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Sarahb

OCD-UK Member
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Everything posted by Sarahb

  1. I apologise if I am putting this in the wrong place. It has been a long time since I have posted, but had to share this positive experience. I am a Learning support assistant in a school and run a well being group for a small number of children. Our topic at the moment is anxiety and the plan was for them to draw their anxiety monster or a time when they have been anxious. To introduce the topic I told them about a poem I had written about my anxiety monster. I wrote it in 2008 and called it OCD Monster. I even showed the OCD-UK magazine where it had been printed and the picture in the other one where I am presenting it at an OCD-UK conference. I explained a bit about my OCD. Some of them knew someone who had OCD. They were very supportive and impressed. They asked me to read the poem to them and gave me a clap at the end. It was such a positive experience and I’m proud of the respect they showed me and their grown up response. They are 9/10 years old.
  2. Thank you Polar Bear. Great advice ? Hi Ashley I think the most amazing thing is that I can actually see I have achieved something and have to admit to it. I’m very good at saying I can’t do this and that as I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My work partner said only today that we should be proud of ourselves from making our business work, from just an idea we had over lunch. I usually do win with the OCD. It depend how tired or stressed I am. I don’t remember how poorly I was before, in the years when I was a regular on the forum. I somehow have blocked it out. My husband sometimes reminds me, as he never got over it. I never want to go down that road again. I find the school work very stressful, as I am way out of my comfort zone. In truth willing my contract to end. That’s when I know I have a long way to go anxiety wise. Onwards and upwards I hope ?
  3. A lot has happened since I last posted. The OCD has been there in the background, catching me when I’m tired. I even thought I may have borderline personality disorder, but that is another story. Last year I felt quite low, as my youngest would be starting school in September. I didn’t want her to. She was my baby and I wasn’t ready to lose both my children to school’s clutches. I saw the doctor for my medication review and he strongly advised me to apply for some counselling. Eventually I did through Mind. It was free, but because of this there was no flexibility on dates. Therefore due to short notice and other commitments I only had 3 of the 6 sessions. I wasn’t optimistic either about the outcome, but did go to three sessions and was grateful for them. We talked about having small goals to start with. Take each day as it comes and enjoy the time left before my youngest started school. I discussed with the counsellor about feeling that people would want me to work as soon as my daughter started school and this filled me with extremely strong anxiety. So I felt very low and anxious. I did however have a goal to run my own pre-school classes with my best friend for 3-5 year olds. I never thought it would happen.? Amazingly I am now jointly running a pre-school preparation class with my best friend and it is going well. I love planning the sessions, but haven’t built up the confidence to teach yet. We have even grown from one session a week to two. Also in a January I made myself apply for a 1:1 afternoon teaching assistant and I got the job. So I now work two mornings a week and every afternoon (Mon-Fri). Unfortunately my OCD has become a bit stronger at the school and I find myself checking things again as before. Not as much as I used to in my office job years back, when I had to quit, but could this just be the start? I have forgotten how to deal with this monster ?
  4. Hi Caramoole I have two now. My eldest is 6 in May. My youngest has just turned 3. How time flies! I feel so guilty when I talk about them, as I am not a great Mum. Due to my anxiety I get so stressed and irritable. I'm so proud of them, that they shine even with having me as a Mum. They are having t put up with a very anxious Mum with low self esteem and low mood. I don't feel people understand me and am feeling lonely. I therefore thought I would drop a line on here to say hi. It feels like coming back home
  5. Hi there It has been a while since I posted on here. Partly because I thought my OCD had become quite mild and didn't affect me the way it used to. I still had moments, but I had OCD more or unless under control. I have checking OCD. Today I was doing the party bags for my daughter's birthday and I really struggled to do them. I couldn't remember what I had already out in the bag or I doubted myself about what I had put in and had to start all over again many times. If one of my children interrupted me in my task it was even worse. I got hot and stressed. Although my OCD has been more or less under control, my general anxiety is still a huge part of my life that it is almost chocking me and I have been so, so stressed about the party for weeks. It has made me feel really anxious and really low. This party bag thing distressed me, as it showed me that the OCD is there and could get me at any moment ?
