canigetawitness

My rumination has moved from wondering what she meant. I've accepted that I won't ever know and that I can only move forward with uncertainty. My anxiety has found something new to latch onto though. When I asked my therapist "I guess when we talked about how all things considered, soap smeared on the TV wouldn't be a big deal, you were just saying even if that somehow came to be & there was damage, it wouldn't be the end of the world? Not to actually test it out?" My anxiety has latched onto my phrasing of "Not to actually test it out?" I'm wondering if I phrased this correctly and should have used "Not to actually do an exposure" rather then "Not to actually test it out", because now my mind is telling me these are different things. I can accept that she probably didn't want me to do an exposure, but what if she wanted me to "test it out"? I want to think these are the same thing, but my mind is saying "test it out" is something different than "doing an exposure". And so I'm worried if I confused her when asking this and if she knows what I meant. My logic: Would my therapist want me to do it? > No. Would my therapist want me to test it out? > You'd still be doing it > So no. My anxiety: Yes, but what if "testing it out" is different than "exposure"? What if her not responding was proof she wanted you to "test it out"?. What if she's confused by what "test it out" means? Do you know what "test it out" means? What if you both forgot about "testing it out" and it's something that needs to be addressed & carried out? She doesn't want you to do an "exposure", but what about "testing it out?"

Is "test out" a synonym to "exposure"

If a therapist uses the phrasing "I want you to test out touching this trash can and then not wash your hands afterwards.", Would "test out" mean they wanted me to do an exposure?

Do you have any tips on how to stop ruminating? It feels so automatic. I don't want to be doing it. It's causing a lot of pain. At the same time, I don't know how to turn my brain off.

I'll keep trying to let it go. I wonder if she knew having soap smeared on my TV would damage my TV in the first place. Maybe that's why she said it wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Or maybe she thinks a broken TV also wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Maybe neither would matter in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't mean I need to actually smear soap.

I'm stuck on what she meant by "in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't matter". I'm equating this phrase with it meaning that I do need expose myself to soap lathered on my TV to prove it wouldn't bother me. But honestly, it would bother me anyway, because actually doing that would likely damage my screen.

I think she's saying she wants me to let it go, not smear soap, watch TV as I like and move on.

I reached out to my therapist with this: "I've been struggling with something that's come up since we met this morning. It's similar to the noise that's already in my head, but it's taken a slightly new twist. When we talked about how it wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things if there was soap smeared on the TV or myself, my mind quickly started thoughts up like "Well see, if it's not that important, expose yourself to it. Smear soap across your TV and on your body, leave it until you habituate." I've been trying to dismiss this thought as another worry trick. However, I get particularly stuck because smearing soap across my TV would bother me aside from OCD, and I get anxious about what that means about myself." And she responded with this: "Good questions. It does sound to me like these are still the same types of thought traps we discussed earlier today, so while I know it is difficult to do- my recommendation would be to not engage/participate in the "what should I do about this thought/urge" line of thinking at all. Instead, any time that comes up for you, use it as your cue to get out of your head and instead work on trying to be more present in the here/now. Keep working on getting out of the house, walking, seeing your friend, and doing things that are meaningful that you enjoy. Each time your mind wanders back to the unhelpful thoughts, bring your attention back to your surroundings, your 5 senses, or whatever you are doing in the moment. In other words, drop the rope and find something else to do." Do you think this means she didn't actually want me to smear my TV in soap when she said "in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't matter"?

I don't know how to move on from this. My therapist won't talk to me about it. I just want to be able to sit and watch my TV. I don't want to smear soap all over it & damage the screen.

I suppose it has. It was really triggering. I'll try to move on.

Where I'm confused is that aside from OCD, lathering my TV screen in soap would bother me. In reality, that'd likely damage the screen . I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if my TV was damaged. At the same time, watching film is a hobby and love of mine that OCD has been attacking for a long time. So if it would bother me to lather my screen in soap, does this mean there's something wrong with me?

I was sitting and got the random intrusive thought "Go smear soap all over your TV and yourself." It was a thought. It's my understanding that we aren't supposed to do anything with intrusive thoughts. My therapist, who works with OCD, said "In the grand scheme of things, it wouldn't matter whether you smeared soap all over your TV or yourself." I don't understand what they meant by that. I thought the whole point was to allow the random, intrusive thought ("Smear soap on your TV.") to be there without doing compulsions. I'm not sure what the purpose of digging into the content is like my therapist has. With OCD out of the picture, it'd still bother me to to smear soap everywhere. In fact, leaving soap lathered and dried on the screen would damage the pixels and screen. I don't think smearing soap on my TV screen would help move me forward in any way... I'm confused why my therapist said "In the grand scheme of things."? It's causing me a lot of distress and throwing me off in what I'm supposed to be doing therapy wise. I thought we accepted the thought itself, not the content inside of the thought.

Thanks for the advice. I will keep trying to do that. I guess OCD is finding a lot of evidence, for example my light green cloth has white tones to it & my OCD said, yep, those white tones are soap that you rubbed it into your screen I'm trying to just watch my TV regardless. The thoughts of "now there's soap smeared on your television" keep coming up & it's finding any evidence to tell me that I've done that.

Thank you @dksea. I have been watching the TV and trying not to care whether the leg is broken or not. I think I'm making some headway. I appreciate your help again.

Went to get cloth to clean fingerprints off TV. Before wetting cloth, my mind said "You need to pump soap on that cloth and rub it on your TV screen for a therapeutic exposure." I thought, "That's a weird thought. I'll just use water. Soap isn't meant to be rubbed on TV screens." Then, after wiping fingerprints off TV my mind says "Did I actually pump soap onto that cloth and rub it on the screen? I can't remember." Now, what do I do? Do I need to rub soap on my TV for therapy or leave it alone? If there's soap on my TV, shouldn't I get a cloth to remove it? Do I need to rub soap on my TV for therapy or leave it alone? If there's soap on my TV, shouldn't I get a cloth to remove it? This is the OCD cycle I'm caught in and I'm not sure how to break it. Also, I wouldn't even know how to describe this "theme" really. Thanks in advance for any help/advice. :)