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About h_777

  • Birthday 07/12/1984

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  1. h_777

    Being admitted tomorrow...

    I'm really anxious. I'm packed, and almost ready, and I don't know what to do with myself, so trying to distract myself on the internet. I'm going to the hospital at 9am tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I don't really have too much more to say, so this isn't a long blog entry. I just wanted to let you all know where I'm going, and that I won't really be around for about a month. And thank you to everyone for the support and advice you've given me recently. I just want to be there now, so I don't have the anticipation anxiety anymore! The run up is always so much worse than the actual thing.
  2. ...and my head feels as though it will just explode because it cannot hold anymore. It cannot think anymore, it cannot do anymore. It can't even figure out how to start this blog entry - there is just too much to say and to figure out. And I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know what the words should be. Everything I feel presents itself as an abstract idea in my mind, as a shapeless, faceless thing. And there are no words to describe it because no one has ever seen it before. There is no word in this language for what is inside of me. I will just try to start somewhere. Right now I'm feeling horribly guilty about writing in this blog... like I think I have the right to just pour out everything to people who really have a lot more to worry about than what is going on with me. And I'm so so sorry that I haven't commented on anyone else's blog in such a long time... it's all I can do to focus long enough to write this. I know I should take so much more of an interest in my friends and their lives but I can't even deal with mine. I know that I never really reply to anyone on the forums anymore so please don't feel like you have to reply to this!! I know I should make more of an effort. So many things are happening around me at the moment, my sister is getting married on Saturday, and so there are a lot of things that need to be planned. Dresses, suits, flowers, place settings, photographers, music, readings, invites, food... and the worst thing for me is that I cannot be excited about it in the same way that everybody else is. It's just passing me by and I'm worried that I'm going to look back on these few weeks with regret because I didn't join in as much as I could have done. I feel so selfish, so I can't talk to my parents about things, as they are dealing with my sister and the big day at the moment. I don't want them to have to worry about me at the same time. But I think I'm very ill at the moment. I don't know whether it is the increase in my medication or not but all I can think about is suicide and self harm, and I can only hope at the moment that my arm looks ok when I am in my bridesmaid's dress. I feel so awful to be thinking about this stuff when I should be so happy for my sister instead. It's going to be one of those days where I'm looking happy in all the pictures, but secretly dying inside isn't it. I'm behind on everything, my to do list is 2 sides of A4 paper at the moment and I just can't motivate myself. I can't concentrate! The only time I can stay focussed is when I am playing a computer game, either in the arcade here or on facebook, or when I am completing a puzzle like sudoku or a crossword. Something where my brain is fully occupied in thinking and calculating. Reading has become so hard again, and I did really well last year, I got through quite a few books. But now I read a sentence and it just doesn't go in. I read it again and again and I still don't understand it, even if it is really simple english. I am constantly doing this funny thing with my eyes now, where they just don't feel right, so I have to move them around and blink etc etc, and I'm doing it so much it gives me a headache!! I've tried to just ignore it when my eyes don't feel right but it bugs me so much that I have to do the movement. I am booking in to go to the hospital on May 7th - after the bank holiday weekend. I finish at work on April 30th, then I have the long weekend to get myself ready. I'm going to be doing a course on mindfulness which I really really hope will work because I love that philosophy, of just being, and not thinking or analysing who you are or why you are, but just accepting the fact that you are. I wish more than anything that I could overcome my thoughts about my existence and the point of it all. I wish that I could feel comfortable with Life as it is, and not always be trying to suss out the big idea, or change everything. My other huge goal is to like and accept myself, although I don't know how I am going to achieve that one, but I'm hoping they will have some advice and ideas in the hospital. I can't really write any more right now, but truly thank you to anyone who has gotten this far through my tangled rambling. I hope I can soon begin to return the favour and offer more advice and support to others too. Holly
  3. h_777

