Hi,
this is my first time posting here, sorry if this is long and rambly but i just wanted to ask for some advice..
So, i’m 18 and I’ve been struggling with what i believe to be ocd since i was around 12 but ive never been officially diagnosed except for it being mentioned to me in CAMHS, they said that i show obsessive compulsive behaviours or something i can’t really remember exactly but i know at the time all i could bring myself to tell them was i was having violent thoughts about my parents that were making me extremely anxious (i was 14 at the time) and was cutting myself as punishment for them. at the time i had just started getting sexual intrusive thoughts but i was too scared to say that to them and i left camhs shortly after...along with school and i basically isolated myself from everything completely, my life feels ruined by it and its gotten so much worse since then and im not even really sure if its ocd. over the years i’ve gotten obsessively worried about different things. it started when i was quite young i would worry my mum or siblings were going to die in their sleep and i remember checking their breathing loads of times and lifting their eyes to make sure they were okay, then i got scared i was going to act out in anger and kill one of my parents or id become a serial killer, then it moved to sexual thoughts surrounding basically everyone i love but its stuck on my little siblings and then my mum got sick with cancer last year and i was so obsessed with researching everything to do with it, making her ask loads of questions so i could make sure everything was going right and i was trying to “manifest” it away..and then id get worried id done it wrong and itd be my fault if anything happened to her. It took up my whole day basically everyday...i also thought it was my fault she got cancer in the first place bc of things id said in arguments in the past :/ but she’s better now so thats passed mostly and its back to the sexual thoughts...theyre awful and im constantly questioning whether i want them or like them or want to act on that and am going over scenarios in my head and i spend so long searching through forums until i find someone with similar thoughts to me..but its never enough. I feel like im constantly arguing with myself over something i should know isnt true, this has been happening for so long that half the time i feel too used to the thoughts and confused over how i feel about them, i also feel like im lying whenever i say i dont like them or they make me feel bad, even though i know thats the truth?? i try and tell myself it’s ocd or at least anxiety but then it feels like im only reassuring myself because i really want these thoughts and just feel guilty for that ? so where i need advice is a few months ago before i turned 18 i was at my wits end, breaking down everday, 18hrs screen time purely on google searching freaking out about thoughts, dreams and reactions that i knew it was time for me to get help, so, i phoned my gp and asked to be referred for help..but even then i couldnt bring myself to tell her what i actually need help for, i just said the same thing i did in camhs.. so now ive got to make an appointment and im absolutely terrified theyre going to tell me im just sick in the head and a * .. i dont think i can handle that even though my brains been screaming it at me for years I don’t really think that I believe that but I don’t know how im going to explain all of this to someone else without breaking down i can barely type this without panicking never mind saying it out loud...I know im gonna feel like im lying and like i have to overexplain myself because if i just blurt out whats going on at the moment anyone would think im just disgusting, i do. Like what if all of this is just unrelated and its just anxiety but i am really that..i won’t be able to deal with that. I really dont feel like im going to be able to go but i have to..I guess what i’m asking here is, what am i meant to say? how do i cope with telling someone all of this? and does it even sound like ocd? Thank you if you read all of this, I know it’s quite long and abit of a mess sorry !
