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paco5959

Bulletin Board User
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Everything posted by paco5959

  1. I was talking with a doctor about constant battles of OCD (diagnosed 12 yrs old) which may also have ADD ties, mainly relationship OCD and constant guilt, ruminating, needs to confess. When other SSRIs have failed in the past, the current doctor I see suggested a stimulant medication like Vyvase to channel those hyper thoughts into other productive things. There is very little information on the internet supporting this. A lot of the material says it will just exasperate your OCD. I have been on adderall in the past for ADD and during that whole time of taking it, never suffered from OCD symptoms. Being off of those meds for a year.. the OCD has come back, full throttle. I'm wondering if this will be helpful, but I'm also wondering since the OCD is present, will this medication exasperate my current symptoms. My my question is, has anyone had success on prescribed stimulant meds to combat their OCD? If so, please share.
  2. I try and try to push this past event that happened in my life out of my brain. This event(s) all my trusted family and friends have told me is not a big deal and don't confess.. I distract, i fight it, I try not to confess. When will it stop? I've had OCD since I was little but this particular guilt over a real past event and the urge to ruminate and confess to my boyfriend popped into my head in October, and it's march and every morning I wake up and it's there. I finally smile and it pops in and steals my nice time. Even when I successfully distract, i still feel it and see it in my peripheral.. will this ever end? Am I doomed to think of this for the rest of my life and have it steal every loving moment from my relationship? What's the difference if it's bad or not if it feels so terrible. I always think if I just tell him this one thing that happened before we were officially together but still courting, then everything will be okay! It's been three years with my boyfriend and that tiny time frame in the becoming of establishing boyfriend/girlfriend status is haunting me today in regards to who I was also talking to during that time. And what if I did something physical? This is hell!!
  3. I came on here again (as I do about 2x a month when I feel my OCD bubble and teeter on out of control). And I literally am dealing with the exact OCD issue you just mentioned. Reading your post reminded me of how common this is as an OCD theme. I do the exact same thing you just said and it is torture. I understand. The way you say you can feel it morphing into something else is very accurate. You can feel it propelling into another obsession and it is VERY hard to stop it. I think the above comment is wise in saying that the good part is that you have identified this as OCD. I have learned from seasoned people in the blog that literally pushing the thought away and not giving it attention will slowly but surely lessen the amount of times it pops into your head. The thought of not giving the OCD attention will make the anxiety rise, temporarily, but it will then go away. Steady progress, my friend.
  4. I can see that. Like it's such a routine for me during those times that I did it without noting it. But it's obviously that slight doubt, which OCD feeds off of. Especially since I have doubled up once in the past- which totally traumatized me.
  5. I had a new form of OCD this weekend. The fear of TSS (toxic shock syndrome). I used a tampon towards the end of my cycle and I went to groggily remove it a few mornings ago and it wasn't there. This could have easily been attributed to me being half asleep, removing it, and going back to bed, waking up and thinking it was still there. Especially since it was the end of my cycle and not very necessary, since nothing was really there. This caused me to check, and check, and check again. So much so that I feel sore deep inside myself today. Which has transformed into my mind thinking it's pain from a tampon. It is so irritating that I can't remember the exact moment I removed this tampon. I always thought I had the type of OCD that was regret, ruminating and guilt. So I was surprised to find myself going "this feels like OCD" after I had already done so many compulsions. I would not allow myself to go to the ER, as I know this was like be a compulsion also. What if it's there and I can't feel it? I would be so embarassed to have TSS. In fact this post is pretty embarrassing in itself. I suppose it's OCD creeping in to ruin my weekend. Any wise words?
  6. Since I was little (I was diagnosed with OCD very young) and the present, I always cringed, loathed and physically couldn't handle certain noises. If I hear the sound of a heart beat, I have to leave the room. The sound of chewing, or loud abrupt noises like sneezing or coughing spark an instant anger/tantrum. The sound of tv or movie in another room- I focus on the rise and fall of the words and syllables until I have a minor freak out. I recently have been reading that this is common with people who have OCD, which would make sense as to why these random noises make me want to jump out of my skin. Has anyone heard of it or had experience with this?
