Rebekah2016

Hi all I haven't been on in quite a while my little girl is keeping me busy and I barely have a second to sit down. I've been doing fairly well with the thoughts & urges but I just keep getting this thing where I go to act out on a urge but without me even realising I'm doing it! Earlier I was sat watching tv with my little girl and I tickled her but I saw it was quite close to her bits! Now I'm panicking that I actually acted out on a thought but without me knowing! The trouble is once I think I've acted out on it my brain goes into overdrive and tried to make me act out on it again just to make sure I don't really want to do it if that makes sense. I've noticed as well my thoughts get worse if there are certain things on TV and on the news.

I've been trying my very best to ignore them and 9 times out of 10 I've been managing okay but I find sometimes I actually nearly go to do it without even any hesitation because I don't actually realise I am doing it, if that makes sense. Like earlier it was really lovely because my cat was just rolling herself around on me and rubbing her head on my hand and it was all going okay but then she rubbed her neck all up against my hand and i nearly grabbed her but without even realising it was only at the last split second I flipped back into my mind to stop myself. i have been doing my best to ignore them and it's been going okay it's only the last few days it's been hard. I don't know if it's because I'm stressed and run down and I'm looking after my daughter all on my own at the minute whilst my partner is away so it is difficult at times. I'd really like to get better for my daughter so she can have a proper mum around her. I want to up my meds but I'm uncertain if I should. I've been waiting since January for any therapy and they have told me they are coming in April!! They don't seem to be that bothered I don't know if it is best to go private for cbt instead.

I've been doing okay my meds have been helping a little and I'm starting to ignore the thoughts but I have a problem. I was comforting my daughter and she likes her face being stroked to get her to sleep and it was all fine but then I found my hand going to squeeze her cheek! The worst part is I actually didn't even physically realise I was doing it, it was like someone else was if that makes sense. Obviously I know no one else was and it was me but that's the only way I can explain it. I'm really worrried to be around my daughter now as the fact that I didn't realise what I was doing is really frightening! I managed to stop myself from doing it before hand right at the last second but that still doesn't explain what on earth just happened. I sometimes think maybe she would be better off living with my parents and her dad instead as I'm really failing her as a mother and I'm putting her at risk which I really don't want ive tried to talk to my partner about it just now but he just keeps saying well what do you want me to do. He's not very understanding and supportive at all

I've been recently having a rough time and noticed that's when the thoughts have been getting worse. I've obviously tried to recognise them as just thoughts and that's all. But I've found my self kind of reacting on them but not properly and without me actually realising at times. like earlier I was just stroking my daughters head to get her to sleep and I just thought to myself oh I need to watch out for her soft spot and not to catch it, but then found myself brushing my hand nearer to it but without me actually realising. It was the same when I was holding her, it felt like I was going to drop her but at the split last second I actually realised what I was doing. Is this even normal, should it be like this or do I need to seek more help. When I mentioned in my last post about pushing the bottle into my daughters mouth, like I said I didn't hurt her and I've managed to slightly overcome that fear but now my therapist wants someone to come and watch me feed her. Thing is I wanted some CBT for my other thoughts not just them coming to watch how I feed her as it's not as severe now and I feel like if they come out to watch me my thoughts are going to come flooding back x

Hey, it's okay. I had an awful thought to push the bottle into my baby's mouth whilst she was drinking it and I did it. Not hard or anything, but I just did it because I wanted the thought to dissapear. This is the thing I don't ever want to hurt her, but the urges and thoughts are so awful. I feel like o have to do the urge to remove it from my mind if that makes sense. I now panic when feeding her, although I haven't done it again since I do find it so difficult to fight the urge, it's just awful. I'd really like to just enjoy being a mum but I feel like this has robbed me from being a good parent now.

