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Kitty

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  1. Did anyone see the interview this morning? His OCD symptoms seems to consist of licking his mobile phone and his golf clubs. He says he licks his phone if he notices there is a thumb print on it in order to remove it, then wipes it on his shirt. Similarly with the golf club. Eammon Holmes pointed out that licking his golf club could potentially be a very dangerous thing to do as the grass on golf courses is treated with pesticides and stuff and he could be ingesting it. Have to say I wasn't very convinced by him at all, but could just be me - I don't like his show very much :dry: .
  2. Thanks everyone. Means a lot to me. I must admit I had wondered about contacting PALs and seeing if they could help me. I just worry about doing it though, don't feel like I can fight it at the moment - and I certainly don't want to put my psychologist's nose out of joint. I know that this whole business of the sessions stopping isn't her choice per se, it's the rules and she has to stick to them. I wish she'd been a bit more honest about it at the beginning though. I haven't got a session now for a good two weeks or so. I actually got quite upset when I spoke to my mother about it - I told her about the sessions stopping and she just said 'well it's perhaps just as well, they don't seem to be doing you any good - in fact it might just be better if you stop going.' But that's just typical of her. I am actually interested in all forms of therapy, not just CBT - and the methods Bunny suggest sound interesting to me. I think I'm just tired of fighting for everything all the time, I fought to get the therapy, waited patiently twice to get it and now this. Fighting to get up and get through the day then realising I have to do it all again the next. It's just all too much. I'm barely eating much, and just ill all the time. The more down I seem to get the worse the anxiety goes and the less I eat. Not really sleeping much either.
  3. I guess the title says it all (and apologies in advance to Bobby who is no doubt utterly sick to death of me and hearing all about this at the moment). When I first started the sessions with my therapist she assured me that we would be taking things slowly and surely and really getting to grips with the eating problems and the illness fears. In our last session I was told that my sessions are stopping in a few weeks as I've had my 'allowance' of them and am not allowed any more. We've barely even started covering the eating problems, and at the moment I am really really finding things hard to deal with. I told her last week how down I'd been feeling and that I didn't think I could cope, and it was then that she told me about the sessions stopping. I'm at a loss to be honest with you. I thought that I was going to be getting some structured help with overcoming the problems and now it seems I won't be. A few weeks ago she said she was going to organise a Dietician to come in to see me for some help, and made it sound like I'd be having a few sessions with whoever it is to talk over what could be done to help. She also said last week that the Dietician could only do one half of a session with me and that was all. I did speak up and I told her that I was unhappy with it all, but there is nothing that can be done - apparently I have to leave it for 6-12 months and then go back to the GP get re-reffered and start the whole process again . If I'd broken my leg and it was set in plaster - they wouldn't whip it off before the bone had healed would they? So why are they doing this to me now? I've really given up all hope now, I just don't think that I will ever get better - I thought that my therapist was going to help me to help myself and at least give me some strategies for dealing with the eating, but it seems not - there just isn't enough time left now. I thought that I was going to be monitored with the eating, but I'm not. So in short, I can't see any end to this and I can't see any point in fighting it anymore when the help that I need is being withdrawn. I just want to curl up in a ball and for the whole world to **** off. This illness has ruined my life and it's continuing to do so and I just can't cope anymore.
  4. They're both really good ideas, and in all honesty I hadn't thought about them :blushing: . I do like fish, and like stuff like fishcakes, so they might well be a good idea to try out. It's anything that won't make me feel bloated... The soup thing, I hadn't thought of making it into a 'drink', that could work really well - I've been trying to coerce Bobby to make himself some soups (I guess I should take a leaf out of my own book :blushing: ). I must admit that comfort foods like stews etc is the stuff I would go for, because I like the carbs that go with it. Thanks pet :hug:
  5. Thank you to everyone who replied to me, it really means a lot :hug:, feel a bit weepy reading through everyone's words. Lawrie - thank you :hug: . A lot of the problem with me is that I do have an appetite, I just feel that it's easier to not eat so much because I use the hunger as a safety net - to prove that I'm ok and not going to be ill. It's ultimately futile I know . The problems this causes are just as bad as that ones I'm trying and failing to prevent, and this is what I'm finding so hard to reconcile at the moment. I know all that sounds like utter tosh. I am possibly the most stupid person in the world but I absolutely can't stand the feeling of having a full stomach, I find it very distressing - and I tend to try and eat small amounts, often. It's just that my small amounts are miniscule... :blushing: . But it's just now at the point where no matter what I do I can't get past the eating/illness stuff and it's taken over everything, and the more anxious I get, the less I eat, the worse everything else gets. NS - thanks for the tip re Complan, I have tried it - but found it difficult to get on with - but I bought myself a yoghurt maker a few months ago and am trying to eat some home-made yoghurt every day instead... My psych is off all this week and I won't see her till next week now, it just feels like ages since I last had an appointment and things have just gone downhill in the interim. I am sorry, I know there are other people on here who are suffering way more than I am at the moment and I don't mean to rattle on - I just want out of all this mess now, I can't cope with it anymore and just want someone to take it all away from me.
  6. I don't really know why I'm even writing all this down as it probably won't help, and I don't really think there's anything anyone can do or say. I am just feeling so low right now, I wish I wasn't here anymore. Everything is getting too much for me to cope with and I don't know what to do to make it better. I'm sick of fighting to just get up and get through every day and keep going through it all, when there's nothing left to fight for. I'm just totally losing my grip on everything. The way I feel now is that I'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, and things are never going to improve no matter how hard I try. I've been seeing my psych for a few weeks now, but haven't had an appointment for a while as she's been on leave - and I had to cancel my last one as I had to make an emergency Docs appointment because I was unwell and thought I might need to go to A&E. I've got another week to wait until I see her, as she's on leave again next week. I've been implementing all the things she wants me to do and keeping up with my challenges - cutting down on the handwashing/checking my body for signs of illness, I slipped up when I was ill - but seem to have got back on track since. But my anxiety has been really bad since I got ill, and