Beam Wing

Hi Rose Thank you for the comments and for sharing your experience. As mentioned in my original post, the anxiety over this is affecting me much more than the anxiety associated with the OCD. At least with the OCD, I can gain some temporary relief from the anxiety via the rituals, etc. Quitting therapy is the only way I feel I will be able to stop worrying about the prospect of hospitalisation and/or home visits. But I'm not even sure they will allow me to simply walk away. What if they say that my abrupt decision to quit therapy makes them “concerned” about my welfare? I presume it could give them a licence to interfere with my life in some way. It's just another thing to add to the growing pile of worries. The more I think about it, the more I regret engaging with the IAPT service. If I didn't engage and didn't talk about myself I wouldn't have this potential problem looming over me. I did find the opportunity to talk to a disinterested third party useful, but that kind of deference can only work if things are handled well. Up until the comments about hospitalisation, I had no problem opening up to the therapist. I actually thought I got along well with her. Just having someone there to check in with and to talk to on a regular basis has been helpful, especially as I don't discuss my mental health problems with other people around me. My main concern at the moment is how to quit and if I'll be allowed to quit. I'm very uneasy about going to my next appointment. The clinic has those electronically operated doors that are common in medical facilities. I just can't shake this feeling that if I go in, then I may not be able to leave. And if I quit over the phone. What if they send around a bunch of people to check on me? All this because for whatever reason the therapist decided to bring up a psychiatric hospital. It just feels so unnecessary. Had she not said that I'd be looking forward to my next appointment. I have thought about seeking a private psychological therapist, but I'd probably end up thinking about the money. And there's the whole issue building up trust again, location, etc. One of the great things about my current clinic is that it is within walking distance. Will definitely keep thinking about a private therapist (I must admit I've never really looked into it). Hi Hazel Thank you for sharing. I will definitely have a look through your posts about your time with the IAPT service, and at your experiences with private professionals. It was the almost immediate “we have ways to help with that stuff while you're at hospital” rebuttal when I expressed my desire to maintain my home responsibilities and also a comment about how it'd be good for me to be around other similar people [with OCD I presume] that made me think hospitalisation was something that is being seriously considered. The more I think about it, the more it feels as if they are considering an extreme solution to shift responsibility onto another service to avoid any kind of blame if my health took a turn for the worse. I could understand the rationale if I had threatened them or presented a genuine danger to myself or others. But neither of those apply to me. I just don't understand how they think someone who has OCD, keeps to themselves and doesn't go out much, but in all other aspects is polite and pleasant should require hospitalisation. I just feel as if they are suggesting it because it's in their best interests rather than mine. In other words, they are doing it to cover their own backs. When I consider that there has been little to no in-depth conversations about the OCD, no exercises/ challenges set, no goals identified, no exploration of why I feel compelled to wash my hands X number of times, etc., no analysis of thoughts and responses, it makes me think supporting me via talking therapy isn't part of the plan. I left each session thinking it was odd that very little about the actual OCD had been discussed. The sessions rarely lasted a full hour. But I dismissed it all and told myself that those conversations would soon happen. But the focus continued to remain on my physical health problems. When I was assigned to my therapist she told me she specialises in trauma and dealing with problems like OCD, so I initially felt as if I finally found the right kind of help. Going by her job title, she is a senior professional (as opposed to, say, a trainee or general MH counsellor) so again I felt as if I was in good hands. As mentioned in my original post, I do get along well with her (which is not always possible with therapy) and up until recently I trusted her judgement. But this stuff has made me question it. I would have preferred it if she just admitted that the service wasn't equipped to help me and sign posted me to other organisations. The jump to hospital just feels sinister. I suppose this is how people can end up trapped in the system. I live on my own, no friends or family so I do wonder if they've decided to go down this path because they know there's no one on my side to push back. Being on my own is also why I'm even more reluctant to go back to the clinic – there won't be any friends or family to ask where I've gone if they do try to cart me off to hospital. Thank you again. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Hi BelAnna Thank you for the reply. You're right. Those are the only choices I've really got. Regarding the second one, I'm not sure whether it's better to discuss it via a phone call or to (take the risk) and go in. I suppose my main concern is if they could somehow use the law to prevent me from saying no to an inpatient referral . Thank you anyway Hi Angst Thanks for the suggestion. It's not something I had considered, but it's definitely something to keep in mind.

