cashewnutsandraisins

*raises hand* Yep, one of my more prominent themes. You’re not alone

Hi @Ashley and @Gemma@OCDUK Please accept my apology for replying so slowly. To be honest, I was in a bit of a state after that session and it took me a while to get myself back together. I think my biggest concern after that session was it just seemed like a big dose of trying to give me reassurance which I’m thinking is the worst thing to do and that the way he was trying to treat me was along the lines of ‘not really understand how OCD works’ and therefore I started to really panic about how much he could help or if this would be totally ineffective treatment because of his ‘lack of understanding’. I’m on appointment six so far and have since had a much better session. I would say that at the moment I feel like a lot of the CBT side has been useful and I feel like there is sone improvement. I still have my concerns about his ability to overall successfully treat OCD - which he said I fit - and whether I might need to find myself seeking out an OCD specialist after this treatment ends. That’s definitely not to say that I’m in a place where I feel like I’m not getting any benefit/progress from these sessions - just seriously concerned by the reassurance that was offered previously and my uncertainty (no pun intended) around his employment or ability to carry out effective ERP.

Hey @Chels I hope that you’re doing okay. I don’t know how useful this is - so please feel free to disregard - especially if its stuff you’re already aware of. I can’t comment on the medicine side but I absolutely can sympathise with the issues around low/non existent libido which has troubled me greatly over the last year. I’ve had to work on this a lot with my cbt therapist recently. Have you explored the impact of anxiety on causing your libido to lessen? By this I mean that I was in a position where I was so hyper-aware of whether I felt aroused, how often I was having/wanting sex and if not, why not that it put me into a complete vicious cycle with me feeling completely anxious and on edge about it all the time. My therapist got me to see that I was living in a constant state of anxiety - almost fight or flight response - and in that situation feeling arousal is definitely going to be significantly affected. Might be worth considering as a part of this next step for you. As I said, not sure how helpful Ive been but just wanted to try to help.

Hi everyone, I've literally just finished a session with my CBT therapist who I am working with after self-referring to IAPT. My expectation was that we would be working more on ERP today and sitting actively with thoughts. I feel bad posting here as my therapist is lovely and very supportive, however after the session today I do have some concerns about how effective and potentially damaging this therapy could be. I feel that this context is important - he hasn't go so far as to give me an official diagnosis, but has heavily suggested a number of times that this is OCD and GAD. My biggest red flag is that we spent a lot of time today discussing the trigger that first started my theme around homosexuality. This led into a long discussion in which he said all of the evidence would indicate that I am not gay - up to 99.9999999999 recurring etc percent. He did say that he wasn't having this conversation to give me reassurance and that a big part of getting over this is being able to tolerate the un-certainty, but ultimately that my history doesn't match up to the OCD theme I have. Needless to say, despite hearing this, my brain is still fixating on the 'evidence I am gay'. He also said that he didn't think doing ERP around this theme would be helpful as he thinks with all of the interrogation my brain has done over the last year that I have already performed ERP on myself enough. He thinks the more important ERP that we need to try and do is to shift my attention away from a worry and allow myself to sit with the unncertainty. I also thought we would spend more time on my relationship theme as this is currently what is troubling me most. I feel in a way he has opened up a can of worms with the other stuff by inadvertently offering me reassurance, or trying to. The homework he has set me has also somewhat triggered me. He's also me to do this exercise on my relationship; we went through it together on sexuality stuff. I have to write a list called 'I should not worry about this unless one of these things becomes more apparent' - and then fill it in. Some of the things are making me concerned that they are evidence that I am gay already - e.g. having sensations down below, which until today I was working to understand that these are groinal responses. I should say that these exercises might have been set more to help with my problems with worry than OCD. I did make a point at the start of the session of saying 'how do you know if thoughts are legimate concerns' and he said he would help me to create a framework, so this might be why we have done this. I'm in a bit of tiz from it all and feeling very unsure about whether or not this therapy is going to end up causing me bigger problems with enabling my thoughts to spiral and spiral. I had fully prepared myself for ERP and then spending today focusing on not doing compulsions - instead I'm now really worried about what has happened in therapy today and if there is a problem with what has happened. I'd appreciate any advice others may have on similar issues with CBT from IAPT