    Preparing for the end

    Rachie is right. I thought I would never cope with not having therapy every week, but at the moment I am going every 2 or 3 weeks and it hasn't been impossible. No one is saying it's going to be really easy, because you know what, it won't. But every new step is always scary and feels big. But when you are doing it, you realise it wasn't so bad. Take a look back at your blog post just before this one. You even called yourself superwoman and you were so happy with your achievement. That doesn't sound like someone who can't see how she's improved to me. I think the knowledge is there, inside, but you just have to remind yourself of it. I know that's hard. Some days I think, yes, I'm feeling really good, and I've done well today. And then the next I can just switch to being really down and practically suicidal because I think I can't do anything. And I hate that, but I have to try really hard to remind myself of how I felt the day before when things were better. And I think you need to do that to - remind yourself how good it felt to be in charge of that whole class, and how you thought you'd never be able to do it in a million years, but you did. You can do this too, just like everything else. I have faith in you! H xx
  4. h_777

    Why is nothing ever simple?

    Wow, ok I know that's a depressing blog title, but I'm just in need of a little rant, please forgive me. First, thank you Sarah, Rachie, and Nima for your lovely comments and advice and support. It means a lot and I don't really think I deserve it, but let's not go there. They were nice to read. So, an update on the situation - I have definitely decided that I want to go into hospital, and one part of me thinks that it is what I need. The other part of me is telling me to stop being an attention seeker but argh, I'm trying so hard not to listen to it. Then I am worrying what people will think - I will have to tell my friends and family members. I'm actually not worrying about whether they will think I'm 'crazy'... it's not that. But more, I'm doubting my decision, and so I'm worried that others will think it is the wrong choice, or that hospital is a bit extreme for me, because they don't know the full details of how I am feeling. I'm worried that they won't believe that I need to go in there, and that they will think I am doing it for the attention. I need this to stop, I need to stop thinking that for everything I do, I have some ulterior motive behind it. I want to be able to trust myself!! If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?!?! How can I not even believe my own thoughts? Then there is the problem of work. See, (I thought) that I was being made redundant. My department were all sat down a few weeks ago and told, that as of the 18th April, our jobs would cease to exist, as the office was being restructured. It was a shock and I was scared that I would not be able to afford to go back to Uni, if I didn't have this job, as it is so well paid. But then I resigned myself to the fact, and I even (in a fleeting moment of optimism) began looking at other jobs, in the publishing industry - as that is what I hope to do when I am older. It was also actually a good thing, because it meant that I could finish up here and arrange my hospital stay for after the 18th. But THEN they completely messed me up by going back on everything, and saying that my job was only 'at risk' and that nothing was settled yet. Basically there are a lot of complaints against the management at the moment, for the way they have handled all of this. First they come straight out and tell us that as of 18th we will no longer have jobs. Then they take us through the 'consultancy period', which they should have done at first anyway, the upshot of which has turned out that they want me here for at least until 18th MAY. Add to that the fact that the woman I actually work with keeps telling me that between me and her, she thinks I will be here till September, and you have yourself a right royal mess. In which I am completely tangled up and I'm so confused. How dare they tell me one thing, then another, and then another, and who do I believe??? At my last consultation I asked them for definite the date that I would have to leave, and they said that they can't tell me yet. I said that I wouldn't be able to stay on until the end of May, as I now have to go to hospital for a month, and they said, can't you put it off? Ever since things got changed around in my office it's been awful anyway, the tension is horrible and 2 new people have been brought in over us to take over when we leave - and they're basically saying how **** our system is and how they will have to change it all. I don't enjoy it here anymore, all I want is to leave as soon as possible now, and go to the hospital and sort myself out, and then find a job that I like more. But it's so much easier said than done. I'm so worried about telling my manager as they really want me to stay on here. It's flattering to know that I'm doing that good a job, but it's just causing me more hassle because I can't let anyone down. I don't want to miss out on the opportunity I have of going to hospital. I know that I am really lucky to have the means and the opportunity of getting intensive CBT and counselling because so many people who are worse off than me can't get any help. I feel incredibly guilty for that, so the least I can do is take the chance I have been given. It just seems like such a lot to deal with at the moment. H
  5. h_777


    woohoooo!!! well done Sarah I'm very proud of you x x x x x x
  6. h_777

    In a panic please help

    I remember I felt pretty rough on Citalopram at first, as a lot of people seem to. But I was eventually on 60mg feeling fine physically. How long have you been on 20 Carolyn? (apologies if you already said) it might just take some time? If your psych said it would be ok to go to 16mg, I guess you could but I wouldn't go any lower without the advice. Hope you are feeling better soon x
  7. h_777

