Chelsie

Going on a holiday with my parents, sister and her family etc on Friday.  Really need to get away and to be with people as a distraction from OCD so looking forward to it (although holidays do often set my OCD off, so slightly anxious). 

However, finding getting ready to go an enormous challenge. Especially laundry, which really gives me contamination OCD problems. Taking it one step at a time today - alternating doing a job with sitting down and doing some relaxation exercises. Second lot of washing of the day is currently spinning out. Problem is, i need to get a wriggle on or I'll never be ready in time!  

Doing my best.  Gone out this evening, so that's worked well.  Just need to keep it up when I get home. 

So, had a disastrous morning clearing up after mice brought in and killed by cat, leaving blood and droppings all over kitchen. My sister helped me clear up and then tried to forget about it. 

Then, a couple of hours ago, I had a sudden thought that the cat often sleeps in my bedroom, so wondered if he might have done some of his mouse murdering up there. Sure enough - there were more droppings and blood smears in the floor under my dressing table. So, I had to get the cleaning materials out again. Got myself in such a panic that I had to have a shower after as soaked through with sweat  (tmi - sorry). Just sat down again and back to how I was feeling this morning.  can't say I wish I hadn't checked as, obviously, the other mess needed clearing up.  Just wish I could have dealt with it calmly, in the way a non-OCD person (like my sister) would have done. 

I've paid for both sets of cbt I've had.  Gp said that waiting list was too long to bother on the NHS. I think I paid £90-100 per session so it's not something I've been able to afford much of. 

Thanks, Lynz - it was disgusting! Not doing too well with being convinced that it's all clean again, although I haven't given in and done any more cleaning. Going to go out soon and think that will help! 

Thanks for the support.  Not sure I coped that well - didn't have enough cleaning products to cope so phonedmy sister, who brought some for me and helped me clean up, so didn't manage on my own

I'm having a bad time with contamination OCD at the moment.  However, have been trying to take baby steps forward. Yesterday I had a nice evening out with friends, came home, had a great night's sleep - feeling quite good. 

This morning was the day to put the bins out to be collected, which I always find makes me quite anxious. Set the alarm early and got up.  Went down to the kitchen and it looked like all hell had broken loose.  The cat had obviously brought in several mice during the night, chased them round the kitchen and then killed them.  I had got the bin bags ready to put out and left them in the kitchen and these were all ripped open and the floor was smeared in mouse blood and covered in mouse droppings. Even worse, when I moved a bag, a live mouse ran out! 

Have cleared it all up now but it was very anxiety-provoking. Have made a cup of tea and am sitting down waiting for my heart rate to return to normal and the dizziness to subside. Working hard to resist the temptation to go and check that everything is, indeed properly clean. 

Why did this have to happen, especially now?  Sometimes it feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on me! 

Managed a nice night out with friends - home early as started out early in order to take advantage of 241 cocktail happy hours! With the exception of a quick squirt of hand gel between bar and restaurant, avoided compulsions, although I was aware that I was a bit 'hyperaware' and this did take up some of my thinking. Generally a success, though. Thanks for the support today x 

Really helpful again - just sitting here waiting to be picked up to go on a night out. Determined not to choose the wrong fork at any point as I know doing this once will spoil the evening. I'm in my glad rags and really want an evening free from worries.  May cheat a little and have a couple of sneaky drinks to help me on the way! 

Great advice - will reread through the day today as determined to beat yesterday's effort! 

Thanks for challenging me earlier, polar bear and ocean dweller.  Shook me out of being so apathetic.  Chatted to some friends on the phone and planned a night out tomorrow,  put the washing on, made dinner.  Day not quite so wasted now. 

I know - got to do it at some point anyway, or risk running out of things to wear! Less washing - success; avoiding laundry - compulsion.  

Of course you're right - there are plenty of other options.  I meant safe options that would help me to avoid compulsions, as I'm really trying to do this weekend. It's very unusual for me to have a day Ike this, although there have been a few recently. 

Determined to have another better day to day and seriously reduce my compulsions, particularly washing.  My problem is that there are 2 main things I can do: go and spend time with family as a distraction or chill out alone at home but not try to do very much.  Have used the family option a bit too much over the past week, so trying to give them a day off! So, I've had a very lazy day - reading, watching tv etc. Not achieved anything very much, though, so feeling a bit guilty - the laundry pile I'm avoiding as doing laundry sets my washing off is still growing. 

So - some success as compulsions reduced, but a lot of avoidance too.  

Had an up and down day but now locked the front door and snuggling up in front of the tv for the rest of the evening, determined to avoid any compulsions.  Hope you have a good evening planned. 

Yes, you're right. Just had a wake up call - when I panic, I have a tendency to feel faint.  About 18 months ago, this happened when I was getting ready for work one morning and I passed out and broke my ankle. Feeling really panicky today - just took a shower and could feel myself start to faint. Forced myself to come downstairs, sit down and calm down.  Really can't face another 8 weeks in plaster.

Btw - thanks for responding.  Sometimes it helps just to feel there's someone out there who's not judging. 

You're absolutely right, of course. I really need to just out this one behind me and move on. I know I've made that difficult for myself by spending so much time thinking about it and reacting. Just searching for the certainty that this is OCD - which is so elusive and, I guess, ultimately unattainable.  Struggling to live with uncertainty  

Feeling a fraud - was feeling more positive yesterday and giving out advice.  Then last night, my own certainty that what I was feeling was OCD crashed. When putting my shoes on to go home after being st a family member's house, I touched the sole onto my bare foot. Had to continue to put shoe on as normal as I was at someone else's house. If you've read my earlier posts this week, you'll know that I'm anxious about having trodden on someone else's blood whilst out on Tuesday. I tried to do the right thing and didn't wash my foot last night - just went to bed.  Now lying in bed, trying to face getting up and dealing with this as the anxiety has increased overnight, not decreased. Bed clothes now feel all contaminated, as do inside of shoes, floors (even more so than previously) etc. 

Ok - so had a much better afternoon/evening yesterday, after a bad week.  Managed to avoid many compulsions, went out, had fun etc. Slept well and woke without awful anxiety symptoms that I've had recently. 

So, why have I spent the morning worrying about silly things - panicking that things I haven't worried about for months are contaminated and doing far too much hand washing? Forced myself to sit down and watch tv for a while with a cup of tea in order to break the cycle. Cross with myself?

This is one of my worst problems too - how do you know if it's OCD?  The best advice I was given (although I'm not always good a following it) was: if you're wondering if it's OCD, then it's OCD. 

I can only repeat to you what someone much wiser than me replied to one of my posts yesterday, and which made s big difference to me.  Do you truly in your heart believe that this has happened? If you search your heart, you'll find that you know it's not true. 

You're right, polar bear - an action taken in panic to try to avoid a 'contamination' incident once I got home.  

Thanks so much for your reply earlier, Phil.  Definitely a case of someone saying exactly the right thing at the right time.  During the day, I've asked myself whether in my heart I truly believe what OCD is telling me and, surprisingly, several times I've been able to answer no. You made a real difference in a day that started badly - thanks again! 

That's what she mentioned.