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GreyCat

OCD-UK Member
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Everything posted by GreyCat

  1. Hello Lucy, Yes, I made the same experience. I have it in 2 ways, when my OCD (mainly checking, magical thinking) is very severe my memory is awful. I think (just my personal opinion) that my brain is so focused on the checking and my anxiety is so bad that my brain just cannot process anything else so nothing gets "registered" in the brain. And the second way is that I start to worry then and constantly compare my memory with the memory of others and with my memory of a few years ago. And the more I focus on it the worse it becomes or better the more I notice all the inadequacies. Sorry for the clumsy words - English is not my mother tongue and I've an issue with typing/checking as well. Unfortunately I don't have any advice. I only try to let it go, not to think about it and accept it that I sometimes can't remember anything especially when my brain is on "high-alert" and constantly scanning my environment. When learning my brain often got locked. I don't know if it's the same for you but when I learned for example history I chose a random date which I wanted to remember by any means (it of course did not work) and I was so focused on remembering this date that all the other information I tried to learn in let's say an hour did not register at all. So I did neither remember the date nor anything else I read in this hour. I don't know how much of it is OCD itself or just due to the anxiety caused by OCD. I'm really sorry that I can't give a good advice but I wanted to send this answer anyway so that you know that you're not alone.
  2. Thank you very much for putting the order on hold. I wish I could give back more since the people on this forum are helping me really so much. I've an issue with typing (or rather checking what I wrote) so I cannot contribute a lot so I hope that I can at least give a tiny little bit back by buying the cards and with the donation. I want to thank you all for the support and for giving it also in those difficult times.
  3. Just ordered some cards - they are great! I left a note with the Order too but just in case: would it be possible to dispatch the cards in a few weeks only? Our postmen are really struggling at the moment. I hope it will not cause any inconvenience to put the Order on hold.
  4. I know this will not offer much support but I would be happy if no one would take any notice of me. My checking is so severe at the moment including the terrible mood changes that everyone notices. They don't know what exactly is wrong so I'm just the freak for them. As I said no good advice since I'm terribly caught in the checking cycle myself at the moment. I'm also very tired. For me the exposure hierarchy doesn't work, it's rather a "domino effect": after the first check I'm doomed no matter what. Sorry for not having any advice - but please let me know when you've found a way out.
  5. Hello Cub, Unfortunately I cannot offer any advice since I'm also terribly struggling at the moment. I just want to send you my virtual support, to let you know that you're not alone. I really wish I could help you since I feel your despair but right now I'm beaten by this awful disorder. So forgive me for not sending a good advice but I really wanted to write nevertheless to let you know that you're not alone.
  6. Since I'm not from the UK I cannot really contribute but it's done here and they publish that it's only done as last measure if nothing else helps. It further says that for 2 out of 3 patients the symptoms could be reduced by at least 25%. I did not do research in detail so I don't know if the site I found and quoted gives an overall picture. But if above figures are halfway correct then it's not very encouraging in my eyes. But then I don't know if the treatment would be exactly the same in the UK as it's done here.
  7. Yes, I've also had this problem. I checked the car for evidence of a collision, stopped to listen if I hear emergency sirens and drove the same path several times. I don't do this any more since the last time I drove the same path several times I was stopped by the police asking why I was circling the area! I don't know what they suspected (maybe that I was looking for "my" drug dealer or waiting to pick up my partner coming from a burglary). Now how do you explain at 4am in a completely deserted town with no one on the streets that you're driving around checking if you hit someone! It showed me the absurdity and it was a real nightmare and my fear of this happening again prevents me from doing this compulsion which then also reduced all the other compulsions - unfortunately not completely.
  8. I am Not sure if I want to Go Into this discussion but I have to contradict. The term enjoy would be the last word I would come Up with when thinking about OCD. I am a checker and I check my work several times, I come in on the weekends. Luckily I catch most mistakes. Therefore I lately received a Job offer to proof-read a manual. Payment was Very good. NOT for EUR 1000000 I would have agreed since the stress and anxiety are just too much. So I dare to doubt if it's really OCD or if so maybe with another topic. @ Andrea, this is wonderful with the rescue dogs. Sorry for Not replying sooner but I sometimes don't dare to write. This was such a positive and wonderful post of you, really inspiring and giving me hope and a reason why to continue fighting and it makes me sad in which Direction it partly went. I definitely don't dare any more to mention details of my OCD since I am too vulnerable at the moment for some of the possible replies. So I thank you for your courage and for bringing hope and light and for your Inspiration. Sorry for the bad english, I am writing on the phone which is constantly changing the language
  9. Wonderful that you are also an animal lover! I'm unfortunately not good with humans but I love animals. I would love to help as many as possible. My cats are rescue cats too. Unfortunately it takes forever to check that they are safe or better that it feels safe. To take responsibility for additional animals is impossible ?