    new here

    sorry i thought we were all just discussing? :blushing: comparing what we thought? I actually just thought your thread was interesting and I wanted to join in...
  8. Hi just wanted to add my well dones to the post. Go Sarah! It's funny you saying about having things touching. I never thought about it before whenever you mentioned it, but now I remember that I never could have any electrical items touching incase they caught fire. Fire was always my big fear, and so wires couldn't touch and nothing was allowed near a wall socket! Strange the things you forget. Well done for putting the controls in the drawer together. Also while I'm here I may as well add something. I too was terrified of the phone, I never answered it, let alone actually calling someone myself. Well since I have been working in the office I have had to make dozens of calls to clients. I was so scared but now I'm actually quite good on the phone Occasionally I still prepare my 'script' before dialling but even if I forget what I was phoning for (my phobia) I can say, 'you know what, I've forgotten what I was phoning you for!' and then we laugh and all the anxiety is gone. It's really amazing and perhaps my biggest achievement to date. H
  9. h_777

    new here

    I agree, of course you can be a good responsible person without the OCD, i.e. checking the locks once or twice but not 100... Some of my 'OCDs' I guess I would say were useful, like to an extent my organising, (everything in order/ tidy/ clean) but then they do not really cause me any anxiety and so I wouldn't actually call them OCD... a little obsessive personality maybe but then yes that is me and I am content to know that I will always be a perfectionist who likes CDs in alphabetical order, and socks colour co-ordinated. My real OCD goes deeper than that, like my constant analysing and questioning, and I would dearly love to be free of this inner voice that second guesses EVERY SINGLE thought I have, trying to decide if it was really 'me' who thought it, or if it was somebody else that I was just copying... or the whirring in my brain at 3am getting me so worked up about whether the Universe is real, or whether there is a God, or whether I need to really be here, or where 'here' is, to the point that I am ready to end it all. Or the part of me that won't let me do any jobs until they are down in a list and prioritised, and then ticked, double-ticked, crossed through once, twice, 3 times, highlighted, then crossed out again and eventually scribbled over to ensure that I have 'really' done them. I would give anything to be able to trust myself and my mind and my memory. That part of OCD is an illness, but like you there are other quirks or personality things that I know are just always going to be there and I don't mind. Anyway just my 2 cents worth! Vic, just realised we have the same quote on our signatures! It's a good one. H
  10. h_777


    Hey, I went to the psychiatrists this morning, my parents were there and we all had a big chat about how I have been doing recently. The results of which are, I have had my dosage upped again, to 200mg of Sertraline, and I'm also going to go into hospital for a bit. As you've probably guessed therefore, I'm not doing too well at the moment. But the thing is, following on from what I wrote last time, I think that I know why now. I know why I have not made much progress - I know that I am holding myself back until I am 'ready', which if I carry on like this, I will never be. My parents and I had actually talked about the possibility of me going to stay at the hospital for a week or 2, so that I could be away from my daily distractions and really make some effort at the therapy. I was worried about the cost, but apparently the health insurance my dad has includes 2 budgets, one for outpatient care and one for inpatient - and since I have only been an outpatient so far, I still have an allowance for any inpatient care that I need. Which resolves that worry. Even though I had myself voiced the idea of hospital before now, with my parents, it was still a shock to hear the Dr. say it himself... but then recently I have been a little shocked at a few things they have told me at the hospital. Mainly the terms that they use - I've always been concerned with my 'diagnosis', in exact words, and I have known that I had OCD for 2 years now. But they are also saying that the depression is now fairly prominent. Also my therapist mentioned mood swings and 'manic' periods at my last session (her word not mine). Which shocked me too. But I guess next time I see her I can ask her more about that. Overall I think it would be a positive experience for me to go into the hospital for a bit. They are saying 4 weeks. But I won't actually be going for another 3 weeks I don't think as I am going to stay at work for a bit and then my sister is getting married and all sorts of things are planned. I'm doing ok in a general, 'just hanging on to life' way so I will be ok until then. It's just if I really want to try and conquer this and change the way things are then I need a more intense therapy plan, and that's what I will get when I'm there. My OCD has been pretty bad recently, with all the lists and logic and order that I have to do everything in. Also I have been worried that I am becoming obsessed with my therapist and I'm not sure if how I feel is normal or if I really am too attached. I'll write more about that later, as I have to go in a minute. I'm also still obsessing about big questions of life and reasons and the future that I can't answer and it hurts so much. They think that a change of scenery and being able to get away from all the lists and rules that I set myself at home will be good for me and is really worth a try. We will see. H
  11. h_777