Hey @malina and @PolarBear Thanks for this. In terms of the OCD versus non-OCD thoughts question I had, you both have given me a bit of a lightbulb moment there. I definitely have spent a whole heap of time feeling that OCD is a separate entity living in my brain and actually I really do now understand for the first time that it is all just thoughts - my reaction is key. That in itself feels really free-ing - as it’s not that I need to live in fear of new thoughts that I can’t control, instead I can control my reaction to any new thoughts that arise. Not necessarily as easy as that, but in terms of shifting my mindset it’s a hugely useful starting point. I’m just under three hours away from my session today. Am absolutely feeling sick as a dog with nerves and fear about it all, but I am going to be brave and try a different approach. I’ve got a plan of action for things to do to get me out and about today so that I’m not just sitting around ruminating so I hope this is going to help. I’m also going to not come onto the forum for the rest of today as I know - when I feel anxious - it can be something I do to relieve my symptons. goodness me, I wish I could wave a magic wand and just make this all go away - but then I know we could all say that too. thank you both again X

Hi @PolarBear and @malina, Thank you both for responding to me. It means a lot. Rationally, and logically, I know you are both absolutely right. Goodness, I've read enough of other posters threads where you've implored them to realise that the thoughts can seem/feel completely real to know that I am falling into the same trap myself here. I'm just really frightened. Malina, when you say about running from a monster - it absolutely feels like that. I am so scared. I think what makes it harder is that with the thoughts which focus on my relationship, there is a part of me that goes - well how do I know if that's an OCD thought versus something which actually might make me be questioning the relationship? This is definitely something which I am struggling with and I'm really frightened that any time spent with the thoughts will lead to this 'epiphany'. I try to keep holding onto the fact that the thought of my relationship breaking up makes me feel absolutely sick and that - when I'm not in an OCD spin, then I'm actually really happy - although admittedly I struggle a lot with knowing if this is how a relationship should feel like, because embarassingly this is my first proper relationship, even though I'm 33. I think that insecurity has made me vulnerable for the doubts to build and build. I won't go into more detail on this, as I was about to and then realised I was about to give you a whole sentence blatantly confessing and trying to get reassurance. That's why I just don't want the thoughts in my mind - because then I'll ruminate, over-think and analyse and (I'm really scared that I'll) find an answer I don't want. I think you're right PB when you say that I've been supressing thoughts for a long time. Stupidly, I even thought I was doing really well at managing the thoughts and letting them 'sit' but I've come to realise that I do everything I can to eliminate them from my mind. I don't know if this analogy makes sense, but sometimes I feel like OCD is like being Alice in Wonderland. In that I mean, you think you understand the world and you know what's what (yes, this is probably where my issues with tolerating uncertainty start to become clear) but then OCD is like stepping through the looking glass and suddenly you're in a world which makes no sense and is completely alien to everything you've known - and feels so so so REAL. The thoughts feel so REAL. I do what I can to remember the advice on here - the phrase 'you can have intrusive thoughts AND feelings' has practically become a mantra but I do feel an awful lot like I'm trying to avoid stepping through the looking glass, which is why I just am so desperate to avoid these thoughts rather than go through ERP. I understand your advice. It terrifies me, but I'm so grateful for the chance to talk to others who understand. And I know I need to take a leap of faith. On a final note, with my question about how do you ever get to place where you know if something is a real thought and not an OCD thought. Is that something yourselves have ever wrestled with, or come to a conclusion on? No worries if not, but it's a paradox I'm struggling with and just interested to hear the possible experience of others. Thank you both again.

