self-harm

[Northern Star]

That is lovely of you to say ittyk :blushing: :blushing: but the truth is that it is my fault and I deserve to suffer for it. I am sick of mental suffering and it will be physical suffering, I suppose I have already started that by already cutting earlier.

[whitebeam]

the truth is that it is my fault and I deserve to suffer for it.

30081[/snapback]

Dear Jo,

This isn't your fault - it's that OCD and depression.

Please try not to cut yourself - you don't need to punish yourself.

You're a great girl - even though you're feeling so down yourself, you're still posting positive messages to others on the site .

You really are a star.

Love

whitebeam

xx

[Guest Esm]

Hi Northern Star, although i havent spoke to you, i have been reading the posts regulary, and i really wanted to say that just because you 'gave in' and cut yourself again you have to be strong and try to stop getting into a vicious cycle again.

I know its hard but you must never stop trying to give up.

I'm 21 and started cutting etc... when i was 16, and the frequency and severity of my self harming quickly increased over time and i was frankly alarmed and in some maybe 'sick' way proud of the harm i could cause myself without feeling the slightest twinge of pain. Which is a fact obviously that many people who don't self harm find hard to understand.

I haven't cut for a year now, and i'm not going to lie its been really hard, but what im trying to say is that you can stop doing it. It has been shown that self harm is actually physically addictive because everytime you do it your body releases chemicals that you come to depend on. Its an addiction like any other and thats how you should treat it. And if you 'fall off the wagon' you should get straight back on it, and like all addictions you have to realise that you are maybe always going to have the urge to turn to self harm,in times of stress unless you find another way.

You have got to learn some different coping mechanisms to use when your'e feeling distressed and probably most importantly you have to learn to sit through your bad feelings and actually feel them, without turning to self harm as the quick fix always. Although it will feel uncomfertable, it does help gradually

. At the end of the day dont feel bad about your self harm, its your way of coping until you find another way. Hope whatever happened last night seems somewhat better in the morning.

Be strong and keep fighting and be safe!x

[Northern Star]

This isn't your fault - it's that  OCD and depression.

Please try not to cut yourself - you don't need to punish yourself.

No it is my fault - it wasn't the OCD or depression I was talking about then, although I don't think they help.

Hi Northern Star,  although i havent spoke to you, i have been reading the posts regulary, and i really wanted to say that just because you 'gave in' and cut yourself again you have to be strong and try to stop getting into a vicious cycle again.

Thanks for your reply Esm I know that I have to try really hard not to get into the cycle again but I am finding it so hard. I seem to go OK for a bit but then once I start cutting again then it kind of progresses so that I cut every night.

I haven't cut for a year now, and i'm not going to lie its been really hard, but what im trying to say is that you can stop doing it.

Wow! I'm well impressed

You have got to learn some different coping mechanisms to use when your'e feeling distressed and probably most importantly you have to learn to sit through your bad feelings and actually feel them, without turning to self harm as the quick fix always. Although it will feel uncomfertable, it does help gradually

That is what I am finding so hard, sitting through the bad feelings, and at the mo I'm pretty much finding it impossible .

I find that there are some things that trigger me off, I was doing OK but then something happened and I had to cut. I didn't cut again last night but I still think I will have to when I get home. I am a little tempted to cut my face but that would be worse because it is so obvious, whereas on my arm I wear long sleeves and so it is more hidden. I don't know what to do, I don't see any way out of this

[Guest Esm]

Please whatever you do don't cut your face. I do understand why you would be tempted to do it, but believe me its really not worth it in the long run in exchange for a couple of seconds of calm. A few years ago out of sheer frustration i cut my face and although i havent got really bad scars they are noticable, i suppose more to me than to others.

I'm not trying to upset or worry you, but because ive been where you are i just want you to realise that the sooner you start to deal with your feelings in a more constructive way the better. When i first started doing it i would wear long sleeves all the time which is very hard in 80 degree heat on holiday Its a hard thing to hide and even though i havent self harmed for quite a while my arm and my leg look really bad still and even though i think that they have healed up amazingly well, considering what they used to look like, people still remark and comment how awful it looks. The scars are a constant reminder.

You said you feel like you have to cut when you get home, but why?

Its so easy to act on impulse, im not sure but it sounds like you do that quite a bit (something that im guilty of) that is something you need to try and work on.

I think you need to talk to your psychiatrist and if you're not having CBT ask to be referred for some or maybe DBT. Maybe some medication like a mood stabilizer may help you, to take the edge off your lows. I personally am not a great lover of medication, but i know many who have been helped by it. There is a lot of help out there if you ask and accept it, and are willing to give it a go.

x

[Guest vanillablini]

- it wasn't the OCD or depression I was talking about then, although I don't think they help.