    New Blog - A Sort of Testimony

    Hi Blog. Once again I have deleted my entry in here, (there was only one this time). It wasn't right and it didn't say what I wanted it to say. But it's ok because I am writing another one, and this one will stick. Because things are going to be different now. I have decided to face my problems head on, if anyone's interested. For the longest time I have known that something was wrong, and that I needed to deal with it, but I have not been able to. Perhaps I have not wanted to. The thing is my life has been moving so quickly, it has been all I can do to keep up with it on a day to day basis. I have been getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, watching TV, and going to bed. Every day is the same. At the weekends I am so pleased to just have some time off to myself that I spend it all on my laptop, or just lazing. If I have to see people then that takes up a lot of time too and then I find that I have not actually achieved anything that I wanted to. For whatever reason, (probably and most likely due to my severe obsession with logic and order), I have been unable to make steps towards recovering from whatever it is that is wrong with me, (OCD or something else - I'll get to that later!). I know that this may sound stupid but I always go by a very strict to-do list, and I actually have as an item on my to-do list, 'sort myself out'. By this I mean any number of things - my mind, my self-esteem, my OCD, my depression, my anxiety, my fears, my self-harm, my body image, my thought processes, my intrusive thoughts, my future plans. They are all things that I know I need to face, but because 'sort myself out' comes somewhere near the bottom of my list, they never get dealt with. Items with more priority are things like ironing, washing, making the bed, cleaning out the hamsters, making phone calls, paying bills, writing letters - everyday things. I hope this is making sense, in the simplest terms, just making it through life each day has gotten completely and utterly in the way of actually facing my issues and making some sense of them. I have been labouring under the misapprehension that it would be better to just live my life, rather than getting myself caught up in all the thoughts and rituals and swirling depression. And I suppose to an extent that's true - in an ideal world getting on with life would eventually become easier and easier and I would move on from all this over time. But I have come to realise that this just isn't going to be the case, for me at least. Because all that has happened is I have lived my life (barely at times) for nearly 2 years now - with the diagnosis of OCD - and here I am, nearly 2 years later, feeling the same if not worse about my life. Yes I have got here without killing myself or just bottoming out, but this isn't how I want to be. This isn't a life that I want, clinging on by my fingertips just to make it through 24 hours, over and over. There are so many things that I hate about myself and about my life right now. That's not meant as a depressing, defeatist statement - it's just a fact. But I do want to do something about it and I do want to change. At my appointment last Thursday I sensed that my therapist was beginning to give up on me, and I got scared that if I didn't make more of an effort she wouldn't want to help me anymore. Which was when I began thinking about the reasons that I haven't made much, if any, real progress. And I came up with what I have written above. It's not a case of not wanting to get better, it's more that I need to get better in the 'right' way. I have lists and plans just like with everything else in my life and it physically hurts to think that they are not going to help me in the slightest with these bigger 'life changes' I need to make. It's not possible to list everything about you, I mean everything, and then document everything as you change it. Because life is so random, and some days you are up and some days you are down, sometimes you are one person, and other days you feel completely different. I know it seems like I am saying this easily, and as if I believe it, but I don't. I refuse to accept that I can't have the amount of control over myself and my life that I crave. It hurts. But I guess what I am trying to say here in this 'Testimony' is that I do want to do something about this, because I cannot go on for much longer the way I am right now. When I say that I don't want to live, I don't want to live like this. I can't do it anymore. I'm driving myself crazy and I am going to self destruct if I don't stop. If I'm going to actually enjoy my life eventually I have to do this. H
