Hey everyone. I'm not sure where the right place to post this is, but it's basically about OCD and how fed up I am with it.
I do feel really alone with this, and I have a big problem with magical crazy thinking and fear of contamination. This is among a delightful array of other OCD strains which I have to deal with every day. I'm actually really afraid of posting this, as I feel really ashamed of my inability to fight harder right now.
I've been essentially trapped in another country whilst a divorce goes through - and I've been struggling to survive in the meantime. Incredibly I think it's been about 2 years since I broke up with my ex. I can't tell you how hard this has been and how bad the depression has been along the way, plus the OCD. I'm weeks away from finally moving back home.
Anyway, since I got back from holiday to my apartment from being back home for 2 weeks, I just wanted to change my bed sheets. Last time I slept here was with my gf 2 weeks ago, and I'm usually fine with bits of dried blood or something when I know who / where it came from, basically me and my gf. She is the only person who has ever slept with me in that bed. And yes, I've tried to reassure myself with basic facts like what can actually survive outside of the body and this kind of thing, but every time I look at the bed I still get STUCK. Rooted to the spot in absolute anxiety and panic.
What's changed? My gf got a cold sore a few days ago. We've not met up since I got back yet, as she wants to give the cold sore a while to go away. Anyway I know this is a virus, and which one, and it's not like I'm cleaning my entire apartment. It was just the blood which freaked me out when combined with knowing she has a cold sore. I've changed those sheets before with the odd spot or two (and this is only from us sleeping together immediately following end of period) but this time I'm stuck and it's completely irrational, and it's classic OCD.
To get on with my life in the meantime I've slept in the spare room on a sofa bed, and I feel terrible about this. I feel weak and ashamed of making this decision. I'm sick of being at the mercy of this nonsense. If I put those clean sheets on, and sleep there tonight, it is statistically impossible that anything bad will happen - yet I fear waking up in the morning, having to go to work - and getting stuck with fear of OCD and not being able to go into work. I can't let THAT happen because then I'm totally screwed and that's just too awful to contemplate. So that is why I've, so far, made that decision to let the OCD have its way.
I want to have a crack at using the bed again, maybe not today - maybe I will feel better in a few days (getting over jetlag and feeling spaced out right now) and will just think yes I'll get this done. I feel like I'm inches from my mind being OK with it, it's so frustrating.
Can anyone relate to this?
I've resolved to get back into therapy when I get back to my home country (services are MUCH better there) and start fighting back, and make things better post divorce. Mentally I've been in a bad bad place for a few years, some seriously not good thoughts in my head and low self esteem. Have to change this for the better. It's desperate stuff sometimes.
My gf has been wonderfully supportive, and I've been totally honest with her about my OCD so far. She is really desperate to help, but knows it's basically down to me. I'm really worried that I won't be able to face seeing her due to this OCD, and this is how I know it's all just gone too far. I thought I was getting by, but I look at this and I'm just thinking this is really BAD.
Beyond upset, totally broken yesterday and just trying to get back on track today.