Hello everyone, I've never been diagnosed with OCD but some of the posts here are about things quite similar to what I'm experiencing, so I thought I might be able to find help here. For years I've struggled with compulsive thoughts, mostly of a sexual and/or violent nature. I've compulsively used internet pornography for years as well, and in hand with my other compulsions, what I've looked at has grown progressively darker as I've needed more novel things to satiate my desires. My descent down this path was suddenly interrupted by a relationship I had which greatly improved my mental state, lasting nine months. It ended mutually, and on good terms, but after it ended, I was right back to my old ways. This was worsened by quarantine beginning right around that same time, and with more time than ever to indulge in my compulsions, I hit rock bottom. With such an exposure to pornography, I was looking for more extreme things than ever, and I went on to reach a new low, and use illegal content for these purposes. The reality of what I'd done only set in a few days afterwards, and now I'm living with extreme guilt over what I looked at, and intense paranoia and anxiety about being caught for it. My compulsions are eating me from the inside out, I don't know how to deal with them, and I don't know how to talk about them. For the first time in my life I'm having serious thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I don't know how I can live with these things going on inside my mind- please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
