bwelagain

Hi guys, Just checking in to let you know that things are still going great for me. I am still waiting on nhs therapy starting, but am currently fully functioning, happy and feel very humbled to have come through to the other side of my recent relapse. I now know that we all run the risk of further lapses and relapses, so naturally, despite my ocd currently being at bay, I will embrace the opportunity to engage in cbt when the time comes. I am enjoying my life once more and genuinely appreciating the little things in life that I may well not have noticed pre-relapse. I understand from the constructive advice I received from so many caring people here, that cbt and erp are imperative if we are to remain well, so I intend to give it my all. Thank you to all here who encouraged me to challenge my ocd and allowed me to realise that I am much stronger than I thought I was. I am so very happy.

I have lived life to the full today, exactly as I did pre relapse. I have had fun and laughed loads today. I am happy again, so deliriously happy. I am in the early stage of recovery. I used to say that "Life is a wonderful gift". That is exactly how I feel once more. Ocd DOES NOT and SHALL NEVER AGAIN define me!!!!

I'd just like to update you all on how things are going for me. I haven't really found much time to get online these past couple of days, as I've been busy LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!! I am still finding each morning upon waking that I have a momentary 'wobble' of anxiety, but I instantly refocus away from that mindset and tell the ocd in me where to get off in no uncertain terms. I very much feel that I have a firm grip on ocd now by the scruff of its neck and I don't intend letting go of that grip any time soon as I am determined to kick ocd out of my life for good once cbt and erp equip me with the necessary tools to do so. Anyway, my sister and I had been estranged for 2 years and I learned earlier this week that she has not been keeping well either this past couple of months. She has an appointment with a neurologist very soon to determine whether or not she has the illness her gp suspects she has. My sister and I are now reconciled and I feel a warm glow in my heart that the recent marked improvement in my ocd has allowed me to step up to the plate and now be mentally strong enough to be able to be there for her when she clearly needs me. I have missed her. Yesterday, I took a bus down to her house. The journey each way takes about an hour. Since I relapsed in March, I had not been able to do much and certainly, going on a bus was out of the question. I actually enjoyed the journey each way yesterday and felt zero anxiety on the bus. Well, I spent a few hours with my sister, chatting as if we had last seen each other only last week. We even shared a few laughs. I arrived home very tired, but nevertheless, I did a few chores around the house. I can barely believe that once again, I am a fully functioning human being!!! Today, I went into town and mingled with the other shoppers, feeling entirely like my pre-ocd-relapse self. I felt and still do feel, happy to be alive. I lost all my positive emotions in the midst of this relapse, a state that seems to have set itself to rights as I have begun my recovery. Yet again, I can laugh, cry, sing, dance, watch the telly, read a book or magazine, cook and clean the house, and I can do all these things with gusto. I have begun to take care of myself again, unlike during the worst of this relapse when I couldn't even wash myself for weeks at a time, due to the horrors of intrusive thoughts besieging my brain almost 24 hours a day. I am back to being a girly girl, albeit a middle aged one lol Once again, I am not only able to wash myself, but I am taking pride in my appearance. I have booked appointments with the dentist, the podiatrist, the dog groomer to name but a few. I have taken back the reins from ocd and again, it is I, and not ocd, that is in charge of my life. I do not profess to be any sort of authority on ocd. I am merely in the earliest stage of recovery, largely due to the help I have received from other members of this forum. I have also bought another book on ocd which focuses entirely on intrusive thoughts, which is what I have found to be particularly distressing in my case. The book had excellent reviews on Amazon. If I think it merits a mention, I will submit a post on it here when I have actually read it lol It remains in the sealed carton in which it arrived 3 days ago, as I have been too busy this past few days to get around to opening it. By "I have been too busy", I mean of course that I have been too busy enjoying my life. Ocd has did its level best to destroy me these past 5 months and it almost succeeded. However, it is very true that 'we are stronger than we think', and 'we can if we think we can'. I did not believe that I would survive this relapse. Not only have I survived, but I have rediscovered what it means to have peace of mind, as at the end of the day, accepting that it is all ocd even if it feels real is the mindset that will allow us to beat this b**** of a disorder.

Yes Ashley, I would have to agree that it's all about accentuating the positive ang giving ourselves a huge pat on the back for achieving any of our goals, as nomatter how small the victory, the significance of ANY victory is actually huge to someone crippled by ocd.

Hi californiadreaming, I'm afraid I'm not qualified to give you advice on your erp as I have yet to begin mine. I just wanted to say that you know you have succeeded in the past, which bodes well for much future success.

Hi ocdishell, Yes, we are all spurring you on. As you yourself said, you have been doing great this week. Keep your eye on the prize of an ocd free life, for that is the best incentive to carry on trying as hard as you have been to date.

Thank you so much. I did indeed go to the hairdressers this morning and have beautiful highlights and lowlights and a lovely cut and blow dry. I chatted away to the hairdresser and flipped through magazines just like old times. It can and does get better, but hard as it is, we have to try to laugh in the face of ocd and live as if we do not have ocd. All that I post is second - hand knowledge.......I learned it all from the experienced here, thankfully.

Thank you PolarBear You have helped me immensely and I am so very greatful.

