Michael Aagaard

Dear all, Thanks for posting and telling me things will be better in time. It has been 10 days since marie ended our relationship. I have found wonderful support in family and friends, but my mind keeps getting darker and darker. I'm devaastated about all the horrible thoughts roaming through my head. I'm in contact with my therapists as he is also seriously worried about my state. The other day Marie came clean and told me that her reason, beside my OCD, for breaking up was that she had discovered that she had feelings for another guy and also that she had that for the last two months of our relationship. I feel pretty betrayed, and very surprised. The OCD has taking its strain on our relationship, yes, but we have always been good for each other (At least I think so, and still do despite anything that have happened!). Last night Marie came by our shared appartment to tell me that she is moving in with this new guy, and that she is madly in love ... That was just plain cruel ...! I am really really low. My self-esteem and self-confidence is totally out the window (not that I have ever possessed much of that anyway), and the terrible feeling of jealousy is all-consuming ... This feels like the worst crisis of my life - again by OCD is not to visible at the moment which is good. A little light in the darkness of the day! I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now ... Have lost what i still see as the love of my life to myself and the OCD! I'm thinking after such a horrible experience, will I ever be happy again? Best, Michael

Hi Sunny, Thanks for posting ... I also do hope that I in time will see that it is possible to find something from these events that will make me stronger. At the moment I'm really just under the weather, feeling really really bad ... I long so much for Marie, and feel I'm just a little boy in a big and frightening world ... The one positive thing about this whole this is that my OCD problems are very very mild at the moment. I hardly notice it, but of course my mind is also occupied with a thousand sad thoughts about what Marie and I had .... Something I and the OCD managed to throw away - honestly I have never been this emotionally devastated ... Will the hurt ever stop? /Michael

Dear all, As I sit here about to wirite this post, I can't help but breaking down in tears ... :crybaby: I have lost the single best thing in my life this friday.. My dear dear girlfriend (Marie) for the past 6 years finally reached her limit, and broke up with me. This was the one I thought I would be married to and have children with. it is an absolutely heartrending feeling, and I don't thin I have ever cried so much and have been so miserable. I have some distance to what have happened now, but I am truely just starting to process what has happened with me and Marie. The story is that my problems with OCD (Contamination type!) started for real about 3½ years ago. Marie and i had a wonderful relationship until then, and though my OCD did gradually start to appear more and more often during the end of 2006, we still had a solid relationship and shared a lot of common demoninators has persons and lovers. My OCD worsened slowly and in 2007 i started seeing a psychologist for my OCD. We agreed that Marie should take a central role in helping me cope with the OCD, and she was heavily involved with the psychologist in my ERP training. I know now that this was a really bad idea, since the boundaries between us as lovers and best friends came stubbling down. Marie became more and more of a valve for me to vent my OCD frustrations, instead of the loving, caring, significant other she really was ... and still is to me. I really really tried to not involve her too much, when i realised this was going wrong with this approach to my OCD treatment. But it just became a habitual response from me to ask marie every little time i had the smallest and most insignificant problem with this OCD Monster. I'm so sooo sad that I didn't find the ressources to stop this development in time. It hurts so bloody much to say this, but by time her love quietly vanished and as she has told me it became more of a "mother-som" relationship, where she constantly took on the job to reassure me of this and that. Gone - though I didn't realise it - was Michael and Marie as a loving couple doing things carefree and lovingly. All became part of this endless arguments and discussions of OCD and what it did to be this and that day. Marie is the most selfless person i have ever known. She threw everything she had into me being well from this awfull disorder! When it wasn't my OCD that bottered me, it was instead perhaps doubts about if I was happy around my job, if I should do this or that etc. She was so patient with me, and I took to shameful advantage of that. I can't hold anything against her that she had to stop this now. As she sees it, the love we once had is gone. She says she became another person during our relationship, and that she most of all now needed to find back to herself, which she is only able to do by herself and with the freedom from OCD in her life. With the passing of Marie and my relationship, OCD has indeed won its ultimate victory. I'm such a mess right now. Cannot comprehend how i threw away something so beautiful as what Marie and i had? I have tried and tried to convince her to give us a second chance in some sort of constallation. But she is so settled on this being the end. I can't blame her, but it is surely the most awful thing that has ever happened to me. My feelings and what I am in this world clings hollow and i really have a hard time envisioning how i will ever be really happy again. On the bright side of this nightmare, I need to finally battle the demons of OCD in me - now on my own and hopefully once and for all. I have allready set the course for this development, and also while marie and i were still together I was on course. The thing is that i had a major relapse of OCD in September and October this year, and i think this was the final straw for marie. She saw that I always had the potential to relapse, and though I am back on track now with my OCD and really thinks there is a real opportunity for me to control this once and for all, Marie had seen enough. I can't blame her. Guys, I know this is a long post, but hope some of your have reached the end. i have sooo much on my mind! I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel so miserable, sad and disheartened. I have lost my first true love of my life ... As of now I can't ever see that she will be part of my life again, and that is heartrendering. How do one ever move on from such an experience? Have any of you been in my shoes? Are things getting better? How do i come to terms with the loss of my dear Marie? I still have so much love left for her and what we had ... Talk to me, guys ... I could really neeed some advise - I am such a mess right now ... :helpsmilie: Best and take care, Michael

