Sarahb

Thanks Melissa :original: I love Year 2. The children still need your help and you feel needed. Saying that I was helping a year 3 child with his art work today. He is one of the children that requires the most help and is a bit of a daydreamer, so needs to be kept on task. I had a little joke with him to try and keep him working, calling him Mr (his surname). He loved that and he got his work done. I was so proud of him. He had to decorate a fish using foil to make scales. He did so well. It is times like this that make my job worthwhile and to remind why I am fighting my ocd and anxiety issues. I still feel low at times and last night thought about self harming. Then I thought if I harm myself I won't be able to go into school and then I would lose my job. So I stopped myself harming. I know there will be down times and times when I will get upset, but hopefully the good times will outweigh the bad. :original: Sarah xx

Hi Donut :original: I know how you feel, as I have had these thoughts many times. When I was off sick, I couldn't see myself going back to work. When I started working again, I felt that I was no good at my job and still have these thoughts a lot. I am not sure how I am going to cope in September. The way I cope is through determination. The OCD will not win. I know that is easier said than done and I am sorry if I am being no help at all. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I really feel for you, because I have felt/feel the way you do :hug: I hope things get better soon. Sarah xx

Thanks Shar :original: I have put the full transition afternoon (new class) story on my blog. Sarah xx

Thank you so much Legend :original: I couldn't have done it without my friends on here. I am quite proud of myself for once. I was quite scared, but I felt like a proper LSA today and did the job how I would be expected to do it. Sorry I am not boasting :blushing: or if I am I'm sorry.

aww, thank you Lawrie :original: I have always wanted to work with children and in the 2 years I was off sick I dreamt of being an LSA. I even have my preferred age group - year 2. Thank you to every one that has supported me through my highs and lows. I really appreciate it. Sarah xx

I met the new teacher today. She is a friend of my parents, so we know each other. She actually looked pleased to see me and to be working with me, which was a relief. We had a good and very busy afternoon with our new children. I was in charge of the drawing, cutting out and decorating sea life creatures. Glitter went everywhere. I am exhausted now! I forgot how much help year 2 children need. She drove me home after school, which was really kind. I told her about my ocd and she was lovely about it. Asked me how it affected me and told me to tell her if anything causes me problems due to my ocd. She is lovely. :original:

I am guilty of using more than one site now and again :blushing: I don't know whether I was one of the people Legend found. It all started when I left OCD-UK for a while and needed some support from somewhere else. Now I have found that I don't always get many responses on here to my posts, probably because people are fed up of me moaning. :blushing: I therefore look elsewhere as well for some support. I must say I moan a lot less now and try to be as positive as I can. My support network at home - therapist and psychiatrist got greatly reduced extremely fast and this affected me greatly. Saying that I would whole heartedly say that OCD-UK is the BEST OCD SITE and Ashley and his team do a great job. This is the best managed site and has so many lovely members. I help OCD-UK in a few different ways and have great respect for the team. I am willing to help out more if I am needed. Sarah xx

Hi I am sorry you are going through a difficult time with your OCD. :hug: I hope things get better soon. I think most of us have gone through what you have described and therefore can empathise with you. Your quote from Harry Potter would be a good inspirational quote for that post. Take care Sarah

Hi Smile I am on 20mg of Escitalopram as well as 200mg of Quatiapine. I must say that Escitalopram is the best medication I have tried. I am not sure what the max dose is. I hope you get it sorted out. Take care Sarah xx

Congratulations Lisa :clapping: What an inspirational story!! Sarah xx

I would like to, but would need a therapist to keep me on track and motivated. A bit like you have meetings for weight watchers. Unfortunately my psychiatrist won't let me have another therapist, because I get to reliant on them.

I am no longer having cbt. I found cbt too hard. I wish I could have coped with it, because I had a lovely cbt therapist and I let her down. I want to see my psychiatrist to touch base I suppose. He is the one that can get me one to one therapy. I am too scared to cross him by finding someone myself. I still see a family therapist with my husband, but feel I need someone to talk to about my self loathing issues along with my self esteem issues and confidence problems. I need a boost. I just don't know whether this is enough of a reason to see him. Sarah xx

Two weeks ago I thought I had my OCD at a manageable level and things were going well. I thought that at last my medication was really working. I have been so lucky to have been given a chance and offered a job for next term. Things were going well. Recently though my OCD has taken a turn for the worse and I have to check everything. I can't put anything down on a surface or put anything away unless I have checked the object and the surface many times. I worry about the paper in my tray at work. That it is getting creased and ruined. I am checking the front and back doors a lot again before leaving the house and worry I am going to break the doors. Our front door was new this year. I wonder if it is because I am so tired and stressed, due to going back to work full time. I don't know whether I should try and arrange an appointment with my psychiatrist. I haven't seen him since April and before that I was seeing him once a month. It is expensive, because my Mum pays for it privately for me. The thing is I am starting quite a stressful job for me in September and I am very worried about it. The summer holidays would be the best time for me really. Looking for advice if possible :original: Sarah xx

