JennieWren

No it hasn't helped to understand why life unfolded as it did. I knew the reasons they acted as they did, and was why I couldn't articulate how I felt. I took responsibility for my mum in particular, and her mental health. She had a breakdown when I was young. This is a very good point that I hadn't considered. I endlessly have to turn things over in my mind and I have very high standards for myself and other loved ones. I also veer towards black and white thinking. I never think of OCD at the core of my views and feelings about the past. Why I might be getting stuck without being able to move on. I saw it kind of a side effect. In fact that's what my first therapist said. Sort out the past and OCD will disappear. But if OCD like obsessing and ruminating is fuelling my inability to let go, then that's really worth dealing with. It would make sense. have I understood you right?

Yes I guess it is. I'm just going to have to work through it I guess. And thank you for some much needed perspective. I'm glad you got help earlier than me and I sorry you are still suffering. My sister went through therapy and has made her peace with the past.

I think ocd can latch onto true things. It is the truth that armies kill. But ocd tells you only half a story. Armies also protect. They keep people safe. So it is important to give balance to your viewpoint. Something that ocd is good at obliterating. Just like everything in life armies have good parts and bad parts. And all you can do is choose a career instead that you think is better. i am a gardener with an allotment, which has taught me a lot. Whatever choices you make about your life, particularly what you eat, it will have an effect on the rest of the world. When I dig the soil, although I am mindful, sometimes I kill a worm. And I am followed by birds that eat the worms pulled to the surface by my spade. Even veganism causes death. This is not anyone’s fault and nothing is wrong. This is the nature of life. It may not be ideal but better to make peace with it and make the best choices we can. All we can do is to try and live wisely. To see that nature and living is about mindful balance.

That sums it up orange. But unfortunately knowing the reason hasn't helped me yet. All the therapists I've had have urged me to forgive and move on. But I'm stuck for some reason. everything everyone has said is true.

I would like to be where you are at Taurean. All I see at the moment is the past. I have so much grief, confusion and anger to deal with. And I am feeling strong urges to act destructively and self harm. And yet I also know when I've dealt with all of that I will still need CBT to fully recover from OCD. i probably shouldn't have written what I just did on the forum. I know it's not how to get better. thank you for replying anyway. You are a very kind person.

To clarify, for anyone that reads this as that paragraph doesn't make sense on reading back: it was not fine that they didn't try harder. That my parents didn't dig a little deeper. That they chose not to befriend me. To help me.

When I was a teenager I opened the bottom drawer in my older sisters bedroom. I can't remember why. In that drawer, amongst piles of paper, was a large, stale, chocolate cake. The middle was missing, it had been hollowed out with my sisters hands. I knew my sister was desperately unhappy. That a lot was wrong in her life. Even though we didn't get on much I remember telling my mum and begging her to help her, as it seemed to me that she had an eating disorder. I begged her to try as hard as she could. That no matter how many times my sister rejected her she had to persist. She didn't. so now I'm in therapy. Wondering how I could have been messed up for so long without anyone noticing. Thinking I was this average happy kid. People say I act normally without outward problems. My husband said he had no clue I was mentally ill until way after we got together. Like I'd tricked him into thinking I was mentally stable when I wasnt. No teacher. No parent ever saw. But was that possible? Or was I just like that cake. Too difficult or time consuming to face. No one ever took enough trouble to know me better than I could know myself. And that's not me feeling sorry for myself because I don't. I just wonder what the **** is the matter with people. How a parent could do that to a child. I had no way to articulate my anger my fear. So I wrapped it up and put it in a place very far down so it would smash me up, but no one else would have to see it. And when it leaked out, it upset people and I felt guilty. No one actually taught me what to do with that anger and that terror. So I invented something. Ocd. I am writing this for myself. To put it out into the world that to be mentally ill and be able to hide it is a terrible terrible thing for a child. And even worse is to be taught that you shouldn't be angry. And even worse is, when you act up, crying out for help, no one helps. Because I said 'I was fine'. And they chose to believe it. it was not fine. It was not ok. It was wrong. It was cowardly. And I knew it was at the time. And I know it to be true now. i know all the reasons why. I've always known the reasons. So I got to feel guilty on top of everything else. That I couldn't forgive it.

If it makes you feel any better I think most of us have struggled / fought to find access the right treatment at the right time.

This is not your fault. You are not useless.

I think the key to this is not asking more questions about what your thoughts mean, but working out a plan for how you intend to cut back on the ruminating. Its OCD so... do you understand what you need to do next to get out of this hole you've dug for yourself? There is some very experienced forum members who've helped me a lot with this.

Sorry I meant to say "not fantasise in this way again" hope I didn't trigger you.

