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Thanks all. I do appreciate the comments. They do help. @dksea can I ask if you still have this anxiety at all these days? For example I still have my violent anxities if I see my trigger. It’s always there but I recognise the anxities and try and just focus on the task at hand and it’s very rare that particular one effects me these days. That usually only gets bad if I watch a really violent film then I feel like rubbish after. I still scan the garage or a new environment for them. Can I also ask did you obsess over women before or after? I have always liked brunette girls and when out anywhere I would always seem to focus on them? Im currently at the docs waiting for an apppointment. Hoping I can get referred for some CBT as it’s been 11 years since I last had any. But figured it was a good first step ?

@PolarBear I know your’re right. I think the reason for my avoidance comes from the a soap story that recently featured a plot about an apparent straight man who loved his female partner but started a relationship with another man. I think I linked myself to that character as in the past my wife had said something along the lines of “your’re just like him“ As per my first post I had cancer back in feb and also a 2nd scare (which came back clear last week) just before this worsened. My only other conclusion is all the worry and stress and manifested itself in a more severe form of my ocd. It would be good to speak to someone else who has gone through this particular form or something similar

Thanks for the replies. My wife is a straight women and I asked her if she finds other women attractive and she said “of course, all the time!”. But I just can’t understand how she can be so care free about it. If I see an attractive bloke i literally feel horrible. There’s nothing positive about , I just feel anxious and scared. But I guess that’s the nature of OCD.. Today has been a rough day. I had to leave work because I just broke down. I was just fed up of feeling scared and like I don’t know who I am anymore. My mind is literally scanning every room for every bloke. Just like it use to with my violent thoughts (a diy tool was and sometimes still is my trigger) and then as soon as I’ve clocked them it’s then saying don’t look at them. Then because of that I then look at them and I have no idea what to do. I feel an immense amount of guilt for my wife. She’s put up with a lot of my ocd over the years and now when things were looking ok after my cancer I’m questiong my own sexuality and spending most nights avoiding doing anything related to the subject (tv, films etc...) incase I see a trigger and i don’t understand how I can go from literally fancying my wife and finding other girls attractive to just zoning in on men overnight. I’m just fed up with it all ?

Hi all, just writing this feels weird for me as I don’t really ever want to admit I have ocd but here goes... lifelong ocd sufferer since a child. Had violent thoughts, same sex thoughts, family been hurt if I don’t ping the microwave 50 times malarkey. All the usual suspects. i had been ticking along rather nicely with most of the above in the past with the odd murmur of a violent / same sex anxiety thought every now and again but mostly life has been good. . So why am I here? Just lately my same sex ocd has reared it’s ugly head again and I can’t shake it off. I would say it’s been a good 2 months + now. Every time I see a half decent looking bloke on the in person / tv my anxiety goes through the roof. It’s not a good feeling of anxiety. It’s the type you feel when you dread something such as a rollercoaster or job interview etc... in the past I have always just looked past it and gone ‘whatever,it’s just my ocd’ but that isn’t the case this time. This time it feels more intense and real? Even stranger it only tends to happen with what I perceive as straight blokes. I work with gay people and it’s never really an issue? Up until 2 weeks ago i would find women attractive, especially my wife who is very understanding with my ocd and who I fancy like mad (usually). But this has disappeared and it’s driving me crazy. I’m starting to question if I really have been gay all this time ( just writing this sentence is freaking me out, my brain is in hyperdrive right now). To top this off I had testicular cancer back in February and since then, my ‘drive’ has dipped a little bit and I don’t feel as comfortable in my own body as I use to. I have never been a confident bloke and if I’m at the gym and see a bigger better looking bloke as well as the anxiety that I fancy him, I’m also going at the same time ‘I wish I was like him’ So to wrap this up it’s 4:30am and I’m feeling like my world is falling apart. (I know it’s not) and guess I just wanted to reach out and see if anybody else has experienced / is going through this? Any advice/ views would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for the reply LT. I really dont know what I want to do. The wierd thing is I applied for the job knowing that I would be working in a factory. I think I just wanted to feel like a was achieving something but now the reality has set in that I will have to face my ocd in its own environment. I havnt ate or slept properly since I found out I got it, cannot focus on anything and just feel drained. My girlfriend is going away with friends this weekend and thats got me down. I havnt been able to afford to do something with her for a while & I feel that extra preassure on me to. So then we could do nice things together. I might try doing a pros and cons list on paper, see if that will help.