  7. When I was struggling with the need to confess sexual thoughts to my boyfriend, my good friend who has helped me with my OCD made an analogy that helped me.. she said, when you go to the bathroom, it's assumed what you're doing in there. You don't need to come out, and announce the things you did to complete the act.. it's just kind of assumed.. it's your personal thought. It's assumed that people have normal sexual curiosity about other people. You don't need to say anything. You're okay. It's the OCD.
  8. It will stop. Even though it feels like it won't, it will stop. Focus on distractions and breath.
  9. My OCD always amazes me in that- I felt 100% obsessed and in the throes of an obsession/guilty/ruminating yesterday. Like it was the biggest deal and so important to focus my every emotion into. And today, it's cycled through and changed to one of my top three obsessions, just like yesterday's chaotic obsession never existed. And every time, I act/feel like it's never happened before. One would think that recognizing that these obsessions switch so intensely and quickly, would make me realize this is OCD. It surprises me every time. I know this will take so much practice. I will continue to fight what feels like a never ending battle. I'm having some past event guilt and intense false memories as I fight against ruminating. Ive read articles that compare false memory to wax fruit or counterfeit bills. They look exactly the same, but the aren't real.
  10. I had a very intense, vivid dream about sex and cheating where everything felt real and I I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt and need to confess in the dream. You know those dreams where you wake up so relieved it was just a dream? To clarify, I do not feel the urge to confess this dream. It was in he dream that I cheated and felt the need to confess. I literally said out loud "oh thank god" because the dream felt so real. This is interesting because my OCD lately has manifested into guilt over past events. I've been having a few good days, practing total distractions and not allowing my mind to get into it with my OCD. After this dream though, it did immediately trigger that guilt/confess over past events thay I have been told endlessly that those events are minor, irrelevant and OCD. I know that this dream is to blame for a minor set back today. Does anyone else notice a difference in their OCD after having certain dreams? Curious around the correlation.
  11. Hi Harry, Yes to answer your question. I have had extreme OCD flare ups around nights consisting of drinking and being out socially with my partner. Which caused endless ruminating and questioning myself non-stop that would eventually lead into false memory, then ruminating about the false memory and so-forth. From my experience and listening to professionals and seasoned OCD folk, if you can't remember and are trying to remember, it didn't happen. You have a condition (like most of us here) that makes you doubt. From what I have read and have been attempting to put into practice slowly is, you have to let go.. you have to not think about it and know you are okay, and this is the illness talking and making you doubt yourself. When the thought comes to mind, push it away with distractions. And know you are not alone. Hope this helps.
  12. I just read that post and my stomach dropped because a huge trigger for me is the feeling of keeping a secret from my significant other. Ugh, I just wish I didn't read that. You're right that that was one person's opinion, but what if their opinion is the right one? I want someone to just tell me that their opinion was not correct in the context of OCD, guilt/confessing.
  13. I was reading through some of the topics on guilt and the need to confess, and came across someone's response to a post that explained that confessing is not necessarily a compulsion and "keeping secrets" is something they don't like in their relationship so they tell their partner those guilty thoughts/past events.. Therefore they have a great relationship that is secret free. This made my stomach turn, as the word "secret" is a HUGE trigger for my OCD and the last thing I want is a secret in my relationship. I was doing fine until I read that and it again, unraveled me. Thoughts?
  14. I am seeing a very good friend this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. One of the hardest parts of dealing with my OCD is resisting the urge to reassurance seek/confess. I love my good friend, she knows how hard I struggle, and I got that ping in my stomach today of, "I need to tell her this weekend what I'm obsessing about and see what she says to feel better, exc". So instead of this anxious buildup, I texted her saying "I am having a really hard time with my OCD right now with needing to confess/reassurance seek. I am not allowing myself to talk about my OCD this weekend when I see you. I just want to get it out there now, so I won't sneak it in and discuss it and let it ruin our time this weekend". My friend totally understood and said she would assist in distracting, exc. Has anyone else done this? If so, has it worked and did you find it helpful?
