Spud2018

@Gemma7 Thank you very much!! Is OCD horrible isn't it? I was just listening to a podcast about "ROCD" and had a thought like "All of this is true thought" and it's so hard to identify whether it's intrusive!! sends me down a spiral of me saying it over and over to see whether I think it's true or not/denial etc etc... Bloody nightmare!!

Hey guys, I'm hoping your all doing well. Recently I started ERP I'm on my third session and this weeks task is to record an intrusive thought and listen to it over and over. I just wanted to know if anyone has done similar and also help me with a problem I have encountered. So my OCD revolves around relationships and sexual orientation, they very much go hand in hand, however, I don't really get intrusive thoughts like some people to describe " a flash of lightning type thought" Mine is more like I'll go to message my SO or just see an attractive female and I start getting a feeling of dread and then I start to think about it. The what-ifs come flooding in and I start to scenario build (I know it's a compulsion) and generally think the worst to see how I feel. Basically, I engage in an inner dialogue of letting the scary thoughts come in and then rationalize. In a way, it's almost like I create these thoughts unconsciously if that makes sense. So my question is; do you think it will be okay to just record me saying a sentence which englobes the overarching theme such as "I don't love (name) anymore, and that's because I'm gay" would work? I have done it today and I must say it was scary, it makes it very much seem real and makes me feel like that part of me which always fights with it is the denial and that this is all actually true. The therapist said to record the thought as close to the intrusive thought as possible... But as I said my type of thoughts don't come as much like a sentence. Anyway, sorry for the long post, just was wanting some opinions, and if anyone wants to share your ERP experiences that would be great!!

@OCDhavenobrain and @Coffeecake Thank you both the forum is really encouraging, unfortunately, I talked to a friend and she said "you can't blame everything on your OCD because this might be real" and whilst I agree with that to an extent I feel like people don't understand? It literally made me so anxious. I am at the point at the moment when I don't even get that anxious I just feel down and drained like @Coffeecake said... It's so difficult because anything he says that is ever so slightly annoying my mind tries to exaggerate it as it's a deal breaker. Like he's super fussy about food and he was going on and on about what to eat and I had a thought like "oh for goodness sake" and immediately I got that anxious feeling in my body telling me "oh he's so annoying you hate him, just admit that you hate him to stop denying it" And then I have to rationalize that and be like "no no no I don't actually think that!!!" and proceeded to confess to him that I was having those thoughts. Thankfully therapy in coming in a few weeks, just need to survive until then.. xx

@Coffeecake OMG YES, I was watching the royal wedding Saturday morning and it made it 1000 times worse I was lke "well what if i'm not as well matched as Harry and Meghan?" so funny... Woke up this morning having a lovely cuddle and thoughts flooded my mind once again "what if I hate him" "I'm sure I don't like him" etc etc etc.. So bloody knackering ey. Just got to keep going!!

Hi @Wonderer and @Atlantis , thank you very much for responding it's really helped. Yeah I'm trying to cut the compulsions as much as possible, I need my laptop for uni work but over the summer, it's going away!!! My themes keep switching constantly and the worst thing is I constantly have this feeling that I'm forgetting to solve something in my head, and then I get thoughts and have to solve them, and then around it goes again I feel like I've constantly got something to solve and can't focus on other things. Its almost like I can hold the thoughts off for a couple of minutes until I let them back in, solve them and then it all happens again hahahha worst thing ever.

Hi everyone, I think I’m currently suffering what I hope is ROCD. I’ve been on 150mg of sertraline for 4 weeks and it’s making me feel quite numb, but worst of all I keep feeling like I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. We’ve been together a year and a half and I feel terrified that I don’t like him and that I’m falling out of love. I’ve been doing quite well I’m not doing compulsions but I cracked and read a lot of articles about “falling out of love” the signs and so on and I realised some people do feel anxious when they realise they no longer like they’re partner. I’m just so scared and lost, I feel like when we’re together I analyse how I feel when we kiss and so on. Then I’ll get this horrid feeling almost as if I’m like really unnattarcted to him all over my body:( and sometimes I tell myself im being silly and cry and other times I feel nothing or almost like I’m forcing myself to like him and would be happier without him:((( I also have awful moments where when we’re together I’m like oh I’m so bored of him he’s so dull and I then feel horrible. I’m scared this is not OCD and is just me and that if I stay I will be unhappy. I genuinely feel sick and my head is telling me i don’t like him and that I’m grossed out and even writing this I have that awful feeling of I don’t like him. I’ve tried to remember what the start of the relationship was like and how I felt about him and I’m now questioning, well what if I never liked him in the first place and this was all just out of loneliness and that I’m lying to myself And because my theme changes several times a day since taking sertraline I honestly feel like it’s me creating this and that mybe I don’t have OCD I’m just in denial about everything and the relationship is the cause of everything It’s worth noting we’re both at university and live together in a student house because we decided to live together before we got into a relationship because we were such good friends. So I do see him all day every day. Please can someone just give me some advice or insight please I’m really suffering.

