beckyboo

This is a fantastic book! I have it on my kindle & will be revisiting it soon!

Aww I'm so sorry your experiencing a relapse! .. ive had lots of time to reflect today, Ive been watching the 'Luther' tv series which isnt a usual genre for me & it is quite graphic so im putting alot of it down to that triggering some rather creative new intrusive thoughts.. the reason my lack of fear/distress response was there is because knives are no longer a trigger for me (done alot of ERP around them) please try not to self diagnose hun as this wont be helping, pregnancy & the elevated hormones is actually linked to OCD spikes with pregnant women, its also normal to have fluctuating moods too, if your like me you'll be overthinking those low moods, analysing them and also fearing another flare up... Remind yourself of your tools from what youve learnt, understand that low moods are quite normal and just takes a bit more effort to have self care in place. ive just re-refferred to IAPT for some CBT refresher sessions to remind me of my tools again. Your always welcome to pop me a messege as we deal with the same thing.

Thank you its nice to hear that actually im responding the right way. i think the self doubt is actually the cruelest part of OCD, intrusive thoughts i can deal with them easily.. but when they cause us to question ourselves thats thr ultimate torture.

im now also sat worrying that this is going to set off a repeat of what i went through last year.. ive already been anxious over developing PND after babies born and i really am so afraid of another relapse.. it was such a terrifying time for me i would do anything to avoid a repeat.

Primarily my OCD runs on the whole 'harm' theme.. it started out as harm intrusions about my child.. always been centered around the youngest, through the work ive done over the years I established that this was because my youngest at that moment was the most vulnerable, dependant on me keeping them safe. i worked through that well & then suffered a relapse last year the theme changed after doing exposure work to suicidal OCD. I completed CBT & ERP for this i still have to work daily on the hypervigilance around my emotions & over analysing them as i now have a huge fear of becoming severely depressed.. This was caused by midiagnosis and risk asessments etc by persons with a lack of understanding around OCD. Things have been going great.. currently 21 weeks pregnant too! .. Ive been a bit of an outreach for someone in america who has been comparing herself to 'amanda / andrea yates' a huge case over there in which she was suffering psychosis and took the lives of her children. My partners gone out this morning im just sat with my toddler and up pops 'What take his life then your own' im sorry if it sounds horrible.. its literally made me feel sick & a need to be away from him just incase its not OCD and there is a real risk / Im a real risk to him! Im now sat thinking what if there is something else alongside the OCD thats going to cause me to act on this! .. I came into the kitchen an there was a knife on the side .. the rational part of me knows how to do ERP and the approach is to leave it where it is and not engage in compulsions so i left it there, with minimal distress over leaving it there, but then came the question.. why was i able to to just leave it there... does that mean that its not OCD?? ... I have moved it now, washed and put it away in a drawer but more because i felt thats what i should be doing more than feeling compelled to if that makes sense?? Now sat posting in here feeling very confused on why ive not had the same reaction i typically had previously... is it because the intrusion has some truth to it deep down or is it because ive worked on my OCD so well that im not triggered in the way im used to? i know theres an element of reasurrence in this post and some certainty seeking.. But im really fearing now that im one of those mothers that do, do it!

Agreed!! .. I found ERP was the most helpful & beneficial part of therapy for me since i understood quite alot about the cognitive side. Mindfulness is an amazing tool to use for a multitude of emotional challenges or just worked into a healthy habit of day to day life. I also agree its useful to know there are other therapies available if a person becomes treatment resistant.

I wish ?? this one by far is the hardest!! but thank you very much

I didnt have depression to begin with.. the idea was put there because the duty MH team didnt really understand my OCD and just saw it as Ideation rather than a fear & heck of alot of safety seeking / self preservation behaviour. My ocd has always centered around harm .. im able to work through harm intrusions about others easily with self guided ERP but somehow i manage to internalise it & it becomes self harm intrusions and it was that which they didnt understand & went ahead risk asessing me as being suicidal which i was far from it. but because of the doubt they put there i was constantly doubting if it was OCD .. which funnily i had come to that conclusion anyway. due to that i became very hyper vigilant over emotions & feelings, checking my responses and becoming afraid of normal lowered moods .. overanalysis and comparing to others depressive symptons to see if the matched I ended up making the connection that depression meant suicidal.. so low moods now trigger that anxiety off. But im pretty confident that it is just my ocd spiking a little due to pregmancy hormones & recognised ive done a fair amount of reasurrence seeking the last few days, with that knowledge my anxiety has come down massively and my mood has lifted too

CBT with ERP is pretty much the best treatment for OCD.

