I really don't know when was the last time I slept well. I don't know when was the last time I felt happiness.
I am suffering from pocd. one of my main fear is that last year, I masturbated to something in dark web. and my fear is what if that is child porn. I was struggling from uncertainty.
so last week night I gone into a tor browser again, to find out if child porn really existed and are there chances that I might have masturbated to that. so I gone into duckduckgo and came to know that it is not exist. suddenly another search engine came to my mind, and I clicked a website, the first pic was (which i hope) is an naked image of an dwarf women. I freaked out, came out of the site and still freaking out
what if I used another search engine to access child pornography? Like I have around 100 memories of the same incident and this freaks me out
it's been 2 days since I ate for the last time. I Don't know.
I am constantly questioning whether was I always wanted to see child porn? would I masturbate to it if I got a chance too?
I don't know how many hours I cried. I feel like the worst human possible. also, a lot of false memories. I cannot accept the certainty. I cannot accept that I may or may not be a pedophile
like if at least if I know if I am a pedophile or not, then I could able to live accordingly. I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I feel like the worst human ever existed.
I don't feel like I can live with all these anymore.
i cannot afford a therapist, have read a lot of books, none helped me.
I mean what if I masturbated to child porn? isn't that the enough proof that I am a pedophile?
This memory being real is a very big deal for me, I never thought children sexually not even once.
I am worried if I masturbated to it once, If I got aroused by it once, I will masturbate to it again. I want to move on, but I cannot because of this, I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this hell.