  12. thank you for your reply sarah and for your little message last night that meant a lot to me. it is always good to know that you are not the only one feeling a certain way so don't worry if you can't think of anything to help, because it does help anyway. my head is so completely full of huge questions that i don't want to be thinking about it's torture it is tormenting. i think about the world and the universe and God and if there is a god and what is the point and what am i supposed to do if anything and is there a right way and a wrong way to live your life. i wonder what the point is to earth and to life and why it is here and why we are here. and there are no answers and it kills me. i don't know what to do with life and i don't know anything. sometimes i feel useless but that is not the main issue really. because i know i am not useless. i know i can do things i just don't know what the point is supposed to be. it all seems so futile. why there is a planet and who made it if it was anyone. and so if there is a God what does that make us just some experiment? what would there be if there was no life? is it worth carrying on with it or should i just cut and run now is that cowardly or is it brave? i know that i have an addiction to self harm. i know that i don't do it because i am sad or angry or frustrated i do it to feel the high. it is all i can think about and write about because i love it.
  13. i have calmed down a bit more now. thank u Kylie so much for your response to me when i was angry and probably didn't make too much sense. i am very down today though. yes it does seem like it would be easier to remain this way forever and i do think a part of me, at times a very large part, would prefer to stay this way. i can't really think of a reason for wanting to change for myself. i can think of all my family and friends who would be so sad without me and would blame themselves and i don't want to do that to them. it just feels like at some point i should be living for myself, surviving for myself for my own sake, because i want to and not just so that i don't upset anyone else. i feel like i should care more about myself and what i do to myself but i can't muster up that emotion. i am self destructive, every time i feel a bit better i deliberately make it worse again, like with the self harm. i did it because it scared me so much that i had gone for a month without it. it scared me that i wasn't doing it anymore like i had lost that part of myself and i wanted it back to say it's ok i still need you. as far as the depression goes i have felt this way on and off for a long long time. I am on Sertraline 150mg a day before that it was citalopram. i didn't recognise it as depression though, and we don't tend to talk about it in therapy so much. we discuss much more general things now like how my job is and my future, and when i think i won't need the meds or the sessions any more. i don't like it and i wish i could tell her describe to her the way i feel right now the way i feel a lot but whenever i go in there i can't. i smile and i laugh and i make so many jokes and i make light of the ocd and the depression and even the self harm like it is a big joke like i am taking it all for granted hey ho there's not a lot i can do about it right?? and i hate myself for doing that for not being honest and i hate my mouth and my tongue for refusing to let me speak the way i want to. i need a reason to change to try and help myself move on for once and for all. even if it is not a smooth ride even if i trip and fall and go backwards again and again at least i will be able to look back and say that was it that was the day i decided to try to turn my life around. because i think that's how it should be it should be a journey of some sort. i don't know why i can never remember how awful this feels. when i wake up the morning after harming and i have to go and check that i cleaned up properly and it's stinging and i am dazed and i have to be careful what to wear and i'm not thinking straight - why can't i remember that that is what it is going to feel like if i do it again??? Because everytime I think yeah this will make me feel better and it always does for 5 minutes and maybe longer and then it's gone and i feel like a loser who is holding herself back. 2 of my friends also used to harm but now they have stopped and moved on and i am still stuck where we used to be i'm the only one still doing it. but then i look at my arm and i don't really feel bad i feel calm because i like to look at it. and it doesn't bother me. i don't know what i think about anything. anything. all of my thoughts and opinions i am worried that they are not really mine and i am just copying others or making them up i guess, is that ocd??? is my obsession that i'm not being myself? that i am lying or manipulating or copying? that i am not my own person so i can't say anything incase it is not the truth? i am so obsessed with the truth and good and perfection and 100% right and true and real. i don't know how to put that into words that other people will understand they ask me what my ocd is and i just say oh it's complicated. in some ways i wish i had an obsession that was obvious. mine's so hidden that even i don't believe i have ocd. i'm sorry for rambling, thank u for your advice Kylie.
  14. h_777