  10. I would love to help this day in an animal shelter - but now it is impossible, it would take me the whole day to check if all doors are closed, all toys are safe....
  11. Hi BelAnna, So sorry to learn that you're struggling. I was also wondering if your dog is picking up on your anxiety. One of my cats does. Whenever I'm very anxious, he gets nervous too, doesn't eat or vomits. I don't want to give reassurance but depending on the medication your dog got she might be tired. And the immune system had to fend off an infection which is also an inside battle. So she might be just not feeling well because of this. I know the thoughts you mention but did you only have them shortly before your cat died? Or did you have them more or less permanent but did only make the connection when it really happened? I have constant worst case scenarios in my head and expect my cats being dead when I get home. So far it never happened (in more than a decade) so if it should be true one day it would still be 100 million times thought not true versus 1 time true. Sorry that I can't write more and that I'm not really helpful but I'm struggling with typing. I send you and your dog my best wishes.
  12. Yes, it's very dangerous, I also used alcohol to self-medicate and now I've both: OCD and an alcohol addiction. Of course it's not the same for everyone but there is a risk.
  13. It is good news that all your fears were purely OCD. I send my get-well wishes to your dog.
  14. Hi, I try to answer but typing is a big Theme for me. I understand, it is indeed bad that you had some Not good experience with your vet so that you don't trust your vet completely. I am lucky in this context since my vet is brilliant. Yes the OCD around my cats affects me a lot which is even more strange since I don't have a theme for myself here. Like you I take care that the sink is clean before filling their water bowl, I check that all cupboards are closed, that no bags are lying around, no sharp things.... I avoid touching other cats (we have 2 deadly diseases in our area) sometimes I have to change clothes if I touch something which might be dangerous
  15. Hi, I think it's normal to be worried in this situation but luckily you've the Vet appointment already tonight so that your dog gets a diagnose and treatment. Until then I would try to refrain from trying to figure out what it might be. This is just speculation and as always with OCD suspecting the worst. I can totally relate, I also have OCD around my cats pretty similar to what you describe above. But when it comes to injuries or infections I absolutely trust my Vet. He is the specialist and he knows what he is doing. I don't try to self-diagnose since even if by chance I would be right there is nothing I can do anyway until I get a recommendation and treatment from the Vet. I know that it's extremely difficult but I would really try to stop figuring out what it might be, distract yourself and dedicate this time to your dog. She needs you now when she is not feeling well. I wish your dog all the best and that she gets well soon.
  16. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately I cannot give any advice but I wanted to send you support. You helped me so much in the past. You're really a wonderful person and I really hope that you can apply the kindness you give to others also to yourself.
  17. Hi Madchoc, I can relate. When I'm fully engaged with OCD and under a lot of stress any interruption - even the kindest one and an offer to help - makes me angry and desperate. I then have to re-start with checking and this makes me angry. Also in general, the worse the OCD is on a certain day, the more aggressive and angry I am. Afterwards I'm always very sorry until the next time.
  18. I don't know why you avoid it. I didn't cook for a long time since checking if the hotplate is turned off just takes too much time. So maybe trying to find the reason why you don't cook will give a hint?
  19. As Gingerbreadgirl says "This Naked Mind" or also "Alcohol Explained" by William Porter. Sorry I can't add anything regarding the OCD since I'm struggling a lot but you mentioned that you want to seek help for your problem with alcohol so I wanted to add a book recommendation since Alcohol Explained really helped me.
  20. I'm not living at home any more but I see my parents several times a week. They know how much I'm suffering but in best case they just choose to ignore it. They don't want to have a "sick" child. I think this reaction is of course not good and it hurts but maybe it's understandable. Parents usually want the best for their children and my parents are just helpless when they are confronted with my OCD. Sometimes they get angry, most of the time they just push it away, after the motto "it cannot be what may not be". Of course I wish they would have learnt about OCD and I'm sad they didn't. Since I realized that I won't get any help or support I try to hide it from them. It's a bit easier for me than for you since I'm not living at home any more but I truly wish I would have had more support and less of those hurtful remarks regarding my OCD....
  21. Hi, I'm sorry that you're struggling so much at the moment. I'm only in square 1 (in fact never left square 1) so I'm actually in no position to give advice but I'll try to answer your question and hope that something is useful for you. I can totally understand what you're writing since I also check at work. I've to read each Email x times, as you I've problems to put someting in an envelope, I've to check the address x times, especially to make sure the I did not mix up Mr and Mrs.... the list is endless. From your other posts I know how important this new job is for you so I think it's absolutely normal that you're worried if you get it. But since you put yourself under so much stress your checking OCD gets worse. It's a vicious cycle, the more you're afraid of a mistake, the more checking, the more insecurity, the more the fear of a mistake.... I'm sorry to learn that your new job also depends on the reference of your current managers. I wish I could say that your manager won't give a bad reference but I can't, but what I can say for sure is that you cannot necessarily influence this and that sometimes you will never learn the motivation behind something another human being does. If she should give a bad reference - and I'm NOT saying she will - it might be because she wants to keep you because you're such an extremely good worker. What I want to say with this is, that you cannot influence your manager and she will do whatever she wants for whatever reasons and motivations she has. This is on the one hand scary but maybe it can also take away the pressure from you. We think compulsions help us to avoid a bad outcome, help us to make life more secure, give us control over things which are actually beyond our influence but in fact they won't change anything, they will only cause us distress and anxiety. All you can do is give your best, believe in yourself - everything your manager does is no more in your control.
