Savy

Yeah I have ruminated on some other ******** thoughts like this in the past and I can look back on them that way now.

Of course

Yeah they don't feel wrong in the moment.. it's that exact feeling which kickstarted my OCD in the first place. Lately, I've been getting breif feelings that life doesn't matter and it wouldn't matter if I were to uh kms cause I wouldn't pay no mind to it being dead and all. When I feel that I have reached some sort of conclusion or satisfaction with these thoughts, my mind reminds me of how I only feel this way because I'm alive and wired to feel that way. I keep trying to disprove or like cancel out that mindset in my head through rumination. It's really dreadful stuff! I hope I don't dive into some suicidal obsession, I don't think I could handle that.

What gets to me is that people with OCD are supposed to know their thoughts are wrong, right? It feels like I genuinely don't know the awnser and that's scary

Rumination has always been a big one....

I am currently feeling like it doesn't matter if I die or if anyone else does, then obsessively trying to figure out why it does matter with excessive rumination cause I don't want to have this mindset. When I feel like I have found some sort of awnser, I get confused again because I think "you only feel that life matters because you're alive" Cause it wouldn't matter to me if I were dead. I guess I've always kind of had this problem, it ties in with the classic harm OCD I used to have. I remember a couple years ago when I was terrified of becoming a killer and eventually began think to myself "what's wrong with killing" and just ruminate on that on and on again. So, despite how rational the thoughts feel, how confused I may be about these questions of mine, or even if do believe life doesn't matter, it was all just OCD? What the f*ck.

These thoughts that randomly pop up in my head and confuse me.. I agree with them, and ruminate on them to try and disprove them the point of diving into a repetitive depressive episode. I was doing so well lately and then boom, I am going through it again. I am currently seeking therapy.. y'know, cause I certainly can't live with this **** so I might as well try to get help. Also, I'm thinking I want to try Luvox.. it might do something, idk.

I was doing so well. I mean, I was still depressed/exhausted all the time, but I wasn't ruminating much at all. I can live with that. Every now and then my mental health gets really bad and it's unbearable. I've been wanting to do the same sh*t (compulsions) I've been doing in 2020 all day and yesterday. I gotta stay strong or I could easily fall in the cycle again. I still feel rather mentally unstable though. It's a feeling I deal with every once in awhile but I probably shouldn't ignore it. It's not normal. If anyone is wondering how my treatment is going, I stopped. The lady I was seeing has made mistakes and I didn't feel comfortable seeing her anymore. She started me off with a high dossage of prozac by accident. I was going to go in and tell her about it and the fact that I was taking drugs without therapy was enough reason to stop going, but I also felt an intense amount of anxiety just from the idea of seeing her again because I told her everything that was going on in the last appointment.. It was sh*tty on my part, but I ghosted her. After that, I wasn't doing to bad, I had my days and night fixed and I've rarely done and goggling or ruminating, but today has been god awful. Here's to hoping I can somehow get by all this mental stuff.

I'm very depressed right now and I just want someone to talk to, yet I can't even focus and put the right words together to explain how i'm feeling..

I need some guidance here, what kind of therapist should I look for these particular issues?

Looking back at my past thoughts and actions, I can see that I've clearly dealt with OCD. However, there's one thing that my mind does that I can't seem to wrap my head around. I haven't seen anyone else talk about the same exact problem either which concerns me. I ruminate a LOT these days, it's a terrible habbit of mine, but it's not the same kind of rumination you may be thinking about. I get a thought and it genuinely confuses me. It's usually about why simple things are the way they are. I ponder on it, analyzing every little detail I can so I can better understand whatever thing I thought about the way I want to. It usually just ends up confusing me even more and so I obsess over it and never reach any good conclusion. I have had obsessive thoughts like why we love and what's the point of it, why we feel guilt and care for others, why music makes sense to us, and even worse ones justifying, incest, and pedophilia. However, these thought never bothered me that much and I eventually got over them and think what a sane person should think regarding those topics. What has always stuck with me is the thought that death/murder doesn't matter because the person won't care when they're dead, which is a horrible mindset to have. I ask myself why it's wrong to make sure i'm thinking the right way but it's like I genuinely don't know the awnser. I really don't want to think like this, so I ruminate and analyze that thought in my head to try and logically disprove it without any luck. I have no doubt that OCD plays a role in this somehow cause I used to have really bad anxiety about becoming a serial killer but things feel a bit different now, I feel like I've become a psychopath! I don't know what to call this and what help I should be looking for.

