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paco5959

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Everything posted by paco5959

  1. I have had OCD since I was diagnosed at 13. It has jumped from thing to thing throughout my life. Hoarding paper towels at school as a child because my mom touched my hand and I missed my mother, so I hoarded them after I washed my hands in my desk because if I threw them away, I threw my mom away. Also checking appliances, intrusive thoughts about someone hurting me in specific ways that are traumatic to me that are not realistic. And within the last 5 years, relationship guilt in my very healthy and amazing relationship. I seem to have exhausted my relationship guilt ruminating/false memory/guilt/ruminating/confessing, at least for right now. It has seemed to morph into my every day conversations at work, with anyone and everyone. I can't seem to go a day now without saying something as simple as, "what's up?" and ruminating for the rest of the day wondering how I said it, was I rude, was I dismissive? how did it sound when I said it, did I offend somebody? I am starting to fear even opening my mouth because I know at some point, there will be an interaction that I am going to obsess about for the rest of the day. It is to the point where a simple conversation blows up so big in my head that I ruminate so much that it becomes a bigger deal and steam rolls into possible false memory where the reality of the conversation morphs in my head where I am picturing myself being rude, therefore, it becomes reality. I can see a bit through the OCD fog, because I can feel in my stomach that this is the same sick/panic/chaotic feeling I get where I have the immense urge to "I must ruminate until I figure it out"!!. And then also report it to a trusted friend/relative to work it out. But of course there is no figuring out. And it is beyond exhausting. Has anyone had experiences of their OCD jumping throughout their lives or advice when this happens? I'm guessing just treat it like my guilt/relationship OCD and dismiss. But when it jumps to a new thing, it always surprises me and it is like I'm starting all over again.
  2. paco5959

    How to not respond to the thoughts

    This was very helpful. I really recognized myself in this, especially that guttural feeling of panic and the need to figure it out right away when that feeling/thought hits. How do you stop it though when the thought that pops in is accompanied by a possible false memory due to ruminating over the thought so much? I'm guessing just the same thing? Let the false memory sit also? Its so hard
  3. Diagnosed very early in life with OCD, it has manifested/evolved over the years to whatever my lifestyle is, and now I suffer mostly now from relationship OCD guilt (and constantly checking ovens), but... A trend that I have noticed manifesting within the last few years is the exhausting fear that a conversation I just had was horrible, because of me... Not just a random conversation. Every conversation. This starts with the very first interaction of the day (getting coffee, what I said to the barista, if I made eye contact too long, not enough, could she tell I was upset about something internally, but thinks its her? Did this ruin her day?). I had dental work where smiling is not flattering right now, so I fear just grinning with my lips is strange... I attempt to relive the entire conversation, from start to finish while its fresh in my mind, and this includes me catching myself mouthing the words in the mirror and mocking how I think my face looked to see if the person would be offended. This carries on through my commute and into my work day with my phone interactions with clients (I work with the elderly, so it can be frustrating) and with coworkers. It gets even more disorienting and panicky if there are a few conversations going on with different people, and I am internally upset with something going on (either personally or within the conversation). I worry did my face change and someone now thinks I hate them? Did I snap and don't remember? When I ask people "was I rude?" it is 99.8% confirmed that I was not rude, accompanied with a strange look and the person saying "ummm, no? why do you think you were rude?". In fact, people tell me I am overly nice. It's like I'm picturing myself screaming but in reality I'm kindly whispering. As an empathy and trying to channel this, I feel like I take on everything and am living in a constant state of reliving every conversation I had to ensure I didn't offend anyone. My mom always tells me, "it's okay to be rude sometimes or cranky! You are human!". Does anyone else struggle with this? Is this more of an empathetic quality or an OCD issue? I am guessing that the post conversation re-living and asking the person "was I rude?" is a form of ruminating and I must stop this. I know this because when I try to stop the ruminating when I start to relive the convo, I feel that panic in my gut that I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT and THINK THINK THINK! And I am recognizing this more and more as the OCD feeling I get when I must stop before I go down the rabbit hole.
  4. I don't have confidence in the Doctor that prescribed a medication for me 2 years ago. It was my new Primary Care Doctor who is very young and flighty.(she prescribed something similar to Adderall for my OCD approx. 2 years ago, stating that OCD and ADD can be intertwined?), and from what I'm hearing, stimulants are horrible for OCD. The doctor told me to "just take this when I need it", which seems insane anyway for OCD diagnoses, so therefore, I'm not worried about tapering off since it is an instant release of meds, you don't have to build up to feel an effect. I was diagnosed with OCD at 12 (31 now), and for that ENTIRE time, I have been misdiagnosed with other things and put on the wrong medications. I am DONE. I can't imagine how horrific all those chemicals were during development. I want to do this on my own. I don't want chemicals in my life anymore. I don't even know who the real me is. That being sad, I have not taken the med (stimulant) in 3 days, and the OCD is full throttle. I feel overall calmer, not going a million miles a minute. I think much of this is psychosomatic (me being anxious because I know I am stopping a med that was supposed to help me) therefore, my OCD is really high right now. And going in obsessive directions it usually doesn't and making the urge to confess things to my boyfriend from my past for "clarification". I know none of this matters. I know what this is. I know OCD lies. But it feels so real, I can almost see it as much as I feel it. I cannot... Keep bringing up my past, guilty feelings, thoughts of what I've done and what I haven't, into my beautiful relationship of 5 years. All things related to the 5 years we have been together. (example: new ping/sick guilt around confessing I was taking some downer meds in the first 2.5 years, when I said I wouldn't anymore.. Boyfriend knows I struggled with them in the past. I said goodbye to that stuff about 2.5 years ago, so the 2nd half of our relationship has been amazing growth. But obsessing about taking something AFTER I promised I wouldn't). I know I am a different person now, we are different, and that's not me anymore. Why does this OCD keep shifting in my relationship to different things to feel guilty about? Has anyone had a similar experience with stopping a medication that may have been wrong for them, getting through the storm that comes after stopping a chemical you've been ingesting, and saw the light? I left a VM for an OCD specialist, but doing that alone made me feel horribly depressed.
  5. paco5959

