john1978

Hi Polarbear I tried the sleeping tablet with just the mertazapine and no seroquel and woke again at 4 tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t I must have caught a few mins here and there as I remember bits of dreams . I had a tightness across my forehead when I woke at 4 just feeling frazzled and frustrated no problem going to sleep I was even feeling a bit sleepy before the tablet and the mertazapine and was hoping I would sleep through but no joy . I can’t understand how I was doing so well the past 2 years I had moments when the thoughts would come definitely but found I could easily get distracted by a hobbie or interest or life in general and move on from the thoughts and enjoy life . I can’t work out how I’m struggling so much at the moment and how the thoughts take up my time all day

I think I know how my latest spike started I sat down one Sunday morning and the thought popped into my head what if this all isn’t real followed by intense panic and no answer in terms of how to solve I engaged with the thought trying to make sense of it and as well as having harm ocd it has made itself quite comfortable . This has come up before and when I’ve been in a good place and stronger I would brush off It seems I deal with one thing and then this pops up and I start questioning everything wondering if I have psychosis . I was even sitting at home last night with my kids and they had a movie on and normally I could watch tv and switch off but I find I’m analysing things and even the tv bothers me I haven’t slept great the last three nights went to the GP today and he has given me 3 nights of sleeping tablets to get my sleep back on track so I can’t take the seroquel for 3 nights only the 15mg mirtazapine I will try the meditation and breathing exercises to calm down I can sit through the thought and the anxiety I just wish I never had any of my intrusive thoughts I am just struggling to handle them at the moment. Will gladly take any advice to help myself it is all welcome

Hi Roopoo47 i agree 100% there is a difference and there was nothing wrong with u acting in self defence I have been through similar experiences I have had these intrusive thoughts going on nearly 30 years every form of ocd as is common I only recently discovered. I know these thoughts are recurring because I have not done proper CBT or more importantly ERP I have always found a distraction (compulsion) playing football watching a movie or something enough to completely break the loop or so I thought but u are never fully dealing with the bully by doing this as I have discovered through this spike so I will be seeing the psych at the local hospital and hopefully begin CBT and ERP properly as thinking I was fully recovered and I actually had it always lurking in the background. No matter what we all deserve to enjoy life with our loved ones I’m really glad I found this forum and some of the best people around are on here some great wisdom and insight because sometime when you look at something for so long you don’t realise that your trying to fit a round peg into a square hole .

Hi guys , I went to an outpatient psych hub for an assessment yesterday and actually thought I was getting a handle on my ocd and anxiety I met with a nurse first who put me at ease who then after a lengthy discussion got the doctor to come in and see me he asked me did I ever come close to acting on the thought this kinda triggered me as I did some things in my past impulsively that I am utterly disgusted ashamed and embarrassed of . I said no as honestly I have never had the desire to actually hurt anyone in my life . Those actions in my past started coming into my head on the drive home and I started to wonder if I acted on these in the past how do I know I won’t act on this . I am on 15mg mertazapine and the last 2 nights 25mg seroquel has been added I woke at 4am this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep and all these thoughts and memories going through my head then I was thinking maybe I should have explained my past guilty actions as to be honest I am absolutely disgusted and ashamed I did these actions but I can’t go back two of the people in the more serious incident forgave me a few years ago but there are other incidents I’m not proud of even if i was very drunk I did an action I’m disgusted I did . The past two nights since I’ve been on seroquel I have woken around 4 although the first night I was able to get back to sleep but not last night I thought the seroquel would help me get a decent sleep i also notice I’m impulsive when it comes to a lot of things like spending money and getting into debt just worried there is more going on than OCD .

Ah good stuff glad you are in a good space the doctor that saw me today has booked me in to see a psychiatric hub in cork city tomorrow so I will attend for an assessment as she really insisted it’s free so maybe good can start work on getting better for me and my family

Thank you I will tell her in time not right now just because she is going through a really rough time herself right now with her dad unexpectedly dying I’ve got well before and if I did then I can now too I’m so glad I found this forum

Thank you I have told her that I struggle with OCD anxiety and depression and she knows I have gone to the doctor a few times in the last few weeks over it and I discussed it with her when I came back from the doctor I don’t really want to tell her about the harm OCD if I can help it as she has had a massive amount to deal with in the last year and I will only add further upset I know she would freak out if I told her and definitely panic . I think she knows enough for the moment thanks for the advice really appreciate it’s good to talk it through with people going through it also to gain perspective thank you hope u have a great weekend and same to Polarbear also ?

