Still here..

[Guest ljo_rainbow]

Hello everyone

i havent wrote for a very very long time, ive been busy rele, but never have i escaped the fact that i still have really bad ocd.

Since i last wrote i met Jonny, My boyfriend i've been with him for 7 mthns this month and he makes me very happy, thing is i just get so many painful thoughts about him that really tear me up inside, its so hard somtimes i go to hold him and i get a nasty thought tellin me to hurt him till he bleeds scratch him, and make him feel worthless, and i want to scream NO! i love him, he makes me feel so special and he accpets i have OCD, i am only 17 years old and he is 16 and for a 16 year old boy to take that on and accept it i truley believe he is amazing, i just wish my ocd would leave me to be happy.

there has been many times i have harmed myself, just because my ocd tells me to, other wise if i dont somthing bad will happen to my Jonny and it will be all my fault, i can't help but cry everytime i am alone i just feel so empty because i don't know how to escape =(

My thoughts used to be aimed at my Lil sister Libby, but now they are aimed at Jonny, but i know it is coz i love him so much, but it rele gets me down.

I feel so sad=(

Love Ljo_rainbow XX

[Guest ljo_rainbow]

Thank you for replying, u lot all are so wonderful on here

i will take ur advice, i dont like harming myself but its the only way i can put my mind at rest half the time, i always break down and cry everytime i do it =(

Love ljo_rainbow XX

[Guest ljo_rainbow]

I want to stop harming myself but i dno how, i just get a nasty thought that says if u dont harm yourself then something awful will happen to jonny ( my boyfriend) and it wil b all your fault, ur have to live with it for the rest of your life, and i know id rather hurt myself anyday than hurt someone i love, i want to stop but i dont know how, my mum is apart of this site she has ocd, and she didnt no i do this i know she probably will now and i dont want to scare her, but i rele dont know how to stop, but i know im not mental i dnt need to see a special doctor i dnt want to, im scared they will tell me i am mad, i believe i am somthimes

i get so confused

oh someone please please help me =(

Ljo_rainbow xx

Edited April 6, 2006 by Guest

[Caramoole]

Hi L-Jo,

You certainly aren't mad or becoming so, you have OCD, which is quite different. As Collie Crew has mentioned it really would be a good idea to have a chat with your GP, they will understand about your OCD. Maybe your Mum would be prepared to go along with you for the first time.

As CC has already mentioned, this need to self-harm is your attempt to carry out a compulsion to try and prevent something happening to your boyfriend. I can promise you that you don't have that sort of power to influence that happening. I think that you probably know that as well but up to now just haven't dared take the risk and test it.

To beat the OCD we do have to throw caution to the wind and take risks, by taking the risks and living with the anxiety we find out that NOTHING AT ALL will happen. It will be scary at first and be prepared for your mind screaming at you to carry out the compulsion the minute you defy it.

Arming ourselves with the knowledge of what to expect is a big step forward.

Caramoole

[Guest rainbow]

Hi L-Jo,

my dear darling daugther lil rainbow

We are so very very close my baby girl, and together we will fight this. Im so happy that you have found Jonny and he makes you happy! he is so understanding and with the help from us two we will get you through these sad and so lonely days. I'm your mummy and there is nothing I wont do for you, and we have been fighting this for a few years and again it's got so bad again, but we will get you better.

Even thou we are so close I understand why you have not told me about you hurting yrself. I just wish oh wish I had not been so blind. I can see why you have not told me becase you do not want to hurt me or make me worry, but it is my job to worry about you I'm your mum!

I know you are sleeping now and are getting some peace fom this monster, but I will talk and hold you tomorrow my little rainbow, and I will try so hard to push your clouds away and find your rainbow

loving you so much forever

your mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx