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ClareJ

Bulletin Board User
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  1. Hi Mae, I can identify with a lot of what you have described. My partner of 10 years has OCD (has only really intensified in last 18 months since the loss of his mum) and am finding that it's definitely starting to have an impact on us as a couple. This really struck a chord with me. You are absolutely *not* causing his compulsions. If this is his phrasing, I think you should gently call him out on this if you can as it is placing the blame on you and entirely unfairly. My ex husband did this to me with his MH - it didn't help him (he deferred the correct treatment as thought divorce would solve things), it didn't help our marriage (evidently!) and it was very damaging to me personally. The thing that is causing his compulsions is OCD. It's no more your fault than his. I can really identify with this with my current partner as I feel like I inadvertently trigger his compulsions which I obviously don't want to do. But on the other hand, my experience feels like our home is booby trapped and am constantly on edge looking for the next possible tripwire. The key is honest communication - our feelings should matter too and you don't support your partner by martyring your own MH and wellbeing. It may well be that his OCD makes it harder for him to stay on top of things like housework and cracking on with cooking. My partner often says he worries I think he's lazy but also that I just don't understand how hard it is for him. But I'm starting to realise it is also perfectly possible to have poor MH AND be selfish /lazy. I do everything and he lets me - because he is quite happy with that situation! We've got ourselves stuck in a rut and def need to break the cycle. I agree with the advice to establish boundaries and talk honestly with him about the impact everything is having on you and your relationship. Agree on what changes you both can make for the sake of moving forward together. It's great he is waiting for therapy to start - I am still struggling to get my partner to sign up. Could it be worth suggesting relationship therapy as a couple? The suggestion alone may make him realise how upset you are feeling and the impact this is all having. A friend of ours also received treatment for ocd and said his motivation for going was the impact he could see that his ocd was having on his wife so I don't think you should feel you have to hide how you are feeling. As a last point, I found reading the book "Because we are bad" gave me an insight into how he was feeling. He then read it too and found it really relatable. Good luck and hope his therapy starts soon.
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