Mozer

what if somehow, the universe RANDOMLY creates consciousness in which we are sufferning eternally and there is nothing we can do about it? its a very scary thought.

of all days that life exists in any form on earth, why i suddenly gained consciousness in 1992? how i know that i did not have consciousness as an other person in the past?

My ocd has created somehow twisted and bad ideas of punishment. This fear was created weeks after the promise. Its about a punishment that it is invisble Probably if that idea of punishment had appeared before the promise, I would not have tried to make one. What if Gods considered that idea of punishment which I fear (and which was created weeks after the promise) as a good way to be punished? I did not asked for that punishment. I have asked many times for the promises to be canceled and that i did not mean them. They were just a fake show to scare my ocd into leaving me alone. I did not act compulsively yesterday. In order for the checking to count as a compulsion, I need to check AFTER being 100% sure that everything is ok. If I am even 94% sure that everything is ok and I check it does not count as a compulsion. Yesterday, I was 80% sure for example. I checked but I could not see the door properly from the distance so I went from 80% to 90% sure. Still, there were small chances that the door was not closed properly. So, I considered that checking again closer will not count as a compulsion. Thats why I looked again. All these thinking was in my head. I rushly assumed that it wont count as a compulsion so I felt safe to look again. But what if Gods did not know why I was checking a second time? What if They just show me looking twice and They assumed that I was acting compulsuvely? What if They cant read our thoughts entirely? I worry because the first time I may have randomly said something like "the door seems closed" without clarifying or making clear that the door seems closed but there are chances that it may be not. I explained my situation some seconds later but what if I should have firstly explained the reason of checking again before doing it?

I lost my password in my previous account. 3 years ago, I tried to make a promise to Christian God that I wont recheck again my door compulsively and I asked for a punishment in case breaking it.I was trying to use the fear of punishment to force myself stop doing the compulsion and also, use the fear of punishment as an excuse to my ocd in order to make it shut up.I never meant the promise. I just wanted to trick my ocd using fear. I just wanted relief. I was a prisoner of my ocd compulsions and I thought that it was the only way out.I did not want to be a slave of it anymore. It was very tiring doing these compulsions. I could not stop it. Thats why I tried to make the promise.I have suffer a lot the last 3 years because of these promise-tricks. The trick backfired and I ended up depressed. I worry that other Gods may have accepted the promise if Christian God is not real. Yesterday I left my house and I was not paying attention if I fully closed the door. I checked from a distance and it looked closed but I could not understand if it was closed fully.I assumed that it was closed and I tried to be on my way. I stopped again and started wondering. It was kinda expected to see the door looking closed. The reason that I tried to check the first time, was because I wanted to see if the door is fully closed (if the door is attached to the wall).I was unable to see that from the spot where I was standing. Since I failed to understand if it was fully closed, I decided to look again but this time closer.The door was fully closed. In the whole situation, i was having intrusive thoughts like "maybe I should not check the door because it will count as a compulsion" etc and on the same time I was repeating prayers like "no compulsion, no compulsion, no compulsion" I worry because it took me some seconds to explain to Gods the reason of looking the door twice. I worry that Gods may have thought that I was doing a compulsion by checking the door twice. I was not. I just could not understand from the first check if the door is fully closed.Perhaps I should have explained myself BEFORE checking a second time. I did not. I was on a rush and I just looked again. I worry because I was a little anxious and intrusive thoughts that it may look as a compulsion were popping up in my head (false alarms). What if I was too late to explain myself? What if Gods thought that I acted compulsively? It did not take me too much to explain my self. As I said it took me some seconds/minute to explain myself clearly. What if it was too late?I have said many times to Gods that I am not acting compulsively. I repeat these prayers that I do not act compulsively for other things. I repeat them every day almosot 30-60 times. "no compulsion, no compulsion, no compulsion". I have also said that there may be misunderstandings/mistakes in what I am saying or doing. I have tried to make clear that I would not dare to act compulsively in some things. I worry not only for the hypothetical misunderstanding but I worry because I tried to ask for punishment in case breaking the promise of not acting compulsively (3 years ago) My ocd has created a really bad idea of punishment and I worry for that specific punishment. When I tried to make the promise, my ocd had not created that idea of punishment. What if Gods misunderstood me yesterday and they thought that I did a compulsion, even though I was not? What if They thought that the specific punishment idea that my ocd created was a good way to be punished? what if I was too late to explain myself yesterday?I will say a similar example story to understand my worries. \- Someone makes a promise to Gods that he wont recheck his door compulsively ever again and asks for punishment in case breaking the promise in order to use the fear of punishment to stop worrying.Some weeks later, his ocd is creating a fear of a very specific punishment. He worries that he may get cancer and suffer a lot of pain at some point in his later [life.So](https://life.So), that fear makes him so worried and tries his best to keep his promise. He did not ask for that punishment but since he just a non-specific punishment, he worries that Gods may punish him with what he fears (cancer). One day, he checks the door twice because the first time of checking, he failed to understand if the door is fully closed. Deep down he knew that it was probably fully closed but he wanted to act like a normal person and check the second time more carefully because the first time he could clearly see the door.He expalined some seconds later to Gods the reason of checking the door twice. What if Gods saw him looking twice and they thought that he was doing a compulsion?