Thanks Polarbear I didn’t really mean to look for reassurance as I honestly know inside how this bully works I just felt a bit vulnerable when I saw her reaction. The meds worked before and should again I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I dropped the mental health outpatient clinic when I started to recover last time as it probably would have helped me avoid this lapse if I checked even a couple times a year . Yes I agree I mean I have had these intrusive thoughts going on almost 20 years now and never acted on them once I don’t think it would be good for my wife for me to tell her about the intrusive thoughts and avoid giving her any unnecessary worry as she only lost her dad in JAn this year unexpectedly and don’t want to add to her emotional strain ?. I am so grateful to this forum it’s good just to get it out of my head gonna get my head back into that CBT

Hi guys , I went to my medical clinic today and got a different doc to my usual doc I had a bad evening yesterday evening felt really agitated I was fine earlier in the day I basically told her everything about my harm ocd with my wife and kids and she kind of scared me when she said I should not be left alone with the kids and do I have a safe place to stay away from them until my current mental state gets better . She said does my wife know about the harming ocd thoughts I said no then I asked should I tell her and she kinda said maybe but it could really scare her . I don’t think I should but is that me being selfish. She gave me a prescription for 7 days for seroquel and I must see her again Monday at 10 and she also contacted the local hospital psych outpatient clinic to get me back in there I stopped attending a few years back because I felt absolutely fine I feel a bit worried because she looked worried when I told her about the content of the intrusive thoughts and when she said I shouldn’t be left alone with the kids .Which is causing me a bit of concern

Hi guys just had a massive build up of agitation all this afternoon I was okay all today and then just felt a bit irritated and agitated as the evening went on my anxiety has gone through the roof I took my 15mg mertazapine about 10 minutes ago but decided to go for a quick walk to try and calm down I think I def need to talk to my doctor tomorrow little things were bothering me and I was having all negative self talk

Hi Cas24 . im going through a bit of a spike myself in recent weeks but saw your post and my heart goes out to you. If you had to think of something you love doing what would it be ? it can literally be anything... now if you have thought of the thing u love to do try and do that while having the thoughts or feelings or whatever is going on for you in the background and see how you feel . There are far better and more knowledgeable people here than me but wanted to share what I found helpfull. I am trying to do this exercise at the moment myself Check out an app called total brain too it has exercises and mindfulness you can try for free it may help . Reassurance is the last thing you need and hopefully that will sink into my head too ..

I say spooning but I turned over in the bed and was right behind her i don’t know what I was thinking when my buddy came out my wife and kids immediately came to my mind and I jumped up and went back to the seat I am constantly analysing everything that happened wondering what I was thinking was there more to it . I don’t fancy either of the girls I’m ashamed of myself and I just have a constant urge to confess I rationalised it at the time and largely forgot about it it came into my minds eye now and then but was quickly forgotten and daily life took over it’s just recently my anxiety has been so high and I’ve have had a lot of ocd it’s constantly going through my brain

Hi guys . This incident happened 2 years ago at a friends wedding. I went onto a relationship forum at the time and they said I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Anyways I attended one of my best friends wedding with my wife she left early in the night as she was pregnant at the time with our third Ruairi. Hindsight I wish I left too At the end of the night I ended up in the residents bar and there was a group of us friends chatting and drinking I ended up talking to two girls that would be friends with the bride and I know also I tried calling a taxi but couldn’t get one so my friend Colm said I could stay with him and he’d drop me home the following day . The residents bar closed and one of the group said could we get some drinks for the room I asked the bar man and we got some drinks anyways there was 7 of us back in the room my sister was there too and she knows these two girls and all I wanted to do was fall asleep so at some stage I must have passed out I woke up and the room was dark and there was only me and the two girls they were still awake talking one at the top of the bed and one at the bottom everyone was all fully clothed and my friend Colm must have been in the bathroom one of the girls must have heard me wake and said why didn’t I lie on the bed my back was killing me and I just wanted to sleep I laid on the bed and turned over still in my full suit and ended up spooning the other girl all for about 30 seconds and not sure what I was thinking anyways my friend Colm came out of the bathroom and said ye can have the bed if ye want don’t mind me at that I said no no I thought of my wife my kids I said I no I just want to sleep so got out of the bed and went back to the chair they must have left shortly after coz I woke again in the early hours and only Colm was there so I laid back on the bed . When I got home the following day I told my wife that i ended up in the residents bar and Colm offered that I could stay in his room and that there was a group of us got some drinks and went back to the room I didn’t tell her about the spooning recently the girls face came up on add friends on Facebook and I was awash with guilt but I was able to move on I’ve had a few big spikes of OCD recently and now I spend most of my day obsessing over this action and wondering if there was more too it and feeling guilt and shame and wanting to confess . She only lost her Dad in February this year suddenly and unexpectedly I love her and my three kids if I tell her this she will leave me and I will lose my kids she told me if I ever cheated on her that would be it . I just can’t stop going over and over it in my head and it is really depressing me