    An update.

    That's awesome! Good for you working through this.
  6. This morning I'm driving to work with a gut reaction to a thought tucked away. This though then manifested into.. if I don't remember then (before a relationship), what don't I remember now? (in a relationship) In relation to my OCD and relationship guilt. Related to specific events in my head. I am distracting, distracting, distracting and totally free from OCD for some time. Then, when life is anxious for me, BAM! and I am confessing and feel the guilt as if I committed horrible cheating crime the night before. What is the difference between distractions and avoidance? I thought I'm supposed to distract when a thought comes on. But then I hear avoidance is bad also.
  7. I did it again. I brought up an incident tonight on a beautiful night after a beautiful vacation.. nothing recent, but an incident 5 years ago when my partner and i first started dating.. a few months into seeing each other, 5 years ago, I went to a party, and stayed in another dudes bed. Nothing happened, aside from an awkward cuddle and me realizing I didn’t want to be there... and that it felt wrong. I slept oddly and felt guilt and that “i shouldn’t be here” feeling. I even semi remember saying to him “I started to see someone recently”. My divorce was also not even finalized.... I was very lost, dangerous and very feral. In times of high anxiety, i remember this (along with a few choice others around relationship guilt) and I try to remember more.. I rack my brain for years, trying to remember if there was some kiss, some touch that I don’t recall. I know I remember that night. I know i have gone through this and say to myself, “you can’t keep doing this... you have rattled your brain endlessly for answers that never come”. But I slipped tonight. And this event was a faint cloud in my head recently. There but also not there and feeling not realivent for once. I just got back from seeing my mom and her boyfriend (high anxiety). And now we are both hurt and sad. I ruined a perfect evening after I sighlently argued with my OCD this vacation with a smile on my face, while my amazing loyal and pillar of a boyfriend played the boyfriend of the year. With the love of my life... And I feel angry that he’s angry.. My sadness feels like a death. Because after all, this was a pivotal point where I realized where I was supposed to be. With him. And I didn’t do anything but be in an awkward, silent half cuddle during that absolute chaotic time. But was there more that I muted out? There can’t be... when i feel the urge to confess it tingles my body with heat and sweat and the literal fight or flight. It feels like I had an actual affair yesterday. That’s how real this feels. I am so... tired.. of fighting this ocd. I do all the things read all the books... Am I not trying hard enough? I am constantly trying to kick this or tame it. The self awareness is there...
  8. I feel like since it causes such anxiety and my partner and I to get upset, then what I did was justifiably wrong and that I need to figure it out. I’ve never been so aware that what I’m thinking is ridiculous and so miniscule and also be equally as distressed/in total shambles. I feel like this experience completely rocked me and proves I need to most likely seek out some guidance from a professional. I’ve been putting it off for a long.... long time. i was 100% sure i wouldn’t ever speak a word of this again, and in an extreme stress situation this week, I literally just unraveled all that work I thought I did in 1 minute.
  9. Vacation Ruined/Need some support I waited all year for my vacation to NC with my family... 2 years into dating my current boyfriend of now 4 years, approx. 3 guilt/obsessions popped into my head. All related to a feeling/convinced I cheated. One obsession/guilt is left (i confessed to my partner the other two, one was no big deal (i touched someone’s leg while in a heartfelt conversation and thinking back on it contorted it into a grope) and, the other was one of those “why did you tell me that” situations. Diagnosed with OCD in middle school, I’m 31 this week.. and my OCD has morphed throughout the years, and now it has nestled itself into my very healthy relationship (a first for me). I obsess now about the end of my previous marriage and the beginning of my now relationship and if my actions were “cheating” in this grey area of transition. Maybe 1 month into casually dating/seeing my now serious BF of 4 years, i was separated from my then husband and had just divorced around the same time I started seeing this new guy (not planned, obviously) and my cat unexpectedly died and i was hysterical. I called my ex husband to come and remove some cat things as I barely knew this new guy and I was just in a completely different head space. I remember him coming in, me falling to the floor in tears, him putting me on the bed so I wasn’t on the floor, I remember being grossed out he was even there as he patted my back, and i asked him to take the items... now in my brain, pops that “omg did I have sex with him!?”