  6. Thanks for your message Fobic Fairy :original: I had been doing so well and the OCD has been okay. Like you say having a child takes up so much of my time. It seems that it is general anxiety that is affecting me more now. I suppose that is why I haven't come onto the forum to talk about it. I still check things, but nowhere near how much I used to. I have been doing a lot of thinking and what worries me about going back to therapy is that I become so reliant on therapists. I haven't ruled it out though. I really don't want to go back on meds. I hope I can get through this blip without needing help. I think I know what triggered the low mood. I stopped going to a choir I joined last year. I liked being part of a group and I love singing. It was the social anxiety that made it impossible in the end. I then got really down about my anxiety and the way it stops me from doing things. Also this real worry about the way the anxiety is affecting my daughter. I'll work it out :original: Sarah xx
  7. Hi there Caramoole Just found an old message from you from 2008 when I had finished therapy and I was feeling positive about the future. I have been going down memory lane a bit, because I have been feeling pretty low, irritable and anxious recently and wanted to remind myself how far I had come. It has made me realise that I shouldn't try and get therapy or meds this time round, because I rely on them to strongly. I need to beat it on my own this time. This is linked to my topic, because I am worried about how my frame of mind at the moment is affecting my daughter at the moment. I know she notices my worry because she says, 'Don't worry Mummy'. This breaks my heart. She is only 2. She worries sometimes too and needs reassurance to stop her worrying. There has been progress though. We do painting and sticking at home and I try not to get irritable about the mess. I sometimes spoil it by getting upset and cross, but I am trying. My OCD is a lot better, but believe this is partly because I am at home most of the time and don't go out for long if I go anywhere, so my need to check is a lot less than when I was working and out all day. My problem now is the anxiety - overall (I worry all the time) and my social anxiety. I am also always tired and irritable most of the time. I don't think I should go down the therapy or meds route, but I am struggling. It is work in progress at the moment :original: Well that's what is happening so far. Sarah
  8. Thanks Carol. It will be difficult for me, but I will give it a go. Good exposure for both of us
  9. Hi all. Sorry I haven't been around for ages. Didn't realise how tiring having a toddler would be! I have had checking/ responsibility OCD for about 13 years. My 16 month old daughter is developing wonderfully. She is a happy, contented child. She constantly chats and has a good understanding of what people are saying to her. But, she is starting to get very worried if she gets food on her hands or drops food in her bib or on the table. She won't eat until I have cleaned it up. I know when she was a lot younger I would clean up spills and dirty hands pretty quickly, because I didn't want her to get food in her hair or on her clothes. I don't like food or dirt on my own hands and have to wash them pretty quickly if I get them dirty. I am worried that I have made my daughter like this and it is the start of something bigger like OCD. Also my OCD flairs up when I am tired and I check whether I have switched off lights or that things are clean before putting them down. When I do this I count and click my fingers etc. I know I need to stop it and I do try and do things in my head instead. She worries if she knocks books off the shelf too (not such a serious problem). I don't want to cause my daughter to have OCD. I don't know whether anyone has experienced anything like this and has any advice? Thanks Sarah xx
  10. Thank you very much for your replies I have thought about changing the steriliser again, but like Mummywithocd said, it would be giving in to the OCD. What you said about the time your steriliser took (3-5 minutes) and about the lid has really helped. This must be right then. I know I wash the bottles thoroughly too, which is also important. I was sorry to hear that you can barely remember your son's first 7 months :hug: I keep a journal and take a photo every day to help me remember. I haven't missed a day yet photo wise. Thank you again to all. I am trying really hard to beat this and am thinking of all my fellow sufferers. Sorry I am not on here very often to be able to offer support. It is a bit hectic at the moment with baby teething, but hopefully soon I can be of more help.
