship issues at the time. I never engaged in conversations that I didn’t need to for work, or give any indication that I was single or interested. Perhaps some very minor flirting which was probably not even noticeable, even though it ****** with my own skewed internal moral compass. There were a few other occasions with other females where I would normally have recoiled, but I just let it be. Outside of my head, nothing was inappropriate. But my thoughts were at times. Sometimes I would think “**** it, she’s cute, she’s talking to me, that’s cool”. Move on. Anyway. It brings us to Christmas. I love Christmas, I love my girlfriend and I can’t wait for us to spend it together. I can’t wait for her to open her presents and she is the same. It feels special this year - in a wholly real way - we know we are through the other side. Now all I can think about is how it isn’t real, how it is tainted by my actions this year. I can’t even pinpoint exactly what I feel guilty about anymore. Only that it doesn’t feel right and I don’t deserve to be happy with her and that I’m being unfaithful to her. What is 100% true is that: 1 - I have never cheated 2 - I have never even come close 3 - I have never meaningfully flirted or given the impression I am interested 4 - I don’t lie and I am loyal I have however: 1 - Had doubts 2 - Felt I had a crush for a few weeks and perhaps even a part of me enjoyed it, although I still loved my girlfriend, didn’t pursue the crush at all and it has now passed 3 - Thought about being with others at times 4 - Relaxed my moral compass somewhat since we nearly split up 5 - Got this feeling that something isn’t ok This means I feel: 1 - Christmas is ruined 2 - Our happiness is fake and based on a lie 3 - That I must confess or do something to ruin Christmas 4 - So deeply unhappy, and low and lost That’s essentially it. Not a question. Not even some moral or intellectual revolutionary moment. It’s nearly Christmas. I feel like I’m scum. I feel like a bad boyfriend. I feel disloyal. I want to cut (but I won’t because it’s been nearly 2 years). I just want to enjoy this time with my partner but it feels invalid. For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ll ‘make it’. But that it’s based on a lie. I don’t even know what I’m wanting to confess anymore. Just millions of thoughts, worries, minor actions which have added up and coming to the surface the day before my favourite day of the year. Perhaps I deserve it. I’m sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading if you have. I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any thoughts - even if it is “yes, you’re an *******, deal with it”, please feel free to tell me. I do genuinely wish all of you a happy Christmas period and I hope you can enjoy it with yourselves or your loved ones. Thank you x
  8. Is anyone else triggered or spiked by the Christmas period and special occasions in general? I have posted a few times this year about 'normal', everyday problems with my relationship which have blighted this year. I feel my girlfriend and I are almost on the other side of it, which is wonderful, but now instead of looking forward to Christmas with her, I'm struck with horrendous guilt about the events of this year - of sometimes thinking about other people, about doubting our relationship etc. I want to tell myself that if I was able to live with it for the rest of the year, it shouldn't make any difference around the holidays, but I just can't. My previous posts (on the off chance that you fancy reading a very boring, rambling, attention seeking bunch of words): Stay strong everyone x
  9. Thanks all for your replies, and apologies for the delay in responding. Just to be clear, I wasn't looking to excuse any possible wrongdoings by using OCD. I hope it didn't come across like that? It was more battling to 'beat' certain worries, but then worrying about indulging in them, under the guise of beating them. Or even doing things for the right reasons, but still getting joy from them which made me feel guilty. If that makes sense. It almost certainty doesn't I'm sure..
  10. I'm sorry, this will be long. If you bear with me it's appreciated. No problem if not! I have a long history of BPD and OCD. I have had worries about being unfaithful, guilt, cheating and loving someone else since I was 15. I'm male, 31 and in a loving relationship of 3 years +. In the last few months we have had quite a few issues and almost broke up. Sex has always been a stumbling block for me (partly BPD related: either super intense and dangerous, or almost stagnant or non-existent when in a committed relationship). I love my partner, but I am not blind to our issues and problems and the fact we very nearly parted ways a month or so ago. We handled things in a mature, calm way and we both seem determined to give it more time. We are realistic, but also do not want to throw away what we had. There are numerous underlying issues: my OCD, BPD, the loss of her Father when she was 15, her own mental health. As I have always tried to know EXACTLY how I am feeling at all times and really analyse my thoughts and the REASONS behind them (heya rumination!), I am well aware of the rabbit holes of guilt and how easy it is to fall down them. As such, when in relationships I have always lived in an unhealthy no-female bubble. So, if I find someone attractive, I won't speak to them. I won't be alone with people. I will worry their smell is on me so I shower before touching my partner. I am aware of this and in recent years (and especially since our near breakup over the last few months), I have tried to push past this, to beat the fear and accept that my high moral compass may be slightly twisted and that from time to time, I may **** up. I may slightly flirt. I may occasionally indulge in thinking about someone else, wonder what it would be like to be with them, and accept me weird worries about having feelings for someone else as fleeting crushes which