I have my therapist coming out to my house next week, do I tell her about everything when the OCD started and do I tell her I acted on the urge? I want to be completely honest with them so I can get as much help as possible, but I don't want to end up having my daughter taken away. I'm worried I may have impulse control disorder, as I find it so hard not to act on the urge. I don't know if it is because I of the postnatal depression or if it's something else. All I know is that I want to get better for my daughter, so she has a happy childhood and a mum who is well again xx

Thank you, my partner has come back and has been really helpful. It's not put me under such a strain. I'm feeling a little better but I'm still getting these horrible urges and thoughts. do I tell the new therapist I acted out on a thought or will social services take my baby away if I admit that one? X

I'm feeling a bit more anxious and finding it harder to control the thoughts, I don't know if that is the tablets or if it's because I've been knocked down so far I'm struggling to control it. Also I have read that tea, coke, alcohol etc shouldn't be mixed with fluoxetine is this true as when I was given the tablets the dr didn't really say anything she literally just handed them to me X

Thank you guys, I am slowly coming to terms with it all. I spoke to a lovely friend who's family member ended up in the same situation as me. She's reassured me that I shouldn't worry too. So I am going to try and be calm for the sake of my little daughter and hopefully I can tackle those thoughts head on. I just have another question if that's okay, I am on fluoxetine 20mg and have been taking once a day. Today I've had a bit of an upset stomach and also found myself drifting off randomly in any place. I am just worried as I don't want to fall asleep and feel tired when I am caring for my daughter. Will this disappear soon?

Thank you do much for being so kind I'm trying not to panic as much today. I went to the GP for help about this as I knew there was a problem and wanted to get it sorted. Now I just feel like a criminal, I just can't get over the fact that when I was in the therapy room with her she said she wasn't worried about me, didn't think it was OCD and said I'm sure youre a lovely mum. To then reporting me to social services, I would of preferred her to of been honest at the time and said it too my face. Rather than telling me over the phone and that was only because I rang up. Otherwise I would of only found out by a letter. I do understand why as I did tell her I acted on the thought with the bottle, but that was the whole reason I was going there was because I knew it was getting to the stage where it wasn't controllable and I didn't want it to get to a point where I lost it and hurt her. I just wanted help from them to control and eliminate the intrusive thoughts and my actions. I'm too scared to even take my daughter to the GP now as I am worried they will just think it is me that has hurt her. I'm printing off a copy of the leaflet as I type, I honestly hope they aren't judgey and rudeas I think that will knock me to the floor and make me a lot worse x

I have my mum and dad who have been amazing support. I am just so worried about what they will do, I've read such horror stories. My main worry is that my daughter cries a lot for no reason, she has silent reflux and a cows milk intolerance and I know with the reflux it can cause her a lot of pain even with her medication. She is prone to just randomly crying for no reason and can be sitting lovely and calmly before hysterically screaming for no apparent reason. I keep going back and forth to the GP about it but they have no idea. I am just worried that they will see her crying like she does and thinking that it is my fault and taking her away. I think it has just made me really upset as on monday the therapist never mentioned about social services and when I said about my urges she said to me oh I am not worried about you, youll be fine. But as soon as I rang up today and told her colleague that she said it wasnt ocd, that is when she rang up and said oh I think it is now and told me about social services coming. I feel as if she has just reported me to social services out of spite because I asked a perfectly valid question. It's seriously knocked me to the point where I just want to get up and leave :/

I've just spoke to my therapist and she's now got social services involved. I feel so sick, I'm worried they are now going to take her off of me. It wouldn't surprise me if they did because I am such an awful person and now with these thoughts and nearly acting on shaking her I feel so **** now

I am still waiting for a call back that was half 9 this morning I called! I'm so stressed out about this it's making my urges worse, I've got this awful one to shake my baby it's making me feel really sick. I am so worried I'm going to act out on it as I just can't control them anymore. I've found myself nearly shaking her and just rocking her back and forth but quite pacy if that makes sense. I honestly don't understand my urges at the moment I used to be able to control them so well, now I'm just letting them take over

It's crazy how they have just disappeared. I called them 2 hours ago and she said they would ring back as soon as possible. I've still not heard anything back from them. I always feel like I'm chasing up on medical things xx

I wrote a post about going to the therapist and them losing all of my paper work from 2013 when I went there for my therapy and when they diagnosed me with OCD there. The therapist I saw said she didn't think it was OCD and that until she finds the paperwork doesn't want to say it is, even though it's the same people from her team who diagnosed me before!! I'm so panicked I was sure that it was OCD but now I don't know what to think. am I allowed to ring up the ward tomorrow and ask to talk to somebody or can I only speak to them when I have an appointment. Going to her has actually made me worst, I don't know if it's worth going private like I have had to with my daughter as I find the NHS where I live are just a disgrace. Xx