. I would think i would remember this, considering I remember the beginning of the encounter. I know they say false memory is a big thing with OCD, relationship guilt.. but i get afraid to try and remember that day exactly because when I do thank I start imagining sex and it seems possibly real. I feel like a normal person wouldn’t think twice about this, right? This obsession was GONE, I was sure i conquered it.. it was no big deal anymore! but then right as I got on the plane to my vacation, it popped back in and I had that guttural sick reaction that I cheated. It’s the same guilt as if I had slept with a man yesterday 4 years in! Not an ex helping me in a situation where I barely new my new guy. Why can’t I rationalize this? I practice distractions all the time! This popping up again is so bad for me because it makes me feel like I need to tell him to make it go away. Please, If someone can provide me with some words of encouragement or something.. i don’t want to strain this relationship I have that is so sacred with nonsense! But it feels so important and not nonsense.. I’m about to get on my plane to go back to my BF and we’re going to a cabin for my birthday. I’ve had it so hard and this should be the highlight of my year, I don’t want to be looking at him at dinner thinking something that he probably wouldn’t even care about.
  10. Thank you for your kind words!
  11. I know the seasoned OCD folks say ignore the thought or be okay with not knowing.. but it’s the “not knowing” that is night and day between confessing or not. Even though I what I did doesn’t require a confession?.. ugh!...
  12. I have been struggling with the same guilty memory, obsessive ruminating and the urge to confess- since this time last year. I was diagnosed eith OCD as a child and it has morphed throughout my life (I’m now 30). It popped into my head, and has taken up space, moved in, and is now a constant in my head. It will go away for a few weeks by ignoring, constant distraction, ERT (just from what I’ve read online although it scares me and don’t want to go too far without a therapist guidance). All of my recent OCD revolves around relationship OCD, guilt and the need to confess anything that feels like cheating a dirty secrets. This time last year it manifested after a memory I had.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years, and I was previously married, and legally separated when my current boyfriend and I started up. My boyfriend knows all of this and was there by my side even when I went to court. It is the grey area within the first couple months of meeting, liking, dating, exc. that I obsess most about. Almost 4 years ago in September after a few months of courting (we knew of each other previously, but started going on dates in July) I asked my current boyfriend in September if we were exclusive and he said no. He said no (side note: I asked him in a hospital when one of us had a horrible flu, so understandable). Shortly there after we were exclusive. Here’s where the OCD comes in... I thought there was a chance me and the ex could be friends and of course were still in contact from recent court, exc. In that same September, I went to a Freedom Rally with some people and my ex was in the group, and my in that same September, my cat died and I was a wreck and my ex came over and cleared out the cat belongings... it doesn’t seem like a big deal maybe but because my fear is cheating and I can’t remember, the false memories start and I imagine me kissing, cheating, everting with my ex and then I feel sick because I can’t remember if it’s a real memory or a mis-placed memory of my ex from the past that my OCD is trying to twist in my brain to feel like I’ve done something horribly wrong. I already confessed something that was in the very beginning of my current relationship that my OCD grabbed onto that everyone told me not to. I slept over at a party and shared a bed with someone but NOTHING