Hi everyone, I’ve put this as a reply to another thread but I - will admit I’m freaking out - and would really value any support and advice on this. I’m not intending for this to be reassurance seeking but I just need to get out of my system how sick in my stomach I feel about starting ERP with my therapist this week. This time will be actively sitting with thoughts whilst in the session. Stuff I’ve done so far is more passive eg watching tv shows id been avoiding. I’m still struggling with sexuality and relationship thoughts. At the moment my OCD is going full force at trying to destroy my relationship. I just want to refuse to do the ERP in the way I should. I am terrified that sitting with the thoughts will allow me time to start believing them or even have an ephiphany that they are real. I mean, jesus, how are you even meant to know what is real or isn’t anymore? I feel like what works best for me is keeping the thoughts supressed and avoiding them so I don’t allow any chance for them to be real. sorry guys, really struggling.

Hi @OCD Scott I think it’s well documented that caffeine can mimic the feelings of anxiety, which might explain how you felt earlier. I have also had my GP advise this when I initially sought help back in early 2020. Since then I’ve reduced my caffeine intake (although not completely) and on the whole I would say that I have noticed having caffeine and it leading to a spike on a few occasions. Would definitely research further but this has been my experience.

I would agree with PB’s question r.e CBT and whether you have looked into it? I say this as I have overwhelming fears of others dying - in particular my boyfriend - and not being able to handle the grief and my therapist is helping me to work through it.

I watched a Youtube video about this - where the therapist referred to it as the 'backdoor spike'. I have very much experienced it too - another way for OCD to try and keep itself alive! I'm going to badly paraphrase the advice another user gave to me - but say you're ill with a cold, then you don't question getting better from the cold and not having those symptons continue - you've just got better. Same should apply with OCD - the fact we don't have the same response shows we are getting better. Much easier said than done I know! But hang in there!

I am desperately trying to remember that I am making the choice that this is OCD, despite all the doubt that has beseiged me recently. I'm also having the biggest spike yet with one of my current themes - relationship OCD. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my relationship. Everything I do there is a little voice in my head going 'but do you really mean that' or 'are you sure that's how you feel really'? It's torture and it's breaking my heart at the same time. I don't feel like I can remember how to just be in my moment and not questioning everything I do. Today has been horrible as well - being with my boyfriend and even starting to feel like I'm living an out of body experience. I get freaked out by not wanting to have sex, or that me and my boyfriend have less sex than we used to do when we first met, and then it becomes a vicious circle because the more I'm freaked out by not needing sex then the less I find it hard to become aroused. Another poster (I'm sorry I've forgotten the name) mentioned about spikes and PMS. I have just come onto my period so I think this is also playing a big problem, but genuinely this whole thing is just making me despair. At the moment, I feel so low. I've started CBT recently, but at the moment - despite how much I am trying to say to myself that I will put the work in and I will get control of this - I just feel that I don't have a cat's chance in hell of ever overcoming this. If other posters also notice the spike around their PMS, do you have any tips?! I'm sorry for a self-pitying wallowing post. I just need to get this out of my system. The worst part is feeling that I can't talk to this about anyone. With all of my other themes I can be open about them (careful not to confess and seek reassurance though) with my boyfriend - who is the only person I've been able to substantially confide in. Because this theme is so wrapped up with him I feel like I just have to grin and bear it. On the outside I am all smiles, on the inside I feel like I am screaming.

@MentalChecker - this is a great post. Thanks for writing it.

Hi @malina Thanks for this. Yeah, I think that chat with the therapist r.e. confessing is going to come out in the wash next session. I was asked to do some homework which invoved writing down all my compulsions. I ended up sending a four page document with all of my compulsions and then examples related to them - which led then to, I would say, a fair sized portion of confessing. I was somewhat aware of what I was doing, but at the same time just couldn't stop myself blurting everything out of my head. It didn't help that doing the homework was really emotional and it got to the point where, rather than go through it and take out the detail, I just wanted to submit it and be able to not look at it again until my next session. But I'm going to acknowledge that first in the next session and say I am aware I did this and I shouldn't, so that he is on the same page as me in how I/we don't go down that road again. Oh yes, the doubting of even having OCD. I literally got a diagnosis of OCD and GAD and I'm still going around doubting it. On the one level I want to laugh at the ridiculousness, on the other it's like 'someone give me a break!'. But, I'm making the decision that this is OCD. That's the key thing.

