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Please help me My OCD is killing me


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Hi all I'm new to these board's and I'm damn glad I found them :original: ,I wanted to have a discussion about my OCD and how it's completely dominating my life.All it seems to do is make me think non stop repetitive thougts of why didn't I do this and why didn't I do that and so forth all day and all night long.It seems each decision I make or have made has made me constantly repeat why did I do that and why didn't I do it in another fashion or way.

I was due to go on an overseas trip to Europe at the end of this month given that I'm from Australia with friends of mine.But in the recent past my Depression as I'm also diagnosed with Bi Polar has hit rock bottom and my Psych and family all believe that I shouldn't be going now and I've just had the recent doubts to.I've broken down constantly about this and repetitively in my mind keep thinking over and over why didn't I just say no from the start that way I could've saved myself alot of money and heartache.

This is happening non stop and despite my friends hoping that I can still go it appears that the way my condition is I'm not for to travel.I've also had to stop work which it has been three weeks since I last worked and my Boss has been extremely understanding about everything,as he has told me that he has a brother that suffers from depression.

But I feel It's my OCD and the repetitiveness that is killing me the mistakes I've made why thing's couldn't be just like they were a little while back?Why didn't I just say no to this trip from the start?And it appears that whatever situation Im in has it's repercussion's and they all involve just the constant need to repeat it doesn't matter if it's something silly as me having a conversation with someone and not saying something or saying something I shouldn't have.

All I think is to when thing's were fine a little while back and I didn't have this burden of this trip which has seemed to cause so much pain in my head.

Sorry to ramble on so much but I'm so stuck and can't find a way out of this and it's hurting me so bad.

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Guest honey

Hi Ace - good to 'meet' you.

I think a lot of us have OCD issues around travelling and decisions - such a double whammy when you are already feeling down. I agree with the above post - Europe will still be there when you are feeling better and you will enjoy it all the more if you are ready.

You deserve to spend your time and money on helping yourself to feel better first. Then you can go for the big things like international travel. Don't worry about your friends - they will still have a good trip, I'm sure.

Good luck

honey

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Guest Fallen Angel

Hi,I think you are ultimately feeling guilty about the concept of pulling out of this trip.You feel souly responsible for what you see as letting yourself and others down.They are your friends.Of course they want you to go,but they will support you in your decision and will be concerned for you.Don`t feel guilty,you have an illness which you are doing your best to deal with.You should be commended for that.Ultimately you seem a strong and considerate person.On a practical level,are you receiving appropriate medical help?If not,change/look for it.Do you have a good support network in the form of family/partner/friends/web pages or literature?It makes a huge difference if you know exactly what you are dealing with and who is prepared to support you,it`s half the battle won.Can you possibly get a part refund for your trip?Do you have insurance which covers medical conditions which mean you are unfit to travel?Just a thought. You have a great boss which is unusual in these circumstances.Be appreciative of that and gain strength from it.Of course everything you do has repercussions,that`s what living is all about.We can`t always make`safe` choices,life would be a mere existance in the event of this.`Safe` choices to avoid `repercussions` is not living.There would be no joy in that.Ultimately,your intentions were good,so any repercussions are not your fault,it`s how you deal with them that matters.Your wellbeing should be your current priority.Love and best wishes,Sam.

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Guest napo100383

Hey ACE,

I suffer from pure o OCD and have had depression accompanied with i dont think my depression was that bad only mild,

last year my OCD was bad accompanied by depression,but i booked a three month trip to american and i went it was the best thing i could have done,

if ur psych says you shouldnt go then maybe you shouldnt,but maybe they dont realised that you want to go,if u know in your heart u cant go then dont go but think about it before opting uot,having said that im totally unaware of ur situation so i dont know what you should do,

I do know that my trip was very good for me and when it returned in january(my OCD) it was rock bottom again for me,i still have it bad enough but im going again for the summer and am worried that i will have to go home but even if i do ill know i tried,

please dont think im being patronising sayin i went id a great time it was hard at times but it aided my recovery,not going mite hurt your confidence,

as everyone said ur wellbeing is your priority which is far more important beacuse europe will still be there in a year or a few months so do whatever you want to do.