    Feeling low

    hi sarah i'm sorry i haven't been in touch nearly as much as i should recent;y. i feel bad. first know that i am still here for you hunny. :blushing: i know your therapist probably really upset you with what she said about choosing. on some level i think she has a point and please no one get angry at me for that. but i think it is possible to choose the way you want to be and to make changes to get to that point. it is horrible to feel depressed of course i know that and it feels like we have no choice because we can't see a way to make ourselves better. but i think you can choose to always try to see the good things about your day and your life, and you can choose to go out and socialise and try new things that scare you and accept that you can't be perfect but it doesn't matter. i know i choose my depression because in a twisted way i think it is easier and i know it and i understand it weirdly and i don't want to always be a happy confident person because then no one will want to help me and comfort me and i will be expected to do everything that i don't think i can do. and i choose to be depressed. i start to feel better and it scares me so i deliberately go backwards again. just like if i start to feel close to someone i get scared so i break up with them. because being happy and feeling better means moving on with your life and i am scared of that. of course this is just the way i am and if it is not you then i apologise and i am sorry because the therapist might be wrong about you. but i just understood what she was saying and i wanted to explain. x
  15. I don't know where to start. And my fingers are tapping are anxious so this typing might not make a lot of sense but i just have to write something and you don't have to reply but it would be nice just to have a bit of support i think thats what i really need right now. i don't even wnat solutions i dont thnk there are any that you could give me right now but just maybe lie to me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. i'm so lost. i dont know myself i dont know what i want to do or who i wat to be. i have just had a driving lesson and i lost it, completely lost my temper during the lesson i was so angry with ymself for not getting the flipping thing right and i have my test soona nd i just never feel confident in the car im always on edge and nervy and i couldn't get it right and my instructor was going, you've done it wrong now you need to do this that and the other and i couldn't think and all i could thnk was i'm such an idiot and a loser for not being able to do this and i just wanted him to shut up so i put the handbrake on and out of gear and i hit the steering wheel with my angry hands and i was crying and i felt like an idiot. and i was sitting there and he said i've never seen you like that and i don't have behaviour like that in my car. and i said i always feel like that every leson as soon as it goes wrong and i just hate myself and i want to stop the lesson and start again and get it right 100% completely right so that i feel like I can take my test and pass and he said that i should be able to calm myself down as i am an adult not a child how wrong he was. all i ever feel like is a child so small and lost and i hate myself. wednesday night was my one month anniversary of not self harming so i gave in and i did it anyway because i missed it and i was staying in a hotel with work and i stole a glass at the bar and took it to my bathroom and dropped it on purpose and it smashed everywhere glass so many small pieces around my bare feet and across the floor. and i sat down in the middle of the tiles and i chose the best piece. i still have it because i didn't want to throw it away. i kept 3 pieces. i don't know why i did it. i was drunk. i shouldn't get drunk. but there is no point telling ymself that. all i want to do right now is get drunk and hurt myself. i don't even know if this is me talking it might be but i could just be making it all up and lying and it might not really be me, i might be copying what i see and hear around me from other people. because i just don't know. what is me and what isn't and what i want to be me and whether that's ok and whether i'm just copying things and moulding myself based on other people and how do you ever relaly know if what youa re doing and what you believe in is the right thing to do and the right thing to believe in? right now i have just spent the last hour calming myself down enough to write this which u can see is still not that calm but i am not crying anymore. i have made tea. i have had something to eat. and things like that are supposed to be an achievement when you feel like this? why don't i feel like i have achieved anything? why do i not even feel bad for the self harm? why am i not bothered by the new cuts that will be scars that will need hiding? why don't i care? i don't care enoug about myself to care what i do to my body. the only reason i have ever thought about trying not to destroy myself is that my friends and familu would be upset. but i won't do it for myself. because it doesn't bother me enough. and if i actually did make the effor today to turn my day around how would i know if that was the start of changing? i need to know when the start date of my changing would be. i need to know when the beginning of my getting better is. i can't let it just happen to me without noticing i can't just start to get better without feeling it, without feeing all the hard work and effort that is supposed to go into it, without being in control of what i am doing and how i am changing and how it is hard so hard but i am doing it for good reasons and deep down i know i want to change. right now i don't know that i want to change deep down. it doesn't bother me either way. half of me is planning my future and cares about doing it. the other half does't even see a future because i am going to end up self destructing. and i don't care which.