  15. Hi All, My short time being on this blog has brought me relief in times of total despair. Does anyone know if there is a way to save little blurbs and the wise words that people post? It would be great to have it all in one area to revisit when feeling urges to confess/bad OCD day. Thanks for any guidance
  16. I sympathize greatly, as I have the same issue with guilt and the urge to confess in my relationship. In the moment, it feels like a brand new thing that needs your attention, ASAP. It is NOT. It is just the OCD trying to make you think this is different then the other times.
  17. I gave into my OCD and recently went on a binge on reassurance seeking through different people. I know (or my deep down rational self knows) that was a mistake and a compulsion. In my frantic attempts of reassurance seeking- it of course got worse when hearing multiple people's opinions. One in particular that said "well if you did do that it was cheating, but you didn't so don't worry". They didn't know that one of my biggest OCD issues right now is over guilty past events and the false memory. So me not remembering that day has caused me to feel the most guilty feeling lol over. It's so bad it's ruined my trip and I'm sweating constantly. Anyone experience this? What did you do to come back from the rabbit hole?
  18. I don't know how I would respond.. since I suffer so badly my mind could take hundreds of turns down strange alleys after someone tells me anything. My partner would never confess to me what I would to him. He doesn't have OCD and would either not think twice about it, or not confess to me because he wouldn't want to hurt me.
  19. I don't know.. I guess maybe wonder why he was telling me this and then my mind would wander into darker places.
  20. I need some wise words. I seem to be stuck on this one.. My OCD is at a high point right now and please, please I need insight on this one. my question is.. ive been in a relationship 2.5years and around those beginning relationship stages I'm reverting back and having my typical extreme guilt, ruminating to the point of head ache- trying to remember if I was physical with others, exc. my therapist and trusted friends said these situations were minor and do not need to be confessed, but in my brain, I feel like since my partner would be upset to hear these things years later, that it IS bad enough to need to be confessed to have a valid relationship. Why is this? Please?
  21. I must say that distractions (some days more then others) and choosing to ignore and not give into the thought has helped them start to fade away. Point blank ignoring the thought and refusing to scratch the itch, as hard as this is, has helped lessen the thoughts.
  22. It's so sad to me, that my own mind is trying to take away my own deserved happiness.
  23. This is so true. Distracting with positive things has slowly made the OCD less and less in my every day. Some days I have to distract more then others.
  24. The last few months, my OCD has been a violently-jerking roller coaster ride. Right as it seems to go away and I forget about the juggled obsessions over past events (guilt OCD), it comes right back. Especially when I am feeling happy and in an "everything is going my way, finally!" mood. The last couple of months it popped up out of the blue and went full throttle of endless ruminating over multiple, rotating past events I hadn't thought about before, the unbearable urge to confess and seek reassurance, and finally back to mind silence and peace again... But just the other day as I'm driving with a smile on my face, that gut wrenching "oh my god" guilt feeling punches my stomach. This time, the OCD flavor seems to appear in my relationship and the feeling and relentless need to confess past events. My OCD tries to convince me that if I don't confess, the relationship is not relevant. Regardless of trustworthy friends and therapists telling me it's not a big deal and to forget. Do not confess. But the OCD makes me think, "But if only I can just say this ONE thing, it'll stop." I have learned recently it is never one thing, and only takes on another obsession immediately after. My OCD is like a smarter, evil twin. It knows just where to insert itself in my life, depending on what feels most special, valuable, and important at that particular time. When the relief of the obsession/anxiety go away due to me not giving it any thought (as the seasoned OCD blog people and therapist say), I literally tell myself "Hold onto this feeling of relief and rationality. It is the OCD, you know it is the OCD from everything you've learned and know". But when I'm in the heat of the OCD, I feel like I loose all of this knowledge and it's like starting fresh again. I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe it's just nice to have other people who struggle with this, be by my side. OCD is so hard to explain to people who don't suffer.
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