MarieJo

Very similar for me, I used to think the same. One time I actually thought it about a woman at work, the next day she wasn't in so I thought "maybe I really did it and can't remember" the next thing she walks in, she was just delayed, i still remember that relief (how messed up is that). I used to have intrusive thoughts about pushing someone under a train or throwing my baby into the sea. I would think "what's stopping me" "I could if I wanted to". I honestly thought I was evil. Do you know what stops us? The fact we do not want to. It's all anxiety . Ironically my biggest theme my whole life is keeping my kids safe and fear someone will hurt them or they will get ill. This proves my fear of hurting them was just anxiety My mind never switches off either. I even have OCD and anxiety in my dreams sometimes. Knowing I have OCD and acceptance that that is my issue really helped me. Just the knowledge that I have a disorder was the biggest help in my recovery. Do you accept you have OCD? It sounds like you're not convinced? If that's so, it's probably why you're still analytical of why you have the bad thoughts.

Not sure there is an answer Phil to be honest. You just know deep down if you are, there's no "good person test". I suppose what you're eluding to is "how can I be sure I am not bad/evil or mad because I keep thinking awful stuff?". The fact that it bothers you and makes you write on here shows you do not like the thoughts. As you know intrusive thoughts are extremely common in OCD. Not engaging or analysing them is great, it certainly helps massively, but doesn't mean they will ever go away completely. Like you, I have had OCD most of my life and consequently had most themes, including harm. I have never harmed anyone and I am 50, I am sure you haven't either, our OCD and obsessions change/morph, they cause fear, upset, doubt, disgust. All this points to our OCD. It's not called the doubters disease for nothing, so doubting you're a good person and wanting clarity is part of the same. I struggle with most things in life as I crave and need certainty but of course life isn't at all obliging. This is why we struggle. Try not to spend any more time working out if you're really a good person or not as this sounds likeva compulsion to me and as we know compulsions keep the vicious circle going.

So, I have had OCD since a young age, around 10. I think my mum has it too to some extent, or maybe just health anxiety. I worry and obsess about the well-being and safety of my loved ones and am obsessed with keeping them safe, especially my kids, 2 of which are young adults. I have had health OCD around my kids quite badly but have managed to get on top of it. I still struggle with obsessions and ruminating when they go out socially or away in holiday without me, though, and check up on them loads which causes anxiety and I am annoying to them at times. My eldest has got a sore throat at the moment and a cough. My mum messaged me to ask how we all are. I said all ok but 21 year old is ill. Mum says "oh he was ill about a month ago, he's been looking pale, get him a blood test". My mum had me up the doctors loads as a kid and when my kids were babies had me taking them quite a bit too. Scaring the life out of me. I used to google symptoms and almost faint with fear. My gp told me to stop and to trust my instincts. I managed to stop and felt better for it. Now mum has said to get him a blood test my chest is full of panic, and I feel sick now I am thinking what if I don't tell him to do this and something bad happens, i would be to blame, then I think its just a cough and sore throat there's lots of viruses about calm down woman. Anyone got an advice? Anyone have someone close the them that makes recovery very difficult? I now feel awful.

Thank-you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I have felt pretty low all day I must say. Who knew there would be so many ND people in one household . Hopefully things will improve. I do tend to see things as catastrophic as us OCD sufferers often do.

Thank you for responding. I did mention counselling yesterday but he said no. Maybe he will change his mind. Not sure if he does have mild autism or if mu cranky ocd behaviour his whole life has moulded him into who he is. I have do many emotions going on right now.