will pass. I have tried to take on board the years of CBT. It's hard. Even typing that is hard. However, I am now worried that I can't tell if I'm being a 'good CBT student', or an ******* using that as an excuse to be a jerk. As as person, I am a little bit of a flirt, but in a harmless way. Never remotely sexual or presumptuous, but more enjoying making people laugh or being seen as self-deprecating. In the past, I suppose that was my style (urgh) and what I used to endear myself to people, either as friends or romantically. I have always disliked myself, so that was my niche - my way of being myself. Last year, someone joined my company who I felt instantly very attracted to. I had never spoken to the person before, they were just objectively very desirable. I of course have had this issue before, but this felt different, from the first instant. I am aware it is almost certainly my OCD picking up with something and running with it (I do not believe in love at first sight). I never engaged with the person in an inappropriate way - never accepted social media requests from them, nor spoke to them socially about things. This person and I may or may not have things in common. She's attractive, probably into a lot of the same interests as me etc. But I didn't really care about that. I would find myself flirting slightly (perhaps flirting is the wrong word - subtly 'showing off') around them, but no more than I have before with others. I never had any interest in trying to form a meaningful relationship with the person at all. Today I had to have a one on one discussion with the person, and I had been worried about it for weeks. I wanted to cancel, I wanted to get other people involved. But I didn't. I went through with it, which I was proud about. The trouble is, I had built this up into such a massive thing, that the moment I sat down with them, I felt this 'presence'. It's only because I had built it up in my head so much, but adrenaline etc was running high. I felt like I was in the presence of something greater, almost forbidden, which is completely stupid. I couldn't help noticing how attractive this person was still and I couldn't stop focusing on it and how I felt about it. That's fine, I understand it, even if I don't like it. However, I noticed this person had self-harm scars like I do. This started an entirely new circle of thoughts (when I was younger and much more unwell, I would only want to date others who suffered - leading to very poisonous and dark relationships from both sides). Suddenly, this wasn't just someone I worked with who I found attractive. They were similar to me. They probably understood things. We spoke about work, completely normally. People were around. We had a joke, like I do with most people (attractive or not). Because of the scars, I felt that I could open up more. I made a few self-deprecating comments, comments about being unhappy in a way to allude to the fact I understand mental health. Urgh. Why? That I suppose is an olive branch and flirting. The intent behind it. But I started thinking "oh, I wonder what it would be like to be with this person". "In another world, perhaps we would be suited". "It's a shame I am with someone so I can't explore that". At first I thought these are normal thoughts that everyone has from time to time. They aren't good - of course, but as long as you don't act on them, that's ok. Relationships are peaks and troughs. They have highs and lows. I'm just in a low. But now I feel wracked with guilt and, more than that, just sad. I would like to think that the last few months of my relationship struggling is part of the reason I thought like this. I have spent 3 years cutting out any contact with females I feel I may be suited to, or could have a crush on, that the last month or so of having a reduced relationship with my partner (her staying at her's a couple of nights a week, us taking a step back etc) just means that I am acting 'human', and not this weird restricted person. I don't really know what I'm expecting to get from this. If anything, I'm just ranting. I WANT to make things work with my partner, but I am also ok with the fact that they may NOT, even though it is heartbreaking and I love her. I do love her. We just both struggle. Being realistic about it is the only way I can get through. I certainly want to keep trying though and although the thought of being single and then getting to know this other person (who probably doesn't even give a **** about me by the way - in the nicest way!!!!) is tempting in a 'grass is greener' sort of way, I have no plans to try and contact them, speak to them any more than I have to etc. My trouble is, I'm naturally open, am a bit of a flirt and enjoy making people laugh. Our paths don't cross too much though, so it's fine. TL;DR: I am worried I need to tell my partner. That this 15 minute chat at my desk means I have been unfaithful. That this is all an excuse for me just being an *******. That Christmas will be ruined. That I can't do anything fun now because it will be tainted in my betrayal. I can't listen to music. Play a video game. Text a friend. Buy Christmas presents. Am I just being human? Have I crossed a line? Am I boring you? Yes. If you have read this far, thank you. If you wish to reply or extend an olive branch (even if it is to call me scum), then thank you. This makes me feel so ****. And I just want to cut myself so badly for the first time in about 3 years (I won't, don't worry). But I just want to punish myself. Being human is hard, being in a relationship is hard. Having a twisted moral compass borders on arrogance and is hard. Much love to all of the strugglers out there. x
  11. Thank you so much for taking your time to reply. That is very helpful and I will take it ok board. Thanks for the support.
  12. Apologies, I hadn’t seen that reply. Many thanks. I was a little confused what they meant? There’s no need for the attitude or assumptions - it was a genuine mistake.