Yeah, The early session i had was around figuring out if it was depression or OCD because i received a misdiagnosis & alot of damaging things said to me during my crisis with the OCD some proffessionals had me doubting myself to the extremes & was trying to tell me i was in denial about my intrusive thoughts & compulsions so it took a while for the therapist to pick it all apart.

Hey all! ... Ive not posted in here for a good while now.. my OCD has been in remission / recovery 95% of the time since coming off mirtazapine & completing CBT & ERP. However, im currently 17weeks pregnant with baby n.4 I didnt have OCD in my 1st or 2nd Pregnancies & my 3rd was so stressful & busy that i didnt really have time to even register moods / OCD etc. This time around its quite chilled / relaxed. the past week ive had the whole 'Cant be bothered / fed up' mood on and off each day.. My OCD unfortunatly focused on having a huge fear of becoming severely depressed & sucidal inteusive thoughts even though i actually wasnt. Unfortunatly due to a miss diagnosis & certainties given that shouldnt have been it progressed into doubts whether i had depression or OCD. I worked through therapy and as i said.. i came to the realisation that it was OCD. These moods lately ive tried to rationalise as hormone / pregnancy related.. but theres always that doubt that actually im depressed or heading that way & its so unsettling .. ive since messeged 2 people who i know either are pregnant and have a history of depression etc and ive also posted in a mums group & OCD group.. now here. Im aware now as i type that im most likely reasurrence seeking here and trying to reach a certainty that its still OCD but the doubt im having makes me think its not worth the risk.. I also just (about 15mins ago felt like throwing out all the tablets in the house which was a behaviour/compulsion i had last year) Not sure why im posting probably is simply for reassurence.

just live my life & enjoy it but yes your right in what youve said, thank you Acceptance is going to be key for me i think

Yes it is however i went through higj intensity CBT im sure the therapist would of picked up on it

sorry but struggling to understand what you put

Thank you, Ive spoken to my Gp who has said the anemia & fatigue will certainly be contributors but also apparently after coming off mirtazapine even gradually there are some side effects for a little while

It was the hospitals duty psych who said PND & didnt bother to check my history of OCD I had all the classic signs of a OCD relapse but was dismissed. I requested to go to a facility later that day because her words gave a terrifying certainty that i just couldnt cope witu. i had a formulation whilst there with the hospitals duty consultant who confirmed OCD relapse. I was then under the CMHT who also confirmed OCD and refferred me onto IAPT for CBT & Erp therapy. while i was waiting for the refferal the CMHT teams psych basocly said it dodnt matter if it was pnd or ocd that both were treatable which i didnt find helpful due to one of my compulsions was ruminating to figure it out. Every session i had i did a depression / anxiety score sheet in which my depression score was never above 4 my therapist established OCD & GAD as co.morbid We established that my compulsions were mental ones specifically around checking emotions or avoidance I was refferred to IAPT by the CMHT and treated for OCD even if i did have depression she would of picked up.on that (Therapist was a high intensity CBT psych)

I was given mirtazapine because for some reason on my medical notes that id already tried sertraline & citalapram ...however even though id been prescribed them citalopram made me very spaced out even after 1st dose so i didnt continue them & the sertraline made me feel very sick, having emetephobia thats a huge challenge for me so i refused to take anymore (3 doses i took max) Plus the duty pysch at the hospital last year when i presented in huge crisis she failed to listen to me about OCD, confirmed a fear by giving false certainty before telling me it was post natal depression & discrediting any compulsions i told her i was having. So that cast alot of doubt Our family social worker also dismissed me telling her it was OCD because id recognised the signs, she went on to say i was in denial & not willing to accept i was actively suicidal, telling me i had been hiding thing deliberatly rather than hiding them as a safety seeking compulsion so again this made me doubt myself. And more recently my consultant physchiatrist whom ive never met wrote to my docs saying if i show depressive symptoms again i have to be prescribed sertraline no mention of OCD even though id completed 5 months of CBT & ERP for it I just have to believe in what ive learnt. I think it just took me off gaurd as ive been feeling pretty much OCD free for a while.

Thank you your reply has been super helpful

thank.you for confirming that. I think its possible ive read other news about people who didnt show any signs then the next day a life gone.and been overly hypervigiliant. I dont think its a tummy bug as its just nausea. and ive lost 11lb in a week which isnt good. im on 650mg per day of iron & additional.50,000 units of vit D too just started them so.hopefully i will perk up soon xx

Ive just done the inventory you mentioned & its sat at 17, so just above the mild mood disturbance heading into borderline clinical. However i am very low on iron & vit D which could be altering the mood & this has only been since tuesday so going to maybe monitor things before rushing to go back on my tablets. i do need to start eating rekon that would likely positively impact things.