I don't know where to start. I have suffered with OCD since about age 8. Never knew what it was until I was in my early 40s. Had most themes. I also have GAD. Some of my issues are due to my childhood, some I think genetic as my parents both have traits, especially my mum. I have always been an overprotective mum, especially surrounding my eldest. When he was born my OCD and GAD was through the roof. He is ridiculously bright. As a toddler he would ask questions of an 8 year old, so knowledgeable about science. His vocabulary vast, his memory amazing. Also extremely talented at all sports. Football crazy. District champion in 800 m, played football ️ for an academy, cricket, rugby the lot. However, he always struggled in areas where others didn't. He started showing OCD traits age 4. Kept washing his hands, was obsessed with germs and would not touch food before eating so would put his mouth to the food. Then he stopped eating and had a fear of swallowing and choking. I took him to see a counsellor and they helped him. His social awkwardness continued, I just thought he was shy. He's always been very, very self conscious. Anyway there's too much to put in here but in summary, he got into the 4th or 5th best university on earth and studied biology getting a 2:1. He tried, but not that hard, which is a theme in everything he does. He got A*s in all his GCSEs and A levels again not even really trying. Wonderful you might think. Lucky him. But no he's not lucky at all. He's struggling to get a job after uni. He spoilt his graduation ceremony by being nasty to me because he felt so awkward. I ended up crying He's never had a girlfriend but wants one, he told me yesterday that he feels on the outside yet again of his friendship group, boys he's known for years, he can't do small talk, he never knows what to say, he never randomly starts conversations or texts his mates. he does badly in interviews, etc. He told me he wants a girlfriend so I said to go online but he says he takes ugly photos (he doesn't). It breaks my heart this negative self image. He was bullied at the football academy for being quiet and I saw a big change in him after this too. I feel this plays a role but he won't open up. He has never shown much emotion, apart from anger, but i thought it was just his character but he disclosed yesterday that it bothers him, his lack of the ability to feel things. I have thought for a while he has mild autism. Does this sound feasible? Anyway I googled the lack of feeling emotion and one of the things it said was "linked to suicide". You can imagine how this has affected my ocd. I have asked him if he's depressed and he says no, but maybe he is and does not know it. Nothing motivates him though or excites him, he has no drive. I feel so sad for him and want to make it all OK On top of this my daughter was identified as having ADHD which I missed too. I feel like a failure like I have missed my daughter's issues and I feel like my ocd had impacted my son as I smothered him his whole life through fear of harm coming to him. Now I think I really did harm him. He told me yesterday that he thought he was "weird". It's really hurting me. Not even sure what I want from this post. Maybe just to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading

Thank you for responding. I do have OCD. I have been diagnosed with it and had it since childhood. The posting on social media that gets me anxious isn't my commenting on other people's post but me creating my own posts. I get paranoid that I am boring people or that others are talking about me, do delete my posts. Not sure why I keep repeating the behaviour though.

Thanks for answering. It's causing me lots of unnecessary anxiety but I don't seem to be able to stop using fb. It's definitely a habit. The posting thing then deleting after say an hour is odd isn't it. I don't post terribly personal stuff either. I just feel almost as if I do it against my will. That's why I wondered if others with OCD overshare then feel exposed and self conscious.

The checking and then doubting yourself so re checking (the reading/researching) does sound like OCD. As does the anxiety reducing only to come back. There's a fine line with researching. For example, I suffer with OCD around the wellbeing and safety of my loved ones so when my mum or son, etc, get a headache say, I have to stop myself researching the symptoms as for me it's a compulsion and it makes my anxiety go through the roof and fuels my OCD. However, my researching some of the thoughts I had/have, some of my reactions, how I feel and my behavioural patterns led me to discover I had OCD. I later got an official diagnosis, so that research was helpful in my recovery.

Talking about how you feel isn't a compulsion in my opinion, it's very helpful to talk about how you're feeling and confiding in people. Feeling the need to "confess" or seeking reassurance is more problematic though. You certainly can have GAD and OCD. I think my GAD is actually worse than Mt OCD nowadays. Both disorders can overlap. I started on setraline but stopped taking them. I personally find forums and researching OCD has been the biggest help for me in my recovery. Understanding the disorder and accepting I am not bad or mad or alone was a life saver for me. I have tried CBT three times. I only found it mildly helpful if I am honest. GAD is very hard to overcome as the title states, it's just anxiety about so many things. I find it so hard to relax snd like you think of the worst case scenarios and doom and gloom more than I should. Mindfulness and meditation are helpful. Living in the moment and being aware of your breathing and surroundings is very calming.

I think most ocd sufferers do, or have, suffered, with spiralling and out of control thoughts. It's the nature of the beast that is OCD. Intrusive thoughts are extremely common and feeling we cannot control or understand our thoughts or reactions to them. From reading your post it's hard to know if it is OCD or General Anxiety Disorder or depression or all of those. I suffer with OCD and GAD. I feel anxious to some level pretty much of all the time. It's really awful and it gets you down, which in turn makes you feel a bit depressed. At times I feel like I cannot get out of bed, or out of my car but I do. Worries and fears usually feel more overwhelming at night too, that's common. It exhausting feeling anxious Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? Have you been to the GP?