I think you sound like the average human. None of us is perfect and we all do things we might regret after the time. Ocd has blown this completely out of proportion. I think you need to get yourself well to realise these things you've 'done' are not really important. Ok so when you are well, you may choose fantasise in this way again Fine. But this smashing and destroying of yourself is not necessary.

Nope. Still ocd. I had fears my husband was sexually abusing my children. It had all the hallmarks of OCD. And my psychotherapist identified it as OCD. I think this also raises another interesting question. An issue of trust between you and your dad. Trust which he broke long ago. Having kids can be very triggering regarding our own upbringings, I think. I agree that there is no proof of sexual abuse here from what you've told us. But I do understand why your brain might have created this fear. For me OCD is about preventing harm coming to those I love and being responsible if I can't prevent it. And your dad was violent. And you don't want your kids to experience what you did.

ok cool.

I'm having the same dilemma. I have a packet of sertraline sitting in the cupboard that I'm too stubborn to take. I hate the side effects of starting on them which is one reason for putting it off. But the other is that I want to cope unmedicated. But I'm not really. I am going to follow your example and bite the bullet tomorrow.

This is an interesting topic. Thanks for posting OD. I want to clarify. I don't think there's anything wrong with requesting that your friend look after your laptop in the way you would. What I was trying to say was, that if you wanted to, you could use it as an opportunity to test/understand your motivation behind your expectations of behaviour. But maybe I've totally over complicated it and you just wanted her to treat your laptop respectfully! i have a house rule that people around for a visit take their shoes off in my house as they enter it. I think this is common sense as I don't want people tramping their dirt through my house. This has nothing to do with OCD. It's just a standard I keep to and expect others to follow. It drives my mum nuts! She really doesn't want to take her shoes off when she visits.

Good to hear you're alright. Although it's no fun feeling these things.

Sounds like a good compromise. And if it's better for you all then great. Might seem like a turnaround in viewpoint but these things are complex. I think more sleep is also definitely good!

I think you've answered your own question! It is normal for YOU because of what your brain is telling you about yourself. And what is strange anyway? I mean, I worried that my husband was going to kill me because I was such a dreadful person ruining everyone's life. I even felt he would have been justified in that. That I deserved it. Now that's crazy???? so forget strange. Look at what's happening. The OCD mechanism behind the anxiety. That's what matters really.

Then that's fine. Because it's your life and no one else's.

Me too! This really resounded with me.

I could be so way off the mark but here's my two pence: i think we get to a point in our recovery where our obsessions etc can seem very understandable, plausible or even wise. They become very subtle. We then have to decide whether to live with the status quo or dig deeper and really challenge ourselves. To choose to keep the status quo is not wrong. But let's not pretend it's good practice either. I think what's great about self exploration is that we can do things we say we are indifferent too in order to test our reaction to them in the here and now. so yes, I do think you should eat junk food occasionally even though you don't miss it, and avoiding it is a wise, sensible choice. Eat it and then see what feelings and emotions come up. If not a lot then you have your answer. If the opposite then you have your answer. for example, how would you feel if I said you had to eat chips every night for a week? Get past the reasonable thoughts about looking after yourself etc and see if anything distressing comes up. And how would you feel if you lent your computer out and it came back smashed to bits? Or full of crumbs. Would your mind feel smashed or full of crumbs too? Move past the reasonableness of the ensuing emotions and see what's beneath. people with OCD like to control their environment. And this can get very subtle. I know I do it. But I am still in a cage, it's just got comfy sofas, good food and relaxing music in it.

Well tell the doctor you've got a team of people online who will make sure you stick with it this time! ???? and there is worse things than the ire of a doctor you hardly know or see. Your wellbeing and happiness for example.

I don't think snow bear is suggesting we face every fear we have, just the ones firmly rooted in OCD? so avoiding lending your laptop is not like a fear of sharks. In that if you aren't lending things because of OCD, the faulty thinking behind it could easily fuel more faulty thinking. Fear is a natural part of being human. All humans have irrational fears which they would benefit maybe from facing. But like swimming in the ocean, it won't make much difference if they avoid it. But not all humans have OCD. Their fears don't potentially escalate and take over their lives. Thus a fear of sharks may be less harmful than your avoidance of lending your stuff, because it doesn't fuel ocd. (Or does it ???) i think to recover from OCD we have to live bravely. And do things that take us out of our comfort zone. We have to face fear and uncertainty head on. So it's not whether you are missing out, maybe you aren't, it's what will happen next... and what the drip drip effect will be of being either too attached to your possessions, or too untrusting of others.

I agree that you need to give medication six months. Until then you have little clue what is side effects, and how your mind and body will feel when habituated to the drug.