Mmh.. but then it was another wrong pattern of thinking or belief about yourself, like putting yourself down or blaming yourself for everything all the time.

Like ittyk I'm sure it wasn't your fault what happened last night and while I understand that you sometimes don't want to post here, I hope you were able to talk to a friend about it who helped you understand that it wasn't your fault.

I very much believe that you are caught in harmful thinking patterns where you are too hard on yourself and put yourself down and blame yourself.

They are really deeply wrong and I also think you must be careful not to turn things towards yourself which you shouldn't.

For example it's normal to sometimes have an argument with someone and it's OK to express frustration. One doesn't always have to be fair during an argument either and it's OK to stamp your foot down too.

I usually turn everything against myself after an argument and apologise a lot. That's wrong. Disagreements are normal.

In your blog the other day I could see that you felt angry. And I think that's actually good, just don't turn it against yourself!

Stamp your foot on the floor loudly when the school work annoys you, yell at the OCD, but don't turn it against yourself and don't punish yourself.

That is what I am finding so hard, sitting through the bad feelings, and at the mo I'm pretty much finding it impossible .

I understand that this is very hard for you. But please try to take all the

help that is around here, please try to get in touch with a friend if you feel like this or to pm one of your friends on here.

Sometimes I think the urge to self harm also comes when you feel overwhelmed, when there is too much. Some things might need being comforted about them, and with other problems they can sometimes be broken down into smaller 'units' that can be better dealt with. Talking about it to friends can really help with this process.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Lots of luck!

[Northern Star]

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Please whatever you do don't cut your face. I do understand why you would be tempted to do it, but believe me its really not worth it in the long run in exchange for a couple of seconds of calm.    A few years ago out of sheer frustration i cut my face and although i havent got really bad scars they are noticable, i suppose more to me than to others.

Sorry to hear that . I have in the past cut my face a bit but that was with a knife and maybe scissors as well, whereas now I use broken glass, which I'm sure would be worse .

You said you feel like you have to cut when you get home, but why?

I'm not totally sure. I think it's a combination of reasons: 1) not being busy and so too much time to think 2) not being around friends 3) being around family 4) home is where I keep the glass :clapping:

Like ittyk I'm sure it wasn't your fault what happened last night and while I understand that you sometimes don't want to post here, I hope you were able to talk to a friend about it who helped you understand that it wasn't your fault.

I did sort of talk to someone but I can't really, because it really was my fault, at least partly, and I feel awful about it .

I hope you are feeling better today. 

I feel scared that I am going to cut later :clap:. I need to cut to make it go away a bit I think.

[whitebeam]

I did sort of talk to someone but I can't really, because it really was my fault, at least partly, and I feel awful about it  .

30229[/snapback]

Whatever you have done cannot be worth all this pain, Jo.

Maybe if you can really talk about it you might feel better.

I had a really bad secret - I felt really bad about it and as if I must never let anyone know. When I was really ill, I told my psychologist ........and suddenly it wasn't really so bad at all. Talking about it released me from its grip.

Please try not to cut today, then take it one day at a time.

You're too pretty to spoil your face and your skin.

Love

Penny

[Guest vanillablini]

Northern Star

I completely agree with Whitebeam, it can't be that you have to feel so bad about it and I think it's really worth it to talk to a friend. Because you deserve to be comfortet and you will most certainly gain a different perspective where you realise that the mistake you feel you have made is not that bad after all.

I hope that you could talk about it with someone and that you are feeling better.

When I feel very bad I always make a mental decision to talk about it to my therapist. And it always, always feels better afterwards.

When that urge to self harm is so strong, try to make something similar and make the decision to talk to someone instead. Give it a chance and see what comes out of the discussion. Or sometimes one only wants to be comforted. And that's good too.

Whitebeam is right, your skin and your beauty is too precious to harm it and you are too precious to punish yourself.

Love, vanillablini

[Northern Star]

Thanks :blushing:

I will probably get told off for posting this since I should probably stand on my own 2 feet so one of the mods can delete/edit it if they want. I don't know what is that is making me feel like this. I really want to cut my face. I just don't want comments from people about it. So I don't know what to do. grrrrrrrrr bit ****** off

[whitebeam]

I don't know what is that is making me feel like this. I really want to cut my face. I just don't want comments from people about it. So I don't know what to do. grrrrrrrrr bit ****** off

30349[/snapback]

Please Jo,

Not your face; not anywhere.

Cutting yourself is only going to make you feel worse in the long run.

Have you told your psychologist about your cutting and your increased need to cut.