  11. Thank you for your replies. I have tried really hard these last couple of days to ignore the OCD and get on with things. It worked with not checking the flask was shut properly too many times, but the steriliser is still a problem. It took me nearly half an hour to make up a feed and set up/keep an eye on the steriliser. Half an hour of my baby's life. She wanted me to play with her and I was too busy checking the steriliser The steriliser keeps playing up though and doesn't seem to run long enough even though it is new. Saying that it doesn't give a time in the manual. The argos catalogue says it should take 5 mins or up to 5 mins (I can't remember) and the lid keeps lifting up. Most of the time not enough to leave a gap for air to get in. Most of the time just a little bit each side, which doesn't leave a gaping gap. This morning the lid came off at the front so there was a gap. I therefore had to resterilise. I just don't trust it to leave it alone to do it's thing. I suppose as they don't give a time in the manual and just says it will switch off when finished I should trust that it is doing it right, whatever the duration. I just don't want to do anything to harm my baby. But I am doing that letting the OCD win I spoke to someone earlier and she said that she changed her steriliser 4 times, because she wasn't sure they were working properly. She doesn't have OCD. Maybe I am just being a conciensious Mum? If I can't beat this myself I will go to the GP and get some meds or try and get a top up of therapy. I just know this can't go on
  12. Last week my OCD and anxiety came back big time. My baby girl is 4 months old now and I had been coping reasonably well. From 3 months she has been moving alot in her sleep at night. She is in our room still and the noise keeps me awake, meaning I keep losing out on sleep. I am absolutely exhausted. Then last week our steam steriliser stopped working and this (I think) set off the OCD big time. We have bought a new steam steriliser, but I don't trust it and have to keep checking it. I worry constantly it is not doing it's job properly and that I am going to make my baby very ill from bottles not sterilised properly. I am worrying about it constantly. I just can't switch off. This has got me checking everything else all the time too - taps, formula lids, etc, etc. I don't want to go back on meds, because these will make me more tired. I don't know if I can see a therapist, because I don't know who will look after my baby, while I go and getting bottles etc ready for the person looking after her would make me more anxious. Also I went private before, because of long waiting list, but don't think we can afford to this time. I really want to enjoy this time with my baby, but at the moment the OCD is overshadowing it. I think I may even be depressed due to it. I am constantly crying and see no solution to all this. I need to stop all this OCD/anxiety, before it gets too bad. Can anyone help? Thanks Sarah
  13. Sarahb

    Poets Corner

    A Mountain to Climb A mountain to climb again A hidden trap to catch me A dense forest to be lost in That caught me unawares The dark, black cloud has returned Will I ever see the sun again? I thought I had won this battle That I was free and strong How can I disappoint my loved ones by falling backwards, slipping up? I can't let this happen. I won't let it happen I can't let it win
  14. Thank you very much for the lovely messages :original: I think the OCD is worse than it usually is at the moment, because I have a supply teacher leading the class, instead of my normal teacher. I therefore have a lot more responsibility. Sarah xx
  15. Hi All, I just wanted to let those who know about my OCD journey that today I have been taken off all medication and am no longer seeing my psychiatrist. It was my decision, although my psychiatrist and I had been preparing for this day for a while. My OCD is still present every day and I check many things at work and at home. I think I am able to manage the OCD better now and am coping a lot better. I don't think I will ever be free of this, but I have the tools now to fight it. If I don't give myself a chance to try and cope with the OCD without medication and professional help, I will never know if I can do it. There are always safety nets. Seeing my therapist again or making an appointment with my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist thinks that there is only a 1% chance that this will happen. I am determind to do this, even though I am nervous and unsure. Sarah xx
  16. Well done Northern Star :clapping: Go for it PolytheneBoy! It is great to see this thread again :original: This is a great thread for motivating you to challenge the OCD and other anxieties. I found it invaluable when things were really bad. I may add some of my own soon, although I am much stronger now and am doing things I never thought possible. :original: I need to start using my alarm clock, because this week I have already managed to fall asleep with my breakfast in my hand and thrown it everywhere in my sleep. I avoid using the alarm. I hope to start using my alarm clock or my phone alarm starting next Monday. Sarah xx
  17. Thank you for all your lovely comments. I feel quite overwhelmed. I would also like to congratulate Sally B and her husband :clapping: (I know I have already sent a pm to Sally). I found their talk very informative and interesting. I felt quite emotional too, knowing what my husband must have been going through from listening to the talk. I loved the box idea. I thought the singing was excellent too. Karley you are very talented :clapping: Thanks again for the comments. They mean so much. Sarah xx - I still can't use the phone :blushing: but I am teaching the class sometimes.