Hi , hope everyone is doing okay just going through a couple of big spikes in anxiety and ocd at the moment. I have been on mirtazapine 15mg for the last 2-3 years I originally was started it with seroquel but found once the seroquel was removed I felt I’m trying to find the best description that my crutches were taken away I felt a bit exposed and I could sense the anxiety and ocd in the background but have had a few spikes of different subtypes of OCD I suffer with and right now since yesterday my OCD has latched onto an incident that causes me a bit of guilt and shame and when I think of it logically nothing bad actually happened it could have if I didn’t come to my senses and realise what I could lose and when I am level headed able to push it back and enjoy my life without it constantly playing it over in my head and feeling the urge to confess when actually doing that could cause more damage and loss of trust when there is absolutely no need I want to ring the Gp and explain that I’m not sure the medication is working I fall asleep no problem with it but can wake up early and then my mind starts getting flooded and I’m struggling to go back to sleep again just hoping someone can point me on the right road at the moment my ocd is floating from one subtype to another I will keep doing my CBT but think maybe I need a different Med maybe

Thanks rchippex I definitely know it’s the anxiety causing it and think it maybe my own fault for lowering my dose of anti D for a few months and then around 2-3 weeks ago going back to the 15mg although I will say even when I was consistently taking my prescribed 15mg I always felt abit of anxiety but was able to brush passed it . Thanks for the support I definitely need to manage my anxiety better I used the Xanax the doc gave me to take only when needed and felt much betteryesterday evening but I don’t want to rely on that so I will look into relaxation exercises as Polarbear suggested I am grateful to u both and this forum for steering me on the right path . We all need a little helpful nudge now and then .

Thanks Polarbear I know you are right just need to calm my anxious brain down and I will follow your advice

Hi so sorry I’m really really struggling at the moment I don’t want to trigger anyone else at the moment my pure o ocd has gone from harm ocd to the thought everything’s not real and it’s causing me intense panic attacks and anxiety on a recent post I said I am on mirtazapine 15mg at night I have only been back taking the full 15mg the last 2-3 weeks before that stupidly being lazy and thinking because my weight was my main concern I could get by on halving the 15mg without consulting the doctor first please don’t anybody else be as stupid as I was always consult the doctor anyways today is my worst day by far the intrusive thoughts were increasing all week but I keep having this thought everything’s not real immediately followed by a massive panic attack I’m feeling agitated and can’t calm my anxiety down I went for a long cycle earlier thinking that might help but unfortunately not I have called the out of hours doctors service here in Ireland to see a doctor it will be expensive but I can’t stay the way I am

I agree 100% my issue at the time was my ever increasing weight I was able to rationalise the intrusive thoughts as I was in a strong place mentally I saw online that reducing down the dose might help but with hindsight I should have talked to the doctor first you are absolutely correct . I know that this is my OCD and I’m going through a bit of a spike at the moment but i have always felt doubts that this med was working for me I will ring the GP and see if he can change the meds for me I’m a bit confused to know the right thing to do wait it out on this med or try a different one

I am currently doing an online anxiety and ocd course with ERP and CBT being the core of the course I might also ask the GP if I can try and switch back to the SSRI as I’m currently on an SNRI hopefully that might help