Please contact her and tell her - even if you're not due an appointment, call her, tell her how you're feeling and try to see her ASAP.

Love

whitebeam

[Northern Star]

I can't help thinking that if I just cut this once on my face then I will never need to again.

[whitebeam]

I can't help thinking that if I just cut this once on my face then I will never need to again.

30356[/snapback]

Don't give in to the urge to do it even once.

I think if you do it once, you will feel the need to do it again - you don't want that Jo.

Is your dad away tonight (or was that last night?) Perhaps try and sit down with him or go to a friend's then you'll be with others and you won't cut.

Penny

[Northern Star]

He is away tonight. I've got to take my cat to the vet at 6:20 and call in to the supermarket quickly but apart from that I'll be on my own. Probably means I'll end up boring people on here all night! :blushing: Sorry about that. I'm actually still at school, I always delay going home but I should probably leave because of Susie. The glass I usually use is locked in my locker but I can't leave it here tonight - I would probably panic if I did, so I will have to go and get it in a min.

[whitebeam]

Good idea - leave it in your locker, or better still throw it away or give it to someone.

[Guest Automated Alice]

Jo,

I think you know this is the OCD talking, and it may not be the last time...you need to tell your psychologist about this, and also about the recent thing that is bothering you. Anxiety feeds on itself, and on things that we feel we have no control over, so i think you will feel a lot better for telling your therapist about this secret ?

Please forgive me for asking, i dont want to sound horrible for asking, but is SH an illnes in its own right? Its just how you mention that cutting just once on your face would be the last time.

If it is ~ you need help to stop, before it completely takes control. You are far too importaint, and valued , and talented to be suffering like this

Like Penny says, perhaps spending time at a friends house in the evenings , may help distract you from your thoughts and the SH? ~ thiese things seem to get worse when we spend time on our own.

You always have people here to help, and you can always ring me if you need to

- but make that appointment with your therapist tomorrow x

you dont deserve this

Ali xxxxx

[Northern Star]

I just wish it would all go away. Does anyone have a way to make it just go away tonight, now? please?

[Northern Star]

Oops, that probably sounds like I'm suicidal. Sorry about that. But I'm not suicidal :blushing:. Just self-harm-al or whatever word it is .

[Guest patsy]

Hi Jo,

As whitebeam has already said, please, please don't cut your face or anywhere Do anything to keep yourself occupied tonight especially if you are at home on your own. Try and spend some extra time with Susie since she isn't well. Come here to the forum and we can try to keep you company. You know you can pm or chat in the chatroom anytime you want to. Remember you can always text me anytime if you want to.

Please try and be strong and you'll feel better that you have been able to resist :blushing:

Take care sweetheart

Love Patsy (((hugs)))xxx

[Northern Star]

I can't do this, I really can't :blushing:

[whitebeam]

I can't do this, I really can't   

30386[/snapback]

Hi Jo,

is there anything that any one of us can do or say to help?

You probably have a few of our phone numbers; if you need to - call us. No-one will mind, in fact any one of us will be pleased to be able to help you.

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest Esm]

Hi Star, I don't think any of us can say anything to help at the moment, and i'm not sure you want us to say anything.

These feelings will pass even though it may not seem that way at the moment.

So be careful and BE SAFE x

[Northern Star]

No-one be disappointed with me please. :mad:

I cut a tiny bit on my face last night. It wasn't because of anything anyone said or did, it was my fault. Woke up this morning and I was so mad at myself, not for cutting but for cutting my face. It wasn't a sensible thing to do. I am going to have to say it was my cat that did it. Luckily it looks like cat scratches. Only broke the skin a tiny bit, tiny bit of blood, I was being careful not to go too deep - am glad I was now. I hope my mum and dad don't notice.

I don't really know what to do. I feel a bit messed up and I don't know where to turn. I am dreading the weekend. I don't know what to do.

[Northern Star]

Me again. Still terrified. I don't know what to do. Why can't this all just go away. PLEASE :mad:

[Guest vanillablini]

Hi Northern Star :mad:

I'm sorry you are still feeling so bad.

I think what Automated Alice and Whitebeam suggested would be a good idea to contact your therapist and see if you can make an appointment sooner.

On the web page of the National Self Harm Network I saw a counselling centre in Manchester listed called 42nd Street. I'm not sure, you mentioned a self help group some time ago, whether it's the same. But it says that it is a counselling centre specifically four young people like yourself, between the age of 15-25.

And it's not only for help about self harm but for all sorts of other problems too.

And we are here for you too.

I hope you soon feel a little bit better.

I'm thinking of you.

vanillablini