I'm new to this forum and will probably have a cause for concern because of the content of this post, but all I am asking for is some reassurance I am not alone as this type of OCD does exist. I am also autistic and made a similar post on an autism forum and got a cause for concern, although the moderators for this forum haven't gotten back to me.
Lately, my intrusive thoughts have gotten very extreme since the beginning of this year because I also have a misdiagnosis of PTSD from ABA-based tactics from school and college (I also had a school bully who was sexually driven and paedophilic who was excused) by teachers forcing me to grow up by making me a "woman" for having periods, constantly getting the s*x talk and having our toys taken away. I feel these thoughts are a backlash and possibly my inner child screaming for help.
I work in a museum and when I have to miss leisure activities either with my autism social group or anywhere else because of work, I end up venting and it makes me sad then the other person says I am an adult and have to work, then that triggers those memories, so I get more frustrated. When I see families happy and having fun, it makes me really jealous and this triggers my extreme intrusive thoughts of sexually assaulting children and mothers. I am not safe around children with these thoughts but also it is an assault on my sensory issues as an autistic person when young children are screaming or being vocal. I have even had parents of young children vocally abuse me in public because of autistic behaviours (which has also altered my brain chemistry as a museum worker).
I also get triggered when I am misgendered (I use they/them pronouns) and when parents do it, I have very strong urges to act on these thoughts. I am terrified for my life and career as I could get into serious trouble. I called the crisis line and they booked me a psychiatric appointment. I even thought about being signed off by a GP then resigning, but my boss has advised against this as it would be abusing the system if I was to do so. I am embarrassed to admit to my boss that I am having these thoughts and dare not tell anyone unless they are close to me and trusted.
I possibly will get a cause for concern about this post but like I said, I just want some reassurance I am not alone and my feelings are valid; even though deep down I wouldn't act on these thoughts at the end of the day.