Kcbell92

I’m starting to finally I think realize I’m just creating new worries and compulsions and acting on them because I noticed every day a new situation, most silly and irrelevant and untrue enters my mind that either my new friend is going to stop being my friend not see me hangout etc like I’ve said many many times before. And sometimes it’s that u did something wrong to cause it, sometimes it’s thinking they’ll suddenly think certain things either based off what I said or did or just there own sudden mindset change without telling me. With CBT help though I think I can Move past and beyond these worries and intrusive untrue continued almost daily new thoughts and that I can find a way to realize they aren’t true, move on from them, Not fixate on them and live my life and know that my new friend is going to still talk to me and hangout with me when possible, unless they say different

Yes thanks. My other friends did help me realize too that this new friend isn’t like that old friend and they also like this new friend and the way they are and they way they hold themselves and the new friends intensions and what I do to avoid so many ruminating on this is mainly “regardless of any of these reasons and worries for all different issues, if this new friend didn’t want to hangout they would just tell me they didn’t want to”

I realized that was all just one long rumination with no real evidence or understanding to prove that this is Even going to happen at all. And i realized my mind continues to just create possible Scenarios like it wants me to ruminate and worry and obsess and fixate and have aneixty and expect that the worst of the situation is going to happen, when this new friends intensions aren’t to do any of that and just assuming based off this thinking means nothing in reality

My mind tried to make me think maybe this new friend was just testing me as a friend in March and that’s why they came through since they did ask me to change the day they met so they can see other longer time friends while they were here and despite not doing anything the day we met and despite still spending time with me now I think based off that and again the old friend to an extent that come our next planned hangout in April and summer but for now April which the new friend said there excited for too; suddenly won’t happen and its based off that plus other detailed worries in my head from myself rhe day we met up talking future hangouts a lot and apologizing a few times, tho the new friend didn’t seem to care and we obviously have spoken besides that for a few days now and the situation of him feeling like i gaslighted him about my uncles passing anniversary a few days ago but we’ve had great chats since so I can’t think they relate to my new friend only seeing me in March as a test to see if they thought I was a good friend to use me and despite saying there excited to hangout in April they won’t based off what all I just said above

Or else I’m going to keep going down the same rabbit hole which is my compulsions and worries from it, when it’s all just in my head without any real realization or truth to this, especially including regarding the new friend themself

I finally met and had an excellent time with the new friend I was heavily obsessing and ruminating to being like the old new friend. Now my mind is almost like trying to find any angle it can to make me think the new friend will turn out like the old bad friend (god forbid I don’t hear from them a whole day, god forbid they say something I take sensitivily, like my uncles death anniversary they said “makes me feel guilty” thinking its about me only) amongst other come and go conversational worries. then I think worst case, the friend is going to not wanna hangout with me anymore after March and not wanna talk to me (tho the friend Even said he’ll let me know if he didn’t wanna hangout and talk to me for any worries I may have when it happens and my other friends said at this point it is just my mind controlling me and I have to realize that the new friend wouldn’t just stop a friendship over these worries i have, they would tell me they were stopping it if they did) why is this still happening to me? How do I accept the friendship is fine, until the new good friend just tells me the friendship is over? Plus everyone else I know that knows the situation said the new good friend would tell you he’s ending the friendship within the hour the issues happens if there gonna end it, not hours later, not a day later, 2-5 days later, a week later, 3 weeks later, a month later and so on, why can’t I accept this and just be happy in this friendship? I’m fed up with these worries

I’m seeing them tonight. Hopefully I can finally put these worries about this new friend behind me for good. Only another 5 hours or so

We spoke today I said I’m excited on text they said me too! Now we’re just hours away!

Today is the scheduled day of my hangout with the friend, as of now we’re still on. They did go out partying last night with other friends (which they often do on weekends even when away from where I am) so I saw a quick video of them at the party (even tho we spoke right before they went out and they still said there looking forward to tonight with me but seeing other friends last night) so I’m just so worried they’ll decide to tell me suddenly this afternoon or night they can’t hangout tonight. First ir was thinking they’ll hangout with other people anyway (like the old friend did) then it turned to maybe they’ll make nonsense excuses (also what the old friend did) my other friends had me see it wasn’t true. then I worried it was because they would be to hungover or tired from the party despite having a solid at least 18-24 hours to rest after the party. (My friends also had me see they will be healthy fine and see me bc my friends had done that and still saw people earlier then that) I haha to trust this friend until they show me I can’t, and stop still comparing every aspect of what they do even if we have plans and I know what there doing too before I see them (based off the old friend always bailing out and not coming through)

So me and the new friend are still on for tomorrow night into Monday I spoke to him earlier but my mind was trying to make me think “Is my friend still going to make other plans for that time period and bail out last minute?” “Is my friend still going to make a nonsense excuse last minute and bail out” then I realized at this point it’s all my Ocd