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Hi and welcome, Ace! :original:

Sorry you've been feeling so bad. Hope you feel a bit better now.

OCD can make you believe just about anything. I know, I've had it for many years.

I don't want to interfere with any treatment you are having, but if you want to invest in a really good book, get

"Brain Lock". It's great. It explains everything. It's certainly helped me.

Take care

"newman"

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Dear all thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your wonderful advice and concerns.I'm currently taking Parnate,Valpro and Kalma for my anxiety.I'm diagnosed with Bi Polar,OCD,Bio Dismorphic Syndrome if that's the real name for it and I perhap's some sought of Panic disorder yet I do feel I suffer from other things as well I just have a feeling.

In terms of getting help for the OCD I don't feel I'm getting enough help for it,the reason why I'm taking Parnate is because I was referred to it by someone who said try to get your Psych to put you on it as he's been very reluctant to have done so.The problem is that the Parnate is very expensive as I'm in Employment and I'm not totally sure if it's working because most of my anxiety has been focused through this trip.

All I do feel is that why didn't I say no before other thing's were booked and i committed so much money that I will now lose for the trip and these feelings keep revolving around my head non stop.My Psych was using med's that were focusing on helping my OCD and Depression before I started taking Parnate and now I feel I just want to quit the Parnate.

Why am I like this all the time?all I do feel if I go is that I will miss home so much and i will struggle to take care of myself.My friends say there is nothing to worry about and they will be there for me,but there would be times that I will be alone also and that concerns me alot too A friend of mine works for a domestic airline here in Australia and he told me ages ago to take time off in August and I could've saved more money had I of gone with him because he gets a big discount yet what difference does that make?

I was due to go with my other friends on May 26th and all I keep thinking is why didn't I do this and why didn't I do that?It sounds all so confusing and one thing leads to another and all I think about is the fact that I've gone through so much heartache and lost so much money over nothing.It's not the first time I've done something like this in my life like waste money for nothing etc,and I know it's only money but I can't help the repetitive thinking about everything.All I ever do is think about I could've and should've done this but my head is still in so much pain and I don't know what to do.

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Guest napo100383

Ive read your posts and nowhere did you say YOU didnt want to go,it seems like your scared of going its not you dont want to go.

IF (and i dont know what your situation is) you dont go you mite feel worse about yourself and have the rep thoughts about why you didnt go.Your friends know your worried about going so they would keep an eye out for you and if it did get bad its simple you can go home!thats what i say to myself when i get worked up about going away someplace

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Ive read your posts and nowhere did you say YOU didnt want to go,it seems like your scared of going its not you dont want to go.

IF (and i dont know what your situation is) you dont go you mite feel worse about yourself and have the rep thoughts about why you didnt go.Your friends know your worried about going so they would keep an eye out for you and if it did get bad its simple you can go home!thats what i say to myself when i get worked up about going away someplace

I've always wanted to go away but I'm having alot of anxiety of how I will cope with things,I feel afraid of missing home my usual surroundings my family etc.my family are concerned about me going and I simply can't decide what to do and my OCD is killing me on a decision in which I have to make mighty fast.It's a catch 22 I guess If I go and i want to go home I'll be thinking non stop why I just didn't stay home and that's something I'd have to live with,which won't be easy to accept.

There will be times where I will be alone and I'm concerned about how I will cope,I simply don't know what to do.I've listened to alot of people and have such confusing thoughts and whatever is decided is going to be running through my mind why I didn't decide the other way.I'm so CONFUSED it's really killing me and sending me to breaking point.

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Guest Big Ted

Hey Ace

Welcome to the boards matey!

