Hi everyone, I’m new! I’ve been lurking for a while and have finally decided to post my story so far. It’s rather long so please bear with me.
I’m reaching out for some kind words, advice and encouragement as I’m at the end of my tether and very frightened.
For background, I was a generally happy child although I now recognise OCD traits in my childhood, e.g magical thinking and rituals. As a teenager, my life seemed to get harder and harder to deal with. The bullying was quite severe. I was beside myself with anxiety at school and it made my life rather miserable. I can recognise a few obsessions looking back that were contributing to the anxiety, an obsession that people could hear my stomach growling and an obsession about being trans.
At about 14 I dropped out and did my schoolwork at home, passing my GCSEs somehow! I became housebound, overwhelmed with anxiety until I tried to attend college at 16. Unfortunately, the anxiety knocked me out again and I dropped out after only a few months. I spent the majority of my time there crying under the staircases! It was around this time that I pushed for an autism diagnosis as I recognised it in myself and was diagnosed with Aspergers.
I’ve been housebound since then, leaving only for appointments and occasions such as Christmas at my gran’s house. I became consumed with an obsession that I was too ugly to leave the house, spending hours upon hours attempting to pick out an outfit before collapsing into a sobbing heap and cancelling. Eventually I lost all my friends. I don’t blame them, I was a nightmare!
However I didn’t realise I have OCD, and that all these problems had been OCD obsessions, until December 2019. This was when I was triggered into my current theme: the fear of being a paedophile. For me, this is the most terrifying thing I can think of and it hit me differently. I’ve been completely destroyed by this theme and googled desperately trying to understand what was happening to me. That’s when I came across intrusive thoughts and OCD. I hadn’t even considered the possibility before. I was ignorant and thought OCD was about *cringe* cleaning. Perhaps if OCD wasn’t portrayed the way it is I would’ve clocked on and been diagnosed sooner? Makes you appreciate the work charities like this do even more.
Anyway, the current situation is: I’m a 23 year old girl with aspergers and paedophilia themed OCD, struggling to stay afloat as the guilt and shame is so all consuming. I was already dealing with immense self hatred issues (the body image obsession, looking like a child, having a younger mental age than my 23 years, not being independent, being a jobless friendless shut-in) but this theme has taken it to another level! I also struggle with the “what if it isn’t OCD?!” fear. Typical, I know! I feel grief over the years of my life I’ve lost to this and the potential years it’ll take to recover.
I’m happy to say I’ve found a therapist that practices CBT who is also experienced in treating people with autism. She mentioned ERP pretty quickly so she seems to know exactly what she’s doing. I’m fighting off the intense suicidal urges (darn depression comorbidity) as this could be my chance to finally stop letting OCD take over my life and achieve my goals. I’m trying to change my negative outlook but I’ve suffered so much for so long it’s difficult sometimes, especially when it feels like life keeps throwing worse and worse things at me while spitting in my face...
We have a video call therapy session in a few days. It’s been tricky because of Covid-19 to get the therapy which has been rough to deal with as every day that passes my fright builds. I also hope she can help me recognise my compulsions as the mental ones can be rather sneaky. I’m just going to hang on by my fingertips, believe this is just OCD and treat it as such, do the work and hope I can have a better future than my bloody rubbish past!
If you made it this far, thank you!! I really appreciate your time and any potential replies.