Hi. From my experience of going through this twice, the very first call is just very basic, asking not much tbh, you usually fill in a few questionnaires each session...one to detect mood related to depression, an ocd questionnaire and i had to do a General anxiety form too, then they talk about the service just outlining what to expect..ie how many sessions, that you will have CBT etc. Then the call after that you go into a bit more detail about your issues. You get homework to do often too. Good luck

Not sure if this issue is OCD related or not but I seem to have a habit of posting lots on social media but then being uncomfortable that I have so then hiding or deleting my posts. Then I tell myself I won't post again for a while but then do it again a day or two later. It makes me feel exposed, self conscious and anxious when I post but I keep doing it. Not sure if it's a compulsion or not. Can anyone relate? I want to stop going on fb so much in general too as it makes me feel anxious as well as annoyed/angry/upset sometimes. It does have positives for me too but on the whole I want to reduce my time on it.

Thanks Bev for the wise words as ever. You're completely right. I need to back off. It's do hard for us parents. As my ocd makes me obsess with my children's safety and wellbeing it is so difficult for me to watch my kids make mistakes or take risks but logically I know I cannot keep on being the way I am as it makes me feel unhappy, drained and unappreciated.

Hiya. I have OCD and GAD. I moved out with my then boyfriend now husband aged 27. I was really excited to get my own place but felt uneasy for about a month or so in my new home. I felt nauseous for weeks. Felt like someone had died (probably my childhood as i was leaving my parents) I hate change.it did settle down though snd I was fine. We left that home after 3 years to our current home, which is bigger and in a better area, again I was excited to move but again it took me ages to settle. Felt the sick feeling again. It lasted about a month again. In summary I think you may feel uneasy for a bit and anxious but it will settle down. Good luck

Thank you. Yes a message from someone similar does help and I appreciate it. My daughter has actually taken out a gym membership recently so hopefully that will help. She cannot go part-time though as it isn't an option at her company. I doubt also that the extra time she would have would make any difference anyway,it's her attitude. I think the key is for me to step away and let her make her own mistakes and live her life. It's not fair though to ask me for support then throw it in my face. What you say about our age and looking after our parents and kids is do true. I feel like my parents like needy children too at times and I feel put upon and taken for granted too at times. I don't know any more what I enjoy or how to look after my own happiness

Thanks for responding. I do have friends but only a few so I have not always got options to go out and do fun tthings. I really need to start putting myself first though.

There is only one way this ongoing obsession will stop for you. That is to stop ruminating. I have had this very obsession..being a paedophile and having intrusive thoughts that I am a danger to my kids when they were small. At one time I was contemplating suicide as I would rather die than be what I feared I was. It made me ill. Thus was before my OCD diagnosis. When I realised I had OCD it really helped and when I ignored the intrusive thoughts they went away completely. For years now those ones have stayed away. I still struggle with OCD but in another area that I cannot get a grip of so I am not underestimating how much you're struggling or hurting but please stop trying to work it all out, it makes no sense because you're not a paedophile you have OCD.

For those who have not spoken to me before I have had OCD since childhood. Had every theme except contamination. The obsessions that give me the most misery are the wellbeing of my kids (2 now grown up). I struggle when they go out at night especially my 21 year old son, in case he gets beaten up. My 19 year old daughter recently got informally diagnosed with ADHD. I never saw it coming but after messing up her A levels and a few other issues she broke down and told me of her long-term struggles. Looking back there were many indicators but I missed them all. She constantly under performed at school, was bad at time and money management, incredibly forgetful, untidy etc etc. When it all came out I took her to the gp and she had some initial assessments which indicates she has ADHD as suspected. My daughter sobbed and when I said I would support her she was so grateful and said she felt lots better and lighter and agreed she needed support. As you can imagine this triggered my OCD and my feelings of guilt. I always take on too much personal responsibility so as a mum felt terrible. I cried for days. She has now got herself a fantastic job in the city, great pay, great perks, great prospects but now she's complacent yet again and the bad habits are creeping in. Being late, not prioritising her work exams, spending her large salary on going out and clothes and not saving enough cash to get to work etc. She wanted my support when it all went wrong before but now resents me trying to get her up and out on time in the morning, asking if she has exams/revision etc. She's started to be really nasty to me, swearing at me, saying I am annoying, draining and that's why I have no friends etc. I am not innocent as I lose my temper and say nasty stuff back, unfortunately. I am just trying to help her and support her like agreed but I am being made to feel like a monster and it's triggering and making my anxiety bad. Last night I dreamt my parents were getting divorced (I am 51 lol they are 75) how ridiculous but I felt like a vulnerable kid again. I am also getting an obsession back of my 14 year old getting run over and am trying to fight the compulsion of driving him to school each day. I keep imagining one of my loved ones dying. I always feel so misunderstood and neglected. I feel I love everyone too much and do not ever look after myself enough.

