Mthecatlady

Thanks for your replies. I have had the hit and run intrusive thoughts before but they have quickly subsided and apparently happen to a lot of people without OCD. A turning point came at the end of 2020 when I had a health issue and health anxiety completely took over my head. That was replaced by a fear of bats and rabies meaning I would be petrified of having windows open in summer. I have struggled with low self esteem and my therapist says that the threat system feeds off low self esteem and even if things are going well, it can make it become more active. The main theme around it all is that I will do something or fail to do something that will result in me coming to serious harm/ruining my life and I will let everyone down. I did spend the last two years studying a post grad course as well as working full time so my stress levels were particularly high and haven’t really dropped. I just wish I could go back to the days not all that long ago where I could go about my business without the rumination, checking, fear and the awful amount of time wasting.

Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here as much but I have found that my hit and run OCD is difficult to manage. I find that I stress thinking about driving during school commuting times, driving in slow traffic, car parks, manoeuvring to turn around etc and end up dreading such events. I have to drive for work and often several meetings a day. On the motorway and high speed A roads I feel comfortable, however in urban areas (I live in one) I worry about hitting someone, I worry that I’ll hit someone and not realise, and I worry about the fact I could spend the evening worrying after I get home, which in turn makes my door and window checking worse. I have the scenario in my head that if I hit someone at a low speed they might not tell the police and instead look to seek revenge by hurting me or worse. I think this thought has arisen because I told myself if something happened and I didn’t realise, I would hear something from the police or be aware of an appeal etc. As I drive I tell myself the person I’ve passed is safe but sometimes I will turn around and go back, but then I feel bad for giving in and my anxiety increases and often there will be something else to make me anxious, which makes me feel worse as then I’m disappointed in myself. There’s nothing to suggest I have hit anything but I keep thinking I wouldn’t know if I hit someone at very low speeds such as 1-5mph. My brother tells me I’m ridiculous and that if I hit a fully grown adult at that speed or any speed I’d definitely know about it. I drive a mid sized car so it’s not like I’m driving a huge truck. I think as I feel worried about coming to harm at home there’s no escape for me to be able to relax. It sometimes takes two hours to go to bed. I have a therapist but due to work commitments I scheduled for 4 weeks between sessions and I feel that 2 should be the maximum while I’m feeling the way I do. I just feel so exhausted with it all and wish I could stop focusing on things which are extreme scenarios

Going for the walk did help and I might try it again if I feel stressed when arriving at home. I have therapy on Thursday which can’t come soon enough really as I’m feeling worn out by the constant anxiety. Earlier I was unnerved when there was a group of small children on the opposite pavement walking without holding the adults’ hands. I was driving around 30mph but also had a van driving close behind me. The group then disappeared to walk alongside a parked lorry and I couldn’t see them. I know nothing happened but not being able to keep checking again and the fact they were small children kind of spooks me and has me thinking all sorts of scenarios. I just wish it could stop :(

I did feel similar when I increased my dose from 10 to 20. I have bought myself things like colouring books and an embroidery set to mess with but the lure of the compulsions is so strong. It always ultimately leads to me coming to harm at home. And the hit and run ocd leads me to think someone would hunt me down to harm me rather than going to the police. It is just a relentless stream of horrible thoughts. Instead of going straight in I went for a walk and to the shop for a couple of bits I needed. I felt it gave me a bit of a chance to calm down though I still feel a bit unsafe. It’s making me so miserable and I feel I’m missing the comfort of some of the checking compulsions. Which is mad because I know they send me into a spin. That ‘quick check’. I just wish I could feel like I did before this got so bad

Last week I went to see my GP and my dose of citalopram was increased from 20mg to 30mg. It’s been a full week and I’m not feeling much better at all. I started to make a big effort to not check windows and doors as often and not take photos and videos when I leave the house. It was going okay until I went out to work on Wednesday and a group of pedestrians I passed freaked me out and I’ve struggled since. On Thursday I had a parcel arrive and I didn’t film myself locking and opening the door and I ended up feeling terrified that something may have got in when I opened the door. I ended up taking photos of everything and getting back into checking. The same happened yesterday when I took a parcel and then today I was taken by surprise when the postman delivered a parcel and I felt I hadn’t managed the doors properly so I had to check everything again. I went out in the car and on my way home a pedestrian ran out to cross the road as I was passing. I’m quite sure I saw him in my rear view mirror and didn’t feel any impact. I was driving at 25mph or so. I’m at home now and it’s set my anxiety off that I have done something terrible. I feel like I’m not allowed to relax or enjoy anything until I have proof I haven’t done anything wrong but then I wonder if there ever is any proof? I feel so completely and utterly miserable. I live on my own so I feel so lonely and isolated too. If I am with people my compulsions and anxiety is nowhere near as bad, in fact sometimes they will completely disappear. I feel like I’m going to lose everything. I don’t know how to fix this and if the medication change may be having an effect?