As a relatively new user (approx 9 months now) I completely agree with you @taurean. I was at my wits end before I found this forum. And suffering in silence for over 25 years with no idea why I was the way I am. I used to describe myself as 'having a monster in my head' and I wasn't saying that to make a joke either. Now I'm in CBT - still feeling the ups and downs of it all, as I guess must of us do each day - but feeling for the first time in my life I understand the 'monster in my head' and that I now have the chance to change things. Thank you for everyone who has played a part in the forum and charity. You do make such a difference.

Hi @PolarBear and @dksea Thank you both for taking the time to give me some advice on this. @PolarBear - yes, good shout. Exposure and response prevention. I did know it's two parts, and was being a bit lazy in my typing here. My compulsions are all pretty much mental - rumination, mental checking, avoidance, testing etc. So I've mostly focused on things I've been avoiding since this started and trying to sit without the thoughts and not doing those - with varying degrees of success. You're right, practice is key. I'm trying and have been keeping a diary marking the date of each exposure and what it was. I'll be honest I'm really nervous about what you've said r.e. cranking it up. I get it, but a) I'm not sure how to crank it up as such i.e. the things I can do and b) I guess - where does the cranking up end? How do you know once you've gone as far as you need to? Although I think I just worked it out as I typed it - not being affected by the OCD thought - DOH! But yes, thanks for the food for thought. It has made me realise that I will need to talk this through more deeply with my therapist. I think we're due to talk it through in the next session, as we ran over with my previous one and ran out of time. I will aim to write my obsessions down this week, as part of this, and see how I go. I've started trying to dip my toe in the water of doing more 'active' things as it were, rather than just watching tv shows i've avoided for almost two years, but writing down the obsessions is a big one and very much something I feel anti-doing, so clearly that is something to try and beat. @dksea - thank you for this kind post. Your cold analogy is great and it's ridiculous in a way how I'm struggling to allow myself to think the same of my mental health. One of the things that seems to be cropping up in my CBT so far is that - on the surface level - I can totally see the logic of everything about intrusive thoughts/OCD and how it works and why rationally everything i'm fearing and/or doing is just silly really. Instinctively though, I'm finding it hard to let myself make that leap of faith, which I guess is playing into these fears of 'what bad thing does feeling ok mean?' and 'am I just making this up?'. I saw on another post that you responded to where you said that ultimately you have to make a decision about treating this as OCD. As scary as it feels, the one thing I keep trying to remind myself is that this all started when I was about 8 years old. Develop horrid intrusive thoughts, feel awful, confess and seek reassurance - a classic OCD pattern. At 8 years old there was no way there could have been anything to influence me into just making up this was OCD - in fact, it hadn't even entered my world that it could be OCD until about 9 months ago. This is the thing i'm holding onto in order to make the decision that this is OCD (and then whatever influence GAD plays as well, as this also was diagnosed by my therapist). I'm seeing this as a line in the sand - a chance to rewire my mind and mindset, so I will factor in what you have said about gradual recovery and feeling better actually being a good thing! Thank you both again so much. Cashew.