happens. I even told the guy I was starting to see someone and really liked him, so we just slept. Trusted friends, my old therapist. Once I caved to the ocd and I told my current boyfriend about it, he was so upset, and literally said “I wish you listened to them and didn’t tell me anything- why would you tell me that?” It sparked up again HARD in my brain last night while out with my boyfriend and his friend. He was explaining to me that his good friend and girlfriend are going though a very hard time, she cheated on him early in the beginning of their 5 year long relationship. This... immediately switched on my OCD button and it went completely insane into hard drive... I am unable to separate other situations from my own, and it leaves me totally panicked and convinced I cheated also, and must confess. I know even writing on this blog is a form of reassurance seeking so I try to not do it unless I feel very lost. It always amazes me how horrible these OCD flare ups are. My old therapist used to say, “when your compass is off, it’s okay to use the ones of those who’s aren’t broken right now”.. Does anyone have some words of wisdom?
  13. PolarBear, so it is my OCD that makes me fixate on the unfaithful part that makes me want to confess “I’m having trouble figuring out if I cheated or not?” When I read this?. Even typing that makes me feel completely panic and sick. That’s the OCD too? I feel like even if I think or say that then it is true! I have been working relentlessly so hard to stop this and it has worked but I’m cycling again.
  14. I started a medication approx. a month ago and it has appeared to help tremendously. I went from full throttle guilt over past event OCD, ruminating if I ever have cheated on my spouse, and appliance checking- to almost nothing. I know that medication is not magic, and flare ups will continue to pop up.. But the month of "forgetting it all" was such a nice mental vacation. Something as small as a comment about cheating on a reality TV show had me right back to what felt like the beginning. I felt it happening too.. I felt that ping in my stomach and that "oh god.. oh no.. stop before it's too late" feeling. Maybe 2 months into dating my boyfriend of now 3 years, I was in a really bad place.. I mean a totally different woman. I stayed over a guys house I knew from my gym with a bunch of other people after a night out, and slept in his bed. I drank that night but I was not drunk. Nothing happened, and every second I was there I knew it was an awful mistake. I laid there, fully clothed and remember it being awkward and remember even saying to him that I just started to see someone and he understood. I know the night was just awkwardly laying there and falling asleep. And he took me home the next morning. about 6 months ago I remembered this randomly during an OCD flare up. I told my boyfriend (not knowing it was OCD at that time) and he not only said to me "why would you tell me this?", he was horrified since he was aware of that night in the very beginning and was under the impression that I had slept on a couch. He asked me if anything happened aside from that, and I was 100% full heartedly telling him no! nothing did! That was the only thing I felt bad about, was staying in another persons bed, nothing else! He was sad, got over it almost immediately, and forgave me saying it was the beginning stages and implying he might not have been very innocent either during that messed up time (which might have been him just saying that), and that was it... Immediately after this, the uncertainty started.. "wait, did we kiss?.. We couldn't have kissed, I would have felt terrible about that and wouldn't have forgotten.. You even told him you were seeing someone once you realized you made a mistake being there... You remember thinking, if you kiss him, you can't turn back, so you didn't. You didn't do anything wrong, that's why you didn't think to say anything at the time when it happened.. You felt it was wrong, learned your lesson and it never happened again"... Of course this led to me analyzing for days, weeks, and finding nothing but inserting false memories' of a kiss. Therefore nose diving into ruminating more to see if that false memory holds true. I'm doing my distractions, trying to push it out, and not discuss this AGAIN with family and friends. But that feeling.. That awful guilty feeling and waiting for it to pass... I'm trying to retrain my stomach to not instantly get nauseous or flip with a thought..
  15. paco5959