I had weekly Phq-7 & Gad asessments and for at least 8 weeks my Depression score was subclinical at 2 points & my GAD score also being a 4. My OCD asessment upon discharge was also subclinical. ive not heard of the Beck asessment thought. Im sure she used the Steckerty model. And yes ur understanding is correct. Just feeling worse as the anxiety has caused feeling nauseated alot im hu gry but cant face food so that wont be helping much

i mean what if ive just been in complete denial? and convinced the therapist it was OCD?? even Dr. Blenkiron wrote to the Gp saying if my depression symptoms returned i should be put on sertraline, when i was being treated for OCD not depression. I just feel like now theyve covered it up from me because i have been so scared of being told i have depression

So after a good 6 months of feeling great, completing CBT & ERP It was agreed for me to come off mirtazapine all together which i did Mid feb. up until this week ive felt great! Then tuesday i felt like i was going back downhill. Ive barely been getting enough sleep due to my youngest having tummy troubles through the night, then my eldest being at hospital, a very low iron & vit D deficiency and a whole lotta doom n gloom in the news & social media. tuesday night i felt low, then my anxiety must have kicked in cos i felt sick & shivery then alot of toilet trips too. I barely slept a wink. My stomach still isnt any better im between feeling sick & hungry so my appetite has gone. Im panicking that maybe i actually do have depression & that im actually having actual suicidal thoughts (my Ocd focused on a fear of suicide) It was established through therapy that i was miss interpretting emotions and feelings and using them as confirmation. In the end my therapist was unable to trigger.me. I have however become hyper vigilant again so attempting to compare what im feeling now with other peoples cases of depression or ideation. again i now feel sick & shakey which has upset my tummy. Ive decided maybe i should just go back on my tablets because i dont wanna risk it if it is actual ideation or if im fearing a relapse. I was doing so well! became a peer to peer facilitator with OCD Action & do alot of advocay & started documenting my journey on Youtube. I did what should of been a positive live and just felt like i was faking the whole time :'( I really dont want depression or these thoughts im trying my hardest to pull myself back up my therapist told me i needed to get myself through this to show myself i can cope otherwise i will always respond this way she says i can overcome it & to re read.my relapse blue print. But now im doubtful that this is even OCD Just so sick of it now, i have been doing amazingly well this just feels like such a step back

its hard to not do things because of the doubt and risks associated i need some help in figuring out the compulsions, i know trying to avoid the thoughts is one of them and being in these forums is another

Recently started the Exposure part of CBT, For months ive been fine, barely even noticing the intrusions and just letting them sit lke background noise which is a huge step! i could finally see light at the end of the tunnel, i felt ready to tackle the last hurdle, i told my therapist if i could overcome this particular theme like i had the others then i would be set for life because the latest theme has been by far the hardest to deal with. Our first session of ERP we had to read out an article about the passing of Robin Williams over and over, yes it was upsetting because i felt so bad for him and his family. but it hadnt triggered me, or so i thought. this week she said she didnt know if id actually reached a point that id overcome the intrusions and worry already and she was unsure of which way to proceed because i have been so proactive in understanding ocd and recovery that all that was needed was a relapse prevention plan OR to be more hard hitting with the exposure work, she suggested maybe watching 13 reasons why. Now on first thought this had me worried and hesitant, then to seeing some videos on suicide shared on facebook and BOOM i got triggered i think. feel horribly tearful all weekend, to feeling helpless / hopeless to sleeping 14hrs straight because i couldnt face the day, to the old habit of ruminating if it was all ocd playing tricks on me on putting laundry away came across a box of sharps on top of cuboard that id forgotten about to the intrusions of they could be used so that spiked my anxiety, to taking my medication and seeing the box thinking it would be so easy to take them all which futher increased the uneasy feeling to thoughts of how awful my kid future would be without me in it. just feel like ive taken a huge step backards and got stuck in the whole ruminating wether its ocd or not :'( so tired of it all really. i wanna live my life and have things i want to accomplish but not if have to keep fighting like this. ive ended up back in other ocd support groups, posting in here and sat wondering if im dispaying or feeling things that are associated with someone who has ego syntonic suicidal thoughts or if what im feeling or thinking is ego dystonic urgh so ready to overcome this