  22. Hi, I'm so glad I did not say anything wrong. Posting is a real struggle for me, as I said I'm afraid of saying something wrong and then the checking and checking and checking before I'm able to submit a reply.... I'm so glad that you have some goals and things which you would like to do in life. Your list sounds great! When I look at my list I only focus at the goals, I'm not looking at what is achievable and what not, in fact they are all out of reach at the moment. I only keep this list to keep me motivated, to keep on fighting, to endure all the constant relapses. I want and I will do all that is necesssary to improve since as mentioned my life as it is is really miserable. These goals are only a motivation in the context of why to fight against OCD and what to fight for. With these goals ahead I know at least why I endure this horrific anxiety and also the hardships of ERP. And the internet is wonderful, I can watch the places I would like to go to and see the things I would like to do while I'm not yet able to do so. This increases my motivation even more and lifts my mood which then helps to tackle the OCD. To get a rescue cat as medium goal sounds great! My cats are also rescue cats. I don't have harm OCD but I've to check everything and the cats are one of my main triggers. I've to check the windows (even though I do not open them), doors, stove, simply everything. It would be easier to give the cats away since checking for their safety is so hard and time-consuming but I love them and I refuse to "lose" them to OCD. I may not make any progress against this disease but at least I'm defending my current position against OCD. Thank you for asking, no I don't get any therapy. I wish I would get some help. I understand that you're seeing someone next week? Do you get some medication? Maybe you can work out a plan that works for you. Sorry if I ask something you already wrote but I can't switch between the topics (Computer skill = zero!) since I'll lose what I wrote so far. Is online therapy an option? Is there someone you can contact when you feel suicidal? We do have emergency telephones here, I contacted them once and it really helped. As I said I'm running around in square 1 so I cannot contribute anything regarding recovery from OCD but please reach out for help!
  23. Hi, Unfortunately I can't contribute anything regarding overcoming OCD since I'm running around in square 1. But I can totally relate. I'm over 40, don't have a partner - in fact never ever had a relationship in my life - no kids, no friends and a job I don't like and now additionally maybe an alcohol addiction. And I agree with you that it's hard to motivate myself considering where I'm now. What is helping me - and I don't know if this makes sense for you too - is to cling to some things I would love to do. I've a handful of goals - very, very small ones for other people - but for me at the moment out of reach due to my OCD. But I cling to it and it gives me the motivation to keep on fighting. I don't like my life as it is know but this in itself is also my motivation to try to improve. Only if I get better I'm maybe able to reach one of my goals. If I only look at where I am now, there is really not much reason for me to fight, but if I cling to my goals I see a reason. I don't know if this is of some help for you but maybe you can think of a few things you would love to do in life, be it to travel somewhere, go to a concert, have a pet or whatever. Maybe this is then a motivation. If we've a goal it's easier to start the journey and to start fighting. If above doesn't make any sense, just ignore me. I'm always terrified to send a comment since I don't want to say something wrong.
  24. Hi, I've also had both. Aneroxia was diagnosed when I did not know anything about OCD yet but also with my knowledge now I don't know what was OCD and what was the eating disorder. It's an addiction so it's normal that it "occupies" you completely. I also had to weigh myself several times a day, I was constantly checking if the distance between my stomach and the trousers was still the same (checking with bottles or other items). I was counting calories and if I ate too much I had to exercise obsessively. I ran on exact the same days, exact the same distance.... To be honest until today I don't know how much of this was OCD and how much was the easting disorder. I would tend to attribute it more to the addiction. Unfortunately I can't contribute much in the sense of how to overcome it. I banished the scales, I bought a new pair of trousers so I could not compare the past with the present. I stopped running completely and changed to more relaxing "sports" like walking. It was so hard in the beginning! Of course the eating disorder is still present, it's an addiction so it's a lifetime issue but it's more in the background. Unfortunately I shifted the addiction so as said above I cannot contribute anything in the context of how to overcome it.
  25. Hi Tanana, I fully agree with Headwreck. I also think it's normal that we want our pets to be happy and that we want to be sure to give them a good home. I do have OCD around my cats, i.e. checking the windows, the doors, checking the flat for items which might hurt the cats.... and here I clearly see the OCD theme. I also want my cats to be happy and they definitely are but contrary to my checking around them I don't see this as an OCD issue since it's just normal that you want your pet to be happy and to feel at home.
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