I normally work the night so I can rest off what I feel until I do hear from the friend and not worry but now after what I said happened last night, I’m working until 2 pm est and it’s only 9:10 am est. I can get through it and then rest after. I’m sure my friend will get back to me on the last thing I texted by today later about just make sure they dedicate that time to me. they did tell me to relax trust them a couple weeks ago and to stay positive a week ago. So I just have to trust them for now

Because I’m just worrying the friend won’t come through because of what the old friend did and everyone else told me if the new friend absolutely didn’t want to see you, they wouldn’t have asked you to change the day because they wanna see other friends they haven’t seen in a while, they would have just changed the plans and let you go without knowing like the old friend did

Like for instance, they did tell me ahead of time that they can’t do Monday bc there friends they haven’t also seen in months want to hangout badly can we move it back or forth a day . I found a way to move it from Sunday instead. I called them and they said yes for Sunday night into Monday after my late Sunday shift. I told them “is this final?” They said yes. I said okay. I did text them after just telling them just please dedicate this time here now to me. Just please come through then and I’m very excited. everyone who knows the story again the new friend and this situation all said they still see the new friend coming through Sunday after telling me on the phone yes when I asked is it final and then them mentioning that there friends wants to hangout Monday can we move it even sooner. Which is even better to get it overwith. And my other friends said if the new friend didn’t care they would have just planned with the other friends first and not worked out another day with them

I see what your saying. When I think this way I try to turn my attention immediately to don’t jump to conclusions and why it isn’t true. And then I usually attempt to distract myself

Now this new friend actually just happened to text me “I had a terrible day today” because they hardly reached out. And they did add in “see you Monday”

My other friends know they situation with the bailing out friend and the money stealing one and this good new one and they do like the good one new a lot now. They told me this thinking it’s ruminating based off past trauma all in my head and they love how patient understanding and reasonable this new friend is, but god forbid I don’t hear from my friends for re assurance I flip out

I’m trying CBT to combat my reasoning behind why this new friend isn’t the old friend. Doesn’t have the same intensions and worn approach it the same way at An absolutely worst case if this new friend who’s good decided to end the friendship or something. i think mainly besides mindlessly comparing the new friends responses and non responses and acknowledgment and so on, also comes from the fact that this new good friend is of the same race of the old friend but obviously this new friend is a true caring friend. And how I’ve met a couple “friends” of the other race and tho This new one is understanding, caring, and re assuring. The old friend bailed out and the other one stole $40,000.00 from me

I can’t stop focusing on this now that this day is planned for Monday that the worst is going to happen and this friend is going to say “I can’t” when I wake up suddenly, or “I can’t” during the day one of the days before Monday, because the old friend did that a few times

I hope I’m able to sleep and get through the next 3-4 days with these worries

Now the worry has turned to the friend saying “I can’t” suddenly on either tomorrow Saturday Sunday or Monday at some point due to the old friend doing that a few times and now my biggest fear is that I’ll go to sleep and wake up to see the new friend saying what I fear he’ll say that the old friend did alot “I can’t” bail out last minute

As of now mlb baseball in america returned following a lockout which almost cancelled games but didn’t. Anyway this new friend I’m worried of losing because of what the old friend did (bailing out on me last minute a few times or just failing to come through when planned) I have a day to see the new friend next Monday. I’m trying to get them into mlb baseball and I told them “mlb lockout is over” now I’m heavily worrying that they will absolutely tell me on Friday Saturday Sunday or the day of Monday “I can’t” to see me, like the old friend did. Because I texted them “mlb lockout is over” and then I won’t see them in April either because of that.

Lastly I can’t focus and fixate that last minute a day before or day of this friend will bail out on me picking them up and spending time because the old friend did that often

We decided on Monday night but I originally asked about Sunday, they said yes so I then mentioned Monday instead because I realized I had a night shift Sunday. And I said I’ll pick them up after work Monday instead, they said okay no problem. So I have to trust that they will see me Monday then and me changing the day suddenly due to a work shift makes no difference

I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I keep comparing that they’ll do what I fear (bail out or not tell me on Saturday and Sunday that we can decide on a day to meet, solely because of what the old friend did a lot as I mentioned) and I don’t know why I’m comparing two completely different people and also the fact that one (old friend) didn’t care about my feelings, my issues, my past, me in general. Where this new friend has shown they care in all aspects

I am so worried now because my new friend said yesterday they will let me know by Saturday or Sunday what day we will meet next week (since there coming in next week and told me I’ll see them but we will discuss what day we will meet and hangout on Saturday or Sunday) they told me be positive right before they said about discussing the day to hangout next week on Saturday and Sunday. yet instead of being more anticipated and excited about when they let me know on Saturday or Sunday when they will let me know when we can hangout next week, I’m so concerned they will not let me know suddenly last minute on Saturday and Sunday about when to hangout next week or just bail out when the time comes (because the bad old friend i keep comparing the new friend to, did that again and again multiple times) why can’t I just accept and look forward to the future and excitement of seeing the new friend instead of continuing to base my mindset and aneixty because of my old friend saying that type of stuff and always bailing out last minute or just not letting me know when they said they will again and again many many many times, even in a row