Today I went out driving for work. It was going okay and I was fairly calm until I got to the last half mile to my home. It is a busy road with shops and parked cars and people often standing half in the road to cross etc. There were two women and a man standing at the side by a car either planning to get in or cross the road. I continued past them and didn’t feel anything and I’m pretty sure I could still see them as I moved on, but then I had to turn and couldn’t see them. My car has pedestrian detection so it is supposed to auto brake when a collision with a pedestrian is imminent. It warns me if I am too close to the car in front but I don’t know what it does if it detects a pedestrian which suggests I haven’t got too close or it’s not working! I did decide to walk back up the road and I couldn’t see anything. I just don't know how this will get better. I’m making a big effort with my door and window checking compulsions so I don’t know if the hit and run ocd may get temporarily worse?

It’s an easy game to get drawn into. The ‘quick check’ is so tempting. I’m trying to reduce checking right down so I feel a bit brighter. It’s amazing how much time and joy it can take away from me.

I find it is when I’m moving slowly and I am deliberately being careful that it is worse. I spotted the guy and stayed where I was intentionally then moved off once it was clear. The doubts have started though badly. In similar situations I often wait until the other vehicle has gone before I set off so I can be as sure as possible.

I have been out this morning and dropped my car off for service and took a courtesy car. I was doing okay until I went to get fuel and I was waiting for the car in front of me to go. The driver was putting bits in the bin so I waited until he was safely in his car before I moved off. I released the handbrake and then noticed a van had parked behind me to the side and the driver was walking across the forecourt. A passenger got out and seemed to go to the back of the van. Instead of waiting to check exactly where they were I moved off and left. I didn’t knowingly hit anything but now I’m worried there’s a chance I may have done. I drove past ten minutes later after popping in somewhere else and the van had gone. Which suggests everything was okay but it could also mean someone took another person to hospital or something. I have these horrible ideas that I will hurt someone without realising and then I’ll let everyone down. I’ve tried to think about nice things but I just end up feeling sad thinking I don’t deserve it if I don’t know for sure if I’m a good person or not :(

Hi @Zelda Thank you for your reply. I sometimes think I am the only one who has these thoughts! The mental checking seems to bring up particularly bad thoughts which feel impossible to ignore. They also get more ridiculous too. I find they can make me feel so miserable which doesn’t help. I went to the GP earlier and she suggested I increase my therapy sessions and increased my meds to help my mood. I find if I’m moving quickly I concentrate on the road more easily. It’s if I’m in a traffic jam or after I’ve parked up I’ll ruminate more. Thinking about what to cook in the evening sounds like a good plan too!

Hi everyone, A particularly nasty obsession has come back and it’s making me so miserable and fearful. I spent most of the last 3 years working from home but now I am expected to be out so I am driving most days. I enjoy driving and would say I am a competent driver. I stick within speed limits, concentrate on my surroundings, I’m considerate of other road users, essentially I do what is expected of me as a motorist. However since going out more the hit and run anxiety is back with a vengeance. I have had it before but it feels worse now. I find it’s incidents such as pedestrians running into the road and stopping halfway that my anxiety will spike, and even though I have seen them after passing, I still feel anxious. I try to remind myself that I am competent but I don’t know if that is just feeding the thoughts? I know that I haven’t done anything, but the thoughts just keep coming and coming at me. I know I can’t stop the thoughts completely but is my anxiety and rumination causing them to become worse?

I find myself so convinced something bad will happen sometimes. I find any element of doubt really hard to deal with and the intrusive thoughts get worse and worse. I get scared of things like leaving the house in the dark as I think I’m more likely to be ambushed by an intruder. Things like that. I feel like I’m on constant high alert despite stress in the rest of my life reducing.

I’ve noticed lately that I will try to be aware of things that make me anxious and anticipate the associated intrusive thoughts. However despite being mindful I still end up panicking when the thought comes anyway. As an example I went on to the Uber eats app to see how much a taxi will be to a place I’m going tomorrow. I saw the price then pressed the back buttons to exit the menu. Now I’m panicking I’ve called a taxi and someone will come and go mad at me for wasting time. I feel like I should have recorded the screen to prove I didn’t. I find myself doing things like going to the bar with a friend in the pub in case they accidentally order me alcohol or the bar person mistakenly serves me alcohol when I’m driving and something bad happens. Even when I have watched something carefully I still worry. I don’t know if this is because I’m ultimately seeing danger everywhere? Can anyone else relate to this?