it's not going down any, it's making me so depressed and exhausted - and it's caused me to start with some new illness related checking rituals which isn't good. I am also really struggling with eating, it's getting to ridiculous proportions now and is making me feel more depressed, on a purely vacuous level - I look absolutely awful, bony, thin and drawn - just utterly disgusting, ugly and deformed. On a more serious level it is actually making me physically ill now as well, I am terribly underweight, worn out and suffering other health problems - but no matter how hard I try I just can't force a full meal down, just because I am so frightened it will make me ill. I'm constantly stressing about food, eating and illness and it's ruling my life. My psych is going to tackle it all with me over the next few weeks, but I just don't think I can cope anymore - I've had enough and feel ready to throw the towel in. I've suffered for so many years and this now just feels insurmountable - like too much of a challenge to get over. I'm going to be 30 at the end of this year, and I feel like I won't get there - a big bit of me doesn't want to, I am just so tired and feel that there really isn't anything worth fighting for anymore. I'm not well enough to work, can't use public transport, can't drive as I'm too scared to get back behind the wheel, and am just utterly trapped in a routine of utter drudge just to get through each day only to wake up in the morning and find that yet again I've survived another night and have to do it all again. I'm not really getting a great deal of support at home, in fact things are bad here at the moment - constantly walking on eggshells and being told I've got a bad attitude. When I was ill the other week, I was told in no uncertain terms I had to 'prove' I was ill (won't go into what I had to do, but suffice to say it was utterly insulting and embarrassing) as it was felt all round that I was making it up, depite the fact at one point I was on the floor, crying with pain - I wasn't making it up, and at least the Dr believed me. I'm really sorry to rant on, I don't even know why I'm doing this I just can't see a way through or a way out anymore and I just can't cope anymore - I don't know what to do, feel like I'm being slowly smothered.
  7. Hiya Harri - don't think I've ever 'spoken' to you before :original:. Just to say that I can understand how bad this must be for you and how it has affected you. I've kind of had something similar this week. I had to make an emergency GP appointment after I had two bleeds in two weeks, the second one started on Saturday and has been quite bad. My GP told me that as a rule, unless you're flooding (and the definition of flooding in this case is filling up 1 sanitary towel every hour for 3 hours) then it's best to just try and ride it out - any more than that and you need to see the Dr or go to A&E. But - as has already been mentioned, if you've not been having periods for so long then it's only understandable that you're experiencing things like this now, it's just your bodies way of readjusting. Make sure that firstly you've got appropriate pain relief if you need it - keep well hydrated with lots of warm drinks, and try and eat well. If you think you need it, or the bleeding continues for a while maybe think about trying an iron supplement for a short period of time. Meantime try not to be too hard on yourself - my OCD has been through the roof since I had my second bleed, I've been feeling really poorly - and my rituals that I was starting to beat have come back in full force. So I can really really understand how you must be feeling. I'm sending you a big :hug: - take care Love Kitty xxxx PS - If men had periods we really would never hear the end of it...
  8. Smeagol - this is a great post, and very helpful. In one of the last editions of our OCD-UK Newsletter I wrote a feature on OCD and Diet and it's something that I feel quite strongly about as someone who suffers from a lot of eating problems. I get in a terrible state with my blood sugars yo-ying, and have to be really careful about what foods I choose in order to stop terrible mood swings and anxiety. Admittedly a lot of my problem is being unable to eat full meals or platefuls of food and being in a perpetual state of hunger because of my OCD thoughts :blushing: . Your thoughts on Candida are also very interesting too. Many people who have diets high in refined carbs, sugars etc can suffer from this without really knowing what it is. I've recently started (in an effort to try and introduce new foods into my diet) to make my own live yoghurt which contains all the live, good bacteria needed to improve health. I use a product called Easi-yo which I buy from Lakeland. It's very nice indeed and after the initial outlay in price works out cheaper than buying yoghurt from the shops - it actually says in the bumf you get with it it helps to kill off things like Candida, interestingly enough. Anyway, just to say I thought that was a really interesting post :original:
  9. That's really brilliant news, Fruity. Well done indeed - so proud of you :original:
  10. Well I've now had two sessions with the Psychologist, the time has gone really quickly. Up to now she is great, and someone who I feel I can completely open up to about things I have never spoken about before. I realise now how much I had covered up from the previous therapist, which really rendered the sessions we'd had pretty much useless. I'm obviously quite ashamed of myself for that :blushing: . Something happened in the session on Monday that brought a lot of stuff tumbling out - stuff that I've had stewing inside my head for a very long time and been unable to speak about. I really can't bring myself to write it down here, not because it may cause offence to anyone but mainly because I don't think I can deal with seeing it written down here. I am finding the sessions hard to deal with, both during and after - lots of anxiety and a whirring head. I jump out of my skin every time the phone rings in case it is her telling me that they've changed their minds and are going to take me into hospital after all. In a way I suppose the anxiety is a good sign, it shows that I am dealing with stuff rather than hiding it away - but it's not a nice feeling nevertheless and is making the OCD much worse. I am still partly feeling that there isn't any point to it all as everything now feels too ingrained for it ever to get better. I am trying to keep myself as occupied as possible to get my mind off it all - my OU course helps as does the Magazine. There isn't much else to say I guess - a big part of me wants to curl up in a ball on the floor and switch off to everything. I know it won't help, but I just want the thoughts to stop and all the worries to go away :dry:
  11. If you're under 25 and not sexually active then you don't need one, but after 25 whether you're sexually active or not you have to have them - that's what I've was told anyway. Hope that helps a bit :original:
  12. Hi NS Please don't worry about this too much. I won't lie and say it's a nice experience (because it isn't) but it really isn't that bad at all. It's uncomfortable for a few seconds, but this is easily helped by lots of slow, deep breathing (which also helps the Nurse to get it done quicker too!). I've had to have three in the last 12 months. They have different sizes of the instrument they use for the test and will pick the one that is most suitable for your body. It's all over with very quickly and there will be no pain or discomfort afterwards. Just remember to do some deep breathing which will help relax your muscles. If you need any more advice or want to chat about it, shoot me a PM or message. Take care and try not to worry too much Love K xx
  13. Kitty