Hi guys, What a great redesign of the Forum, huh. And now to the crux of the matter with this post. On my way to work this morning, I was unfortunately caught by surprise needing to pee really really bad. (Sorry for my straightforwardness!) I'm really bad at holding back when nature calls, and so about 100 meters from work I needed to give in to one of two choices - either pass the water in my pants or in the grass. :blushing: Luckily I'm working in an industrial and secluded area with lots of grassy spots, and not to many people coming by. Therefore I relieved myself and after that; BANG! MY OCD fears are having a field trip - still here 3 hours after the event occurred! The "what ifs" are really pressing on: Did I urinate on my own clothe or shoes, what about my Jacket and briefcase??? As the grassy field where I relieved myself is frequented by lots of neighborhood dogs, the biggest trigger and most important question; did I step in any remains from these animals ...??? The range of questions are never ending of course! When I'm trying to approach this rationally I did use my eyes when I did arrive at work after what happened. I saw that I wasn't visible wet at either my pants, jacket, briefcase etc. This brought me some comfort, but the main thing is that my shoes got really wet and dirty. It has been raining alot in Denmark lately, and so when I stepped into the grass my shoes of course became a little wet. There are still some murkiness on the sides of my shoes as of now, and I know very well that chances are that this is dirt/soil, but here's the real trigger; what if it is really dog poo? I know I could prove or disprove this claim by smelling to the dirth, but I can't bring myself to do so in case it really is what my OCD desperately tells me it is. That would probably mean long hours of cleaning myself and my stuff when returning home from work, and that is something I would try to avoid at all costs. I need to find some sort of acceptance of what has happened, so that I'm able to relax when coming home. Any suggestions outthere to how I battle this on out and handles the uncertainty coming from my always present OCD Mind? Hope I haven't lost all of you guys with my rambling story here ... Have a great day and now I think I need to return to the her and now and actually work a little for my pay ...! Best Michael

Hi all, At the moment I'm really trying to pick up the fight with my contamination fears. After a while where I just sort of gave my OCD the room it needed (in my case a really really bad idea!) I have pulled myself together again fighting back to the best of my abilities and with the tools I have. ( I have had CBT and ERP training before with a therapist!) Well, I have fought back the OCD for a couple of weeks now in an intensive way which have immidiately (almost) brought in good results. :boxing: But today I have experienced enough provocations during my day at work (I had to move large and dusty things around at the office, needed to lie on the floor to fix some technical stuff etc etc. Maybe it dosn't sound all that bad! Ah well!) some that I feel my build up defence has given up. I'm just curious how you would handle a setback like that, because a the moment (i'm still a work, going home in about 1 hour!) I feel just about really to jump into a bath, throw my cloth in the washer, and dive under my quilt at home ... I still have some resistance in me, and I know very well that if I obey the ocd to the fullest I will risk jeopadizing what I have fought for these past weeks. Best, Michael