Thank you so much Wonderer, I think it's because my intrusive thoughts have always been about one of my themes but because they're being so mundane and neutral I was like: wait is this an intrusive thought or am I having the beggings of hallucinations? Another OCD trick I guess.. so evil! Thank you for the encouragement xx

I know I literally want to cry it's such a waste of a day, it's beyond hard. Trying to get through some work now... It's like if I don't search it my brain is telling me that this is a symptom I cant ignore and need to know!!!! Once I'm done with uni work in 3 weeks my mum is locking away my laptop away thankfully, at least until I can fully stop myself.

Since my fear of developing schizophrenia, I keep getting this really odd thing and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I'll be sitting in a room with someone else and I'll suddenly get a very vivid image of them saying something to me? Like I know they aren't, but It'll be something so neutral like "are those headphones yours?" and It's SO vivid and very strange. Then I start to get scared I've hallucinated? Like the other day my boyfriend was checking his emails and I had a very vivid image of him being like "oh ****" as if he had seen something concerning. I know he didn't say it but it's really weird and it's scaring me a lot. Of course, when I searched it, the first things that came up were Hallucinations and Delusions and now I'm even more scared Has anyone ever experienced this?

Thank you @lostinme I appreciate it!! CBT is coming soon I think so just a matter of time...

Thank you @Isthisreality having such a difficult time I went for a walk to distract myself but if anyone looked at me I would start thinking "Omg maybe I'm only thinking they're looking at me because I'm developing schizophrenia and I'm paranoid that they are and will start believing it soon". Like it's honestly so exhausting and then I have to start googling all of this. I just lay on the sofa for ages because Idk what to do!! I'm so drained!! I want to keep fighting through and I managed to actually go and meet some friends and feel a little better..

I'm still having troubles with constant switching themes. Anything is now triggering, I worry about all themes and my head feels like it will explode. The issue I'm having is university. I can't focus and my motivation is so so bad I've always been so preoccupied with work but now I'm in such a bad space with it. Thankfully so far I've passed everything as far as I know. But i've got very important exams coming up and I can barley revise. It's really frustrating because I literally feel like i don't care? Even thought I do!!!. My sertraline dosage has just moved to 100mg and I'm going on 150mg next week. Just needed to vent a little I guess, feel really low.

Thank you @taurean I appreciate your comment x

thank you @PolarBear Yeah that is so true, its like I have to say phrases "I would never hurt anyone "I've never done this, i've never done that" It's so hard to stop!!. But I managed to quite well this evening and distract myself watching some TV! so was happy about that. Hope your well.

Is it normal for themes to jump from theme to theme super quickly? It used to be that they would last for several weeks 2-4 but now it's literally like changes from day to day. Sometimes I'll be worrying about one thing in the morning i.e (schizophrenia) then it'll be like HOCD later or if I get POCD type thought I think about it until I've established I'm not an awful person. It's so tiring

I forgot to add, I have exams coming up this month, I've barley revised due to the fact that OCD has basically taken over my concentration and I was told to delay them etc, but no WAY am I going to let it beat me. Even though I haven't revised much I will still do my very best, you can't let these things take over your life so I'm sitting those exams. Another thing, My mum had cancer 3 years ago thank god in remission now( routine tests soon fingers crossed) and not only was she back to work 3 months after having major surgery which was in no way a necessity, we tried to get her to rest, she now works for the charity dedicated to Bowel cancer on weekends just because she refuses to let the illness get the better of her. I know mental health is different but I'm just trying to say fight back!!!! don't waste your life away because of a blip.