I use the phrase 'good to see' with a grain of salt but it is 'good to see' another aussie using these boards...just wish there was something set up over here for us bogans!

Anyway mate, just thought i'd drop a note and say that I actually went through something very similar about 5 years ago. I planned a trip to the UK and was experiencing a similar anxiety about the trip. I was diganosed with anxiety/depression combination at the time and was taking zoloft. I didn't realise it at the time but it was actually OCD that was tying me up and causing all my issues. Has your psych identified which is the primary diagnosis with you? I found that once i knew it was OCD causing the depression, the depression became a lot easier to manage and my focus moved to treating the OCD. But anyway, thats for your psych to look at...

I actually deferred my trip for a month just to get my head together but when I did finally did go i just decided that regardless of my thoughts or feelings i was going to do everything i wanted to do. I will not kid you at times it was so hard, but because i voluntarily put myself in the situation it forced me to confront my fears. Now this approach may not work for everyone but it certainly worked for me and I evetually had a very fullfilling trip in which i stayed in the UK for 14 months. The majority of the trip was by myself and having a severe social phobia found getting to know people very difficult (or perseaved it as being so). Much to my surprise every where I went i made life long freinds and really got to know myself a lot better.

Sorry for rambling but i just wanted to express that the experience for me was a positive one and although it did not cure my OCD it certainly helped give me a lot of strength and faith in myself and taught me that despite the OCD i can still do the things that I want to do in life.

Anyway, good luck and keep posting!!

Jas

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Recently I spoke about a topic that I was meant to go on a trip,well a month ago I relapsed and came down with severe depression and I have to make a quick choice whether I should be going away or not and at the same time I stopped working.My head is so confused and I'm at breaking point to decide due to the repercussions of the OCD or regretting why I would've of chosen the other decision.My sisters and brother in laws have told me not to go and would be mortified If I was to turn around and say I'm going.

MY GP says I shouldn't go while initially mr Psychiatrist said I shouldn't but my last visit with him he said thing's like what's the worst thing that could happen If I go and I said feeling depressed,anxiety etc and he said your Uncle for e.g who I'm meant to visit over there could take me to a Dr.I feel totally confused with everything and have had suiciadal thoughts over the depression and OCD.My mother has seen what state I'm in at the moment yet she just says I don't know it's up to you how you feel,where my Dad who doesn't understand mental illness much seems intent that I'm still going even though he has seen that I haven't been in the best condition lately also.

All I can think about is while I was working around a month ago and it was just before Easter and thing's were just fine and now thing's have just gone down hill.I was meant to be going away with friends and one of the guys who I rang last night I spoke to and he came across pretty strong and hard on me.he basically said you have to change yourself and I'm to negative and that he doesn't know what else to say to m,he even questioned my bi polar depression saying you can be this overhypive person one minute and some doen person the next.I've rang lifeline about this and spoke to others as well with contrasting opinions.

I really do at times feel like I can't go on and I'm starting to get worried,I'm really struggling to go on I have to many regrets going through my head etc and don't know what else to say as I'm just co confused with everything.

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.My head is so confused and I'm at breaking point to decide due to the repercussions of the OCD or regretting why I would've of chosen the other decision.My sisters and brother in laws have told me not to go and would be mortified If I was to turn around and say I'm going.

I dont really know the full story so cant comment on if you should or should not go, is there another thread with the full details?

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Guest FobicFairy

Hi Ace,

I have depression as well as OCD, and its a tough gig. Only you really know the answer to your question about if you should go on holiday, noone else can get in your head and know how bad it is, or if you will be able to cope.

Personally, if I was having a bad time, I wouldnt go, because I would just feel too anxious and want to be home safe where although I would still be as depressed, at least I would be in my own surroudnings and near my own GP.

The question is, how bad is the depression? Can you still function ok and enjoy yourself if you are occupied and with people? Or is it there all the time and you feel bad no matter what? If its mild and being with people and doing stuff would help, then go for it, but if you know that you are likely to be very anxious and talking about how bad you feel and really hating being there, is it worth going?