Hi Howard Thank you for the reply. Yep, I agree, it definitely seems drastic. I've been trying to think about what I could have said in the past that could have prompted the suggestion. I have told my therapist that I am uneasy about allowing appliance technicians into my home to get my appliances serviced or repaired. This is mostly due to having bad experiences in the last couple of years. It took 5 different technicians and 10 separate home visits to correct problems with a major appliance in my home. The extra visits were necessary because of the failings of the previous visiting technicians. It took a lot of phone calls and escalations to put things right. It really damaged my trust, especially as the technicians were employees of the appliance manufacturer, and each visit required a huge clean up operation (made worse by my OCD). When I had a problem with my washing machine (different manufacturer, different technician - but also sent by the manufacturer), a straightforward request turned into a full blown argument, which actually made me worried about my personal safety. Again the experience itself rather than my OCD has made me wary about letting people into my home to work on my appliances. I told my therapist that owing to the above, the prospect of having people round to repair/service my appliances makes me uncomfortable. I also mentioned that the OCD cleaning rituals following a service/repair visit were also a source of misery. Of course being uncomfortable and apprehensive is not the same as complete refusal to allow someone in to repair something. If something goes wrong with an appliance, I will get a professional to look at it so that it can be repaired as soon as possible. I would rather go through the inconvenience of extra OCD cleaning rituals than put my safety and my home at risk. Perhaps the therapist thought I could be putting myself at risk by simply being uncomfortable about letting repair technicians into my home? Personally I can't see how that could be sufficient to suggest hospitalisation. The second thing that may have prompted the suggestion could be how slow I've been in regard to arranging a GP appointment for my physical problems. I do remember the therapist saying that on several occasions that she wouldn't be doing her job properly if she didn't try to push me into sorting out my physical problems. I should say that I've never expressed any kind of outright refusal to see my GP. I've just been slow to make an appointment for a number of reasons, the main one being that it's hard to get an appointment at the moment. That said I do have an appointment coming up (which she now knows about). Perhaps she's interpreted the way I've taken weeks to finally make an appointment as a form of self neglect? Even then I just can't see how taking long to make a GP appointment could put me on the path to hospitalisation. It feels insufficient. I really can't think of anything else that I've said or done that would make her bring up hospitalisation. That's what really worries me. It feels like an extreme reaction to perhaps shift responsibility onto another service. I get the impression that there's been some discussions with senior figures and this talk of going to hospital has come from above. At the moment I just feel uneasy about going back into the clinic. I will consider asking some questions. Also, doing my best to use moisturiser on my hands after every wash.

Hi Rose Just wanted to say that it's good to hear that you're doing better.