Hi Amy, You are exactly right on that one. I have lived my first 21-22 years more or less free of OCD. At days where I'm feeling really really low I also likes to remind me that I once worked at a factory that was processing fish, which was really dirty work at times. If I had to go back there today, I think I would be seized with panic. But still, it is worth remembering that 8 years ago, I did do that job without any more cleaning or washing or scrubbing than the next man at the factory. How wonderfull if those days would/could ever return. They certainly looks positively carefree from my chair today ... Ah well, work in process .... :boxing: Have a great day Michael

Hi Phil, Thanx for your reply ... I see the logic behind what you are saying. But how do you then manage to live in such a "dirty" world? As I said I see the logic behind your argument, but when I'm thinking about what that implies for me as a person that on some days really struggles with ideas of germs, dirt etc., then I get really nervous ...! How do you cope with the thought that the world and all of our surrounding things are basically dirty? That thought is freakish to me, but perhaps useful if applied correctly ... Thanx for your reply and have a great day Michael

Hi legend, I think you are exactly right on that one ... I know that it is a fundamental truth that people have to use the toilet from time to time, and that includes my too ...! The thing is that I get so worked up about going to the toilet, except when at my own house, that I create these obstacles for myself and ... well my well-being. I know I have to face my fears and use the toilet as a natural thing at my place of work. At the moment I 'm using them, but especially when it comes to number 2's it creates a world of problems for me. I guess the deep underlying thing with my OCD is that I'm affraid of soiling my house. And the OCD monster tells me that when going to the toilet at my work I get really really dirty, and must take a shower/change clothe when coming home or else I will make a mess of my own place... Again I now that's strictly OCD talk, but I haven't sorted out a foul-proof way to handle this yet .... At least not on my bad days as today is - on good days that's another and very different story when I'm on top of things ...! Ah, well ... Sorry for rambling. Just wanted to let you know, legend, that I value your comments and advice... Thanks and have a great day Michael

Hi folks, I'm at work right now, and I have just returned from the toilet for a number 2 ... (Sorry for my straightforwardness!) :blushing: Normally I prefer not to do so at work, since my OCD explodes wildly with all kinds of thoughts about germs, dirt and me being really really soiled by the act ...! I must add that the mens toilets at my workplace are really not that bad compared to what I have seen elsewhere, but still I'm being bullied by the OCD-monster BIG TIME! So now I'm stuck in those familiar patterns of mine, where I can't seen to move on and call what I did what it is; a normal part of everyday life ... I'm not seeking reassurance but probably some thoughts from others that doesn't have the same kinds of problem. How do you manage to go to the toilet away from your own house and don't you have any thoughts about the possibility that you might get soiled by doing so?? Thanks and hope for your replies ... My productivity at work really really decreases when I have to worry about such things, so hope some of you have some pieces of advice that enables me to snap out of it ... :helpsmilie: Thanks and have a great day Michael

Hi all, Hope this doesn't gross out all of you, but really need others perspective on this one. I just came back from the toilet doing a number two, and unfortunately while carrying out the act, I was splashed with water from ... ah, well ... my droppings. Now my OCD is having a ball with the fact that I must have been soiled by the water hitting my behind, since I reckon it's must be a combination of water and urine that I was hit by. Usually I'm pretty good at tackling situations like this one, but I'm felling pretty defenseless circling around the same thought about me now having to take a bath, eventhough I just had one a couple of hours ago. If I have a bath, I know I will be dissapointed in myself, since I've let my OCD monster win the battle, and so I'm trying to battle this one out. I'm asking for some advise to control this siituation, eventhough that might not be so straightforward. Please, anyone with any idea or similar experiences that can help me win this battle, do tell me ..... ??? Thanks Michael

Hi Scooby22, Thanx for your comments. So true - I just need to ride it out, and come back stronger (hopefully ...!) :a1_cheesygrin: But again, how does one convince or "prove" to himself that those shoes did not soil the entire living space? On the other hand, is it really that important - I'm not seeing any tangible dirt in my appartment, so there you go Sherlock! I know I'm running around in circles with this, but those shoes really do persists in my mind ... Take care, Michael

