waifu

I feel like if i pursue art, that isn’t what God/the Universe intends for me and I will likely just fail so what’s the point of trying to revive the pleasures i get from stuff. I might as well just do nothing about my life. Why should I get a job if it’s guaranteed that I won’t have any desires, what would i use the money for? Now I’m also feeling very guilty when I wanna m*st*rbate or have any s*xual desires. I feel like i’m being forced to live simply and be a saint when I have dreams... I have since thrown away any books about divination and deleted every tarot app and I can’t stop googling if this is ocd or not.

Hello, so I just wanna know if what I’m experiencing is still OCD... I came here because I haven’t seen anyone with an ocd theme like mine and I’m freaking out. Back in 2019 was the onset of my ocd and I was prescribed APs and ADs. After 8 months, I weaned myself off because I’m an artist and i stopped getting any kick of inspiration, i’ll watch tv and feel flat, i’ll listen to music and it will sound like noise. After about 5/6 months of no meds, I got triggered again by a real event that happened way back in january and I thought ocd is back but after a month of suffering, i just woke up one day not worrying about it anymore. It was hella confusing. Now I’m at 8 months off the meds and still feeling very anhedonic, I used to actually like new age spiritual stuff, astrology/numerology/tarot readings. After finding out about my life path number which is 11, I started seeing 1:11, 10:11, 11:01, 11:10, which was fine because I thought it was a good thing, that things will go the way i want them to. I was studying celebrity charts and noticed one placement that I have in common with certain artists. I watched their interviews, and they were mostly artists who went through troubling things and when they come back into their fields, their art kind of downgraded when asked why, they said they aren’t functioning based from ego anymore, they lost their identity blah blah blah. so I checked what that placement means and it means ego diffusion. As an artist tho, I feel like both ego and a higher purpose with what you do should be balanced. Without ego, people will be content with mediocre artworks, without meaning then what’s the point? Prior ocd and all the medications, I was motivated by being good at what i do, I was very inspired by Queen, David Bowie, Lorde, Grimes, all these artists who i deem are geniuses in the field of music. They were my inspirations. That, and I would infuse social and political activism into my art (I’m a leftist) so I get that sense of purpose from what i do. So seeing something about ego diffusion I was very anxious and I just had to consult a tarot app to confirm that I can still go back to my normal self. And the tarots were very negative. They kind of confirmed my fears of losing my identity/desires/ambitions forever and to just accept it. Recently I keep seeing the 111 on the clock, and I had to check what it meant in terms of angel numbers and I saw something about spiritual awakening so I looked it up on google and reddit. I had to avoid looking at clocks but sometimes when I wake up and open my phone i see 10:11, when i watch tv I see it when my brother paused a movie, when my dad opened his phone i saw 1:11. I also have muscle twitches which I attributed with meanings, if the muscle twitch occured on the left side of my body then it means no, if its the right side, then “yes”. Whenever I pray that I go back to normal, and the left side twitches, i would be so overcome with panic. So like I’m freaking out. Had to look at what spiritual awakening means and what its stages are: most spiritual awakened people developed ocd, then they will be anhedonic for a while, losing their motivations, then they will see synchronicities (which i’m overthinking because of astrology, tarot and these numbers), i saw one who also mentioned muscle twitches, overall the way you perceive/feel the world will be different. And that once spiritually awakened you can’t have any desires from life anymore. And that it can’t be reversed. All I ever really want is to go back to how I was (from research i can go back by exercising, simple meditations, keto diet, trying magnesium supplements), to my normal self, now I can’t help but picture myself as a monk or a nun. I haven’t slept a wink in 3 days. Whenever my brother’s music is loud I feel like this is the “change of feeling” they’re talking about, so i make him stop it, when i feel cold from having two electric fans pointed in my direction, I think of spiritual awakening and it’s feeding my anxiety. I feel like I’m convincing my brain that this is my reality. I’m afraid of living. I’m afraid that I have no free will. I keep asking for reassurances from my uncle who studied psychology and he always manages to debunk it but it keeps coming back. I’m afraid to make any improvements about my situation because I feel like everything would only end with me refusing my desires, living in an isolated place, meditating 24/7. That i have no free will and won’t be able to go back to who i was, to my identity. I overanalyze everything that I experience right now, i will watch a movie and question if these people have desires, if i should avoid anything that is worldly. it became a source of anxiety. i feel like it’s a process that is inevitable. I don’t wanna be like this. I wanna un-know has the things that ive read. Right now, I’m feeling very calm (I don’t feel as anxious as I was since 3 weeks ago when I’ve read it) but still feels uneasy so I’m doubting if this is ocd and that maybe I’m accepting this truth. I can’t make any sense of anything around me.