The fact is that some people will understand, others wont, I don't think people can really understand how bad depression is unless they have experienced it themself. Their opinions shouldn't be the deciding factor. What is your gut feeling about going? Have you tried making a list of pro's and con's?

Do what is best for you, don't try to please other people, this is about you and your health, not them.

Sorry I can't give you an answer, I truly believe if you look inside and follow your instincts it will come to you, and once you have made up your mind one way or the other I think you may feel relief.

Take care.

FF

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Guest honey

Hi Ace

We OCD people have lots of problems with decisions. You are not alone.

If you don't feel like going, just don't go. Let it go, you can travel when you feel better. The important thing is to make peace with yourself about your decision.

Good luck

honey

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Thanks guys for your support :original: the problem is I have bi polar and when I get a rush of happiness I feel it's a great idea and also that I have to do it in a way for others.But I am scared also of what may happen and not wanting to break down overseas.The fact is that I can enjoy myself with the friends I have here who are going also,but may still siffer some form of serious anxiety or severe depression also that's what I'm confused about.

I was told by one of the guys that I'm scared to take a chance and I just be negative all the time,I thought that's a possibility but he doesn't fully understand the feeling.My concern is if I'm alone will I get depressed or suffer anxiety and want to go home.It's bad I know just thinking about what can go wrong as it seems but I can't help it,I feel I'll miss my family so much which will also depress me,miss my usual routine,my surroundings etc.

I seem to think if I do go I will disspoint the people and make them wonder why I have and didn't listen to them and this might really upset me.

FF I know about your list of Pro's and Con's but I haven't worked on that yet and I guess I should,It seems no matter what I will choose to do I will always be thinking what I didn't choose the OCD at work again.I wish it wasn't this way but I feel so stuck. :helpsmilie:

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I started a thread about the decision of not to or to go on my trip,due to falling into a relapse about a month ago with severe depression I have to stop from going away and already i'm struggling with the OCd regret's etc.I'm finding it difficult to accept that I wont be on the plane when my friends are there,I will be thinking of them while theyre gone and that upsets me,thinking of when things were better me working and the trip coming forward. :weep:

It's everything and anything that is really depressing me of the fact that I'm not going from me sending postcards overseas to here to saying goodbye's to being ready for the flight and getting excited.I just don't know what to do although people have said to me just forget it and leave it the OCD is really giving me a hard time of not allowing me to forget it so easy and everything that comes with it.I've just been breaking down constantly as the last month has been utter hell,I'm struggling to cope with the repetitiveness of everything the mistakes and constant thoughts of what I will be missing out on. :helpsmilie:

I feel like I'm going to fall apart from all this because it's affecting me so much. :weep:

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Thanks Shar It's the regretting on all fronts why I didn't try to go back to work etc or do things different now that are hard.It's such a difficult thing to accept and I just don't know what to do to stop this even though this is where I am now.Just before I came to the thought why didn't I just tell my boss a couple of weeks ago that I would like to return to work and maybe thing's could've been different,even though at the time I was just feeling like now.

I hate to state this so often and how it's eating my mind but it's just so tough.

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Hi all once again sorry to go on again about the same situation,well now I have only days from makeing a decision on my trip.As I've been under alot of stress and severe depression lately and suffering the severe symptoms of My OCD Im struggling to make some sought of decision.I'm afraid to go along and let my family,Dr's and everyone else who has showed serious concern about me going in the state I've been in,I've always wanted to go yet have my doubts if something is going to happen to me.

If I wasn't to go I'd have alot of regrets also,My friends say to me you should just come you'll have a great time and don't worry what everyone else is saying to you.I don't know exactly if they understand the full extent to how I've been feeling.But they have seen that I haven't been the extreme best,the other night I got into a manic mood and expressed how much I would like to go and got swayed into thinking I was and was all greatly excited until I went to bed that night I was in a great mood.In the morning my mood had changed significantly and was feeling my low self again.