    therapy

    Therapy starts again next week. I had my letter through on Wednesday and they've put me in with the same psych I saw for the referral last week. So at least I know who I'm seeing. It was a shock to get the letter so quickly, they also included a copy of the letter they sent to my GP stating my problems and how I was suffering etc. To see it all written down was tbh a bit of a shock, but it really only served to make me feel even more pathetic and useless about the whole situation. I don't know how to feel about next week, I am quite scared really. Finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that it's all happening again and that I've let things get so bad. I don't feel as though I know who I am anymore. I can't move on with my life and just feel as though someone has wrapped me in a straightjacket to prevent me from moving. Whichever way I turn I'm slapped down. The things I thought I knew were safe and ok are just not anymore - and it's just like I really am fighting alone, and that's the way it's going to be forever now. I know I need to try and fight, and that the therapy is happening for the right reasons, but it all seems so futile when I really don't think there's a chance I'll ever be well or happy again. Everything is just too much to cope with. Today I've wasted most of the day cleaning, and my hands are red raw and full of cuts and splits in the skin. I've got myself into suc a rigid routine and such a mess that I don't see how it can ever be broken now. Sometimes all I want is for someone to just put their arms round me and give me a cuddle and tell me it'll all be ok, but it doesn't happen. I've only got myself to blame for being in this mess. I don't even get any release in sleep anymore as the thoughts and images just pervade my dreams and I end up worse than ever. Just want to disappear forever.
  14. Kitty

    Yesterday

    Thankyou so much R :hug: Was only thinking about you the other day and thinking I hadn't seen you around for ages :hug:
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