Hi folks, I’m just under two weeks in to trying to do exposures. Naturally, my heart sank when doing exposures came up in my therapy although I knew doing it was going to be inevitable. Me and my therapist haven’t really talked doing exposures through properly in our sessions yet, although we are due to, and in the meantime he has said to try and invite the thoughts and sit with them as well as doing things I’d usually avoid. Most of my exposures so far have been watching television programmes I’d been avoiding and watching/reading content related to my current themes. This feels like its getting easier, although that also worries me because a) should it be getting easier so soon and b) what does it getting easier mean?! I should add that ever since I’ve had my OCD/GAD diagnosis I feel worried that I’m just making this all up and exaggerating how I feel, or putting it on etc etc - latching onto a diagnosis that isn’t true. I have tried a couple of times to invite the thoughts and sit with them but am finding that this is very hard. I feel reticent doing this as it feels very active whereas just watching something is quite a passive act. I imagine inviting the thoughts is the proper type of exposure however... When I think about trying to invite thoughts, I find myself even finding it hard to remember what thoughts to focus on in that moment. I feel very nervous at writing the thoughts down (although I did this for one earlier) so I have a prompt for when my mind blanks - could this also be a really sneaky form of avoidance?!! The other issue is retaining the thought in my mind so I can sit with it. I find it hard to focus and for my brain to not drift into other thoughts. Naively I think, prior to CBT, I was thinking that I was doing better with not engaging with thoughts whereas I’m now starting to think that maybe I was actually pushing them out of my mind much more than I realised. Does anyone have some advice on how they’ve worked through exposures? Thank you very much X

Hi @ParisM Welcome to the forum! I've discovered this place in June of last year - when I began to realise that my problems were OCD. Fast forward to today and I've just had an official OCD diagnosis, after starting CBT treatment. This forum has been a really integral place for me over the last few months. There are many people on here who are so generous and whose advice has been so invaluable. To echo other comments, I'm 33 and have been suffering with OCD since I was under 10 years old so many of us can relate to how you feel and you're not alone. Good luck with your next steps - I hope this forum is as helpful to you as it has been for me.

I'm like you too in that my struggles with this theme very much revolve around how I've felt secure in my sexuality my whole life and now it suddenly feels a whole ball of confusing and just not in sync with who I am, rather than any ill-intent to the LGBT+ community. I've started doing exposures literally this week, after starting my CBT treatment last week. When I saw your post this morning, I initially went 'oh I better not click on that link as I don't want it to trigger me' and then I realise I was doing a compulsion by avoiding it. So, I clicked on your link and I read the article. Whilst I felt considerably uneasy reading it, I was surprised by that reading it wasn't as anxiety-inducing as I feared it would be, and at the moment all I can put that down to is the tiny bit of other exposure I've done so far. As I said, it wasn't easy, but not as bad as I had thought it was going to be. So I agree very much with @Angst, I think the key for both of us is taking small steps to expose ourselves to things like this and then let the thought be - don't engage with them after. Easier said than done, I know, and I feel terrified at the thought of exposures, but one tiny step at a time is what I keep telling myself. I did another exposure earlier on this afternoon (something different) which actually made me feel pretty bad so it's probably going to be an up and down process too, rather than a clear cut line, but again I think it's just tiny steps. I think the question about if you have access to therapy is a good one too. It probably would be helpful to try and combat your OCD with a professional, rather than trying to do it by yourself. I hope you're feeling okay!