Hi there ... I just had an unfortunate visit from my father-in-law. Or, actually it was quite cosy that he paid my girlfriend and I a visit. :original: The case is that I'm kind of obsessing about by father-in-law not taking of his shoes, when he went into our appartment. I'm on the right track in terms of handling my contamination OCD, but one thing that I have never gotten quite hold of is my fear of people wearing outdoor shoes at my place. My father-in-law knows that I'm struggling with OCD, but I guess he didn't consider wearing shoes in our appartment a problem. I know he didn't wear those darn shoes to bother me or out of bad intentions, but I couldn't get myself to ask him to take of his shoes. After he went away, I have and still resists the urge to clean and vacuum my whole appartment. But still I am ruminating BIG TIME if he and his shoes did bring some dirt, **** or other nastinesses into my own space. Just to clarify, I'm not affraid of dying or anything in terms of my father-in-law wearing his shoes here - I'm just worried that my place has become "dirty", "unclean", "uninhabitable" and that my floors and furnitures need a thorough and very time consuming wash. Well, fellow ocd'ers and others with sufficient or well meaning insight, I hope that you have some advise or experiences in terms of my problem here, that will enable me to carry on instead of revisiting in my mind over and over again whether those shoes really did soil my entire living space. Any small piece of advise or helping hand is greatly appreciated .... Have a great evening and fire away :helpsmilie: Best, Michael

Hi guys! I'm in the middle of a furious battle here, and I'm hoping that by telling it and having some feedback from others, things will be put in the right light for me. :original: The case is that I feel that I'm pretty good at controlling my OCD, which is purely contamination related. Some days are better that others of course, but when significantly pushed I do know I have an unfortunate habit to relapsing into OCD terrain, which makes me feel kind of dissapointed with myself. I have a history of succesfull CBT with a fantastic therapist and I find that when I'm challenged by my thoughts of dirt, germs and doubts about my own cleaniness after using the toilet, touching that, or doing that etc. I'm often helped by my training with ERP. I'm dreaming of a day when I'm able to entirely dismiss those unwanted thoughts, but as the OCD has been with me and have been allowed to grow for over 10 years now, I know this is a process that's not done overnight. Well, something good happened to me in October - I finished my studies at the University in May 2008 and took some time off over the summer. In October I found myself a very interesting job, and I'm very very fond of it. Thankfully, the thing is that my OCD have not had a significant influence on my job till now - actually I think it is very good for me and my recovery from OCD to lead an "ordinary" life, being out these with other people not being able to control everything that goes on around me. But the crux of the matter is that when I'm at work, i'm functioning as close to normal as I have been for a very long time. Some days have a larger share of handwashing and worrying about whether I became dirty from sitting at that chair with an old stain on it, going to the toilet, sitting at train on my way to work etc. etc. etc! But generally I feel at ease and feeling that I'm devoting my energy to something real and relevant. When I'm returning home after a days work to my apartment (my safezone and ex "buffer" against the dirty and germ infested outside!), I'm experiencing more and more problems with feeling relaxed and at ease. Instead I worry about whether my clothe is dirty from a days work, which through my logic then soils my apartment. The same goes from going to the toilet at my workplace... When I then return home, I'm having some problems coming to terms with relaxing and just using my own toilet, going to bed at night etc. for fears of soiling it all.. Well, I'm rambling on but I basically knows that I shouldn't worry about those stupid things I just mentioned, and I need to tell myself that any other guy is performing the same chores without obsessing about coming home at night. I have long since found that the key to "unlocking" the OCD monster's grib on me is to accept the fact that my apartment and my stuff in general are anything but "holly" - they are utility items, and should therefore be used. I'm not looking for some kind of reassurance here - or maybe I'm, but I shouldn't. I'm just reaching out, hoping someone will tell from there own experience, reflect on mine or offer general advice on how to overcome bad OCD days, when the monster is messing with ones head! :helpsmilie: With this I wish you all a merry december/christmas with yours. Best, Michael

Hi guys, Thanx for your reply's and your backing. :clapping: Northern Star; I think you're right in this. But on bad days I guess I'm not seeing that as lucid as I should. I'm blessed with a lovin' and supportive girlfriend that's in this with me for the long haul. I guess the idea with this thread was to get some further perspective on the workings of Contamination OCD and some inspiration to how people have found the ressourses to keep the OCD at arms length even when times are bad. So if anybody else wants to share their perspectives please do? :helpsmilie: All experiences are greatly valued. Have a lovely weekend Michael