Hi hope, My therapist is actually now on sebatical for a year so anyone I see now would be new an therefore not sure if they could do like a recap sessions or if I would have to start again. I think she does understands in the respect that she understands the ocd. But in the past I have not done a job because it involved working near these specific tools. She says I shouldnt have to pick and choose (shes a very head strong person lol) I know what she means and I know she only wants us to get going in life (this work will give me the final bit of money i need to set up my business) It just means that I have to battle my demons for a few long days & I think thats what im afraid of. Do you struggle whilst at work? I did in my last job but that was office based with people who knew me and understood my ocd. If i was feeling down my work would eventually take over again as I had to think what I was doing. But this will be on a production line with loads of time 'on my mind' as it were :-s

Thanks for the reply, I finished my CBT about August time and that this involved being around my triggers and letting the anxiety pass over. However I havnt done any self help since then as I have never had to face my triggers in a stressful environment or on my own (e.g. I have always been at home / or helping family member build something etc...)so its like im facing it from scrath in away again. Since finding out I will be doing this temp work its like theres an argument going in between my good and bad thoughts....one minute im thinking "yeah il be ok" and the next its "no you wont your going to do something" and its driving me crazy. Im not eating properly and cant seem to focus on anything, im consumed by this job. The most difficult thing for me is the thought of letting down loved ones or loosing them. If i dont go to work Im letting them down and myself. When I have these thoughts I also have thoughts of my partner with another person, being happy, enjoying life without me and I just feel sad. The only good thing is I found out today that the contract ends before this family do.

Hi Jen, I know how tough OCD can be at work. I would try and get an appointment asap with your GP if you really feel you need some help. He may be able to perscribe you something that will help with the stress. When at work is there anywhere you can go and relax for a couple of minutes? Maybe a get some fresh air etc...

Hi Penny, How long have you been on the anti depressants? Mine took a good couple of weeks before I started feeling a little more 'me' again. Do you have anyone other than your GP you can talk to about this? Family member, close friend? Its hard I know. I am really struggling myself at the mo. Its hard isnt it? Can feel very lonely at times.

Hello all, Im feeling trapped and dont know what to do! To cut along story short... I have been out of work for nearly 6 months now and today have been offered some temp work in a food factory. Its only for 2 weeks (10 days) but thats not the issue...the issue is I have suffered with intrusive thoughts for nearly ten years now and they centre around certain a DIY object...H****RS. I start next week and I am absolutely terrified in case something happens. To make matters worse, it means that I will have to miss a family party (the only time I see my family at christmas) and will be working on mine and my partners 8 year anniversary. I know its a good thing to be offered work in times like this but I just cant help feeling lost. I have been looking forward to these 2 days for months and now they wont happen because il be stuck in a factory for 12 hours a day with my worst nightmare! I was having CBT up until a couple of months ago and I seemed to be doing fine but this has just knocked me for six. My partner keeps telling me it will be fine but im just not sure I can face 12 hours a day if i see any of these things around! My partner is understanding and said il be fine but im sure she gets fed up of it sometimes. Any help would really great, feeling very lost atm

Thanks for the reply, much appreciated. I can relate to the 'head exploding' feeling. Right now i just dont know what to do. Im exhausted yet cant relax.

Hi there, iv been a long term sufferer of ocd. I was first diagnosed when i was 4 years old. i never felt like i was normal. My childhood was sometimes great but alot of the time i hated life. I hated not being able to hang out with friends or even watch certain programmes for fear it would trigger my ocd. For the past maybe 5 years or so now, iv suffered with violent thoughts and images swirling round in my head. Today i started a one week long job. After a few hours i started to become anxious and nervous. Soon enough these thoughts were filling my head to the extent i almost broke down. Im going on holiday with my long term g/f in a weeks time, so how can i feel so low? Im absolutely dreading going back to the job tomorrow. Im sitting here, unable to "switch off". It feels like im just watching the clock tick down till the minute i have to go back again. I tried to use some of my cognitive therapy i learned a few years ago but it just wasnt helping. At present i have a kidney infection, which at night gets worse, meaning i find it almost impossible to switch off as the pain and fear of my ocd is just unbearable. I feel like a failure and just want to hide away.