I agree with @Ashley I know how desperate and down OCD can make you feel but there is not point in the self-pity, there were/ and are days when I don't feel like getting up and I feel sorry for myself! And I've already started to have setbacks my psychiatrist has told me going on my year abroad is a bad idea, I've stopped exercising, cried more than I can remember, argued with my boyfriend BUT slowly slowly, you have to build yourself up like I'm trying to do. Do the things that make you happy, today I felt like utter shyte but i refused to have yet another unproductive lazy day so I went to the beach and just paddled and then came back and listened to Earth Wind and Fire on replay for an hour and had a little dance. I haven't done something like that for the longest of times and it really helped!!. Just do at least one thing a day that will make you smile as a way to build yourself up, I don't know what that might be for you, but everyone has something. I walk my dog every single day i'm home from uni, it just puts a smile on my face! Learn a language or jujitsu or anything!!! Hope this helps..

Thank you @PolarBear and @gingerbreadgirl, Yes at the moment i've started doing some gardening with my mum, just digging and weeding and it's actually really therapeutic! My mum has also hidden my laptop so i can't google and I can only use it when i'm with her..(I feel like i'm in primary school again hahah) So at least that cuts that one out. I feel like the mental ones will be hardest but my friend said CBT really helps with that!!. Spud x

@paradoxer, I didn't mean for it to come across dismissive at all! I just meant that I think that 'to just stop' is quite hard because I have no idea how to go about it, I'm going into therapy soon but I'm really new to this so I'm not coping particularly well. I didn't mean to offend @PolarBear and I apologise if I came across as rude at all. I appreciate every response I receive and am grateful. I'm sorry again to have came across rude, Spud x

Right, thanks for that PolarBear. Don't think there's such a thing as "just stop" with OCD. But i'll take your kind comment into consideration. x

Yes, I know! I'm just wondering how I can go about that

Does anybody else have this; sometimes I find myself engaging in an inner monologue before I’ve even had intrusive thoughts? For example, I’ll start saying to myself “no that’s not true, you would never hurt someone” or “no,nope,no” and when I catch myself I then start thinking about bad things??? Because I’m like why was I having those thoughts and start to relate it to something terrible?? And then I think something bad and start reacting in my head like “oh that's terrible, oh gosh no I would never do that” etc etc. (hope that all makes sense) If anyone has experienced it, how the heck can I stop it? It freaks me out!!! Spud x

I agree with Atlantis, fantasies are meaningless. I read a lot about them when I was suffering from HOCD because I can recall so many times where I've had lesbian fantasies and then when I started to get HOCD I have terrified it meant I actually wanted it in real life. In fact, researchers say that fantasizing is just merely just the mind exploring sexual encounters that you wouldn't necessarily want, but the fact its "forbidden" or "taboo" is the reason why they arouse you or you think about them- human process. The guilt is all OCD, I have this all the time and someone without it would have seen it for what it was; "oh lol I once fantasised about my sister in law, that was weird!- oh well!!" and move on with their day because it doesn't have to mean anything! I hope this helps, Spud x

Thank you very much ecomum, maybe it is just ocd flaring up. I just feel so panicked an awful that I've exaggerated these things, it makes me feel so manipulative. Thanks for the reply x

Hi, I'm sorry to post again but I'm really really struggling. I honestly feel so so awful. Long story short after my OCD diagnosis I am terrified I’ve faked it. And now my mind has brought up some horrific memories which I feel could prove it and I don't know what to do. Firstly, I have often exaggerated my low blood pressure (it isn’t even that bad) but sometimes especially in front of my boyfriend I’ve said I’m faint or on one occasion (when I was drunk) I actually pretended to faint. (This has made me cry for an hour now because I feel so terrible).I've Especially done it for male attention when I've had a crush on someone etc (I’m obviously an awful person). Secondly, I remember when my parents were in a bad place and they may have been separating, I exaggerated it to my friends and kind of wanted their pity and maybe just bigged up the situation. And thirdly last year I lived with a horrible flat mate in freshers halls who used to be very manipulative. Long story short she was very weird about body image/weight and used to make remarks to me that I was “too skinny” etetc. And there was a period of time where I was a bit exercise and diet mad but nothing severe. But I told my now boyfriend that I had struggled with food issues and I think I made it sound worse than it was. I never said I had an eating disorder because I didn’t! But maybe I implied it. I know that I’ve exaggerated things in the past to get attention from people and now I’m completely terrified I have munchausen disorder and have made this all up. I told my mum and boyfriend and sister and they didn’t say it was bad and lots of people crave attention (especially since I was bullied a lot in secondary) maybe?. Please if someone could help I’m having an absolute meltdown. Have been crying for an hour and don’t know what to do. I feel like I should email the psychiatrist and tell him in case I've invented OCD.