Hi , I have been really struggling lately and a bit lost to be honest I was diagnosed as having OCD anxiety and depression i was originally on lexapro a couple of years ago but on mertazapine 15mg at present a couple of months ago when lockdown came into Ireland I decided to prolong my meds I’d take half a dose and this took me up to September then I had to renew my prescription and I started back taking the full dose a few weeks ago I have had a couple of really big spikes in the last few weeks and been to the doctor twice and found more and more my thoughts are turning inwards and can’t get my focus back on things I enjoy my mood has been going up and down also . Like I was queuing for McDonald’s with my kids in the car and I suddenly had the thought everything’s not real then came the urge to get out of the cue but I couldn’t and I had to get through it I still had a bit of anxiety when I got home but on taking the kids out for a walk I calmed down and relaxed . I don’t want to upset anyone or cause a trigger but I also have harm OCD me and my wife are both working from home and normally work would distract me but find I’m constantly barraged with these intrusive thoughts images and self doubt at the moment and I’m feeling a bit vulnerable I’ve been getting out cycling and walking even though I picked up a cold from my 5 year old son it’s not covid he got tested as negative I’m just finding I’m going more and more into myself i started thinking I might have psychosis or something I have been having some really bizarre dreams too sometimes causing a bit of anxiety in the morning as I analyse them I’m wondering is the medication not working?? I know I should not be looking for reassurance just trying to work out why I’m having all these big spikes of intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Hi , my name is John I have suffered anxiety panic attacks and ocd for as long as I can remember. I take 15mg mertazapine at night just looking for some advice and guidance for the past 6 months I started feeling strong enough that I started only taking half the dose my hobbies and interests were enough to take me out of my head and be engaged in whatever was going on around me . Recently I found my ocd coming up again and not being as easy to banish I started back taking the full dose again about 6 weeks I have had at least 3 episodes of really intense anxiety over the past two weeks. I have gone to my GP and discussed it with him on two occasions in the last few weeks but nothing has been changed he just said I seem to have good insight into it and gave me an added prescription of 6 xanax and advised me to keep up the exercise. Just found recently I wake up and the thoughts come and it’s like Groundhog Day . I was referred to the local psychiatrist a few years ago but after a year or so started feeling well enough that I stopped going maybe I should have kept that up I dunno . They initially had me on seroquel and the mirtazapine and then only the mirtazapine and to be honest I always had a bit of the ocd still going on with the mirtazapine but with distractions and hobbies I managed sorry for this long message I know I’m not supposed to look for reassurance just hoping someone sees this has maybe gone through something similar and can give me some advice or actions I can do to help myself . Thanks guys I’m a member here for a long time and it has helped me I hope some day I can return the favour

Hi , this is my fault I didn’t take my 15mg mertazapine on Saturday night and drank 4 330 ml cans of Alcohol I took only half of my tablets last night as I only have 14 left and to save money I was going to try and manage on the half dose but today I had an attack of intrusive thoughts and panic and feel my anxiety increasing I just can’t seem to brush it off today my doctors surgery is not open until 2 so just waiting to call them then

I only had 6 bottles of beer and I took a viagra to try and help my ED with my wife it didn’t work and I finished my second bottle of beer I fell asleep on the coach woke up about 1 and went to bed our kids were up early this morning so woke at 8:30 I was just looking at my laptop and thought I saw someone pass by the window outside then a panic thought came into my head that I hallucinated it now I feel like my sanity is slipping I think I need to stop kidding myself that I can drink beer and not suffer anxiety I have my Mertazapine to take later but I feel a bit on edge and anxious now I’m worried I’m having a psychotic episode or something

Hi guys I was doing well for a while but had a few drinks last night and didn’t take my anti depressant I feel really anxious now and getting ocd thoughts that I’m losing my mind I was suffering with erectile dysfunction also and took viagra for the first time last night and worried I’m having a psychotic reaction to it just can’t seem to get out of this anxious thinking and worried that I’m losing it and advice greatly appreciated

Hi just a general question I have Pure-OCD depression and anxiety all managed and under control I am on 15mg Mertazapine at night but play 5 a side soccer twice a week and love music production I find that when either playing sport with my friends my mind is in the game and anxiety and ocd are gone out the window the same with music production. I have found that Mertazapine has blown me up like a balloon weight wise and I cannot lose the weight no matter what I do my diet is good and I don’t over eat either I think the medication is causing the weight gain . I have completed CBT and use meditation and my ERP is when I play sport or write music instead of getting stuck in a pure OCD thought . Just wondering has anyone found an alternative to Mertazapine that doesn’t cause weight gain or supplements that help serotonin in the same way so I could maybe try instead of medication just looking for advice from my fellow peers . Thanks in advance