Anonanon

Hi all I have been suffering from pocd since 4 months. I sometimes fear that i do something horrible and then forget about it completely. I was not going on internet in order to maintain my sanity. But today i went and surfed about this problem. I found something called "Unethical Amnesia" and it really got me scared. I know that alot of times i do forget small things or thoughts that are discomforting. But is it possible that i forget really morally unethical things i did or do. Can someone please elaborate this unethical amnesia thing?? It really shocked me to the core.

Hi all I started having groinal responses ( such as tingling or a feeling ) when my ocd started climbing up. But for past few days, they have gotten more frequent. They happen any time and i start to doubt myself whether i am gonna touch someone inappropriately. Sometimes even when there is no one in the room with me, i get these responses. Today, i was on phone completely lost in my thoughts, suddenly the response happened and i unconsciously moved to a porn site. Now i fear that these responses truly are signs of arousal and i may do something bad unconciously. I cannot differentiate whether my arousal is true or not.

Hi all This is a genuine doubt and i just want to know that how should i deal with it or is it normal Some thoughts or ideas may not cause any anxiety and some cause tremendous pain. I am sure that i dont one neither of them. I want to do neither of them. But it confuses me - does the first one(no anxiety) means i am in denial of this idea and like it. How do i know that this idea is not in my nature and does not signify my sexual inclination. This confuses me. Thanks in advance

Hi all I was having sex with my gf this weekend and suddenly an image of my baby cousin crossed my mind. I felt like i was thrusting harder when this thought struck. I dont know... Was it to get rid of this thought or because i wanted it in my mind unconsciously Is it normal for people to experience this...

Thanks ?

Hi all How could i join this zoom session or get updates about it

Hi all Sorry for writing again but this time it was a complete defeat. Something wierd happened and it really ****** me. My baby cousin ,with whom i have a fake memory. Please refer this link. So she came to my house, i was tensed a bit. A lot of intrusive thoughts regarding so many things filled my mind. But i easily ignored them. I was feeling so proud of myself. We played , talked and fought. I called her petty names and irritated her. My favourite thing to do. It was going well. But i was still worried about my memory. Before leaving she waved bye. But suddenly she said something that zhook my whole reality. She naughtily said , " you did not do right with this child" and hid her face. I asked her ," with whom". She hid her face grinning. Her parents and my mom laughed at this and she left. But i was shocked to the core. I started crying immediately. Nothing inappropriate happened today but i got so scared. Did she remember something that i fear i may have done Or Is it a sign from the gods, that i have done something bad with this child or some else child. My mother told me that she has a history of saying uncomfortable and spontaneous things like this. Even i know of her this habbit. I relapsed so hard. All the progress i have made till now has gone down the flush. My memories are now flooding my mind and i am so confused that it is killing me. I have been crying continuously. What does this mean....

Hi all thank you so much for all your help. I am late in my response but I want to inform you that since the day i posted, i felt free from this OCD web until now. So that was a win. @discuccsant Your hard approach always seems to work on me . Thnk you so much for always being there @Dakagraphics-David Thing you just said makes a lot of sense and i do think that god is the kindest soul out there. Now, i dont ask for forgiveness compulsively and just pray at the start and end of the day.

Hi all Recently i started having intrusive thoughts about god, although they were disturbing but i managed them. But suddenly yesterday, i encountered a thought so vulgar and gruesome that it shattered me. I tried to avoid it as much as possible but still can't do it. It is coming back to me again and again. The more i try to let it be , the more it changes forms. It feels like i am the one helping this thought go further. It causes me great distress. It is making my life hell and i fear divine punishment. Should i just ignore this thought or should i stop this thought whenever it tries to come forward or should i try something else Because i tried both these techniques - no help. Please help.

Thanks a lot for your help @snowbear In this problem , we cannot even trust our own body. But only thing i can do is sit back and watch all these things go. I am trying to do ERP at my home and i think this is the first thing to overcome -Uncertainity in my body symptoms.

Hi @snowbear Thanks for your reply I know it might seem like reassurance but believe me when i say that this is a genuine doubt. I feel that my gut is doing so to tell me that my thought maybe true. That i may have done something in my 17s that is unspeakable and forgot about me. This heart pain used to happen earlier in the same way. But it subsided for some time. But from yesterday, it has returned back. Can we trust our gut and heart in OCD.

Hiii all I hope you all are fine. I am taking therapy now and it us helping me alright. But i just came across a doubt that is sticking with me. I suffer from various themes of ocd and my worst one is pocd and false memories. This theme was on hold for some time but it relapsed just yesterday. Although medications have controlled my physical symptoms but they come along sometimes. This morning, my mind was flooded by these thoughts and it was killing me. I controlled and controlled. But suddenly , a memory struck me. I know nothing of this sort happened but still it disturbed me. It started as a mild one and then kept on changing forms . My heart palpations started slowly , peaked and then suddenly declined. Same with my gut. Unfortunately, i went on the internet. They told me if gut feeling is instantaneous than it means it is true else it is anxiety. It disturbed me further more. I just want to ask - Should i really trust my gut and heart on this one. Please help.

