Lemon

I just feel so exhausted with it all.

Thank you gerard, you do feel so alone. Polarbear I know I'm ruminating and know I'm making it worse 10 fold. My ocd makes me think it's not ocd, that's another barrier too, I think that's what keeps the ruminating going. Also when I'm poorly I don't feel like myself.

After moving house last year to a completely different area and picking a house with number 13, i do feel unsettled, I've started to have really severe bouts of ocd like I used to when I was was first diagnosed 17 years ago, after being triggered by news stories. I'm convinced I'm a bad person and I'm going to break the ocd mould and end up in prison and every ones going to hate me, and what makes it more likely to happen now is because I now live at number 13 which is bad luck, I can't seem to shake it off. I've always had these kind of thoughts, I've had cbt a few times over the years and do really well after, which has really helped. I just can't understand why I've started to have bad bouts, I know I'm ruminating and not supposed to be, i just can't seem to let the thoughts go and pay no attention to them. My husband talks freely about his illness and I have to keep mine secret like some sordid secret which also makes my ocd worse, I'm not allowed to be ill like someone with cancer (my husband), and cant talk to anyone about it. Sorry to go on I'm just really struggling to cope with everything at the moment.

Thank you for all your kind words. OCD is so cruel.

Ashley in my mind it will always be 13. I know it wouldn't be helpful ocd wise to change it, it would work for the moment then come back from experience from other obsessions. Ive had many cbt sessions over the years so I know what to do, I know what works and what doesn't, its just putting it into place, something I struggle with when my mind is working over time with obsessions and ruminations. It just feels a shock to the system when we've been so well then (it's always lingering in the background but manageable) bam out of nowhere your poorly again.

Neen924 I'm interested to know what meaning you have attached to your pump? BBB I have been in touch with the council and I can change the number to 15 at a cost of course and have it changed on the deeds, the money's not really an issue, it's just I don't think it would be helpful. Pure ocd sufferer I know it's just a number that's why it's so frustrating, as if a number attached to a house can influence me doing anything bad.

Thank you all. Im going try my hardest, I have to, I know what to do its just putting it in place again, feel like I need life long therapy.

Thank you snowbear for your reply, when it's wrote down in black and white it's so so sad. I am really really going to try and put this back in its place, I feel I'm ruining my familys enjoyment/life.

Thank you polarbear, I'm going really try, I know what to do but just can't seem to get a grip of it, it feels out of control, I'm just making it bigger. Every time I look at the clock it's 13 minutes past, everything is 13 related, it's driving me crazy at the moment.

I haven't been on here in a while as have been quite well. This year recently moved house after living in my last home for 21 years, have had quite a stressful time as also my mothering law also died of dementia and stopped eating which was awful. After house hunting and viewing many houses (I am very fussy) I found the one, fell in love and put in an offer, our offer was excepted (the lady who sold us her home actually said to me if you want it you can have it) the house was very popular and we felt very lucky. When it came to sorted the solicitors and giving all the details, there was one thing missing, and that was the number, as soon as the estate agents said the number to me which was number 13, it went down bank from there. Five months later I am now living in the house of my dreams with one problem, number 13, which has escalated my OCD into a frenzy, of course the number is bad, and in some way the house is going to make me harm my husband in some way, ridiculous I know, but I really feel I cant cope and feel I need to escape, I am so anxious and keep questioning myself if I will ever feel ok here, I love my husband to death and don't want to destroy his dreams with my OCD, my thoughts have always been about my son and now its switched to my husband and Im finding it so distressing, also with the fact he has cancer also, I feel a mess, I have also rang the council to see if I could change the house number to 15, and they had agreed this would be ok, but in my mind the house will always be 13. Sorry to go on and thank you for listening.

I used to have peadahile thoughts but I dont anymore just the harm thoughts, but they come and go so I have a good relationship with my son but I feel the ocd gets in the way and things could be better and I hate feeling anxious towards him and wish I could be a normal mum without this. I have tried many different antidepressant and have even tried antipychotics, but they just dont work for me, the best treatment for me has been cbt. These thoughts are part of the illness and trying to pay them no attention is key, 15 years ago when I first had them I really couldnt cope at all, I suppose you learn to live with them to some degree, I still panic when I get a new way around thinking but I do have good days now, before it was just a constant thing. take care

Nicki my husband says hed rather have his cancer than my OCD, he says at least he can just go the hospital and take drugs to get better, don't get me wrong though hes been very very poorly and mentally drained by it all and very hard to cope with at times, hes had it for 7 years now, and been in and out of remission, I find it hard to cope with both, Im drained by both, but I cope with the cancer better than the OCD. Yes fand4eva my thoughts have always been harm thoughts about my son, it always comes down to one thing always and that's my son, this time its gone in a roundabout way to get to the end thought, hes 14 now and I feel as if Im never going to be able to have a proper relationship with him because of my OCD getting in the way, funnily enough we do have a good relationship and I love him to death but I always feel OCD is in the way and the guilt I carry with me.

I have read it and it triggered me into a new obsession about schizophrenia, again not the authors fault. I think he went around the bush a bit on some subjects, it was very historical so didn't really help me in anyway, but made me realise how far we have come in the treatment of OCD, I think back then we would of been locked away and lobotomised. Would I recommend it, erm I don't know, I think its better for someone to read it who hasn't got OCD as far as triggers, but again its ok if you want to know the history of mental illness like OCD, that's what its aimed at,

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I know deep down they are just my thoughts, but how cruel is this illness, its the cruellest thing Ive ever known, my husband even says its worse than his cancer.

No I don't hear voices, its just my thoughts..I haven't actually told my therapist, just keep going over and over with it in my mind, till its driving me crazy I have had the fear of schizophrenia in the past