I think I have been in denial for quite some time regarding certain aspects of my life which has lead me to here. I will try to be concise with what I am saying however I will start from the beginning and attempt to keep it short.
I was never the most popular kid at school, my house burnt down when I was 2 (caused by my Dad but I don't remember it this is just what my family tell me) and kids at school found out and used to tease me about it. I started pulling my eyelashes out when I was around 12, anyone I turned to would tell me to "just stop" (including my GP) this then got worse and other kids started noticing and then bullying me for it. I then found myself completely isolating myself from people so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I went to prom and claim someone tried to throw acid in my face which is why I had to leave early, I tell people I was in the house when it was burning which I have confirmation from my parents that it's not true.
I finished school and got my first boyfriend, I have a very vague relocation of it, however I recently bumped into a friend of his who brought up the reason why we broke up and told me it was because I'd alleged that he'd pushed me down a flight of stairs and threw a glass at me. It kind of rang a bell however I shrugged it off as at that moment in time the very few memories that I had were good ones.
I then met my second boyfriend, which ended very similarly to the last story, except he tried to stab me.
My third relationship (8 years ago) I ended up pregnant, I have a very vivid memory of having a still birth however this story has been questioned in the past as the Dad (who was not present at the time) said I had a termination, however I tell this story to so many people without even realising I'm doing it, I daren't ask my family or GP as I feel like I already know the answer and I wouldn't know what to do if it was confirmed.
I then spent a couple of years in and out of hospital (300+ admissions) with severe gastro pains, however I have never had a diagnosis, my GP has suggested that it is in my head and I'm starting to believe him, even on the days I know there's something not right.
I have recently split up from my partner of 4 years, whilst there were some toxic traits as a result of past relationships on both parts (mine possibly not even real), I was unable to clearly remember events, I started to write things down and once I'd relay them back he would tell me these weren't true even though I was adamant. I feel like I have no concept of whats real or not. Since we split I have been forced to take a look at my past behaviours and since then I feel like I have been constantly triggered.
I have only had a full set of eyelashes since the age of 12, I can usually go around 6 months with some growth but then I'll pull them out in my sleep, the majority of the time I'm not even aware I'm doing it until my eyelids are completely bald, I then feel calm and they're able to grow back and I follow the cycle again.
I have always had intrusive thoughts, which are very much so fear based and I can't look at any situation in my life without jumping to the worst case scenario which ultimately ruins everything. I have reoccurring memories of people I went to school with chasing me with weapons around the estate I grew up on. I have days (approx 3 times a week) where I will not be able to make eye contact with anyone because I'm adamant that they will slit my throat / shoot me or other people I make eye contact with. I have a check list before I leave the house of things that need to be switched off however when I'm out the house I immediately forget my rituals and when looking at the evidence I don't believe it and stare at my phone waiting for a call to tell me that my house has exploded and spend all day distracted by my phone. If someone I don't recognise comes in to my work place I automatically start looking for an exit as I envision a mass shooting. Over the last 3 months or so I have started seeing bodies hanging from tree's or floating in the river near my office. I feel like I'm constantly on watch and even if it's not happening in real life it is in my head.
I have never been diagnosed with OCD however I have spoken with therapists who have told me that I have symptoms and my own research would suggest the same, however I tell people it is diagnosed because I'm scared that if all of it isn't real, I have something to blame all the terrible accusations and false stories I've told that effect other people, instead have having to deal with the consequences myself. I am lying every day about the smallest of things and then forgetting what I've said and finding myself in situations that I can't get out of. I have spoken to my GP who tells me to call back if I'm still having these problems in a month, I have spoken to therapists who tell me I am too far gone and they cannot support me, I can talk to friends however I cannot tell them the full extent because I can't identify what is real and what is not and I don't want them to judge me if everything is a lie or be left on my own. And my ex who I love dearly thinks I lie to get out of situations I can't be adult enough to face so playing a victim gives me attention I lack as well as an excuse.
I currently have no eyelashes, I am feeling the most anxious I have ever felt, I cannot trust myself or others and I'm absolutely petrified to sleep in case I start pulling hair from other parts of my body out. I am so tired and feel so stuck. I can't seem to get the right help and I'm terrified of what I might do in the future, because I never thought they'd get this bad.
