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impossiblestrain

Bulletin Board User
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  1. Hi again indeed, I know you are right and i caught myself seeking for reassurance indeed. Youre absolutely right. It was the mental help forum btw, ocd section I get some helpful comments, yet they dont always seem to help, i get some non helpful comments and well ofc they dont help. Its just doubt that occurs again when somebody replies like that, like: what if hes right? Though my body immediately reacted with, is he accusing me? Im not a pedophile lol. All i can say is youre right. Its just hard to get control over it sometimes, especially they day after when i wake up in the morning. But like you said i do can relate to other peoples stories about ocd or people that tend to be more helpful because they have been through the same. Thanks again for replying. Ps: My wife said: Dont you think pedophiles would like to change diapers instead of making an excuse not to?
  2. Quick recap: I am a 32 male dad, my son is now 6 months old. I was diagnosed with OCD, 11 years ago. However i have been suffering from it since i was 13 years old. I have had many obsessions, sexual obsessions, obsessions about my relationships and obsessions about my health to name a few. Ofcourse along with compulsions both physically and mentally. Have had years of therapy but i was triggered today while changing my son. What happened yesterday So i was changing my sons diaper and i must say that, the last days i was already more sensitive towards thoughts i kept getting. Thoughts about my son when i brought him to bed like; '' What if i strangled him with the usb charger?". So i went back in my sons room to check if the usb charger was in the place where it should be. Anyway while changing my sons diaper, i had a happy feeling, he was smiling and acting like a baby does. However a sexual image flashed through my head which caused intense fear. It felt like time stopped for a minute and i went immediately in my head to analyse what just happened, but just after, i started to think: "What if i just did something sexually to my son and i cant remember it?". This whole day ive been trying to find the piece of the puzzle in my head that i would never do something like that, that something like that could never have happened. I have been stressed and living with anxiety and fear this whole day. Ive been trying to recreate this morning in my head, how i felt, what i did, trying to reassure myself. Its like my head keeps saying, find the evidence that something like that never ocurred and you would never do. Everything ive learned is so hard to apply when dealing with something new. I have come a long way living with ocd. But this kind of stuff just makes me feel like im back at square one. Today: I have posted the story above on another forum aswell and got triggered by somebody his reaction. Im not quite sure what to make of it, it felt like he was accusing me, this is what he said: Guilt can cause some one to loathe them self. If somebody loathes their self, they can accidentally on purpose trip and fall down the stairs and die. Avoid anything you would feel guilty about. I think anything that gets forced into one’s personal space can be sexualized in order to cope with it. I would say pedophilia would be a valid excuse to get out of diaper service.
  3. The ironic thing about it is however, when i have my good days, i can tell you every trick in the book to use to live with Ocd. And most of those tricks actually work, however when im actually going through a trigger like today, everything you just said makes sense and thats how i deal with the smaller obsessions nowadays, the ones i have had thousands of times. However this theme is something new, sexual but about my son and always when i get this new sort of theme, the fear, anxiety, shame, guilt is all so overwhelming. All of those tricks dont seem to work, not being capable of doing the things you just said. Actually coming to a point where youre not even sure anymore if you had an obsessive thought but if you did the act itself. Ive also been diagnosed with panic disorder which i believe goes hand in hand with ocd, light psychosis which also isnt all that uncommon i believe. The thing is, sometimes you think youre straight up losing your mind when youre doubting so much, checking so much/ and just not being sure about anything on a day like this. Deep inside its like i know who i am and what i stand for. But at the same time the other half of my brain says: Are you sure? And after 18 years, a day like today is just hard in a way. I do appreciate all you said tho. Reading similar experiences or helpful comments like yours makes me put some trust in myself again. Thanks.
  4. Quick recap: I am a 32 male dad, my son is now 6 months old. I was diagnosed with OCD, 11 years ago. However i have been suffering from it since i was 13 years old. I have had many obsessions, sexual obsessions, obsessions about my relationships and obsessions about my health to name a few. Ofcourse along with compulsions both physically and mentally. Have had years of therapy but i was triggered today while changing my son. What happened: So i was changing my sons diaper and i must say that, the last days i was already more sensitive towards thoughts i kept getting. Thoughts about my son when i brought him to bed like; '' What if i strangled him with the usb charger?". So i went back in my sons room to check if the usb charger was in the place where it should be. Anyway while changing my sons diaper, i had a happy feeling, he was smiling and acting like a baby does. However a sexual image flashed through my head which caused intense fear. It felt like time stopped for a minute and i went immediately in my head to analyse what just happened, but just after, i started to think: "What if i just did something sexually to my son and i cant remember it?". This whole day ive been trying to find the piece of the puzzle in my head that i would never do something like that, that something like that could never have happened. I have been stressed and living with anxiety and fear this whole day. Ive been trying to recreate this morning in my head, how i felt, what i did, trying to reassure myself. Its like my head keeps saying, find the evidence that something like that never ocurred and you would never do. Everything ive learned is so hard to apply when dealing with something new. I have come a long way living with ocd. But this kind of stuff just makes me feel like im back at square one.
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