Blondie

I am still in a really bad place with all of this. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore rather than have to endure this horrific anxiety all day every day. I don't know how other people deal with constant anxiety but any advice would be greatly received. My anxiety is high all the time from the moment I wake to the moment I manage to drop off to sleep.

@Ashley I have been declined for my funding for Oxford by the CCG. What should I do now?

@Caramoole I'm terrified I'm writing notes accusing people of being paedophiles ??? I only need to hear a name and I think I've written it. And I've never heard of anybody else doing something similar. @PolarBear I've never found a note. Not one, other than those which I have written for ERP purposes

@PolarBear Why can't I see It as silly? I feel so terrified all the time. I'm sat on the sofa now thinking I could have notes up the arms of my top ??? even typing on here is difficult and I have to reread several times before posting.

@Caramoole I suppose so, I've never really thought about it in this way

@Caramoole I don't know if I can accept that, it feels so real even though I have a diagnosis of OCD.

@PolarBear You're right, I have convinced myself that writing these notes is the worst thing in the world. How would you feel if I wrote one about you? I'm sure you wouldn't be very happy and what if other people read it and assumed it was true? Can you see why I'm so ill over this? I don't know what to do with myself. Every single move I make makes me think I have left a note there. It's disabled me and I don't know where I can get the strength from to fight back.

@snowbear I'm already on Paroxetine, metazapine and respiridone. I'm basically a mess ???

@PolarBear I am having CBT but it's not scratching the surface and I applied to Oxford but was declined for funding which I am trying to appeal. Functioning is so difficult. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I haven't got any fight left in me ??? I don't know how I can ever get over this when I think there could be notes everywhere

My checking is out of control, I have to check the seat before I sit down, I have to check my mask before I put it on, I have to check my glasses before I put them on, all my clothes the list goes on and on but I'm so terrified of notes that I can't stop

@PolarBear I know my compulsions but I can't stop doing them because I'm so scared that I've written these notes and if I don't check then they could get out.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can barely function. I'm terrified there's notes everywhere. I don't like knowing or hearing people's names or addresses in case I then write a note including that information in it. I constantly think that there's notes on me and that they are falling out of my clothes ready for someone to find them and the horrible spiral of events will start. I have tried writing every day and doing a crossword daily too but it's not helping. I'm still terrified of being near pens and paper. It's not showing any signs of letting up either, if anything I'm getting worse. I am constantly in a serious state of anxiety and I don't think I can handle it for much longer and I'm not exaggerating. I'm anxious from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I manage to go to sleep. I don't want this anymore. I just want a normal life. I just wanted to be a normal person ???

@thistooshallpass1996 Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well either. I'm so petrified of having written these accusations out. I try so hard to accept that I could have done them but my mind is in overdrive constantly and it feels like such a vile thing to do. I'm terrified of people's reactions to me and then forever having to live with the fact that I'd carried out my fear. I wish I could tell the world what I'm afraid of so everyone knows and they might understand if anything ever does come out

@snowbear thank you for such an in depth answer. it has taken over my life, I'm convinced there could be notes everywhere and anywhere, I worry about putting things down, picking things up, getting dressed, putting my hands in my pockets etc etc. I don't know how to get out of the fear bubble. I'm constantly terrified. I like the idea of trying to think if I've written these things then I'll deal with them when a problem crops up, but that feels like living on a knife edge (kind of how I am now though I guess?) I'm even scared of going to the toilet. If it wasn't for my partner kicking my **** in the mornings I would just stay in bed all day sweating and churning out anxiety laden thoughts. I need to get a job but I don't feel capable through the fear of these notes being on me and fear of writing more notes about people I work with or customers etc. I'm terrified of paperwork too in case I've written on it. I feel the same about cash because its possible to write on. I can't get my head straight ???

@PolarBear I'd say it's running at an 8 all the time with 10s throughout the day