    Triggered and Guilty

    Thank you Californiadreaming.. It's so hard, especially when my boyfriend is such a rock for me. Its wild how it can feel like a ridiculous, "who cares" kind of thought for weeks.. And then in one minute it can turn into the worst feeling. And from your posts, I can imagine you know the exact guttural feeling. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
  16. I'm embarrassed to even post this.. but while having loving sex with my boyfriend, I sometimes think of porn I've seen (sometimes lesbian) or fantasies. Not to take away from the moment but sometimes it just get me there... I never thought twice about this (we've been together for almost 3 years) and I would never want to share these little thoughts with my boyfriend. But the guilt flooded in last night, pretty much immediately and I feel that "ping" of sickness in my stomach that often comes with a new trend or morphing OCD. My good friend who understands my OCD put in a way that helped. She said, "if you go to the bathroom do you tell your boyfriend what you did? No... it's assumed. You don't need to share everything..These are your thoughts." I see a lot of posts on here about people having intrusive, unwanted thoughts during sex. Not much on wanted thoughts and guilt around them. Any words of wisdom? A lot of my OCD is around things that happened in the past and needing to put it away and move on.. but what if it's something like sex that I clearly plan on doing in the future? How can I help my mind so this form of OCD doesn't creep into my sex life? I can hear my OCD almost trying to make me think that maybe If I have to think of those things it's not working. But he's everything to me, in every area. Is this normal human behavior and my OCD is trying to make it bigger then it is?? I really can't tell.
  17. Thank you OceanDweller. It's good to laugh at it sometimes that made me feel better.
  18. I suffer from the same kind of OCD. It's hell, I know... but it is just your OCD.
  19. paco5959

    stopping therapy

    Yes it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone without having to explain exactly what OCD is and the different forms it can take. If it works, keep going! If it has to end for now, that's fine too. It can always be revisited in the future.
  20. I was talking with a doctor about constant battles of OCD (diagnosed 12 yrs old) which may also have ADD ties, mainly relationship OCD and constant guilt, ruminating, needs to confess. When other SSRIs have failed in the past, the current doctor I see suggested a stimulant medication like Vyvase to channel those hyper thoughts into other productive things. There is very little information on the internet supporting this. A lot of the material says it will just exasperate your OCD. I have been on adderall in the past for ADD and during that whole time of taking it, never suffered from OCD symptoms. Being off of those meds for a year.. the OCD has come back, full throttle. I'm wondering if this will be helpful, but I'm also wondering since the OCD is present, will this medication exasperate my current symptoms. My my question is, has anyone had success on prescribed stimulant meds to combat their OCD? If so, please share.
  21. paco5959

    stopping therapy

    I think it's very normal to feel any sort of anxiety/fear with any pending change. Especially stopping something that has been so helpful in easing the OCD. And naturally with the rise of anxiety, there comes the OCD thoughts. Can you continue on with the therapy? If not, remember the tools you've learned and congrats for coming so far! Remember if in the future you ever need it again, it's there for for you.
  22. I try and try to push this past event that happened in my life out of my brain. This event(s) all my trusted family and friends have told me is not a big deal and don't confess.. I distract, i fight it, I try not to confess. When will it stop? I've had OCD since I was little but this particular guilt over a real past event and the urge to ruminate and confess to my boyfriend popped into my head in October, and it's march and every morning I wake up and it's there. I finally smile and it pops in and steals my nice time. Even when I successfully distract, i still feel it and see it in my peripheral.. will this ever end? Am I doomed to think of this for the rest of my life and have it steal every loving moment from my relationship? What's the difference if it's bad or not if it feels so terrible. I always think if I just tell him this one thing that happened before we were officially together but still courting, then everything will be okay! It's been three years with my boyfriend and that tiny time frame in the becoming of establishing boyfriend/girlfriend status is haunting me today in regards to who I was also talking to during that time. And what if I did something physical? This is hell!!
  23. I came on here again (as I do about 2x a month when I feel my OCD bubble and teeter on out of control). And I literally am dealing with the exact OCD issue you just mentioned. Reading your post reminded me of how common this is as an OCD theme. I do the exact same thing you just said and it is torture. I understand. The way you say you can feel it morphing into something else is very accurate. You can feel it propelling into another obsession and it is VERY hard to stop it. I think the above comment is wise in saying that the good part is that you have identified this as OCD. I have learned from seasoned people in the blog that literally pushing the thought away and not giving it attention will slowly but surely lessen the amount of times it pops into your head. The thought of not giving the OCD attention will make the anxiety rise, temporarily, but it will then go away. Steady progress, my friend.
  24. I can see that. Like it's such a routine for me during those times that I did it without noting it. But it's obviously that slight doubt, which OCD feeds off of. Especially since I have doubled up once in the past- which totally traumatized me.
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