  13. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with getting caught in a ruminating/guilt cycle? I used to be able to have a handle on it, but lately I cannot seem to cope with being around an female who I find attractive. I am second guessing everything I say to them, wondering why I am saying things to them, feeling guilty about making them laugh (even though I tend to try and do that with anyone anyway), constantly feeling as though I have overstepped some imaginary boundary that I have determined in my mind means that I'm a cheater and need to leave my girlfriend, even though the person in question has no idea anything has happened, worrying about moving close to people, feeling guilty and wondering if I have flirted.. An occasion last week where I made a joke and found myself looking at the attractive person to see if they laughed. Perhaps a part of me did want to impress them, in a way with no other intentions and with no intention of acting on anything. Now I feel as though I have cheated and I must confess and that I am the worst person in the world. I think perhaps if I didn't have OCD I would just have these interactions and not think about it...but then I feel that's a cop-out and also IF I do things wrong (such as looking at an attractive person, perhaps hoping they laugh more at a joke than someone who I deem to be less attractive), then I deserve to be pulled up and suffer and feel bad about myself and perhaps it is my karma for being a bad human. Even describing people as "unattractive" and "attractive" makes me feel like a jerk. Why do I naturally gravitate to make small talk with people at work who are more attractive? Is that human nature? It's never conscious. I never think about acting on anything and I adore my girlfriend and loath cheaters. Sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. I am just deeply unhappy.
  14. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and helpful replies. This forum is much appreciated and I will take the above on board.
  15. Recently I have found myself feeling guilty about enjoying the smell of the person I sit next to at work - their perfume. Guilty to the point where I feel like I am cheating and must tell my partner. I am in a long term relationship and I love my partner a lot, but I have always struggled with guilt and have never been able to fully compartmentalise any relationships I have with people, and the moment I feel any connection to someone (be it family member, friend, colleague) I have always felt that suddenly I am in love with them. The person I sit next to at work is cool and someone who I used to work with ages ago and recently rejoined. She’s genuinely just a very nice person. She’s pretty but I don’t long for her or crave her attention or do anything inappropriate. She just happens to smell nice and we get on. We never talk outside of work and our relationship isn’t anything other than professional. I never think about her or the smell until I smell it, if that makes sense. I don’t seek it out. I feel a comfort when I get a waft of it - but I also know that I attribute things and meaning to senses which other people don’t. I also used to get a comfort when I smelt my mum as a child and thought I was in love with her. Am I in denial? Just reading too much into it? Is it just OCD? Life is hard and will just kick you when you think you are getting better.
  16. Again, thank you also. I feel much calmer reading these replies.
  17. Hey there. Ever since last night I have been spiralling in circles about this and I’m hoping someone can help. Apologies if this is rambling - I will try and keep it concise. Backstory: I am 30, male, have OCD and borderline personality disorder. Have always battled feelings of guilt and have often confused feelings of friendship/family with lust and worried about it. Am in long term relationship. I don’t drink. Last night, I was out with some friends. A friend of a friend arrived and was quite drunk. This person is loud, flirty and quite brash. They are also quite objectively attractive but that is (hopefully) besides the point. She knows I struggle with eye contact etc but doesn’t really know why (it all stems from me never being able to look pretty people in the eye as I feel like I’m cheating - which I know is dumb). She also appears to be the sort of drunk person who likes to play games and pick up on people being awkward, which I guess usually wouldn’t matter but for me it just spirals me out of control. Anyway, she kept leaning on me in the middle of the pub intensely looking at me saying “Why are you awkward?” and it made me feel super uncomfortable, as those sorts of scenarios and close contact has always been reserved for someone I was already sexually involved with. I would keep backing away etc but felt I couldn’t say anything because all of our friends were there. I ended up writing long rambling notes to myself about what happened and fell asleep distraught. The notes are: “She was drunk and intense. Made you feel awkward. She picked up on that and made you feel more awkward. Kept looking at you. You wanted to back away. She even commented on how awkward you seemed. Josh commented on how you backed away. Not used to having another female that close to you. If you really HAD done an action wrong, you would know about it. You felt as though you couldn’t pull away when she was leaning on you because it would be rude. Felt very uncomfortable. Moment where you looked at each other and it made you feel weird. Just wanted to get away. Similar to the red button pushing worry. Didn’t linger. It was a split second that felt like hours. Gav said you did nothing wrong. You were upset. Nothing happened. It was in the middle of a pub. Made sure you left shortly. Nothing happened. You didn’t instigate anything. Just thoughts. Nothing wrong. You haven’t done anything. You are a good person who only does good actions. You can’t help your intrusive thoughts that get heightened.” So I guess to conclude: 1 Do I need to tell my girlfriend? I feel like scum. 2 Did I do anything wrong? 3 It all of the above OCD? 4 Should it change anything that if I WAS single, then it may not have made me feel as uncomfortable because I find her attractive? At one point I swear that I felt a reminder/tingle of when I have kissed people before (when single) and that if I wasn’t single then this would be fine. I didn’t obviously do anything and felt awkward and wanted to leave. All of these 1000s of thoughts were happening in 3 seconds. Sorry. And thank you x
  18. Hi all. I’m still really struggling with this today, the urge to confess is taking over. It usually goes after a day or two but it is lingering here. I’m not sure if that’s just because I’m still ill and vulnerable to attacks, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done something very, very wrong - despite never actually having a one on one conversation with this person.
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