Hi Aimee, I can identify with a number of the thoughts and compulsions too. Particularly door and window checking. I find switching my mind to something else really helps but it can be tricky at times when I’m particularly stressed. Are you taking any medication at all?

I’ve now found that my driving OCD is flaring up. If I let a pedestrian cross in front of me I will see that they have made it across but as I move away and lose the visual on them I start to doubt that they’re okay. There were a few broken down cars on the motorway with the drivers standing beside them and I drove past carefully but I still panic that I’ve done something terrible without realising. The associated rumination is awful too. Just a constant stream of ‘yes but what ifs’ at me. I’m going to try and relax this evening and hopefully that will help.

I’ve started to resist the compulsions, however today other obsessions are coming up instead. If I deal with one set of horrible thoughts by not giving in to compulsions I get more horrible thoughts about something else. I’m trying to get on with my day but I feel such a huge overwhelming sense of responsibility for everything and everyone around me it’s exhausting.

Do compulsions like this get better? I find that my compulsions change depending on how much danger I sense at that particular time If that makes sense?

I find I have a lot of these thoughts through the day but the distress quickly subsides as I get on with my day. If it’s something of greater consequence then I struggle a lot more.

I think this is what is making it worse. I know what it smells like so I can’t help thinking it’s my OCD making me look for issues that aren’t there. I feel like it doesn’t matter what anybody says or does, I would struggle to accept it anyway if that makes sense? I know I can’t have things checked constantly and have to try and trust what I’ve been told. It’s just difficult I guess.

Last week after a stressful day at work I got home and as I was outside I noticed a quick smell of gas. I had experienced something similar months ago but being on high alert I googled and ended up calling the gas emergency line. An engineer came out and inspected my home inside and outside and said there were no leaks and nothing to be concerned about. I felt slightly reassured but then I couldn’t stop wondering what if he was wrong, what if something had got broken and caused a leak afterwards. Since then I have found myself constantly sniffing in the kitchen near my boiler even though I didn’t smell gas inside. Two days later I cooked spicy noodles and then thought I smelt something strange and thought what if it was gas. I called the number again asking what they thought and they said they’d send an engineer. The engineer came and explained the tests, showed me the detector and again found no leak. I should feel satisfied and be able to accept this but I’m finding myself sniffing and panicking. Is the sniffing a compulsion? i also feel worried about posting on here in case I make something bad happen or if I say they said it was safe that I’ve got it wrong. I know this all sounds silly but I keep panicking and worrying that I’ll miss a leak and something bad will happen.

I have a big worry at the moment, but I keep thinking if I talk about it it will somehow make it happen. I have had some reassurance about the situation, but I’m also scared to say that or write it in case I’m wrong. Is this my OCD at play?

I find rumination will happen more if I’ve dropped a physical compulsion such as checking a door is locked. I don’t ignore them as such, but acknowledge them as an OCD thought and try to focus on what I am actually doing. If I’m not doing anything in particular, I will find a better way to focus my mind. If my urge is to Google something I might play a game on my phone so I can’t use it to google, or put the phone in another room while I cook something, it can be anything. It can be scary at first but it does get easier with time.

I do CFT - compassion focused therapy. It’s based on reducing my threat system driving my brain and using my soothing system more. I try to make sure I keep doing activities rather than avoiding them. I have been having almost superstitious thoughts about my thoughts and compulsions. I just hope my anxiety eases soon so I can have a bit of an easier time.

I’m not feeling too bad but I feel in such a high state of panic that I am doubting everything and myself. No amount of reassurance is really working so I know I have to stop seeking it, but then I get these fearful sensations. It’s almost every aspect of my life at the moment too. Lots of intrusive thoughts and lots of my brain taking them very seriously and either ruminating or finding a compulsion. My therapist recommended twice daily meditation/mindfulness exercises so I’m looking for a decent app. Have you got any recommendations?

Ah ‘hit someone and not realise’. A very familiar friend/foe of mine. I don’t have the same issue with the mirror, but I become more anxious at night time where visibility is worse. I will turn the music off in built up areas in case the music prevents me hearing an accident etc. Resisting compulsions and safety behaviours is difficult. I think continuing to go out and parking near others is a good thing to do though. I force myself to drive in conditions I don’t like to help build up positive evidence.