I've not been here very long, a few months. However, as some of you will know, I had a major ocd relapse at the beginning of March, which rendered me non/barely functioning. I stayed in bed 24/7, as I was so distressed by the return of horrific intrusive thoughts that I simply could not face life. I curled up and wanted to die.......that's how low I had sank.I also lost a couple of stones in weight as I thought I was a bad person(now I know that was the ocd talking) and felt unworthy and was barely able to eat Prior to the relapse, I had been on an ssri which I had been very lucky with, as it had kept me completely symptom free of ocd for 7 years. Stupidly, I had thought I was cured and tapered slowly off the med by last Christmas, only to suffer a completely debilitating relapse 9 weeks later. Of course, the truth was that I wasn't cured at all, the med had simply successfully masked my ocd symptoms for 7 years. I feel it is necessary to point out that when I was previously troubled by ocd 7 years ago, my gp readily offered me the ssri, but at no time did she suggest that I have cbt or erp, both of which I was ignorant of at the time, so naturally, I did not ask to be referred for therapy. I now feel that my gp was negligent, as she supported my decision to come off my ssri last year, knowing full well that my ocd had never been addressed by cbt............when this was the case, as a gp, should she not have known that I was undoubtedly headed for a 'fall' once we removed the med from the equation? After all, once I was no longer on the med, I did not have any cbt tools on which to fall back to manage any subsequent relapse of ocd. Thanks to coming here, I am now far better informed and am seeing a private BABCP psychotherapist, whilst awaiting nhs therapy. My cbt therapist initially found me virtually impossible to work with, as I only got out of bed for 1 and a half hours a week, which was the hour long session and 30 mins. travel time to and from the appointment. Everything she advised me about how to go about aiming to recover fell on deaf ears, as as soon as I left her office, I would immediately retreat to my bed again, which was where I would remain until the next session the following week. It was through reluctantly opening my mind up to listen to her advice and the wonderful support I received through joining this forum, that I finally dragged myself out of my bed almost a month ago that I have managed to 'turn the corner'. I began to make a little progress by initially going to the corner shop, then the local shops, then into town. Initially, I felt dreadful as naturally, anywhere I went, ocd along with all its horrid intrusive thoughts and images went with me. But, the experienced members here, have taught me much.........that reassurance seeking, avoidance and ruminating would keep me ill as long as I continued to succumb to what I termed my 'coping strategies', for these are the very compulsions, which when practiced, will ensure that us ocd sufferers do anything but cope. I am now endeavouring to allow the thoughts and images to 'just be', without engaging emotionally with them. I have also just read Prof Salkovskis book called Break Free From OCD, which Ashley here wrote a very positive review on. Well, today has been a huge turning point for me. Again, I went shopping in town, only today I ENJOYED myself at the shops, chatted away like a budgie AND thoroughly enjoyed lovely food. I would say that today I feel 75/80 % recovered from this major relapse. I felt much like my pre-relapse self today. I am happy. When I became ill in March, I could never envisage being happy ever again. I am even going to the hairdressers tomorrow morning!!! I fully appreciate that I have a very long and sometimes inevitably bumpy road ahead of me to reach recovery, but I now sincerely believe I have within me the courage it takes to make it. Why have I posted this? Simple really. This is a heartfelt post from a woman who was giving up on life due to ocd, a woman who, far too many times these past few dreadfully sad months, thought perhaps there was only one way out......... I am glad I did not choose that way out, as (I don't know who famously said it) I now understand that the only way out is through and look out!!! because I am coming through this relapse....... So please, if you feel on the verge of giving up, please take this post to heart and fight ocd for your life back. It is YOUR life and that life, nomatter how broken you may currently feel, is yours by right, and there is no place for ocd in it. It is always darkest before the dawn. Please trust this. I am only just emerging from my 'darkest' and, what a beautiful dawn it is!!! Once again, thank you to all the selfless people here who have given me such sage advice to date.

Ashley, I personally think the forum is such an encouraging, caring place to come to for advice and yes, sometimes comfort too. The experienced members here did indeed dole out a fair bit of tough love to myself also, and for that I will be forever grateful because it was that measure of tough love that finally taught me that I would have to dig deep within to find the guts to help myself. I think Marian Keyes said it perfectly in one of her books I read years ago:."Don't put a wishbone where your backbone ought to be." I thank all the special people here who reached out to help me.

Paulie, I am happy to hear that cbt and your own hard effort has transformed your life. I am yet to start cbt, but have also been very ill due to a major relapse. I have never had cbt in the past and have just been diagnosed. Your post inspires me as I too am determined to reclaim my life from ocd. I hope that you continue to go from strength to strength.

I've only just plucked up the courage to stand up to my ocd as of about 3 weeks ago. I am making really good progress, which amazes me as I didn't think I could do it. I accredit much of my progress to the experienced members here, who didn't offer me reassurance, but instead told me what I needed to do to get better, even if what they said wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time. This forum is helping me immensely.

Well done BelAnna for chatting to that lady. We can all do so much more than we think we can. I hope your world and all of our worlds grow bigger and more fulfilling as we overcome our anxiety conditions.

Today I have reconciled with my only sibling as they put out the olive branch and I was happy to take it. We haven't spoken for 2 years. Since I relapsed in March, I have felt as if I wanted to contact her many times. I felt like I needed her to help me through this, yet I didn't contact her. Turns out that she is now physically sick, waiting to see a neurologist and I am struggling to recover from ocd. I am glad we are talking again and hope we can help each other. I have also tried to shift the focus away from ocd today by trying to keep busy, going out for groceries and doing some basic housework. I have still been having intrusive thoughts and doubt, but keep trying to accept it is all ocd even if it feels real.

Not at all FTB. You just felt the need to express that you feel you can't be frank about your ocd. Many of us feel as you do. However, I admire the brave among us here, who have the inner strength to tell it as it is.