  18. Thank you for your lovely replies :original: I am going to print this out to remind me how far I have come. Sarah xx
  19. Sorry Admin/moderators. I have managed to post this 3 times in my anxiety. Please could someone reduce it to one copy? Thanks and sorry :blushing: Sarah
  20. I have been putting off writing this post, because I was unsure how to write it or what the response from other forum users would be. I hope that my post will give other sufferers hope and the courage to beat this awful disorder. I have had OCD since I was about (maybe before) 18. It gradually got worse as time went on and I gave into it. I had really bad times and even had a 2 week spell in hospital in December 2006. But now I am so much better. I still have OCD. I doubt it will ever fully go away, but it is so much more manageable. I am stronger now and won't allow the OCD to ruin my life anymore. Last Wednesday I had my last therapy session. My therapist is pleased at how far I have come and says I am a completely different person from when she met me in October 2007. I do feel so much stronger and my confidence is growing too. Some people on the forum probably remember me as the shy, not very confident person, who would put herself down at every opportunity. Also saying that nobody understands me and that I can't fight the OCD. I know to take each ritual at a time and beat it throught exposure. To set goals and step by step work towards them. It is hard, but it is rewarding :original: I still put myself down at times and am not confident very often, but I make myself come across as confident at work and this seems to help me be confident. My therapist has given me the tools to fight off the OCD whenever it comes to haunt me and I know, even though it is hard, that I can beat it. I also saw my Psychiatrist today. Hopefully I have only one more session with him at the end of November. He has reduced my Quatiapine and it will be reduced every 3 weeks. He has written out the instructions for me. By November I will be down to 50mg a day, from 200mg a day. I am also on the lowest dose of Prozac. Everything is sounding positive there. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is hard and I know it looks as if there is no end to the pain you are going through. But you can beat this. :original: Sarah xx
  21. I'm on 20mg of Prozac and I have bad dreams every night. I wouldn't say mine were as bad as nightmares. I found this thread very interesting, because I wondered whether the medication has something to do with these bad dreams. Sarah
  22. My husband, Simon and myself have booked into the Purple Hotel from Friday to Saturday. We would still like to join in with drinks or a meal on the Saturday evening and will drive home late. I am so nervous, because I am reading one of my poems at the conference (first time to have done this) so I will need a drink afterwards :a1_cheesygrin: Sarah xx
  23. I am reading it at the moment and am really enjoying it. I am finding it interesting, because her world revolves around numbers and especially the number 10. I also have a special number, which is 4. It is also a very funny book and I find myself laughing in the staff room and then get all embarressed. :blushing:
  24. Yesterday at work I undertook my biggest achievement to date!! I supervised and was in charge of a whole class all morning. As most people know I am a Learning Support Assistant in a Year 2 class, in a great school. The teacher needed to have her usual planning time that she has every Friday morning with the other Year 2 class teacher. The LSA who usually comes in to help me (and lead the class, until I am confident enough to do that myself), had to cover another class and the other LSA, in our class, who works with a child who has hearing difficulties was off sick. The teacher gave me the option to take another LSA out of another class to support me, but that would mean another LSA would be on her own. I therefore decided to look after the class on my own. My friends will know what a big step this was. The children had choosing time (which the teacher said was harder to control than if they had been given structured work to do, because the chilldren were all doing different things). I needed to help some children to finish off their design work, listen to readers and keep an eye on the class. I also had the child who has hearing and sight difficulties to look after. Everything was fine. The children more or less behaved. I got them ready for playtime and lunch. In fact I quite enjoyed having control of the class. I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the morning. I am so, so proud of myself and it is great to have been able to prove to myself that I can do it. :original:
  25. Sarahb

    Poets Corner

    Awwww. Thank you Max. That means so much to me :original: I will continue to read your poems too. Keep writing!! Sarah xx
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