Hi again Just a question, can intrusive thoughts happen in anger as well. Alot of times earlier, whenever i was angry or irritated on a female character in tv or real life. I used to have a really sexually intrusive thought about them. It used to get me really anxious - instant regret and guilt. But I used to move ahead without making a fuss about it - "it is just a thought" But today, while having an argument with my mom, my anger peaked and i had that same thought. That very second i stopped it. I did not even let it complete. But the damage was done. It was really painful and stressing. I know people have a lots of violent thoughts while angry but not even in my wildest dreams i could say something like that to my mother or anyone else. If it was any normal occasion, i would have dismissed this as obsession. But it happened in anger. Is this an obsession or some other issue??

I started it just 4 days back. Fluvoxamine and etilaam. But my symptoms got worse. ? I cannot sleep properly, whole day seems depressing. Doctor is saying that it will take few weeks. But is getting really hard.

Hi everyone I am posting here again since new symptoms have arose. I just started my treatment with psychiatrist and am on SSRI and sleep inducer. But with this medication i am suffering from insomnia. I go to sleep at 10 and wake up around 3:30. After that , I try a lot to sleep but the sleep is not REM and it is just an unconscious state. I wake up agin and again. This is where my hell starts. I dont know why, i start thinking about all the obsessions i had in the day and unconsciously start doing my compulsions. I dont remember how it starts, i just remember mentally or physically reviewing them and suddenly fighting them. All this happens in a sub conscious state. Even in my dreams i am fighting. This is getting really hard day by day. I assumed my symptoms would settle down after medication but this first week is going like hell. Can anyone relate or guide me on this subject. Please help.

@Handy Can you please elaborate

Can anyone help me with this?? Pleaseee

Hahaha You are right. No more reassurances. As it will only refuel my anxiety. I totally understand your point and i am going ahead with my journey. I am not gonna lie, it is gettibg really hard for me. But i am gonna tread on. I have so many doubts right now. But i have talked to my family. We are gonna see a psychiatrist. I hope he could help me because right now i cannot do it alone. Thanks for your help❤

Hi @discuccsant Thanks for helping me again. I totally agree with your point and believe me when i say that i am watching my porn intake or what type of porn i watch. That girl was not even 12. No part of her was visible except lady part . Caption read " 12 guys lucky..... " something like this. But a glimpse of number 12 got me so frightened. I went back to check it. It was for just maybe 10-15 seconds that i stayed on that post but all of that period was full of fear. Believe me, while i was checking it, i was full of fear, i checked it and i was relieved but suddenly my mind started punishing me for even checking. I was in no way going to watch underage content. It was my constant fear that i have to check every thing. I used to watch really nasty stuff. I think i still have liking towards it. It feels like coming across something that you may like but you should not like. Sometimes, i find stuff that may seem like it. So i just check that stuff , if it is nasty then i either report it or ignore it completely. But this time, it was not even hidden desire. I never had it. As you mentioned i like young and cute but morality was always a factor for me. It is really painful to fight this feeling. Whenever i try to stop thinking about this stuff, my mind makes me feel so guilty. Heart palpations and other anxiety symptoms overcome me. This is unbearable.

Hi @Randomdude32 I just read your post and i can surely say that i relate to this. My story might not be the same but i know how it feels to live in uncertainity of who i really am. Coming back to your story, this definately seems like OCD to me. I am not an expert but i am going through the same thing. In regard with the cat , you just did what a normal human being would do. It was nothing that makes you a monster in your or anyone else' eyes. A human does get angry when he is provoked or harmed or irritated. A monster kills or hurts beyond repair but a human just reacts in anger but still maintains a boundary. You did that perfectly well. It is hard to keep this thought at bay but you need to understand that there is a difference between a child and a mere cat. what you may have done to a cat , you are never gonna do it to your own kid. And you know it very well. The only thing that needs to understand this is our brain. And believe me when i say, you does not become a monster when you are angry. One day, you might not lose your temper and hurt your child like a monster. And what you have told us so far, you are a normal human being. Let me throw some personal wisdom. Parents do punish their children. They lightly beat them up or scold them or dont talk to them etc. Does that make them monster. My mother used to beat the **** out of me. But i know she loves me more than anything else. I understand that sometimes what i do makes her angry and she can vent it out. She is a human too and i dont consider her monster for literally beating me with a broomstick.(yes, that is true) Dont make yourself too conscious. Fight this monster OCD and if possible seek some help too. All the best for your journey and lots of love to your little kid