Hi I was supposed to make this post yesterday (on the day I joined this forum), but writing it took longer than expected. I've recently had about five sessions of talking therapy for my OCD via my local IAPT service. I've used this service in the past and the results have been mixed.Having been away from the service for several years, I was finding it difficult to deal with my OCD, my persistent low mood, and the mental effects of my physical health problems. I knew it was time to get some help So I got in touch with my local IAPT service again last year and after a long time on a waiting list I was finally able to start face to face therapy late last year. During the several sessions I've had with my therapist, I've mainly been talking about my physical health problems, my family problems, my current social situation, and how all these things affect me on a day to day basis. We have talked a bit about the actual OCD, but most of our conversations have been about my physical health and my background. The most immediately visible sign of my OCD are my sore hands, which are the result of excessive hand washing. We have talked about how the OCD affects other parts of my life, but as I mentioned earlier, most of the time has been spent discussing my physical non OCD-related problems. This is partly my fault simply because that's what I have ended up talking about. The deeper conversations about my OCD specifically haven't happened yet. There hasn't been anything about thought processes, patterns, feelings when performing rituals, etc. The sessions so far have felt largely unstructured. I talk about my physical problems, my family problems, and a bit my OCD while the therapist takes notes. Each session (including my last one) I've had so far has proceeded in this way. At my last session, a week ago, I was once again talking about how I'd been feeling since the previous session and my current physical health problems. I said nothing unusual in this regard. After some back and forth discussions, my therapist suggested, in a very out of the blue fashion, the idea of going into a psychiatric hospital, possibly as an inpatient. I was immediately unsettled and taken aback by this suggestion, but I didn't show it. I explained how I'd prefer to try to manage my problems via the skills gained from talking therapy. I also mentioned that I have responsibilities in terms of looking after my home, paying bills, etc. and that doing these things were important to me. The therapist responded to these particular points by telling me that there are ways to take care of those things while I am at the hospital. I started to feel upset internally. By upset I mean thoughts of being taken away from started to flood my mind, which caused me to feel awful. The therapist said going in as an inpatient would be voluntary, but this did nothing to reassure me. I just couldn't believe this conversation was even happening. The proper conversations about the OCD had barely begun and out of nowhere my therapist was putting this idea of going into hospital to me. I started to feel my trust in the service gradually slipping away and I began to wonder what the motivation for this suggestion was. In past sessions, there was no indication that my therapist thought my condition was so severe it required hospitalisation. I have never once suggested during my sessions that I am unable to look after my home nor have I given any indication that I am a danger to myself or others. I have maintained (and continue to maintain) all my financial obligations in regard to my home for almost two decades. My therapist's sudden suggestion about hospitalisation has really unsettled me. It's also at odds with her repeated insistence, during our prior sessions, that she would not push me into making any changes that were drastic. I do somewhat feel as if I've been misled. I told my therapist that I was uncomfortable with the idea of going into a psychiatric hospital. I also mentioned the trauma of seeing a family member sectioned (she already knew about this so it was more of a reminder). The thought of going into a psychiatric hospital brought up all the memories of seeing a member of my family taken from our home by the authorities on several occasions. Though I remained calm on the outside, internally the memories were making me even more anxious because I started to think that I was going to face the same situation. The therapist responded to my concerns by telling me that she would sideline the idea for now. She also suggested that people could visit me at home because I have expressed an aversion to travelling. None of these comments reassured me. As a result, I left my last session feeling unusually worse off. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what she said. I feel anxious and upset by the suggestion that I could go into hospital or that people could visit me at home. It really is something I did not expect to hear. I simply wanted to get some talking therapy as it's helped in the past. As mentioned earlier, the therapist hasn't even had any real discussions about my OCD, the thought processes, what I feel, etc. She has instead brought up hospitalisation, which really just feels like an extreme solution to shift responsibility to another mental health service. If the service can't provide what I'm looking for I wish they'd be upfront about it instead of resorting to an extreme solution. I presently don't feel like going back. I'm honestly afraid that they may try to “trap” me within the clinic and take me away (I know that may sound stupid). The therapist has also requested to move our next session to an earlier time slot. She didn't give me reason for moving the time slot. I can't help but think the earlier time slot is connected to the hospital suggestion. I just can't be sure. I'm also afraid I may get a knock at the door this week. It's all just making me terribly anxious. I had no problem attending the sessions for talking therapy – it's why I contacted the IAPT service in the first place. What I did not expect was the prospect of hospitalisation to come up, especially after a few brief discussions. Hospitalisation has never come up in my past engagements with the service. I should say that I feel I have a good relationship with my therapist. I find it easy to talk to her and she has been pleasant on all occasions. Up until the comments about hospitalisation, I had full confidence and a high level of trust in both the service and the therapist. At the moment, I really feel like putting in a request to be discharged with immediate effect. The persistent worry and sense of dread about what was suggested is far worse than any of my OCD-related anxieties. It's affecting my ability to sleep well and my mood throughout the day. I feel like requesting to be discharged just to terminate those feelings. Of course I would lose access to the therapy I waited a very long time for, but at this point the negative feelings and sense of uncertainty about what could happen the next time I go there outweigh the positives I get from using the service. Has anyone been in a similar situation during therapy? Can anyone relate to my situation? What do you think I should do? Comments and suggestions are welcome.

When you're feeling weak and your appetite isn't there, even preparing a simple meal can feel like a long and difficult process. It definitely feels easier to stay in bed and skip meals, especially during these cold and dark months of the year. I know the feeling. But even just a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits can help to lift your spirits. A bowl of porridge in the microwave is quick way to get a warm and filling source of food without much effort. You can add some stuff on top (fruits, seeds, etc.). I've increasingly been doing this myself when I don't feel like preparing a full meal. It can be done in minutes and it'll help to keep your energy levels up. I hope you keep well

Hi Rose It sounds as if your doctor has told you that your leg is improving. That's something positive. You'd only really have to worry if he told you that it's not getting better, but that isn't the case. Try to do something to shift the focus away from your leg and medical-related stuff in general. It's Saturday evening so there's bound to be something on TV.