Hi @malina, I hope it's not too late to feed into this, and for it to *possibly* be useful. Woah, a lot of what you've written here is so much like me! This could very easily be a post written by me. Two initial things that stand out, and then one suggestion too: 1) One of the things that has come up in my CBT treatment (second appointment in now, but this came up in the first) was the idea of perfectionism. I might not be saying anything here that you're not already aware of, or have considered, but might there be an issue with perfectionism in this here at all for you? You talk of the high standards you set yourself (which sound so high and then you seem quick to berate yourself for not meeting them)? My therapist highlighted perfectionism as a factor in various areas of my OCD and basically said to me that I have to work on learning that the pursuit of perfectionism is tiring and unachievable and that the important thing to learn is 'good enough is good enough'. You sound like someone who is trying so hard to make this work and taking so much responsibility (I appreciate the point you're making about the lack of help with managing this project) and yet all that happens is you seem to be focusing on the negatives and that in itself is then becoming this thing that beats you up and makes your self-esteem feel like poo.... 2) This thing with perfectionism could be a thing, because you sound like someone who is highly conscientious and, from what I have read, both OCD and perfectionism tend to really hurt the people who actually give a d*mn* about things - which is such a cruel irony, but maybe another reason why being kinder to yourself is crucial at this moment?! As a perfectionist, I know what i'm saying is so much easier said than done! 3) My other suggestion, and I don't know if it will help or how practical it might be, but have you looked into any training (perhaps through work) you can do around assertiveness skills, or even negotiation skills and influencing skills? Again, an area I struggle with (driven a lot by my self-confidence not being great) but I was able to do some training workshops through a job, which has helped - not solved the problem - but has given me some starting points, tools and tips and whilst suddenly not the likes of Alan Sugar, I have been able to implement these skills much more successfully in my work. And be kind to yourself, I don't think most people are born with these skillsets - we all need the chance to learn and grow, so possibly if you are able to give yourself the chance to develop these skills, then this learning might also naturally feed into the situation, and help to improve both it (future career stuff) and hopefully have a knock on, positive, effect with how you feel about yourself. As a sign off, I reckon that you are probably your own worst self-critic too. Whilst I can see there are issues that need to be dealt with in what you're facing - at least it might be that how you see yourself performing in it could be that you are seeing yourself in a much more negative light than others actually are. Good luck with this. As I said I feel like this post could have so easily been written by me so I get it! Wishing you all the best!

Hi @PolarBear, @snowbear and @Handy, I'm sorry for the length of time it has taken to get back to you all. I've found the last few weeks a bit of an emotional ringer and to be honest have found I've not been able to interact in the forum in any meaningful way until now. I just wanted to thank you for your input on this. I've utilised the advice you've given me. Had my second treatment appointment today and despite what I said in the last post about how my therapist wouldn't commit to this being OCD, well today I was actually given an OCD diagnosis along with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. He had me fill in a questionnaire about worry this week, which I scored highly on. Up to this point, I was scoring under the threshold on a questionnaire which indicated OCD, but the combination of the two together meant that he was able to see that my OCD is driven by mental compulsions rather than behavioural things that are obvious to see as they physically happen. Maybe it was a specific process he had to go through in order to 'officially' diagnose, as I had spoken to him about how I really thought this to be OCD after coming across various info and this forum last summer, but then I didn't realise he'd also come back and say it was co-morbid with GAD, although it makes sense. Still finding myself feeling more at the end of 'red raw' on the emotional vulnerability scale currently, but I'm early days into my CBT treatment (second treatment appointment today) and I know what you've said @snowbear is true about how it's going to feel as I go through this so just holding onto that and that at the very least I have a firm step now - which is this dianosis - to build on from with my treatment. Stupid thing is, that even though I have been given this diagnosis, I still find myself doubting that this is OCD (and now GAD too) but I remember from an earlier conversation with @PolarBear the irony that doubting I have OCD is a sympton in itself. Nonetheless I am going to take that leap of faith that I've sometimes recommended to others on the forum that they need to take, and practice my own preachings! Thank you again for your help, guys!