Thanks Sweetie :original: I have been shy since I was little. I don't think I am ever going to be able to change that. I worry though that it makes me come across moody and uninterested in the other person. Oh well. Sarah xx

Thanks so much Caramoole and Sweetie. Your replies actually made me emotional and tearful :blushing: You are so kind and a great support. I went on my class' school trip to the seaside and a wildlife park. I am feeling so much more positive today. I enjoyed the day. The adults got to feed the animals too, which was great fun :a1_cheesygrin: I felt the children respected me and let me join in their fun. I got on with the adults a lot better today too. I chatted a little bit more (I am so shy). Thank you again :original: Sarah xx

Oh thank you so much for your replies :original: Sweetie, what you said really made sense and I could see myself when reading your reply. I think I need to keep reminding myself that I have OCD and that to deal with on top of the job and that is going to make a difference. Also the other LSA has 2 children and the teacher has been teaching for years. I am reasonably new to all this and don't have children myself. It is not an excuse, but a way to see things differently. I am counting down the days to the end of term. I will then be safe in my house. Sarah xx

Yesterday evening I spent most of the time crying. I was upset because I am no good at the job of LSA. I just can't control the children's behaviour and one particular child now ignores me when I tell him to stop doing certain things. The teacher and other LSA tend to whisper to each other and I feel very left out. I know I need to get a thicker skin, but it is easier said than done. I have read so much on self esteem and self confidence and went to groups on this subject when I was in hospital. If I could think of any job I could do I would try and do that, but I can't think of any. That is if I could sell myself at an interview - not likely. I need a secret, quiet corner to hide in. Sorry to write yet another moany post, but I need some friendly support at the moment. I feel I could do with therapy more than ever. Never mind :blushing: Sarah xx

I would be interested :original: Thanks Sarah xx

Great post Carol :clapping: You are right. Encouragement is very important. There are so many inspirational people on the boards :original: Sarah xx

The head teacher came to me today and asked me to work full time from Monday!! It is good news, but I am going to miss my afternoon naps What a journey it has been :original: Sarah xx

Wow!! What great poems :clapping:

Hi Nima, You are not pathetic at all. Like Shar said you are going through a hard time at the moment. Take things each day at a time hunny. Sarah :original:

Thank you very much for all your lovely replies :original: I saw the head teacher today and told her I would like to accept the job. She was pleased. I met the children at the school trip last week and they seem really nice. One child who I was sitting with on the coach was very intelligent. That is when he wasn't saying, 'are we nearly there yet?' every 2 minutes :doh: Sarah xx

Thanks Shar and Caramoole :original: I am looking forward to it.

At the camping trip this weekend we were discussing poetry and Stuart read some of his poems to us. They were excellent :clapping: They seemed disappointed that I had deleted some of my poems from this thread a while back. I therefore thought I would put them back. I hope nobody minds :blushing: OCD-UK. Our Lifeline Support is so important It helps to set us free Without the love of others Where would we be? OCD-UK is a lifeline I couldn't live wihout The friends I've made are brilliant Without a shadow of a doubt We help one another When we are down And celebrate the good times When the come around Desperation My OCD has taken a hold of me It's grasp is so tight; I don't think I'll ever be free I dream of a day when my worries will be no more And I won't be a crying heap on the floor To be able to shop and cook for myself To be given a clean bill of health To work again all through the week Independence is all that I seek I feel so lonely. So out of place I can't even bear to look at my face A shadow of what I was before What is all the suffering for? I'm scared of what the future will bring Is this illness just a passing fling? Or will it be with me for evermore? A crying, desperate heap on the floor Along with the OCD comes the depression and doubt The anxiety is so strong I won't venture out I lock myself up day and night So the outside world cannot bite And is there a happily ever after? A time to look forward to? I can only hope right now If there is I don't know how The Positive Side OCD is seen as a devil that bullies and hinders me but when you think about it there are positives to see OCD has given me a gift a special personality It has made me careful and honest And one of great sensitivity So when you are feeling low And tired of your OCD just remember one thing there are positives to see Addiction You grip me and won't let me go You trick and tease me You grasp me so tight I can't breathe But I am addicted to you all the same You interrupt my thoughts You take my senses away You give me rituals to do But I am addicted to you all the same If I don't do as you say You take my comforts away I can't rest or think straight But I am addicted to you all the same I'm addicted to the checks I'm addicted to the rituals I'm addicted to the thoughts I'm addicted to you!