My intrusive thoughts were pretty much under control these past few years but for about a month they've been getting worse. I keep having thoughts of my son being hurt. I have never been ableto get rid of the crippling fear and anxiety when he goes out but i thought i had the images under control. I don't understand why they are back and so bad again

My GAD and OCD overlap a lot so are times I am not sure what I am dealing with. I do get intrusive thoughts and images at times when my kids go out and I do check on them loads, which is a compulsion. However, I don't predict that harm will come to my kids every time they go out, I just worry in case something bad happens and my stomach is in knots. I feel anxious quite often for no particular reason. I definitely have ocd but this particular issue does seem more anxiety based. I do agree with your observation regarding my therapists. I.dont think I have ever had the right ones. The first 2 had English as a second language so at times it was hard for me yo understand them or them me. When you're talking about such personal and painful issues it's even harder when there is a language barrier. The third therapist spoke very good English and had no strong accent to contend with but she was very young and newly qualified. She was very good but I didn't really feel the CBT was terribly effective. I actually found talking it through helped me more. I honestly do not believe I will ever be free of anxiety and ocd to some degree. I am just going to try to make small steps.

You're making perfect sense as always Malina. You're always incredibly perceptive yet show such empathy. I would forsake winning 100 million pounds on the lottery for having peace of mind and getting rid of anxiety, as would most of us. I have taken something from what Howard said too. I have focused my therapy on getting rid of OCD but maybe now my problem is more anxiety in this one specific area. Maybe I need to see an expert to get to the bottom of why I have this fear and talk through it..maybe CBT is not working for this reason. I have pretty much fought off and beaten OCD in most ways. I get intrusive thoughts but know now not to ruminate. I have intrusive thoughts of harming people but now know they're ocd rubbish and ignore them. They go quickly now. It's just this fear of my.loved ones dying or being hurt or ill I cannot combat. It feels so strong and I feel so vulnerable. You made so many great points all of you so thank.you x

Yes I have had CBT three times. No change in me really. 40 years of thinking a certain way is hard yo reverse. I was not too bad when they were on holiday but wanted them home and was counting the days. I still checked app and messaged a lot. It is a real fear that I have. Losing my loved ones..as I love my kids more than anyone else my obsession targets them. My ocd manifests in other ways. I have got a grip over 95% of my ocd but the debilitating fear when my kids are out and go off my radar is absolutely terrible. I feel real physical and mental anguish.

Thank you for your reply. Your advice is spot on but the problem I have is putting it into practice. I agree I need to concentrate on myself and let the kids go and spread their wings but my OCD and anxiety prevents me from being able to. I was avoiding social events as I wanted to be about to get my children from parties/pub but have got a bit better as I do at times accept invitations now. However I am usually panicking under the surface and texting the kids or checking the app to see if they're going out. If they are staying in I relax, of they're going out I am full of dread as I know I am going to be wide awake til silly o'clock. You have quite rightly picked up on how difficult many mothers find letting go. It's never really spoken about but to me it's the hardest part of motherhood. Maybe because I have anxiety and OCD but I really struggle with it. I know it's not fair on them to clip their wings. I am in between a rock and a hard place because I want them to have friends and have fun, I would hate for them to be lonely, on the other hand I only really feel happy and relaxed when they are safe at home Until I deal with this obsession that harm will or may come to my kids when they are out, I wont be able to concentrate on myself of gain any hobbies. My anxiety makes me feel physically unwell I feel sick, go light headed, get stomach cramps, sit on the loo, chest pains and palpitations it's extremely unpleasant

Hi. Thank you for replying. I am not sure what you mean by support. My husband is quite understanding but he doesn't really get it. My dad doesn't know I have these issues, I told my mum once but she hasn't really asked me about my ocd since. My eldest son is the most supportive but I interfere in his life and annoy him. So although he has empathy for me he finds me irritating and snaps at me a lot. Not really sure if I have support or not tbh. When my anxiety is bad I am not great to be around. My husband gets frustrated with me. He wants us to relax and enjoy Middle-age but I am mostly fretting about the kids, even though two are grown up. I don't think anyone really understands how I suffer. I have told a few people but I know they don't really understand it. It just never seems to improve. I don't really have any hobbies. I don't focus on myself for long enough to even know what I like. In fact I feel like i do not really enjoy anything.