Hi I have been writing frequently on this board because this pain is getting unbearable. I am suffering from POCD. last night i was watching porn on a tiktok like website. These days i get hyper conscious about what i am watching. I checkout everygirl for whether she is age appropriate or not. This is a bad habbit but i am sick. I was going down one by one. I suddenly came across a slide where only vagina was visible nothing else. Disinterested me slid down . Suddenly i remembered looking at number 12 written in caption. I moved back to that slide. I watched it and looked at the caption - are they showing someone underage? Fortunately it was nothing. But i got such a sever anxiety from it. I got a sleepless night. My mind is telling me that you were interested in 12 year olds , that is why you went back. Were you looking at caption or photo first , if it is photo you were looking at that means you were interested in content. Are you a pedo?? I keep telling myself that it was just a moment of doubt that i wanted to clear. That decision of going back and check was a spur of a decision. I am in a ditch right now. I fear so many things. No solution seems to be working for me. What should i do. I fear god , i fear my parents mortaollity due to this. I fear about my future , my relationship. Please someone help me with this. This incident is killing me inside.

Hi @snowbear first of all, thanks for your comment. I understand what you are saying. A therapist could help me in transitioning these thoughts. But the thing is, where live, there are next to none therapists who could help me with ocd. I mean i tried to find ocd specialists online. But it showed professionals who were not experienced as well as money hounds. At my place, ocd is nothing more than a contamination disorder, that's it. This is why i want to help myself. I am reading a few self help books. I am maintaining a journal. I try to perform CBT on my own. But the biggest boulder in my progress is the thought concerning my cousin. Every book or professional preaches acceptance in thougjts like this. But it breaks me apart. I dont know how this thought pop up.it was never there before. I have been playing with her for 6 years but never experienced this memory but suddenly now, i look at myself as a culprit. I am sure that i have never thought of her or touched her in an inappropriate way. Only thought that disturbs me is this - "once she came to me and sat on my boner in order to play with me. But i did not remove her like a responsible brother. " the scene changes with days. Sometimes, it is like we were playing in broad daylight. Sometimes, i feel like it was just morning and i was haviing morning woods. And many other alterations. But this thought remains the same. I searched google for people facing same scenario. People were supportive as well as angry. It confused and hurted me. All my previous thoughts about trying to watch CP in my teenage years came true. I only remembered that i tried it once. But my history told me that i tried it several times. I used to think that it was only because of my curiosity or maybe my gory porn addiction. It came out that it was my addiction. All the worst cases that i thought of, came true in this CP case. Only one thing is I am sure of, that i did not come across anything like this in a full manner. Because of this, it was never engraved in my mind. Maybe a scene or 2, that i dont remember. I know this is truly ****** up. But this was just my teenage phase. Maybe only 2-3 months. Never in my life i wanted to touch or do something inappropriate to a kid. Most of my life i was free of this pedo ****. I am sorry that I took put so many feelings at once. But this is all i am suffering of. I hope you understand. Thank you❤

Sorry for this late reply I hope you are doing fine. I just came across your post and believe me, this is exactly what i am going through. Its been a lot of time. Have you had any success. If any, then please share. ?

Hi everyone Few days earlier , i posted on this community regarding my POCD and my doubts. Please refer I followed all your advices and started moving ahead with my life. For many days, i was normal and it seemed i was winning against it. But yesterday, a memory of mine returned to my mind. A memory that states that while i was 17, i searched for CP several times despite knowing that it was wrong. I justified my act by thinking that these are actors and they are doing it out if their own volition. Fortunately, i did not find any and did not move ahead in this direction. But this memory really really messed me up. I am at point zero again in my progress. It got me thinking again that 'am i a pedo'. I have a really young cousin at my house. She is around 15 years younger than me. I always loved her as my kid. But now I am clouded by intrusive thoughts about her. False memories cloud my mind all day. And i am not able to dissmiss these memories because last incident just proved how unreliable my memory power is. This tears me apart. This POCD turns into religious OCD. I fear a divine punishment for my acts even when i did not do anything. I fear losing a lot of things i have. My OCD takes a lot of rumination as compulsion and it ***** me up. I knew i had OCD from a young age. A constant inner voice always controlled my act - like if i dont tap this door 5 times , something ominous would happen and stuff like that. But this time , it is getting rampant. I question all my crushes , all my ***** ... what should i do. Any help or comments are appreciated ?. @discuccsant Buddy , you really helped me last time. I need you too. Please help...

Hi Bismah Thanks for your kind words. Yes , this is exactly what i have been fighting with. But finding out there are others like me gives me a hope. At this moment I am not taking any therapy as well as medication. But i am trying to take my attention away from all the rumination. Moment i strike any intrusive thought, I start working. I am hoping for this method to work in long run. Thank you❤