Not even a therapist... I haven't gotten one yet, I went to see her for a diagnosis

Like she might ask me what I mean by "it's like I don't know what's wrong with murder anymore" and I have no idea how to awnser that. This will be on my record permanently.

Ugh, it's bothering me again. I can't sleep. I feel an insane amount of regret right now.

Just had my appointment and gave the lady a paper explaining all my issues and i'm scared that she's going to read it and think i'm a danger to society and get me locked up or something! I don't want to be seen as someone whose as risk to harm others but my OCD has centered around harm for years now and I hate it. She said I was gine and tha she'll read over ot later but i'm so worried that she my say it isnt OCD and my life is going to be ruined. Idk, i'm hella uncomfortable about all this. This is what I gave her: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e-8gxBGjg2wuni6eC_7lPWgCC4K-RhC0z4dCwwjcams/edit?usp=drivesdk

Also, I've only really told her about my past, haven't really touched up on what's been going throught my head today.

No. Actually now that I think about it, it's kind of weird that I was given drugs before I found a therapist? I don't know, I feel like I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't think I want to just blindly take these meds...

They put me on FLUoxetine. Not really up for taking it but we'll see what it does, I guess. Anyone have any experiences with it?

Well, I don't know if you could call it therapy, I saw a psychologist and we're going to get more in depth about my OCD next week, then I'll look into some therapy. This is some scary stuff but other than that, I guess the last appointment wasn't bad.

I'm starting to recognize it as OCD more, though I can't say I don't have my doubts at all. This is still very troubling to deal with...

You do bring up some good points and for that, thank you.

I start to recognize that but then I think I can't find arguments against these thoughts because they're true.

How do I even find the right words to describe how I've been feeling? I've rambled on and on again about this supposed OCD I have yet I feel like my explanation of what I'm going through is very poor. Well, I'll be going on another rant once again just to organize my thoughts, I guess? Gonna be a bit of a challenge to explain this. It seems like I don't know what's with murder anymore. I can't help but focus on that idea about me. I've had some pretty messed up thoughts before regarding things like pedophilia, incest, whatever, but for some reason, these thought revolving around murder have always had my attention. For awhile now, I've always felt like I need analyze these thoughts and try to get myself to understand why it's so bad because here's the thing, I don't understand, and that needs to be fixed so I constantly ruminate. The thoughts currently bothering me is my confusion about why does life matter if we aren't going to remember anything anyways. I will analyze this over and over again by thinking about how it was just nothing before I was born and it didn't affect me therefore I wouldn't have the compacity to care in death. People say "live for the experience" but what good is that experience if we're all just gonna forget it one day anyways? With that thought, I will imagine how there could be a good memory I don't remember in the slightest and how I just don't care and try to find the positive in how at least I got to experience it before I forgot, seeing death much like forgetting things since in theory, we just cease to exist once our time is up. This all ties in with the thought that It doesn't matter if someone dies because they won't care or feel anything afterwards. I struggle to logically disprove these thoughts on the daily. I desperately want to see the value in life and feel human again, but it seems that my efforts are pointless. Knowing this, it's still hard to stop these horrible habits of rumination. Though, if I could stop ruminating on other thoughts before, then I should be able to break this cycle, right? Say, what is the limit for how real OCD can feel? These thoughts of mine genuinely confuse me so it's not like I necessarily disagree with them as OCDers do. It's not like I entirely doubt that OCD has a role in all this but it's hard to tell in the moment. I barely even have the anxiety aspect of it these days and it really feels as though I'm some sort of psychopath. It's kind of ironic isn't it? I used to be so terrified of loosing my sanity but now it seems that those fears have became true. (My FBI agent was definitely reading along as I typed this spiel and now he's very very concerned, LMAO.)

I'm kind of nervous. I'm not to sure on how to explain myself.

Aye, I just wanna update you guys.... I have an appointment on March 11th, wish me luck!