Obviously I don't know If I would have a great or miserable time,going with the feelings I have now and with the doubts don't make it easier.I don't want to go along only because I'd be makeing that choice like I'm missing out If I dont but feel somehow that's what I would be feeling.My Psych was heavily against me going and GP the psych said to me as only a possibility if I had someone with me for say two weeks and then I felt ok to travel alone fair enough but otherwise my original plans of travelling alone after two days seemed quite risky.

I know this is a sad situation and only has come down to the point of since my depression has worsened and has become rather unstable.So in my mind I can see where most people would choose what to do if they were in my shoes.Yes of course it's tough and whatever I decide it will be tough on the other side of what I didn't choose.Well hopefully I can come up with something or to say I have to anyway,thanks all for listening again and sorry for rambling on. :helpsmilie:

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Guest Lizbeth

Dear Ace,

I lived as an au pair in Paris for two and a half months during my GAP year. It was a great experience and gave me a lot of perspective on things....particularly other people's WEIRD child rearing habits :whistling: ....for me, it did make my OCD worse particularly the checking but that was primarily because of my specific situation. The family I lived with were very exacting and had already driven one au pair away. :wontlisten:

I think, understandably, you are getting yourself so worked up about and involved in what everyone else thinks and how everyone else will react that you have perhaps lost sight of yourself. Ultimately, you are the person who this situation effects and only you can make it.

You need to sit down and maybe write the list of pro's and con's that fobic fairy suggested and then go with what YOU need and want. For your own peace of mind, it seems important that you settle this in your head.

There is a tendency with OCD to balk at any situation that seems to suggest risk. I know I feel like that sometimes. However, every decision contains an element of this and very few are life or death. Ultimately, you have to choose what feels most right for you and tell yourself (because it really is true) that whatever the consequences you will be able to deal with them.

Take care,

xxJadexx :original:

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You know already that my opinion is that you should base your decision on the advice of your doctors, and your family, who will be able to look at this situation as people who know and understand the state you are truly in, rather than the state you think you are in.

As I said to you in my previous PM, this is a decision you have to make on your own based on the best advice you have been given. It is not a decision that anyone on here can make for you, neither can we offer reassurance that "It will all be OK" or "you are doing the right thing by not going".

Has anyone else on the board got any experiences they could share of travelling with OCD / depression? I actually lived abroad for one year, but I wasn't suffering the full effects of either at the time - things could have been different if I had been.

Take care

Shar

I don't mean or expect someone to make a decision for me and i know it's me who has the final say of what I'm going to be doing.Maybe it's an act of desperation that I keep on clinging to the should I shouldn't I and go on discussing it.It's been a terrible time along with the depression and I keep on wondering how did I get to being like this again.I wouldn't know if it would be ok travelling or not just like I know that noone could assure me of that.

The OCd is running wild in my head about how thing's were and what went wrong,all I have are regrets and repetitive thoughts.I feel like a nervous wreck at the moment and that just hell is going on in my head. :wallbash: :helpsmilie: :weep:

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I can't believe what I've done I decided not to go on the trip after telling my friends after a moment of happiness the other night that I was going and they were all excited,the next thing that happened was one of the guys messaged me and asked If I'd made a decision because we need to make plans and without thinking much I messaged back and said unfortunately I'll have to cancel.I had a chat about it with one of the guys as he said he understood my reason and this was something not to mess around with,I even told my Psych about the decision and he said I think you've made the safest choice,that night I turned around and called one of the guys and told him about my serious regret and wanting to go again the OCD killing me again and he told me nothing can be done now and we went on and had a long discussion about everything.

We spoke at lengths about why I'm always indecisive about things and why did I listen to others,I feel like a total idiot now and really embarassed and living like hell.

All that's happened since is my strong repetitive regrets about why didn't I just choose to go?And how and why did this become so hard? :weep:

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