Hi everyone, I had my first CBT session today (the review appointment ahead of starting treatment in a couple of weeks) It feels like a milestone and at the start of the session when I said I believed I had OCD my therapist said he agreed based on the notes he had read. Slightly confusing at the end as I asked if if I could say ‘what I have is OCD and treat it like that moving forward’ and he wasn’t hesitant as such, but said how hard it was to have absolute certainty over things. we had spoken a lot in the appointment about what seems to be a very clear pattern of being unable to deal with uncertainty so I can understand why perhaps he was like he was at the end. During and after the session has been very emotional and I’m still feeling quite raw at the moment, but trying to keep my chin up. The thing I wanted to ask though is about this: I have such a sense of ‘there is so much I need to tell my therapist - about past events, details to illustrate situations and my problems’. I feel a slight panic in missing stuff out that could be something he really needs to know. Now I know that CBT isn’t about revealing my entire history, so I need to get my head around that. Secondly, very conscious that confessing is a huge compulsion of mine and I am already aware of the urge to want to reveal more details about one of my OCD themes in our next session. Bear in mind, we covered it extensively today and in my heart I know there is nothing more he can say about that particular theme - it would be basically repeating himself but with me giving a different example to him. I’m wondering how people going/ who have gone through CBT balance this? How do you make sure you feel like you’ve told everything you need and cope with being ok if you miss out small details, which might seem key? Also if anyone like me struggles with confessing then how do you talk openly about this stuff without going into a compulsion? The fact I’m sat here trying to plan for our next session and how Im not going to confess further details on the example mentioned surely means I’ve fed into that compulsion right?

Hi @Hels40, I can understand how upsetting your boyfriend’s comments would have been, even if they were meant in a supportive way. I’ve found it hugely unsettling to be questioning something about the core of who I am when I had felt completely secure in my sexuality before that. A possible suggestion is whether or not you talk about any of this with your boyfriend moving forward? I say this for two reasons - a) if you’re not sharing this with your boyfriend - and know you want to be with him - then it possibly muddies the water less and will mean comments questioning your sexuality from him will not be a factor you have to contend with, alongside the existing instrusive thoughts. b) and this is the main reason I stopped talking to my boyfriend about this - I identified that confessing to him had become one of my compulsions, so it would give me temporary relief but didn’t stop new spikes. That’s something you’ll need to weigh up, and I appreciate how daunting the idea of keeping this all to yourself may feel so I would still say you perhaps need to look at help you can get to manage these new thoughts in a better way. I self referred - I think its called IAAPT - rather than going through a GP. Just had my first CBT session today after about 8 months on the waiting list. During that 8 month wait I read this forum a lot taking note of the advice given by different users across all of the different posts and read a few of the different books recommended by other users on here to educate myself more (you may not need to do this as you sound more clued up than me - I didnt realise I had OCD until mid last year). I know 8 months seems like a long time - in reality the time has passed quickly - but you could also look into private therapy - I think the OCD-UK team could recommend therapists if you need. It might also be helpful if you keep a note of when you notice spikes occuring. My theme came about a few weeks before moving in together and then have been particularly bad on key events eg birthdays, anniversaries. You might be able to identify particular triggers you have which will hopefully help you prepare for, and manage, any future spikes. I hope this helps in a small way - remember that you can always say ‘this question doesn’t need answering today’.

Hi @Ashley, Thanks for your reply. Im sorry for my delayed one. i really appreciate you reaching out and to be honest Im not sure I have an answer. I think i was freaked out by the coincidence of it all. Having a panic attack related to this form of OCD I have and then finding the link to this person and my boyfriend. I became afraid that perhaps this was significant??!! It’s a freaky thing to happen out of the blue or it felt so at the time

Hi @Hels40, I have a very similar theme after watching a tv soap episode about a year into my relationship with my boyfriend which planted the intrusive thought that I am gay and in denial, so I sympathise. From what I’ve read on here, it does seem that accepting the uncertainty is key, although really hard to deal with. I’m also going through CBT to help so it might be worth looking into? Some of the best advice I’ve got from here is a) trying to accept the uncertainty and b) when that’s feeling impossible and perhaps you’re finding yourself ruminating or another compulsion then allow yourself to say ‘this is a question which doesn’t need to be answered right now’. this has helped me but I still have a way to go. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you love your boyfriend very much. I love mine incredibly too and just before this thought pattern struck had never felt happier in my life. Others have advised that OCD attacks the things that mean the most to us so this might be advice worth bearing in mind too. I hope you’re okay x

Sorry for the late reply but thanks for your help @malina @Caramoole @PolarBear