Hels40

I personally wouldn't confess as it is compulsion and even if you get all this stuff out, it won't end there. You will need to confess again and so the cycle continues. I know it is torturous but like so many on this forum have said the problem is not your fantasies which are perfectly normal, it is the meaning you are attaching to them and the negative self talk about you as a person is putting you further down the rabbit hole. Every time you call yourself a pervert, disgusting etc you are pushing yourself further down. Just try next time to brush it off, fake it if you have to as every single time you do this your ocd loses power and you may feel just a bit better and he able to cope more. I hope you get therapy soon as it is the worst feeling waiting I know

The only monster here is ocd. Sexual fantasies are normal and there is no such thing as mentally cheating. Confessing, reassurance seeking are compulsions and they feed the ocd every single time. Sitting with that anxiety and need to confess is pure torture I know but it will start to diminish with time and when you know how to treat the ocd. Hang in there

Please hang in there. Yes this illness totally sucks but you have so much support here and you have done nothing wrong. I agree with others that the confessing is only adding fuel to the fire. Fantasies are always going to be a tricky convo to have with a partner and stir up insecurities but they are totally normal and healthy and your wife knows you have ocd so really needs to stop asking you to tell her about them. It is cruel when you are suffering so much already x

Thank you for your reply. I think you are right. I feel bombarded and like things are switching constantly and the ' threats' feel real. If it feels like ocd it probably is. The surge of anxiety and doubting. I will try writing them out. Thank you again!!!

Hello I have just completed a course of CBT for fears of my partner cheating and also doubting my sexuality. As ocd does it is trying to morph into something else now which I believe may be along the lines of moral scrupulosity but I am unsure as if is about my partner. For example I get quite fixated about whether he is a 'good person' and will our relationship work out. These obsessions have included assessing his views on racism, sexism etc and say because he once dated a married woman (while single), I doubt his moral code even though he says he feels so guilty about it. It feels like I want him to be this saint and perfect guy and look for 'evidence' that he is not. I thought this was all under the umbrella of relationship obsessions but actually wonder if this is more like moral scrupulosity but not so much on myself? I guess this is all ocd whatever it is and I just treat it like everything else but just wanted to see if others had dealt with this. Many thanks

Just an update. I just had an appointment with a new therapist. She was a lot more understanding but also said this form of ocd is uncommon. I am wondering now if this is due to the therapists with this service maybe not being as trained in ocd? I am going to give a few sessions a try anyway.

Thank you for your kind words. I received a call yesterday and have been offered an appointment next Thursday with a different therapist. Fingers crossed this goes a lot better! Will keep you posted. Thanks again x

I have just checked again and it was NHS service Therapy for You IAPT

Thank you so much. Your comments have really helped. It was just self referral through NHS. I am not too sure of the process. I think it is Health in Mind who I spoke to.

Thank you so much. My kids are on half term so I just couldn't be too upset!

Hi. Thanks Caramoole. This was a self referral through the NHS, I believe it was IAPT. I initially spoke to someone in January and explained how I had been feeling and then got my first appointment today with a cbt therapist. I didn't want to come on here with a negative experience but it was quite upsetting. I was just made to feel like no one ocd fears regarding relationships or sexuality. He said it is very uncommon! Which I know is not true.

Thanks so much Gemma for replying. I have calmed down a bit now and am really trying not to 'obsess' about the conversation and just write it off. I do totally understand that the therapist didn't mean any harm. I am thankful that I know enough about ocd to be able to see this. I am now back on the list and will wait to hear. Have had a bad couple of days generally with my thoughts so this just topped me over a bit! Thanks again.

Hello all I have just had my first appointment with a cbt therapist since self referring myself for Ocd and it didn't go too well. The therapist didn't seem to under Pure O at all, implied that maybe I needed to give my relationship 3 or 4 years as we had only been together a year after saying my obsessions were related to our relationship (regarding cheating fears and blowing up small flaws). He asked how our sexual relationship was and then when I tried to explain my sexuality ocd fears, he acted like he had never heard of that theme either. He also said that maybe I just have general anxiety rather than ocd and thrn asked if I had been abused in the past. I ended the call in tears and asked if I could be referred to someone more specialised in ocd. Has this ever happened to anyone before? I honestly felt like an alien and it has thrown up doubts I don't need. I has CBT 10 years ago and it was so beneficial. I won't let this destroy my day as I know I have ocd but it has made me quite wary of opening up now to someone else in case they don't understand me Thanks for listening

Just wanted to say good luck with your ERP today. I really hope it went OK! I also have the same theme of you and also had a light bulb moment when reading your post. I had also been separating the thoughts. Wishing all the best. Please let us know how it went xx

I definitely feel like not saying anything is the way to go now. As this is a relatively new relationship I feel it could really muddy the waters and I could fall into the trap of confessing every time I feel terrible like I did at the weekend and just make everything 100 times worse. I actually self referred myself today and already feel a lot better. I still carry a lot of shame about my ocd and my pride tells me I can muddle through but it has got steadily worse during lockdown. Private therapy isn't really an option right now financially but I am working through some books while I wait for treatment. I will definitely keep a note of the spikes that is a great idea. I also suffer with a lot of relationship intrusive thoughts and a fear of cheating (him on me) but the sexual identity theme seems so much more frightening right now. Am so pleased you are now getting some treatment. 8 months must have felt like a long time but will so be worth it!

Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear you have been experiencing this too. This definitely all started soon after when I met my boyfriend and I felt the happiest I have felt in a long long time. I love him so much and haven't felt this connection with anyone. The latest spike started soon after he met my kids for the first time and talking about plans to live together in the future. This week has been horrible since he says maybe I was in denial. My brain now tells me that must be true and if it is our relationship will be affected. Before this I was adopting a so what attitude to my thoughts and saying that I didn't need to answer this now which was helping a little. Did you go through your GP for CBT? Whatever the theme I know it needs to be treated as Ocd. Thanks again for answering xx

Hello. I have not been on this site for a long time. Have struggled with intrusive thoughts over the years on lots of different pure o themes mostly focused on my relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and am extremely happy with him. About 6 months ago I started to get intrusive thoughts and doubts that I may be bisexual as I told him about some fantasies and that I had momentarily looked at girl profiles on a dating site. As we have got more serious this theme has got stronger. I have held back on confessing and telling him how bad the thoughts have been but yesterday I broke down on front of him. He doesn't have much knowledge of ocd and said maybe it was a possibility I was in denial and that maybe I should chat to my lesbian friend. Well you can imagine how I have felt since then! It felt like my worst nightmare him saying those things and like maybe this isn't ocd. I know I need to sit with the fact that we can never know something 100% and sit with the thoughts but I am seriously struggling. Just wanted to vent and see if others have experienced this? I had cbt over 10 years ago and feel like I may need some more now! This relationship means everything to me and I hate the fact I am not enjoying it as much as I should. Thank you for listening