Hi all
I am new to the forum, and talking to people about my OCD but having read so many supportive and inspirational messages on here I think it is time for me to also feel supported and part of the community.
I have had many variations of OCD since I was 15, starting with contamination being the earliest I can remember. Its been immensely draining and I really don’t know where the time has gone but it passes by. Every day is a new day and therefore new potential for a new obsessive thought to intrude my mind.
I had to seek help during lockdown as I just could not function, I have been on sertraline for over 6 months with very minimal success. I am currently on 200mg and only now I can feel the edge is taken off my anxiety.
I guess my issues are :
I know its OCD, I’ve had CBT and exposure therapy, also read loads of resources- I know what it is, but as I went for so long having no treatment and just thinking why am I so weird - no one else is like me. I feel stuck, I know its all irrational but it feels like the habit of neutralising with the compulsions is second nature.
I really do not know why my current rumination which has been the dominant thought for the past 5.5 years is even stuck? Its about my ex husbands new wife. Shes always in my head, my thoughts, I cant get her out unless I go through a variety of rituals which can take hours.
I cant function as a normal person ie: do chores, or start some work, or start a new task because if I do she will contaminate it and it will be ruined cursed destroyed. I cant look in the mirror as she will contaminate my face and I will then get acne. Then my face feels like she’s contaminated me.
I mean wow Ive never actually written that in such a simplistic way. I am married again and I have been afraid for the past 5 years she will ruin my relationship. Infect it, disease it, ruin it.
But Im the one who has ruined so much by not living, holding back, I feel like I use 20% of my brain because of her. I cant even put a wash on because she will infect my clothes and then when I wear them she will be present.
The more I think about it, I’ve no answer as to why I fear her so much. The only incident I can think of is she married my ex husband very soon after we separated, our marriage broke down as he was having an affair with someone else (not her). The next thing you know hes met his current wife (my source of fear) and she is defending him and his actions and she contacted me in response to something I put on social media about him saying that I will only know what it feels like when I have my own children- ie: what his parents have gone through as he is innocent etc, she believed his version of events over the facts. I do not have children as have not been able to conceive, is it because of her ill wishes towards me? I really do not know why I am so afraid of her when I have never physically spoken to her. Now I am seeking help, is it too late as I cannot shake off the habits of 5.5 years of this same thought.
any advice, thoughts would be very welcome.
thanks Kay
